Knocked Up

Ivanka Trump is always working, working, working, working and she says that she works 16 hours most days, but yet she still found time to make a baby. My guess is that Ivanka's husband Jared Kushner rushes into her office in the middle of the day and quickly does her from the back while she's typing an e-mail with one hand and filling out her expense report with the other. So now Ivanka's assistant knows why her expense reports are always sticky and covered in lube and saliva.

Both Page Six and People say that Ivanka and Jared's 20-month-old daughter Arabella Rose is going to get a brother or a sister this fall. A source tells Page Six that Ivanka somehow found the time in between working, working, working, working to tell her friends that she's knocked up.

Ivanka and Jared are currently in the process of designing a swivel rolling labor chair for her office, so she can work work, work, work, work while giving birth.

Anyway, congratulations to Ivanka and Jared's nannies on their upcoming arrival! Also, congratulations to Ivanka and Jared's fetus, because in a few months it'll get to do what everyone in the world wants to do: spit and barf on Donald Trump's ugly face.

And here's the most beautiful Trump of them all, Melania Trump, at the launch of her new skin care line in NYC on Tuesday. Yes, Melania Trump is actually selling a line of skin care products. Is she really trying to make us believe that she uses products on her gorgeous face when we all know that her daily beauty regimen consists of tightening the piano wires that keep her face tight before dipping her mug in a tub of wax? Whatever, Melania is still giving us some cat-faced Sofia Vergara glamour and her eyebrows are a thing of majestic perfection.

And here's some news that'll make a CPS officer roll their eyes as they pull out a blank folder, grab a Sharpie and get themselves ready to write the name of Halle Berry's future child on it. TMZ says that a 3-month-old boy fetus is baking in Halle Berry's womb right now and her fiance Olivier Martinez is the father. End well: this isn't.

A source tells TMZ that 5-year-old Nahla is going to be a sister in around 6 months and 46-year-old Halle and 47-year-old Olivier already know they're having a boy. TMZ thinks that Halle might've gone mama bear wild on the paps at LAX the other day, because she was protecting the growing fetus in her baby bag.

Well, the good news is that every family law judge in L.A. knows that their job is safe for a few years since Olivier and Halle will be in their court room frequently after they eventually break up and fight over their kid. The other good news is that Nahla will have somebody to hang out with when the grown-ups start punching and choking each other out on the front yard driveway.

And Halle should save everybody some time and just go ahead and sue Olivier for full custody of their unborn baby so she can move out of the country with her next fiance. Might as well get that out of the way now.

UPDATE: Halle's rep confirms it to People.

Three days ago, a stork built a nest on top of Heather Morris' garage and that means it's getting ready to bring her a baby. UsWeekly says that 26-year-old Heather Morris has a 3-month-old fetus friend growing in her womb and she made it with her high school sweetheart turned grown-up boyfriend Taylor Hubbell. A source says that Heather and Taylor didn't plan for her to come down with a case of the BABIES!!, which means either the condom broke, she bought her birth control pills off the Internet or she really doesn't know that a baby is made when a sperm fish swims out of a dude's peen and shoves itself into a lady egg.

"She's a little more than three months along and starting to show," the source says of the Scottsdale, Ariz. The dad-to-be is the star's longtime boyfriend Taylor Hubbell, whom she met in high school.

"It was totally unexpected, but they are incredibly happy and excited," the source tells Us.

Although a second pal says the pair have no plans to wed just yet, a march down the aisle might not be far off. Says the source: "I see it in their future."

Finn from Glee went to rehab and it got him a blurb in People Magazine. Brittany got knocked up and it got her a blurb in UsWeekly. So that means that right now Lea Michele is getting it on with a turkey baster and a meth pipe, because next week's covers of UsWeekly and People are HERS!!!!!

Katie Price announced today that soon she'll birth out the luckiest human alive who gets to call England's national treasure and earth angel Harvey Price its brother, because she's knocked up with her fourth OK! Magazine cover baby. When Katie Price married part-time stripper Kieran Hayler in the Bahamas last month, we all heard the sound of a shotgun going off and figured it was just the sanctity of marriage putting a bullet in its head. But nope, that shotgun went off, because Katie Price had a fetus in her womb when she said "I do" to her future ex-husband. Katie told The Sun today that she and Kieran weren't planning to have a baby together, but sometimes it happens when you and your piece bump crotches bareback-style.

“It’s come as a shock. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous because I’ve experienced miscarriages in the past. But we’re all over the moon. The baby wasn’t part of our plan at this stage but anyone who knows me knows I’m not one for sticking to rules and plans.

I haven’t actually been sick yet but I’m already starting to feel it. I’m having to lie down a fair bit because my stomach feels like a washing machine."

This will be Kieran's first kid (that he knows of) and Katie's fourth. She has two kids, Junior and Princess Tiamamaimaiamiamaimaia, with Peter Andre and she claims that she made Harvey Price with Dwight Yorke, but I'm pretty sure she got pregnant with Harvey via immaculate conception. I read that in the Bible somewhere.

