Knocked Up

Here's Jude Law's baby momma of the month, Samantha Burke, in an exclusive pregnant bikini spread for Photobucket. Hey, what else is she supposed to do when even The Globe won't take her calls and someone keeps flagging her Craigslist "LOOK AT ME" ad? A famewhore has to whore herself out any way she can!

TMZ somehow came across (*cough*SamBu sent them the link*cough*) a Photobucket account containing a bunch of pictures of Samantha documenting the growth of her money fetus while wearing sessy bikinis and lingerie. Bitch is working that bump like she really wants to make it into your MySpace Top 8! You can tell she's a pro. Look at how she's posing with that window shade cord! Chicken Cutlets has some competition!

.....that JHud is knocked up with Punk's babeh? Or maybe Usher has the power to impregnate with his hands? This would explain how Tameka Foster got pregnant.....twice!

Here's JHud and Usher backstage at Michael Jackson's memorial this afternoon.

Image: Getty

Jennifer Hudson will have to start getting her friends to sign a damn confidentiality agreement, because one of them has spilled the fetus juice to the Chicago Times. One of JHud's close friends, Felicia Fields, said that she had a baby shower over the weekend.

Felicia, who I'm guessing was just erased from JHud's cell phone, chirped, “It was a baby shower, a quiet gathering of friends and mostly family. They’re really trying to keep it kind of quiet. It was a nice time that we had."

Just because she had a baby shower doesn't mean she's pregnant. I mean, I threw a fake baby shower once. Okay, it was mostly just us drinking vodka out of baby bottles, because we got bored of drinking booze out of regular cups. You have to switch things up every now and again.

If JHud is with child, the father is none other than New York's former ball licker Punk from I Love New York. Yeah, they better keep that baby away from Vh1. Knowing that your daddy used to "sword fight" with New York could scar a child.

Kelis and Nas are two people I never thought I'd see getting on the Chinatown bus to divorce town, but away they go! Kelis, the chick whose milkshake makes all the boys thirsty or something, has filed for divorce from Nas after about 3 years of being married. Kelis even has a baby friend simmering in her womb. It's due to be released into this cruel world in about 2 months.

In the papers, Kelis is asking for spousal and child support. Also, she wants joint legal and physical custody of their unborn baby.

Kelis states they have only been separated for around two weeks, so maybe this is one of those "If you don't raise the toilet seat when you piss, I'm divorcing your ass" things. He didn't raise the toilet seat, so she dropped the papers off to teach him a lesson. Or maybe he just creeped on another coochie and got caught. Yeah, probably that. All I know is that I will be pouring out a milkshake for them.

Source

For a while there it seemed like BABY!!! production has slowed down. I could freely walk the streets without feeling like a baby was going to terrorize me with its screeches or stare at me like it's ready to suffocate my face with its saliva, but once again I have to protect myself with a diaper over my head and a tub of baby wipes in my hand (wink to Terry Howard), because PROJECT: BABY WORLD TAKEOVER is in full swing. 39-year-old Ellen Pompeo and her husband, Chris Ivery, are having one of those greedy baby creatures!

Ellen's spokeswhore confirms the news to People.

The two met in a grocery store in 2003 and they got married in 2007. This is their first contribution to the BABY ARMY.

Ellen always seemed like such a flimsy little thing with the body of a 90-year-old abuelita who probably falls over after eating a macadamia nut, so bitch better bulk up for baby. IHOP in the morning, Claim Jumper in the afternoon and Chili's at night.

At this point, who knows if the hos at Grey's Anatomy are going to write this shit in or cover her baby zone with a potted plant or the fat head of a patient. I don't watch that wreck for reasons I'd rather not discuss (HEEEEIGGGGGL), so I don't know if that makes sense or not.

As for baby names, I'm thinking Dr. McBaby? Better yet, how about Heiglisastupidcunt Ivery. If Ellen names her baby that, I will worship her until the BABY ARMY finally buries us all in a mountain of caca-filled diapers.

I guess Seal's peen kissed Heidi Klum's rose (sorry), because she's got one of those baby things in her womb again! That's what sources close to the couple say anyway. According to E!, Heidi's baby has been cooking for around 4 months.

This baby friend will be her fourth child and her third with Seal. They already have two sons with reaaaaaaallly long names, 3-year-old Henry Günther Ademola Dashtu Samuel and 2-year-old Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel. Damn, my eyeballs are heaving and shit from reading those two hundred mile long names. Heidi's 4-year-old daughter with Italian money bags Flavio Briatore has a much shorter name, Helene Klum. Do you think Leni feels inadequate with such a short name?

The seventh season of Project Runway will start shooting this summer, so Heidi will be really fat in all of the episodes. Oh, I can't wait for the maternity challenge, because you know it's coming. I hope they make the contestants use diapers as fabric and OctoMommy can be a judge.

