Knocked Up

Minnie Driver is slowly dropping hints on the identity of the father of her baby. Is she going to give us a prize for guessing correctly? Minnie told The Independent that he's English and "sort of in the same business." It's totally Danger Mouse.

Minnie doesn't know who the father is, now does she? She needs me to call up Maury and schedule an appointment. I'll do it as a thank you gift to her for giving me Circle of Friends.

Minnie denied that the father is Craig Zolezzi. That's a good thing, because her baby's last name would be Zolezzi. SO...LEZZZZZY.

6-months-pregnant Minnie plans to keep her baby daddy a mystery for as long as possible. "I want to shield the baby's dad as much as I can because it wasn't his choice to get roped into all this stuff." Haha. She doesn't know! It's okay, all major hos run into the same dilemma at least once in their life.

Here's Minnie walking to BBC studios in London the other day. Bitch needs to be walking into Maury's studios instead.

A girl can't have a pretzel with extra cheese without people speculating that she's knocked up. I mean this is Reese Witherspoon we're talking about. I haven't been to a sex education class in a long time, but don't you have to engage in intercourse in order to get pregnant? I doubt her tickle sessions with Jakey Poo lead to anything more. Well, it leads to them doing each other's hair and crank calling Jennifer Aniston. They call Aniston and say, "Hi honey. It's John. Will you marry me?" When Jenny says "yes," they cackle and hang up on her.

Here's Reese with pretzel bloat at the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer yesterday in DC.

Beyonce is pregnant and that's the reason why she "rushed" her wedding to Jay-Z. That's what a source told Hollyscoop.

The source said, "Beyonce is 100% pregnant." They claims Beyonce and Jay-Z got married so quickly because of her strong Christian beliefs.

I'm glad she's 100% pregnant! Imagine if she was 25% pregnant? That would have been odd and very uncomfortable for her. And didn't her Christian beliefs tell her it's wrong to get it in the coot before marriage?

This is the thing, if it's not wedding rumors, it's baby rumors. If it's not baby rumors, it's break-up rumors. Rinse and repeat!

If Beyonce isn't knocked up, she should really consider adopting a needy child. The needy child I'm talking about is Solange.

Amy Poehler is knocked up with Will Arnett's baby! Yes, she's a Baby Mama. I know! Their rep confirmed to People Magazine that they are expecting a little one this Fall. The two have been married since 2003. It's their first baby.

Amy is currently starring in the #1 movie this weekend, Baby Mama, with that hot bitch Tina Fey.

Will and Amy better give that baby an awesome name or I just don't know about them. The world will be severely disappointed if they don't name baby after a fruit, vegetable or cartoon character. Wait, why don't they just name it Baby? No, they can't do that. If I ever have a baby, that's what I'm naming it. It's a name you can never forget. Baby!

Pete Wentz is truly going to make a great father. At least now he'll have someone to talk to that's on his IQ level. Speaking of pregnancy, Asshole Simpson is still milking the rumors to get more press.

Asshole continued to be an asshole by not giving a straight answer to the pregnancy questions. Asshole went on The Ellen DeGeneres (episode airs today) and would not give a simple "yes" or "no" to the questions being fired at her.

People reports that Ellen asked the pregnancy question and Asshole answered, "Well, that has been going on for quite a while. That is something that I choose personally not to discuss. Do I look like I had 10 cheeseburgers or something? Because I don't think I do." No, but I want to shove 10 cheeseburgers in her mouth, so she can shut the hell up already.

Ellen finally made Ash promise that if she is pregnant, she won't keep it a secret for a long ass time like JLo did. Asshole promised. Pete Wentz is probably the one that's pregnant. He's the one with the vagina. Maybe, people should start asking him when he's expecting.

Here's the expectant mother at the opening of the Bape store in Los Angeles last night.

Marky Mark and his fiance of 4 years, Rhea Durham, are expecting their third baby. Dang! Why won't he marry the girl already. Rhea will pop out a baby this fall. They have a daughter, Ella Rae, and a son, Michael.

A friend of Marky Mark's told OK!, "Mark is thrilled to be having another baby. He is an amazing dad, and his two children are his world. He always used to joke about wanting at least a dozen kids, but it looks like he wasn't joking after all."

Basically I just wanted to post this picture of Marky Mark from the 90s. This shit was a huge part of my adolescence. Many hours were spent in the bathroom....I'll stop.

Bonus! Here's video of a dog trying to rip off Marky's panties for a photo shoot with Annie Leibovitz back in the day. He used to be such a tool. He was the kind of dude that would start putting his pants on immediately after busting one on you. Swooooooon!

Pete Wentz has already denied that his douche semen knocked up Ashlee. However, Ashlee wants to keep the fun and games going. She talked about the rumors during a taping of MTV's TRL today.

Ass dodged the pregnancy question and said that if all the rumors about her were true she "would have had a baby by now." How do we know she hasn't had a baby by now? I always thought Jessica's baby girl, Daisy, sort of looked like Ashlee. Daisy has Ashlee's original nose.

All this "is she or isn't she" pregnant crap is Papa Joe's doing. He saw how much attention Beyonce was getting for her "maybe wedding," so he decided to produce his own version with lame results.

Here's Ass, Jess, Daisy and Tina Simpson at JFK yesterday. Daisy, I know you're Ass' secret love child! Bark twice if I'm right.

UPDATE: Asshole denied she was knocked up to Life & Style. They asked her if the rumors were true and she said "NO!" A source also told the magazine that Ass would never get knocked up before marriage, because her daddy is so religious. The source said, “Because she’s so religious, she’d definitely want to be married before bringing a child into the world.” Religious my ass lips! God doesn't like lip-synchers.

Pete Wentz tore himself away from the flat iron to deny the rumors that Ashlee is knocked up. Pete wrote this e-mail to MTV today:

"There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me. I can't wait for the story about how I'm really in a gay relationship and this is all just a cover. ... I mean really, this is crazy. ... I mean we're engaged, that's true, and happy about it."

I told you they didn't have sex! InTouch is totally working on the "Pete Wentz in gay relationship" cover for next week. They can use the picture above. I mean, they make a pretty gay couple.

Papa Joe was totally holding a rifle to Pete's head while he was writing that denial.

UsWeekly claims Ashlee Simpson is knocked up! Their "source" confirms that she's expecting a baby with Pete Wentz. The two announced their engagement recently.

You need to have sex in order to get pregnant! These two just lay in bed giggling and drawing black hearts on each other's thighs. They might get into heavy petting, but that's about it.

If Ashlee is knocked up, she's going to give birth to black eyeliner. It will have its father's eyes and its mother's personality.

You know that after Jessica Simpson heard this news, she started frantically poking holes in condoms and replacing her birth control pills with Tic-Tacs. Jessica will not be outdone!

Stephanie Tanner is a mom! It seems like it was just yesterday when she was driving the family car into the kitchen and now she's a mother. Fuck, I'm elderly.

Jodie Sweetin gave birth to a baby girl yesterday reports People. Jodie and her husband, Cody Herpes...I mean Herpin, have named the 8 lbs. 7 oz baby, Zoie.

ZOIE?! ZOWIE! Here we fucking go again. Leave it to Stephanie Tanner to add a vowel to a perfectly fine name. It should be Zoe, not ZOIE! The extra "i" does not make it sound fancier. She should have named her "Duckface" in honor of Walter, Steph's secret boyfriend from "Full House."

Hopefully, the Olsens will be Zowie Herpes' godmothers. They can all share clothes!