Award Shows

Nas and his lady, Kelis, were at the Grammys last night wearing the title of his next album. Obviously these two were trying to get some attention, but I think they were thinking too small. It is the Grammys, so a lot of these celebs are too busy checking out themselves or checking out Aretha's 40lb flour sacks (see below). Some people might have missed Nas and Kelis' cry for attention. They should have went bigger. I'm thinking blinking neon signs, a megaphone blasting the name of the album and maybe some cheerleaders who could lift up their skirts every 5-minutes and spell out his album name on their asses.

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Amy Wino won record of the year, song of the year, best new artist and pop female vocal performance at the Grammys on Sunday. She nearly swept the joint clean, but she lost best album. Wino performed from London and it was nice to see her crack shake on TV. She kept doing the detoxing-from-heroin-shimmy. It was like she had the evil in her and was trying to bounce it out. During her performance she also shouted out to her Blaaaake. Damn, she is dickmatized bad. She's always got Blake on the brain. She accepted her award for record of the year on camera and thanked "my Blake incarcerated" while holding on to her mother. How romantic.

The look on her face was amazing. I was hoping she would fall to the ground and scream "Blaaaaaaaaakeeeeeee!"

Beyonce and Tina Turner performed at the Grammys and I really wish it was just Tina. It started out kind of strange with Beyonce dancing around a chair and talking about the women of music. The weird part was that she was lip-synching the talking part. It was like watching an animatronic robot. The words didn't quite match up with her mouth. Then Tina came out and all was alright again. She was like a little hunchback squeezed into some American Apparel bodysuit. She was hot. I mean, she even did "You Better Be Good To Me." I can hear Tina sing "Hot kisses in the night" over and over again. Beyonce came out to join her for "Proud Mary." Beyonce really should have stayed in the back with the background dancers and let Tina do her thing. Beyonce tries so fucking hard and Tina doesn't have to. Tina forever!

Below is Beyonce sort of looking like M.I.A. with her hot ass sister Solange. Poor Solange. When is her time coming? When are Papa Knowles and Beyonce going to let her out of the basement?

....And someone had to be the crazy bag lady of the red carpet. Thankfully, Cyndi Lauper was available. She slithered on the Grammy red carpet tonight and posted on top of some cheap ass car. Love her. Her hair was by Medusa and her gown was by Morticia Adams. She presented Best New Artist to Amy Winehouse with Miley Cyrus. Miley looks only a few years younger than Cyndi with all that whore make-up on.

Since Sally is in the hospital for being really tired or something, Cyndi needs to take her place as the new insane mess of the carpet.

When I first saw Fantasia's skunk head a day or two ago, I thought it was a joke! Homegirl is for real. You know, it's straight-up Fantasia. A straight up mess! The hair, the braces, it's all working for me. Hoodrat with actual rat hair! I think that dress was pulled out of a trash can.

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The DGA really should thank Sean Young for making their awards show on Saturday night actually entertaining. Defamer reports that Dlister, Sean, got fucking wasted and started causing a scene during the awards portion. How the hell did she get in there in the first place?

A witness said, "She started talking loudly through out the show...at times screaming in French at the stage when that French actress from La Vie en Rose took the stage..at other times breaking into song. She yelled at a video clip of George Clooney from Michael Clayton and then would start nuzzling the neck of her date (who seemed oblivious) but it was when Julian Schnabel took the stage toward the end of the evening that she really went kook...yelling at him to "get on with it" and to "move it on." Julian yelled back at her to "Have another drink, Honey" and started to leave the stage before the crowd yelled at him to stay. He continued to talk and Sean stood up and made a big production of putting on her white fur coat, walking around in a circle and then taking her seat again. Finally a security guard came over and grabbed her arm and yanked her through the tables to the side door and tossed her out."

This bitch is so fucking hot. She was probably drinking Long Island Iced Teas and taking them in like mad, because she's not around an open bar that often. Somebody get her a reality show now! Actually, invite her to the Oscars and keep feeding her drinks. I want to see her try and tell Viggo Mortensen off.

The Oscar nominations were announced this morning and thankfully there was no Keira Knightley. I'm surprised, because they usually like nominating those wispy waifs that do nothing, but quiver their lips during scenes. They finally woke up. Angelina Jolie also didn't get nominated. Who even knows if the Oscars will get a big party this year with the strike going on and all? That hot bitch Javier Bardem (above) was nominated and he's a lock for the win. A lock I tell you!