Anyway, congrats to these fuck fiends! Heidi should remember to save her baby's placenta for a little placentaschnitzel.

Here's Heidi with her kids in NYC yesterday.

This week alone I've read that St. Angie and her slave man have broken up, that slave man is talking to the Susan Boyle of America again and that St. Angie is going to buy a baby friend from the Philippines. Well, today comes a rumor from Star Magazine that St. Angie Jo has another chosen one growing in her holy womb! Actually, this rumor might be a fact because Star put it in caps, italics and dropped an explanation point after that. If you ask KANYE WEST, that means it is a FACT!

A "family insider" said Angie Jo is about two months knocked up with baby number seven, "She's thrilled. She said she knew she was pregnant before the test confirmed it!" But she kept the news from Brad, only telling him when he returned from a trip to New Orleans at the end of March." Of course she knew. She knows everything. God probably called Angie on her personal line and said, "You know what time it is."

Brangie's new baby might be a Band-Aid chosen one, because the two were stating to hate each other. Basically. The source said, "They'd been trying for another baby for months, but it was still a total shock when she found out. Brad and Angie have been fighting so much lately, it just didn't seem possible. It happened just in time, because things were getting pretty ugly between them."

Blah! Blah! Blah! You know, I bet Shiloh is sitting in her ivory tower and bitching to her imaginary friend about this shit! There was a time when she was the only messiah and now there's going to be four of them! Chosen ones are a dime a fucking dozen nowadays!

And after hearing this news, OctoMommy immediately stuffed her mouth with dozens of IVF needles. Did I say mouth? I meant vagina.

I haven't thought of Sarah Michelle Gellar or Freddie Prinze Jr. in forever, but when I read that they are having a BABY!!!, I immediately thought of the fuckery they did to Scoopy Doo! Speaking of shit that is best enjoyed with a bong (see below). Damn. Freddie should never attempt that hair again. He looked like he was one step closer to dethroning Scotland's #1 Male Barbie. Anyway, back to the baby at hand.

One of Sarah and Freddie's loud-mouthed friends told People that she's having a baby friend in the fall. The friend added, "They're very excited." At least they aren't "over the you know what," but just once I want to read, "It was a mistake. They aren't very happy about it."

Sarah, 31, and Freddie, 33, have been married for six long years. This is their first human creation together. When they first legally handcuffed themselves to each other, I didn't think it would last that long. I was one of those "I give it a quick minute" people. But they have proven me wrong! Because of this, I will watch House of Yes this weekend and pretend like Freddie gave a good performance.

If they have a girl, they have to name her Buffy. If they have a boy, they have to name him Spike. Those are their only choices. Actually, that's kind of cliche and boring. So if they have a boy, they have to name him Buffy. If they have a girl, they have to name her Spike. Yeah, that's better.

That was fast. Joel Madden wrote on Good Charlotte's website that Sad Clown Baby is going to be a big sister! And this means Nicole Richie is going to get so fucking fat! And by "so fucking fat," I mean more than 75lbs. Lard Ass Richie! Here's what Joel wrote:

What's better than winning an Oscar? I am so happy to tell everyone that Harlow is going to be a big sister! God has truly blessed my family. Hope your all feeling as good as i am right now.........

Better than an Oscar? Let me see. Oscars are gold-plated and shiny. They don't accidentally (or purposely) go pee times in your face. They don't interrupt your beauty sleep in the middle of the damn night with their moaning. And they don't squirt out poopy pea soup. Yeah, waaaay better.

Back in January, Kate Moss was photographed in Thailand looking like she was suffering from a little condition called knocked the fuck up. Some weren't sure if this was the case, since bitch was sucking on fags and downing beer. But this is The Moss we're talking about. Bitch can't breathe in oxygen unless it's laced with nicotine.

The other night, Kate left a restaurant in London, where I'm sure she enjoyed a plate of parsley, looking like she was definitely preggers. Yes, I used preggers to remind us all the grossness of that world. It sounds like something I spit up this morning.

The News of the World says Kate is indeed the Big P and is expecting her new baby's arrival in August. Since she's past 12-weeks, she's telling more and more friends. A source said, “She’s vowing to be an even better mum this time.” This time? Oh, yeah. She has another one of those kid things. I always forget about that. Usually when I see Kate, she has a ciggie in her hand, not a baby friend.

The father this time around is Jamie Hince, her Count Von Count-looking boyfriend. Damn. That baby is going to come out looking like this.

There's still a little piece of me that wishes maybe she's pregnant with Dreamboat Doherty's baby. It could happen. His spermies are just as wasted as him. They probably got distracted on the way to Kate's eggs. They hit up a few bars, crashed at a few crackhouses and eventually snuggled into her eggs years later. If the baby comes out with a "Property of the DH" stamp on its ass, we'll know Dreamy is the daddy!