Award Shows

Nicole Kidman showed up to the Academy of Country Music Awards with her wee little calico kitty-haired husband and wearing one of Breathless Mahoney's old ones. While Nicole decided to wear something old, she also wore something new. I'm talking about her lips. Did she stuff those things with even more generic-brand vegetable oil?! I know her lips usually look like Michelle Duggar's labia lips after a Brazilian wax, but this shit has gone too far. Nicole's lips are looking like two overstuffed pieces of sausage that were boiled too long and started to split. Nicole just can't let go of Tommy Girl, because I bet he has a matching pair on his Scientolohole.

For the first time in a long time, I don't have the sudden urge to throw Nicole's face back and forth with a friend in the park, so that's a good thing. It still doesn't move, but I spot one wrinkle, so she's making improvement. Lastly, let's talk about that hair. THAT HAIR! It needs a bowl of Werther's Originals on top, because that shit is memaw-approved. That gerartric mop screams "Mah social security check is late!"

Where was a fisherman with a big ass net when you needed him?! Ariel is not amused with last night's invasion of mermaid dresses at the Oscars. Beyonce, Melissa George, Marisa Tomei, Monica Cruz, Zac Efron's beard and Diane Lane all wore variations of that shit. I feel like they all needed to be wheeled in on a fake rock. This is Under the Sea shit gone wrong.

These dumb bitches were just asking for an evil whore to trip their sausage-looking asses. They would've come back up with their bare asses hanging out, because a dress like that was not meant to bend over in. I know. How the hell are they supposed to get in some quickie dick time in the bathroom? These are not fun time dresses.

Beyonce doubled the fug with that material. Bitch really looks like she fell into the curtains at the Imperial Palace in Las Vegas and then called it a fucking day.

Scientists from around the world will be taking a break from finding the cure for cancer and other stuff, so that they can devote all their time to studying the clip from last night's Oscars of Jennifer Aniston and St. Angie's showdown! Okay, maybe scientists won't be studying this mess, but you know every entertainment show and celebrity will bring in "body language" experts to dissect this from top to bottom.

Jenny presented Best Cartoon Movie with Jack Black and the camera panned to Brangie twice. St. Angie came prepared, because she had her game face on. Her fake ass smile said "awwwww," but her eyes said, "Fail, bitch. Fail!" Jenny was up there like a lamb brought to slaughter. She should have hot boxed in the parking lot, because bitch was like OctoMom without her IVF fix.

And it's not in the clip above, but when Aniston opened the envelope, she murdered that thing. I almost thought she was going to throw it on the ground and start stomping on it while screaming, "You are so uncool! Uncool you are!" You know whose smug mug Jenny was picturing on that envelope.

Here's some pictures of them last night. Did Ring Pop make St. Angie's jewelry? That shit looks like it's melon flavor.

I hope you're fucking drunk or getting there, because it's time for this mess of a show called the OSCAHS. And if you're sober, then you probably already passed out from looking at Lisa Rinna's picture. If you blacked out, don't walk towards the light! Don't let The Rinna do you in! But seriously, Ursula the sea witch wants her hair back and I think Mickey Rourke's old roids have set up a new home on her face. Anyway, my drunk ass liveblog below:

Every year, the Razzie Awards dishonor the biggest shit shows in film and not surprisingly, Parasite Hilton swept that mess along with Mike Myers. Parasite was named Worst Actress for Hottie & the Nottie, Supporting Actress for Repo and Screen Couple (with Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore) for Hottie. Mike Meyers' The Love Guru got Worst Picture, Worst Actor and Worst Screenplay.

Pierce Brosnan's dying bear warble in Mamma Mia! got him Worst Supporting Actor. Unfortunately, none of those whores were on hand to accept their awards. FUN HATERS. Here's the entire list of losers:

Worst Picture: The Love Guru

Worst Actor: Mike Myers - The Love Guru

Worst Actress: Wonky - The Hottie and the Nottie

Worst Supporting Actress: Wonky - Repo: The Genetic Opera

Worst Supporting Actor: Pierce Brosnan - Mamma Mia!

Worst Screen Couple: Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore - The Hottie and the Nottie

Worst Prequel,Remake, Rip-off or Sequel: (Combined Category for 2008): Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull

Worst Director: Uwe Boll - 1968: Tunnel Rats, In The Name of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, and Postal

Worst Screenplay: The Love Guru - Written by Mike Myers & Graham Gordy

Worst Career Achievement: Uwe Boll

At this point, can we just officially name Parasite as The Worst Piece of Trash Who Ever Lived and stop giving her any kind of awards? We already know she's god fucking awful in the worst kind of way, so that goes without saying. Give a Razzie to a real bitch who deserves that shit. Although, the Razzie trophy will totally go with Wonky's shiny herp dingles.

