Nicky Hilton

These three Japanese Wonky McValtrex fans really wanted to meet their icon today. They punched each other in the left eye to bring the wonk out, they filled their crotches with coked up crabs, and they put on a bunch of clothes that nobody over the age of 8-months should wear. Just like Paris! But their "OMGImsoexcitedtocatchanSTDfromParis" faces quickly turned into sad faces when they realized she wasn't going to show up. Wonky couldn't greet her fans, because immigration officials stopped her from entering the country. Oh, Japan, keep being magical.

Fox News reports that Wonks was detained for 6 hours today over that whole "getting caught with coke" shit. Before Wonks boarded a private jet to Japan, she pled guilty to coke possession in Las Vegas. Immigration officials in Japan have an issue with that, because any person with a "suspended sentence" is not allowed entry into the country except under special circumstances.

Wonks is in Japan to promote her line of purses (aka coke carriers) with her sister. All of her scheduled appearances have been put on hold until further notice. Wonks and Nicky are staying at an airport hotel until immigration decides to let her in or not.

Why was she there for six hours?! Did it really take that long for the bravest members of Japan's bomb squad to put on gas masks, grab a vat of holy water and venture into her cunt cavern to make sure she's not bringing in any bags of coke? Maybe they haven't made it back yet. Yeah, that's probably it.

If Japan does the right thing by not letting Paris in, they can officially change their welcome sign from "Welcome to Japan: The Land of Fresh Fuckery" to "Welcome to Japan: A Proud Wonk-Free Zone!!!"

And back to the picture above. I'm conflicted about ole' girl on the left. It's true that everybody loves an old whore, but does everybody love an old whore lover? That's the question.

This would've been the perfect case for Poochinski. Sigh. So yesterday, Bijou "Fuck A Snake" Phillips and Nicky Hilton followed the Three Billy Goats Gruff past the bridge to Tila Tequila's troll cottage. Bijou and Nicky were there to collect Casey Johnson's belongings as well as her two dogs.

They said they were acting on behalf of the Johnson family. Bijou and Nicky must have given the incorrect answer to Tila's riddle, because she refused to give up the dogs. Tila immediately sent her flying monkey messenger to fetch the cops. When the cops arrived, they called the Johnson family in New York and eventually allowed Bijou and Nicky to take the dogs.

According to Tila, she refused to hand the dogs over because she believes the Johnson family is making plans to put them to sleep so they can be buried with Casey. Bijou denied this.

Those of you who have been closely following Tila's Twitter page and blog are probably soaking your heads in a bath tub full of ammonia right now so you're not reading any of this. But those of you that haven't should really should grab a vat of holy water and head into Tila's den of craziness. Here's a little preview: "I need 2 rest. House Hunting tomorrow 4 a new Mansion. It was Casey & I's plan 2 get a new mansion 2gether so I will fulfill her wish &do it".

Actually, maybe you should wait outside and watch this video of yesterday's dog drama instead:

When it's announced that the world's supply of silicone has gone dry, send your hate/thank you letters to Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I mean, DAMN! Usually, when I see a pair of gigantic chichi balls, I want to curl up between them and take a long afternoon nap. But these things make me want to grab the cross. Seriously, if Kim hugged you, your rib cage would break and your lungs would fall into your stomach. It wouldn't be good. They should give Kim the Olympic gold medal in weightlifting for carrying around those medicine balls. And am I the only one that suddenly has the urge to go bowling?

But on a positive note, at least Kim's breasts of destruction take the focus off her Barbie cemetery wig.

Here's more of Kim at last night's Fox Reality Awards. I also threw in some pictures of Vivica Fox, Lorenzo Lamas, Shayne Lamas, Judy Tenuta (with an OctoMom boa), Wonky, Nicky Hilton, Gretchen Bonaduce, Dairy (typo and it stays) DeLaWhora, Eric Roberts, Antonio Sabato Jr., his hot mom, Gretchen Rossi, Big Brother's Chima (with Mr. Empress of Lucite), Cindy Margolis and Adrianne Curry.

Those Hilton dumpsters really know how to be massive cuntoids (and not in a good way). Nicky Hilton must have gotten bored with laughing at people inside of the club, so she took her bitch act outside to cackle and point at the sad saps who couldn't get in.