I'm going to choose to ignore that horrific OTM violation and instead congratulate the newest Price. Yes, the newest Price will have a father who will wax its chest and give it a Brazilian when it's 9 months and yes, one of the first things it will smell will be the rancid cat piss scent of his mother's self tanner, but it will have Harvey Price as a brother. And that's the greatest gift of all.

Here's Katie trying to hide her bump while going to dinner with her stripper husband on VD.

With a belly full of baby #2, Jessica Simpson has announced that she's going off of her Weight Watchers diet for now. DUH. (Read: Jessica got knocked up again just so she could belly up to the Golden Corral buffet without WW's being all up in her face about it. "FUCK a bunch of three million dollars, FOOD, bitches!!!" - Jessica) In a statement, Weight Watchers wished her luck with her new family while holding their middle fingers up under the table and threw her no public shade for her decision.

From Yahoo! News:

"It's wonderful news and we couldn't be happier for Jessica, Eric [Johnson] and big sister-to-be Maxwell," Cheryl Callan, Senior Vice President of Marketing at Weight Watchers, said in a statement on Wednesday.

I say if you're Jessica Simpson, and can afford to turn down $3 million while burping out babies and Arby's curly fries, more power to you. And who the hell wants to diet while they're pregnant, except for do-goody moms who actually follow doctor's instructions?? YUCK. I mean, she already lost over 50 pounds from her first pregnancy that ended a week ago, what the hell do you want from her?? On a related note, PopTarts, Country Crock, and Krispy Kreme stock just shot through the roof. Seriously, pregnant women are not supposed to be on Weight Watchers, as is emblazoned across the bottorm of the screen at the end of this not-redneck-at-all video where Jessica announces she's only quitting FOR NOW.

And here are a couple more pics of Jessica walking on the beach in Hawaii with her baby daddy Eric Johnston while she is coyly covering her baby bump. If Michael K wants to see her in person, he should just follow the trail of empty Entenmann's boxes.

Bitches can stop throwing Jessica Simpson a "GUUURRRRRL, you just swallowed three lifetimes of Weight Watchers points" side-eye when she puts her mouth around a Pop-Tarts and three sticks of butter sandwich, because she's eating buttered Pop-Tarts for two now. Jessica tweeted this picture of Baby Maxwell this morning and it's her way of letting everyone know that she'll be birfing out her second baby in about 98 weeks or so. My hungover eyes saw this pic and thought the words read "BIG TITS." That makes sense too since the last time Chestica got knocked up, her chichis grew to the size of Papa Joe's bulging eyeballs when he sees a hairless, blonde twink sashaying by.

About a month ago, UsWeekly put a No Vacancy sign over Jessica's uterus when they said that she came down with another case of the babies just a few months after she gave birth to Baby Maxwell. Then Weight Watchers threw a mountain of money at her, she lost 50 pounds and then said, "Fuckit, losing weight is overrated, I'm hongray!"

Weight Watchers didn't miss a second and tweeted some words for Chestica:

Congrats to @JessicaSimpson, Eric and big-sister-to-be Maxwell! Your WW family is so thrilled for you. What an amazing year you've had!

Translation: "Um, here's the receipt, can we go our moneys back?"

But really, congratulations to Chestica, Whatshisname and the makers of Pop-Tarts who will have another record-breaking year!

via People

Duchess Kate officially has a royal case of the babies and she's laid up in the hospital, because she can't stop barfing. The Palace announced the news today:

Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting a baby. The Queen, The Duke of Edinburgh, The Prince of Wales, The Duchess of Cornwall and Prince Harry and members of both families are delighted with the news. The Duchess was admitted this afternoon to King Edward VII Hospital in Central London with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. As the pregnancy is in its very early stages, Her Royal Highness is expected to stay in hospital for several days and will require a period of rest thereafter.

December 3, 2012 is the day where I felt jealousy toward a fetus, because it will get its first vodka shot from Prince Hot Ginge at Christmas dinner in a few years and it gets to sit on PHG's lap whenever it wants. And I really hope Prince William and Kate name their kid "Morrissey."

The last puddle on the streets of Los Angeles from the last great amniotic fluid flood that was Jessica Simpson's birth hasn't even dried up, but she might already be knocked up with her second kid. It was just seven months ago when Maxwell Drew rode her tricycle out of Chestica's coochie after being up in there for approximately 26 trimesters and now a source tells UsWeekly that another fetus moved into her womb 9 weeks ago. Well, I guess that's one way to get out of your Weight Watchers contract.