Mickey Rourke's acceptance speech at yesterday's Independent Spirit Awards was made of gold. The speech sparkled more than his silver bullet toof! This is exactly why he needs to win the Oscar tonight. If this is the kind of shit he delivered at the Spirit Awards, I can't even imagine what fuck word covered gems will fall out of his mouth tonight.

Of course, Mickey dedicated the award to his beloved Loki who might not have been watching form heaven since I don't know if they get IFC in heaven. Mickey also wore a little locket with Loki's precious face on it. The Milo & Otis of our time: Mickey & Loki.

During the rest of his fuck bomb-filled speech, Mickey made a plea to Hollywood to give the amazing Eric Roberts a fucking job. Mickey also thanked the girl he calls "Gap Tooth" and said "Melissa-Marisa Tomei" can climb the pole and did it well. Seriously, this is how a bitch gives an acceptance speech. Every whore in Hollywood from here on out needs to watch this shit so they know how it's done.

Why can't Mickey accept every damn award at the Oscars tonight? Shit, he should host and present every award too. Just change it to The Mickey Rourke Show. I could probably even watch it sober! Okay, probably not. Mickey's speech is below:

It's that time of year again where the skanks of Hollywood squeeze their egos into sparkly satin and we all make fun of their stupid asses while getting tanked. Weeeeee! And I'll be here this Sunday starting at 8pm easy coast time, so that we can all hold hands and feel the torture together. It's going to be a million hours of non-stop ass fuckery (hosted by Hugh Jackman, naturally), so bring a comfortable dildo.

I feel like we need some kind of drinking game. How about we drink one McNuggetini every time St. Angie Jo makes a cuntface and whoever gets rushed to the emergency room last WINS! Yay!

Click here to refresh your ass on who is nominated this year. SPOILER ALERT: Brangelina lose again. AHAHAHAHA!

Image: Pacific Coast News

When Sally Farmiloe, the Chicken Cutlets of Britain, arrived at the BAFTAs in London tonight, every whore in that joint should have gone home. It was done as soon as Sally hit the red carpet. They should have bestowed all the awards on her and called it a night. Seriously, this is how you show you up to a fucking event. You put on your finest sparkles and throw your dignity in the trash! This is how it's done. And it's also nice to see that Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It" wig has a found a new home on Sally's head.

I wasn't joking when I said that all those whores should have quit that bitch when Sally arrived, because there was a whole lot of fug on that damn red carpet. It looks like a dump truck dropped trash all over that shit. Bitches looked beat! Below is a few pictures of the raggedy ass hos of the BAFTAs. Goldie Hawn is looking like she needs to take a good, long 2-hour fart. Actually, she might have let one out and Daniel Craig's piece got a good whiff of it, because she's smelling something nasty.

And the look on Penny Cruz's face in thumbnail #4 is the same face I've been making every time Kate Winslet wins something and goes on and on about how surprised she is. It's the "Bitch, stop acting like you don't win shit" face.

The angels in heaven have gathered around in a prayer circle, because if St. Angie is wearing color, this must mean something is about to happen. They are preparing! Even the chick behind Angie Jo thinks something in the milk ain't clean about this shit. Yes, it's just a teensy shot of yellow, but Angie usually wears bland ass hospital gowns, so this is mind boggling. I bet you the dress was really all black, but when Angie stepped outside, the sun popped out and busted a load all over her because it was so fucking excited. That's probably what happened.

Here's St. Angie and whiserky Bradley Pitt at the BAFTAs (aka another awards show for them to win shit at) in London tonight. You know, Angie's dress would look a lot fucking better if it was on Jerry Hall circa 1979.

Tommy's robobeard presented the award for Best Actor at the SAG Awards last night, because they felt bad for not honoring her emotional and raw performance in Mad Money. Stepford Katie once again tried to do her best Posh impersonation and failed miserably. She looks more like my friend Armando trying to dress as Posh for Halloween using shit he bought at TJ Maxx. Piss Posh.

Posh would never go outside her house with a traumatized nipple situation. Katie's nipples were trying to find the exit and weren't working together as a team. One was heading for the north and the other was going south. They were seizing the moment because Tommy wasn't around trying to use his alien powers to turn one nip into David Beckham's peen the other into Will Smith's. Seriously, that's like his dream come true. That way he can just bounce back and forth on Katie's titties like a pink gay bunny!

Katie's roboboobies were also freaking out in all the chaos. Katie needed to hit Control + Alt + Delete and then reboot her micronips.