Award Shows

Alien Princess RiRi had to find a way to top Sasha Fierce in the "I'm so avante-garde" department and wearing an eye patch was the answer. Shiver me timbers! The eye patch made sense since it looks like she has an annoying bird on her head and she moves like she has a peg leg. She fucking looked like Prince from the 80s dressed as a pirate to a Waterworld-themed S&M party.

Together, Alien Princess RiRi and Sasha Fierce are making thousands of Sci-Fi nerd peens go raw. They are like a Sci-Fi nerd's wet dream come true.

Click here to see Space Pirate RiRi's performance, but the pictures really say it all.

Also, here's a few pics of RiRi walking the red carpet while wearing Holly Hobbie's bedskirt after it was left in the dryer too long.

I knew there was a good reason why I was sat through the American Mess Awards last night, it was so that I could catch a glimpse of our beloved "Hot Babe of the Year" and international supermodel Phoebe Price! I smelled the aroma of crispy chicken skin even before the camera caught her ravishing fire nest.

PP was there because what's an award without the hardest-working seat filler in the business! She gave out mints in the ladies bathroom between her seat filling shifts. I kid, I kid. PP was there because when you think of America, you think of PP. When you think of music, you think of PP. And when you think of award shows, you think of PP. Clearly.

Chicken Cutlets was even caught on camera like twice! She probably got a total of 10-seconds airtime. I think that's a record for her! And the Emmy for Sexiest Chicken Cutlets Filling an Awards Show Seat goes to.....

Here's more of PP wearing a vintage David's Bridal bridesmaids dress last night.

And I thought the Emmy Awards was a Simply Sleep enema. Well, the fashion was even more boring and predictable. It was one generic gown after the other. Thankfully, some broad named Christina DeRosa won a contest from Subway Sandwiches and got to go to the Emmys. No. I don't know how she got in, but I'm glad she did. I'm also glad that when she got tangled up in the paper shades in her apartment, she decided to make it part of her gorgeous ensemble. The woman in back of her obviously agrees.

I've already named international supermodel Phoebe Price as the best dressed at the Emmys. That goes without saying. Christina DeRosa is a close second. This is how you do it. She's perfection from her hair to her shoes. I think she transported back to the mid-80s to get her updo done at the JcPenney salon while Lil' Suzy blasted in the background. I can smell the mixture of AquaNet and burnt L.A. Looks gel from here. That's the kind of hair you lose your virginity in after prom. She also gets a gold star for making a handbag out of folded coffee filters. Bitch is so resourceful!

And it was nice of Tommy Girl to lend her a pair of shoes from his personal collection.

I also threw in some pictures of JLove and her creepy boyfriend, because she obviously got her hair done at the same joint as Christina, but ran off in the middle of it. Oh and everyone's favorite goth club grown-ups, Vyxsin and Kynt from the "Amazing Race," were also at the Emmys. And you know Tommy Girl is ordering Kynt's shoes in every color right now.

This is for the bitches out there smart enough to skip the sleeping pill known as the Emmys. Unfortunately, you can't escape the most bizarre part of the evening. I'm talking about Josh Groban's insane montage of TV themes. I was nodding off like a junkie after a fix for most of the show, but when Josh's mouth opened, my eyes immediately turned on and my ears started screaming, "Why me?!!!"

When he did the "South Park" theme, I had to make sure the weed wasn't spiked with acid. As much as this was horrifically beautiful, you know what would have made it soooo much better? If the amazing performers from "The Way" were his back-up singers and dancers. That would've taken this shit to the next fucking dimension.

The Emmys are probably the most sleep-inducing awards show in all the land, so let's all hold hands and try and make the best of it. This is what Cojo would want us to do and he's Chastity Bono's long-lost twin, so he knows what's good.

If you have nothing better to do, grab a bottle of Boones Farms, park your lazy ass on the couch, switch your TV from the Spice Channel to ABC and join me as we watch all these TV hos read lines off of a teleprompter. Exciting shit. Oh and don't forget to say a little prayer hoping Eva LongWHORIA falls on her ass!!!

This Lunesta fiesta is like ten hours long, so I'm splitting it into two posts. Part 1 will cover 8pm to 10pm. Part 2 will cover 10pm and beeeeeyoooond. Part 1 after the jump. I lied. I'm going to do all of it in one post. It's going to be long as hell, but your mouse can use the exercise. It's all after the jump. JUMP!!!!

