Award Shows

Giuliana DePandasAss (or Giuliana RANCID) managed to accomplish something last night. She managed to gross me out more than Brangie. That is an achievement. That panda caca-brained bitch should not be holding a microphone anywhere. She should be sitting in the corner with a huge DUNCE cap on her head while Ryan Gaycrest spoon feeds her tapioca pudding.

At last night's BRANGIE LOSE AGAIN AWARDS (YAY!!!), DePandasAss separately interviewed the holy couple. Brad Pitt and St. Angie probably agreed to grace E! with their presence because the yappy gay chihuahua known as Gaycrest was not around. Instead, they got to talk to the town idiot Giuliana.

You know, if St. Angie was staring at me with her haughty ass face, silently judging me, I wouldn't ask stupid questions like, "What has Brad taught you about life?" DUMB FUCK WHORE! Doesn't Giuliana know that St. Angie is the one that does the teaching in that family? She's the all-knowing one. I would've asked that bitch, "Why are you being so uncool right now, you gross bitch?!" But Giuliana is only capable of asking the questions that are fed into her earpiece. And DePandasAss wasn't even fazed by St. Angie trying to stun her with death blinks. No, DePandasAss' shield of stupidity was able to block that shit.

And then when it was Brad's turn to throw mind rocks at the biggest fucktard on the red carpet, he was asked, "Does Angie's beauty ever get old." MORON! The answer to your stupid question was standing in front of you seconds ago. YES, DePandasAss, the beauty is OLD.

Anyway, here's these two at the SAG Awards last night. Yes, Angie is wearing another hospital gown designed by Ambien. The one she wears to every damn awards show. In different colors, of course.

This is absolutely atrocious! I'm about to throw my full cup of Sanka at the TV screen, but I can't do this because I don't have any left. But seriously! The Oscar nominations were announced this morning and international supermodel Phoebe Price was left out of the Best Actress category. ILLEGAL! HURTFUL! WRONG! You can blend down the performances of Ann Hathaway, Angelina Jolie, Melissa Leo, Meryl Streep, Kate Winslet into one little shot and you still wouldn't have 10% of the raw and emotional performance Chicken Cutlets gave in Get Smart. Fuck. They could have at least nominated her cutlets. Look at the pure intensity in her cutlets. They are giving it their all. Fuck the Oscars! They never honor the truly talented artistes of the cinema! Robbed! Robbed! Robbed! Just because of that, Phoebe Price will not be one of their seat fillers this year. NO! Okay, she will, but she's going to do it with a frown. Fuck that shit.

It was bad news for our Hot Babe of 2007, but it was good news for Loki, Mickey Rourke's dog. His daddy was nominated for Best Actor. Things are looking up, Loki! You don't have to eat the fallen skin off of your owner's face anymore. You can eat real dog food!

The rest of the nominations were pretty basic, but The Dark Knight was not nominated for Best Picture and Clint Eastwood didn't get shit for that Dirty Harry Protects The Asians movie. I thought Kate Winslet would get two nominations because everyone is licking her ass this year, but she only got one Best Actress nod for The Reader. I haven't seen that shit but my friend had this to say about it: "Winslet TITTIES!" Seriously, that's all he said. And no, he's not 12.

And I hope Saint Angelina is warming up her cuntface, because she's going to lose the Best Actress award again. I live for that shit. When she loses, you all better get under a sturdy table, because the Brangaloonies are going to explode causing the world to shake.

The main categories are after the jump. Click here to see the entire list. THAT BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT!!! got the most nominations with 13. JUMP!!!!

We haven't had a c-word slip in a while, so I was hoping that at last night's GGs someone would've gotten tanked and let the cunt out to play. Nobody did. BUT Mickey Rourke and Darren Aronofsky did give us a double. While accepting his award for Best Beast in a whatever, Mickey called Darren's mom a bitch, basically. Darren responded by giving Mickey the one finger salute! That's how they show their love for each other. In my family, flipping someone off is like giving them a warm hug.

NBC killed the fun for the West Coast. They censor a harmless middle finger, but they don't put a black bar over Mickey's roadkill face. This makes no sense! But seriously, I'm glad Mickey won. He deserved this shit back in the 90s for that porn movie Wild Orchid!

And Mickey wins my vote for best dressed dude last night. I know, I know. He's like a guido at prom meets Hot Topic. But he's wearing a sparkly scarf!