Page Six says that Nicky and her dick bag boyfriend David Katzenberg sat outside of East Hampton's Lily Pond club on Saturday night laughing at all the rejects. A source said Nicky "stayed outside, hysterically laughing every time someone wasn't let in. She was loving it."

This hag needs to wipe the coke dust off the mirror and have a good look if she wants a real laugh. Bitch looks like the reflection of a downsy pony in a funhouse mirror.

Where was a drunken Lizzie Grubman in her SUV when you needed her? Lizzie, this would've been a perfect time for an encore performance. You disappointed us all!

Nicky Hilton getting pushed down + IHOP + A Citzen's Arrest + A transient = A fucking amazing story worth a standing ovation and a dick slap. Seriously, I want to get my lazy ass out of my chair and clappity clap for this hotness. I just wish Vivica Fox and her SLYCIC friends told us this would happen beforehand, so that we could set up seats, order a Rooty Tooty and cheer on the transient!

TMZ says that for some reason (*cough*coke pick-up*cough*) Nicky Hilton was outside of IHOP in West Hollywood at 5am when she got into an altercation with a "transient." The country's newest hero then pushed Nicky to the ground.

Surprisingly, Nicky's bony ass didn't break into a million pieces. Nicky got up and then pulled a citizen's arrest on his ass. The police showed up and the transient was arrested.

The only way this story could get hotter is if the transient turned out to be Dollhouse Dude. But I'm pretty sure the transient was a skinny baby or a scrappy kitten, because you have to be one weak ho to get arrested by Nicky Hilton. All you gotta do is clap your hands and the sound vibrations will send that bitch flying.

And I'm so fucking mad that Nicky Hilton got to scream "CITIZEN'S ARREST! CITIZEN'S ARREST!" That shit was wasted on that skank.

Actually, I take that back. The joke isn't obvious. She's posing with a dog, not a fucking potato.

Here's our little Tater Head at The Power of Paws event in NYC last night. The pooch with Rumer is a true professional and gentleman. He's allowing Rumer to touch and pose with him, but he dare not look her straight in the chin. That would make him lose his composure. I'm assuming poochie is a he, because all dogs who look like that are dudes. Dudes or gayelles.

Someone should have barked at poochie to help Rumer lift up those saggy cutlets! It's driving me crazy. I hate to see a couple of sad titties.

Nicky Hilton, Caridee English and some other ho also showed up to last night's event. Now, Nicky posing with a dog is an obvious joke.

The chick with the blonde HGTV hair above won some Mother's Day contest from Wonky and Nicky Hilton. The prize included a shopping spree with the praying mantis skanks and their mother. I hope the woman got all her shots. I would have cashed out that prize and spent it on dinner at Hometown Buffet. If I'm going to catch salmonella, I might as well get it from delicious fried chicken than from Wonky's skank fumes.

Our favorite poster couple for the CDC, Parasite Hilton and Benji Madden, attended Nicky Hilton's fashion show in the tents yesterday. Unfortunately, it was not a fumigation tent. Someone really should have thought about that. They missed out on catching two of the most diseased skanks in Los Angeles and quarantining their nastiness.

Parasite and Benji also showed off their "bowel movement" and "pussy hole" rings. Sucio.

These pictures of Nicky Hilton out shopping yesterday has everyonehorrified at how "extremely skinny" she looks. You would look like that too if you had to look at Paris and Kathy Hilton's skank faces every day. Nicky just needs to get away from Paris and Kathy, so she gets her appetite back.

18-year-old Barron Hilton has followed in his sister's foosteps by getting arrested for DUI at 8:30 this morning in Malibu. He was pulled over on PCH. He was driving in a black Mercedes-Benz with a passenger. No, it wasn't Paris or Nicky. TMZ reports that no drugs were found. He is currently being booked.

Mug shot! Mug shot! Mug shot! Nicky Hilton needs to step it up. I'm sure Kathy Hilton wants a complete wall of mug shots of all her children. It makes a Hilton proud.

I'm sure he will get bonus points from Kathy for being drunk at 8 in the morning.

UPDATE: PageSix.com claims Barron ran into a gas station employee before getting arrested this morning. The worker said he got knocked ot the ground. He said, "The Mercedes lost control as it was turning into the gas station and Barron got out of the car and he was totally drunk and couldn't walk straight." Even more bonus points! Kathy is creaming herself over this one.

Wenn