I'm liveblogging the MTV VMAs tonight, so we can all torture ourselves together. Use one hand to hold mine and the other hand to hold an economy-sized bottle of vodka. You're going to need it. If you don't have any booze in the house, then rubbing alcohol and cough syrup will do. If you don't even have that, then cut a little Drano with some tap water. Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. And did you remember to make a very special Flaming Cheeto Loaf for this very occasion? If not, put one in the fucking oven and join me after the jump. JUMP!!!

Brit Brit shot a promo for the MTV VMAs yesterday with host Russell Brand and some grouchy elephant. Yes, that elephant is grouchy! He's been forced to hold his nose and breathe through his mouth, because Brit Brit cut one.

The promo was shot at Paramount Studios, the joint where this year's awards is being held. A source told E!'s Marc Malkin about the promo, "It was mostly ad-libbed, with Russell asking her for advice about hosting the show. There's also a 9,000-pound elephant in it, as in 'the elephant in the room.' "

It was smart of Brit Brit to do a promo with Russell. His lizard's nest makes her weave look like it came directly from Rapunzel's head.

MTV kept their traps shut about the possibility of Brit Brit presenting or possibly performing at this year's awards show.

MTV needs to make this happen! She needs the chance to top last year's Vicodin-induced masterpiece. I know she doesn't have a new song or anything, but she could just perform "E-Mail My Heart" with dancing computers.

And you know Russell tried to hit that. He should've just told Brit Brit that his dick tastes like cheese. He wouldn't be lying!

Say those six words when you get to the gates of hell and you'll immediately be ushered to the VIP section.

I think it's pretty effin' disgusting that the producers are even considering allowing this douche bag host the Oscars. How long are the Oscars? Like 15 hours? Imagine sitting through 15 hours of Justin Timberlake. There isn't enough booze and drugs on the planet to get you through that.

A source told The National Enquirer (via CM) that the producers were impressed with Justin after watching him host the ESPY Awards. They thought he was "naturally funny." And methinks the producers are "naturally high."

They also think Justin could bring in a younger audience. The source went on to say, "Justin is more than a singer, he's a song-and-dance man - and turned in a performance (at the ESPY Awards) any comedian would envy. Our first question was, 'Can we get him?' Justin does it all, and knows how to work a star-studded audience." Song-and-dance man? Since when is this douche Gene Kelly?

This may be the perfect time to end the Oscars awards show. It's been a good run, but it's time to call it a day the minute you start to consider Justin Timberfake as a host. Instead, they can hand out the awards in the parking lot of Bob's Big Boy after Sunday buffet brunch.

Who knew that saying "Yer eder in or yer aut" each week would get Heidi Klum an Emmy nom? Heidi was nominated along with Ryan Gaycrest, Jeff Probst, Tom Bergeron and Howie Mandel for Outstanding Reality Show Host. This shit is a new category.

I hope Heidi wins this shit! However, you know TyTy Baby is shredding her weave this morning. Heidi shouldn't expect to receive a "TyTy's Favorite Things" basket at Christmas this year.

Top Model wasn't nominated for shit! How can they do this to TyTy? Couldn't they come up with a category just for her? Best Weave in a Reality Show? Biggest Ego in the History of the World? Anything!

Oh well. "Project Runway" was also nominated along with "Dancing with the Has-Beens," "American Idol," "Top Chef" and "The Amazing Race." AGAIN! The Amazing Race needs to pull an Oprah and take themselves out of the running. Give someone else a chance aka TyTy Baby.

"30 Rock" got the most Emmy noms with 17. Go Tina! "Mad Men" got 16.

Other hot bitches that got nominated were Glenn Close (Damages), Michael Emerson (Lost), Neil Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Mother), Ashley Jensen (Extras), Vanessa Williams (Ugly Betty) and Cynthia Nixon (Law & Order).

Click here to see the full list

That was a stupid question. We know who did it! B-E-Y-O-N-C-E!!! She totally told Solange that everyone is wearing their wigs backwards. Everyone. I mean, I think the tag is sticking out in the front. And the dress and bag were definitely DIY projects using items from the local Salvation Army. Bitch is a walking Project Runway challenge. Damn, Beyonce! She got Solange again!

Solange wore this sad, sad ensemble to the BET Awards last night. Speaking of wigs that should've been left at home, that thing sitting on Lil Kim's head is illegal.

Here's more sexy messes from last night including Terry Howard who looked baby wipe fresh and Ashanti with a Cinnabon sitting in her hair.