Two amazing things happened last night during the Best Actress shit at the Golden Globes. The first was when a stoned ass Cameron Diaz fucked up Saint Angelina's name. I almost felt a little "like" in my no-heart for Cameron. ALMOST. I would've liked her fully if she said "Brangelina Jolie" or "Anist...Angelina Jolie."

The second amazing moment came when a blubbering Kate Winslet accepted her award for that movie about fighting in the suburbs while wearing old timey clothes. You know, I was wasted while watching this shit last night and now that I'm sober, her speech is a million times more annoying. Bitch is acting like she swam the Atlantic Ocean and then directly ran from New York to the Golden Globe stage. All breathless and shit. It's a damn Shiny Titty Award. Not an Oscar! Take a hit from Cameron's bong and mellow out. I wanted Marky Mark to turn the hose on her. Drama queen. However, I forgive her for all of that, because when she was calling out all the losers in her category, she said "Oh God! Who's the other one? Angelina!" HAHAHAHA! This is why God created Kate Winslet. The camera shot to Saint Angie who smiled and held her hands together in a very Disney villainess-like way. She was thinking, "The things I have planned for you, my pretty..." Brangelina showing up to awards shows and getting snubbed every time never gets old! The world will pay for this I'm sure!

Here's drama queen Kate Winslet (YAY!) and her husband last night. And also some pictures of Brad Pitt and "The Other One." The Other One should keep her hair down more often. It makes her look less like an elderly and malnourished praying mantis. And my abuelita had some sunglasses just like Brad Pitt's when she got her cataracts done, because she didn't like the shades they gave her ass. Of course, my abuelita wore them better.

Can you please say a small prayer that Saint Angie loooooooses Best Actress so that we can see her cuntface again. I love it when she gets cunty. And also, add a small "P.S." to your prayer. Ask that Lafayette from True Blood rushes the stage when the Best Supporting TV actor is announced, because that bitch really deserves it!

Anyway, pour yourself a glass of Strawberry Hill and let Tater Head lead you to the liveblog after the chin. CHIN!!!

The Shiny Titty Awards begin in less than a hour and I will be liveblogging this mess at 8pm EST, so we'll all sleep together from the boredom. Actually, the Golden Globes can be entertaining since they serve booze to all the celebwhores. This makes for some good drunken speeches. I also love watching the winners try to get through the maze of tables without help. I'm surprised some of them don't end up in the damn parking lot. Those dumb fucks.

The Golden Globes is a good time to start playing the Dlisted drinking game. This is how it works. Print out the nominee list and predict the winners. What am I saying? You're all lazy skanks! You're not going to print that out. Okay, just shout the winner before they announce it. If you get it wrong. Down a shot! And if you get it right.....well....down a shot too! A shot for losers and a shot for winners. Everybody wins! If you start to black out during the middle of the show, take a shot of some kind of household cleaner and Red Bull. Preferably Windex. It will bring you back!

Here's my own predictions. I haven't seen 80% of this shit, but there's no need to. Just take your first shot (to get you started) and let your buzz lead you. It knows the way. Predictions after the jump. My guess is in bold. JUMP!!!

You know where that award would look best? You must be one of Sylvia Browne's relatives, because I know you know what I'm thinking. You have the gift. Katherine HAGel can shove that thing down her throat. It will fit perfectly. It wouldn't make sense for her to shove it up her culo since she goes caca through her mouth. I know, such hate. Blame HAGel. She does that to me.

Anyway, some moronic morons voted 27 Dresses their "Favorite Comedy Movie" at the People's Choice Awards. The idiots who voted that shit to win are also the people that think you can get knocked up from swallowing. I've had conversations with these kind of people. They really think the spermies can swim down to their baby making parts. I can't...

Okay, 27 Dresses was not bad, anything starring HAGel should not get an award. That only fuels her ego! She's probably on the Grey's Anatomy set this morning toting that shit around like it's an Oscar! I just want to cover her up in bird seeds and grass and feed her to Fishsticks Paltrow!

I usually watch the People's Choice Awards every year, because it's a better sedative than Sleepytime Tea, but my Tivo couldn't handle it last night. It was busy making love to Damages, 13: Fear is Real, The Real World: Brooklyn and blah...blah.. blah.. After reading bout the PCA, it looks like I didn't miss much.

The winners were pretty predictable. Brangelina were voted the greatest living things. Of course, they think they are too good for that shit, so they didn't grace the peons with their presence. Click here to see all the winners.

Below I've thrown a bunch of pictures into one big toilet below. You can pick each one out and dissect them or you can just flush. Your choice. Dakota Fanning honestly look the best, because the MAC Cosmetics counter didn't vomit all over her face.