Jessica's rep hasn't opened their mouth about this yet, but they can take the day off, because some source is spilling all the details for them. The source says that this is one of those whoops-a-babies (Side note: "Whoops-a-babies" sounds like Kate Gosselin's favorite sport.) and Jessica and Whateverhisnameis didn't exactly plan to have another kid so soon after the first. But that's the funny thing about making babies. Sometimes when you take bare loads to the ovaries, a baby happens! This is Jessica's cue to start screaming at nature for lying to her by saying that you can't make a baby if you're squirting leche from your nipple knobs. Jessica found out the real way that sometimes breastfeeding isn't nature's birth control.

So this is why when I went to El Pollo Loco last night to order their entire stock of chocolate nachos, the lady at the window told me that a screeching tornado of blond hair came through and picked up every last delicious chocolate tortilla chip. Damn you, Jessica. Another 7 months of hos telling me that they're all out of chocolate nachos.

This is good news for so many reasons. Whateverhisname just won another 18 years of not working. Hostess gets to stay in business now. And thanks to Jessica blabbing about the joys of pregnancy sex over and over again, Papa Joe can frolic on all the twink butt he wants without nosy tabloid reporters sniffing up his ass. ("But I like it when they sniff up my ass." - Papa Joe)

Just 7 months after birthing out her first kid Astala, Rotten Peaches Geldof told Hello Magazine (via The Sun) that another baby moved up into her womb 3 and a half months ago. Well, when you're Peaches Geldof, what else is there to do? One half of the day is spent prying your kid off of the sidewalk and the other half is spent squeezing a baby batter load out of your man. You can't blame Peaches, because if your husband looked like a middle-aged Eurasian lesbian who teaches women's studies at Vassar, you too would constantly ride that shit until a baby popped out.

Peaches is already telling the world what she's having and she and her piece Thomas Cohen have already picked out a name. They're going to name that poor kid PHAEDRA PHAE.DRA.

"It's a name that comes from an ancient Greek play. But it also features in a song Tom and I both love called Some Velvet Morning by Lee Hazlewood. Finding out I was pregnant again so soon was quite a shock. Tom was so happy. He loves being a dad so much and is brilliant with Astala, who totally adores him, so he was over the moon. I, on the other hand, did have a momentary panic and go, 'Oh my God, we're going to have a one-year-old and a one-month-old! How will we cope?' But Tom was so supportive and relaxed, it banished my doubts and I started imagining the two boys growing up together as the best of friends. It will be great for Astala to have Phaedra to play with."

Never mind Peaches' obvious Over the Moon violation, bitch is naming a boy Phaedra. There's only one way to express my feelings on Peaches naming her son PHAEDRA:

Yes, that name deserves Phaedra Parks' signature side-to-side eye roll. And here's some pictures of Baby Astala. I know, Peaches' coat looks so shiny and luscious in those pictures.

Somewhere in Miami, Kim Kardashian is loudly bawling while Pimp Mama Kris holds a vial under her face, because Kim's tears are made of 99% Botox and PMK isn't going to waste 'em! (Later, PMK will softly cackle while injecting her daughter's tears into her own forehead.) Kim is all feeling sorry for her stupid ass self, because her old piece Reggie Bush humped a baby into his new piece Lilit Avagyan. Reggie, who has sexed on so many Armenian girls that his dick should be the key to the City of Glendale, called into the Paul and Young Ron Morning Show today to say that he's so happy to be a father and this child is a gift (a gift to Lilit's checking account!) and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. What I think Reggie meant to say is that he's so happy about writing a child support check each  month. That really warms his heart.

Of course, Kim is crying her plastic face off over this, because she thinks she's the one who should be having a baby with Reggie Bush even though Reggie Bush would rather stick his peen in a shark's mouth than have a kid with a Kartrashian. Some source said this to Radar about Kim having the sads over Reggie knocking up some other 'round the way ho:

"Kim is very upset that there are reports out there Reggie has gotten Lilit pregnant. Kim had pressured Reggie for a very long time to get married while they were together because she wanted to have a family with him. Reggie just thought that Kim placed too much of a priority on her fame and reality television though and he wanted none of it. Reggie was a part of the Kardashian family for over five years and deep down Kim has always held out hope that they would end up together, even though she married Kris Humphries. She feels it is a slap in the face that Reggie would consider having a baby with this woman when he wouldn't with her."

Oh, please. Kim will snap out of it as soon as Pimp Mama Kris waves her "happy place" (a hundred dollar bill wrapped around a black dildo) at her. Then Kim will want every party involved to pay. Remember how Kim sued Old Navy for using a look-alike? Well, Kim is going to sue that Lilit trick for copyright infringement for having the same face as her. Kim is going to sue Reggie Bush, because I'm sure there's legal papers somewhere stating that she owns half of his sperm. Then when that baby is born, Kim's going to sue it for having a face that sort of looks like hers. Heffa is going to sue everybody!

And here's that heffa in Miami with Kanye West. I'm starting to think that Kanye is only with Kim to make her look like a bigger fool than she already is, because he totally picked out those stupid ass sunglasses.