Here's some of the nominations. Click here to see the full list

Best Picture
Atonement
Juno
Michael Clayton
No Country For Old Men
There Will Be Blood

Best Supporting Actress
Cate Blanchett, I'm Not There
Ruby Dee, American Ganster
Saorise Ronan, Atonement
Amy Ryan, Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton

Best Supporting Actor
Casey Affleck, The Assassination Of Jesse James
Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men
Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Charlie Wilson's War
Hal Holbrook, Into the Wild
Tom Wilkinson, Michael Clayton

Best Actress
Cate Blanchett, Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Julie Christie, Away From Her
Marion Cotillard, La Vie En Rose
Laura Linney, The Savages
Ellen Page, Juno

Best Actor
George Clooney, Michael Clayton
Daniel Day Lewis, There Will Be Blood
Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd
Tommy Lee Jones, In The Valley of Elah
Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises

It looks like Amy Wino will show up to the Grammys after all next month. Wino was having some Visa issues, but it looks like they have been worked out. It's still unknown whether or not she will perform. The Grammys will go on despite the WGA strike. They said that even if they don't get approval by the WGA they still still go on with the show. Scabs! That means these airhead music types have to make up their banter.

I can't wait! The Grammy producers need to get Britney as well. Make Britney and Wino host the thing. Brit can hand out awards using her fake British accent with a little of her Nell-talk thrown in. Wino can just curse everyone out while screaming for her Blake.

Wino's new hair definitely makes her a real contender in the fugliest fug in the world contest.

Source: EW.com

This was the best Golden Globes ever! Cut all the crap and just get straight to the awards. No annoying speeches and instead of a red carpet with celebrities wearing boring ass dresses were these beauties picketing for the WGA. The GG Awards should be like this every year! I say they should start a new tradition. Here some of the winners. Click here to see the entire list

Best Motion Picture, Drama
o American Gangster
o Atonement - WINNER
o Eastern Promises
o The Great Debaters
o Michael Clayton
o No Country for Old Men
o There Will Be Blood

Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama
o George Clooney, Michael Clayton
o Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood - WINNER
o James McAvoy, Atonement
o Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises
o Denzel Washington, American Gangster

Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Drama
o Cate Blanchett, Elizabeth: The Golden Age
o Julie Christie, Away from Her - WINNER
o Jodie Foster, The Brave One
o Angelina Jolie, A Mighty Heart
o Keira Knightley, Atonement

Best Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy
o Across the Universe
o Charlie Wilson's War
o Hairspray
o Juno
o Sweeney Todd - WINNER

Best Actor, Musical or Comedy
o Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd - WINNER
o Ryan Gosling, Lars and the Real Girl
o Tom Hanks, Charlie Wilson's War
o Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Savages
o John C. Reilly, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

* Best Actress, Musical or Comedy
o Amy Adams, Enchanted
o Nikki Blonsky, Hairspray
o Helena Bonham Carter, Sweeney Todd
o Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose - WINNER
o Ellen Page, Juno

Best Series, Drama
o Big Love
o Damages
o Grey's Anatomy
o House
o Mad Men - WINNER
o The Tudors

Best Series, Comedy or Musical
o 30 Rock
o Californication
o Entourage
o Extras - WINNER
o Pushing Daisies

Well, that was fun. I really hope they do it this way next year. I'm serious. Except instead of all those annoying entertainment news TV hosts announcing the winners they should have porn stars do it. That would make it even more exceptional.

Well, that sucks. One of my favorite sleeping aids, The Golden Globes, has officially been cancelled from TV. The Screen Actors Guild refused to let their bitches cross picket lines. They will instead air an even more boring press conference on NBC News. Actually, maybe that would be a more effective sleep aid than the Golden Globe awards show itself. Sounds good.

You know I'm rather disappointed with the Hollywood Foreign Press for missing an opportunity. They could've made the Golden Globes entertaining without actors. I would've invited porn stars over to announce the winners. They could even keep the name! Porn stars would definitely cross picket lines. Well, you would have to put a dick on the other side, but they would totally do it.

Mary Carey announcing the nominees for Best Actress in a Drama would be genius.

Oh well! If they get Dr. Nancy Snyderman to announce the winners I'll totally watch it.

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