I'm hoping his year's Oscars will be shirt-optional since Hugh Jackman is hosting it and he suffers from Matthew McConaughy syndrome. The Oscar bitches announced today that Hugh will host the Oscars on February 22nd. The show is usually hosted by people who tell jokes for a living, but they decided that sex sells so they got Hugh instead.

Hugh is actually an excellent choice! As long as he keeps his shirt off, keeps the bow tie on (it is the Oscars after all) and opens the show in an Oscar statue hammock thong, everyone will be pleased. Tommy Girl better keep his hungry no-no under lock and key, because that thing is going to try and eat the host.

Oh and Hugh better recreate this performance he did for the Tony Awards (complete with Carole Bayer Sager's introduction, of course):

Source

What in the barley water Xenu hell is this shit all about?! Tommy Girl got a Best Supporting Actor nomination for his "blink and you'll miss it" cameo in Tropic Thunder. Who's Caesar Salad with extra dressing did he toss to get nominated? The better question is probably who's Caesar Salad hasn't he tossed in Hollywood? Does it only take wearing a bald cap and acting like a fool to get nominated? If that's the case then Coneheads should have swept the GGs back in '93. ....the fuck?!

The other dudes in Tommy's category include Robert Downey Jr. (Tropic Thunder), Ralph Fiennes (The Duchess), Philip Seymour Hoffman (Doubt) and Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight).

Heath was the only one nominated from The Dark Knight.

In the other film categories, Brad Pitt was nominated for that baby with old face movie. St. Angelina was nominated for that "He is not mah son" movie. Sean Penn got one for Milk and Mickey "My Face Kills Bunnies" Rourke got one for The Wrestler. Both Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet were nominated twice. Meryl for Mamma Mia! (ew) and Doubt. Kate for Revolutionary Road and The Reader.

During the nominations, the audience started laughing their shit off when Tommy Girl and James Franco (for Pineapple Express) were nominated. I didn't laugh when they announced Tommy, I slapped myself, poured rubbing booze in my ears and rewinded to make sure I heard correctly.

On the TV side....TRUE BLOOD WAS ROBBED!!!!! TB only got two nominations: one for Best Drama and one for Anna Paquin. No nominations for Lafayette and Tara! They are the best bitches in that shit! Anna Paquin is the least most interesting ho in that crap. RECOUNT!

While I go and write my "You are True Blood H8RS" letter to the Foreign Press Association, click here to see all the Golden Globe Nominations.

AND no Phoebe Price for her life-changing role in Get Smart! I can't.....

Kathy Griffin recorded her comedy album For Your Consideration just so she could get a Grammy and her dream is very close to coming true. Memaw Maggie's daughter was nominated for a Grammy for Best Comedy Album last night along with Flight of the Conchords, George Carlin, Lewis Black and Harry Shearer. Hooray! This bitch better win just so she can offend the uptight dumbasses of America again.

The nominations were announced last night during a Grammy nomination concert. They had a fucking concert to announce the nominations and they showed that shit on TV. What's next? A televised concert to announce the nomination concert? And another televised concert to announce that Mimi's shit is banana-shaped?

Lil Wayne received the most nominations with 8. Coldplay got 7 nominations. Jay-Z, Ne-Yo and Kanye got 6 nominations each. Here's just a few of the top categories. Click here to see the full long ass list.

Album of the Year
Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends, Coldplay (Chris Martin must be stopped)
Tha Carter III, Lil Wayne
Year of the Gentleman, Ne-Yo
Raising Sand, Robert Plant & Alison Krauss
In Rainbows, Radiohead

Record of the Year
"Chasing Pavements," Adele
"Viva la Vida," Coldplay
"Bleeding Love," Leona Lewis
"Paper Planes," M.I.A.
"Please Read the Letter," Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

Song of the Year (for the songwriter)
"American Boy," performed by Estelle featuring Kanye West
"Chasing Pavements," performed by Adele
"I'm Yours," performed by Jason Mraz
"Love Song," performed by Sara Bareilles
"Viva La Vida," performed by Coldplay

Best New Artist
Adele
Duffy
Jonas Brothers
Lady Antebellum
Jazmine Sullivan

Um. I think they're going to need to do a recount. This list doesn't seem right. I mean, where's It's So Cold in the D and Smell Yo Dick? Mistakes have been made. Those two masterpieces should have the most nominations.

And I expect Spaghetti Cat (I Weep For You) and Kim Zolciak's Tightrope to sweeeeeeeep next year's nominations.