Knocked Up

It's only been eight months since the reincarnation of Jesus was born and named after a Central Florida strip club, but Hollywood Life is saying that the makers of Creme de la Mer diaper cream and chinchilla bibs are getting ready for more orders, because Beyonce and Jay-Z are having another chosen child of the 1%. Beyonce went to a restaurant in the Washington Heights neighborhood of Manhattan a couple of nights ago and if you tilt your head, squint your eyes and try to imagine smelling the scent of sweat gathered under a first trimester baby pillow, you sort of see a bump there...but not really. Beyonce's probably just clenching her stomach to push out an after-dinner fart.

Some source also tells Media Takeout that Beyonce is about 3 months knocked up and will have her second kid sometime in the spring and will probably name it Thistle Hibiscus (the color blue and plants are so 2012). But Tina Knowles tells Access Hollywood that tabloid reporters shouldn't run to Tribeca to knock on every apartment door hoping to find a pregnant South American surrogate, because Beyonce's Tempur-Pedic baby pillows are still hanging in her closet and she's not pregnant, but "it’s gonna happen when it’s time, but not right now.”

Normally, I wouldn't trust one word coming out of Tina Knowles' mouth, because she promised eternal happiness to Ariel and we all know what happened there, but I believe her this time. If Beyonce was expecting another chosen one, she wouldn't make it be known by flashing a tiny bump at a restaurant in Washington Heights! Beyonce would stay hidden for months and then on the night of the presidential inauguration ball in January, she'd put on a Lady Liberty costume, sit on a giant bald eagle and wave as she's lowered onto the stage. As soon as her foot stepped onto the stage, she'd rip off her gown to unveil a giant bump with an American flag (but instead of stars, there'd be tiny Beyonce & Jay-Z heads on the blue part) painted on it. When Beyonce announces shit, Beyonce ANNOUNCES shit.

Although, Basement Baby went to an amfAR gala in Milan the other night and she did look like she was carrying a baby up in her afro....

Shakira announced on her Facebook page today that yes, she wrapped herself around Pique's torta peen and the two made a fetus together that is now living in her uterus, which looks exactly like the sparkly cave in the She-Wolf video. Shakira didn't say how long her fetus has been in there or if it should take some Dramamine pills so it doesn't get all dizzy in the head when she's chair spinning on The Voice, but she's knocked up enough to cancel a few appearances. Shakira had this to say and I'm also pasting the Spanish translation, because I'm GOOPY Paltrow and you're Apple Martin and you're only allowed to read pregnancy announcements in Spanish:

As some of you may know, Gerard and I are very happy awaiting the arrival of our first baby! At this time we have decided to give priority to this unique moment in our lives and postpone all the promotional activities planned over the next few days.

This means I will not be able to be a part of the iHeartRadio Music Festival, but I’m sure this weekend in Las Vegas will be spectacular and I will be closely following everything that happens there!

I’d like to thank Clear Channel and my fans for their constant love and understanding.

Big kiss!
And will see you very soon!
Shakira

——-

Como muchos de uds saben, Gerard y yo estamos muy felices esperando la llegada de nuestro primer bebé.

En esta ocasión hemos decidido darle prioridad a este momento único en nuestras vidas y es por esto que hemos decidido postergar las actividades promocionales de los próximos días.

Agradezco a mis fans por el cariño y la comprensión de siempre y estoy segura que este fin de semana en Las Vegas será espectacular, estaré siguiendo muy de cerca el concierto de iHeartRadio y todo lo que pase allí.

Un beso muy grande,
Nos vemos pronto!
Shakira

But will Shakira's breasts stay small and humble so we don't confuse them with mountains?! That's the only thing I want to know. Other than that, I'll be in the corner making a crib mobile for Shakira's kid using pictures of its daddy making hand love with another dude while trapped in a heart-shaped bubble of preciousness. Because nothing is more soothing than footballer-on-footballer love.

via UsWeekly

Spending five years of her life rubbing Vaseline on Hugh Hefner's chapped, dried powdered donut of a b-hole and spoon feeding him blended peaches while making choo choo noises will come in handy for 33-year-old Holly Madison (born name: Hollin Sue Cullen), because a fetus has moved into her baby-growing bag and she'll pop it out in March. Hef's ex-head colostomy bag changer tells UsWeekly that she and her 38-year-old piece of only 9 months, Pasquale Rotella, are having a kid together and when her baby is born, she'll be reminded about what her original face looked like. Holly, who's currently twerking her Tupperware titty bowls in the Las Vegas show Peepshow, said this about being knocked up:

"I've always wanted to be a mom. But I thought it would take longer! I've been lucky! No morning sickness, but I do get a little nauseous. It happens before my show, so I keep ginger ale backstage."

When Holly was with Hef, she'd wait in that long line of plastic blonde whores waiting to take a quick ride on his rigor mortis dick and she'd pray that may just maybe, his last living sperm would wake up from its coma, dust itself off and somehow make its way out of his earthworm peen and into her baby making area. So Holly's dreams of becoming somebody's mother are finally coming true! And at first, it might be weird for Holly to burp a bag of wrinkles without it groping her chichi balls, but she'll get used to it.

A little over 100 guests including Reese Witherspoon, Busy Phillips and Cameron Diaz (basically the bland blonde trifecta) all swooned with their ear holes when Drew Barrymore said "I do" in that drunk baby lisp of hers to her piece of over a year Will Kopelman at her fancy house in Montecito, CA (or as Drew calls it "Montathito") last night. People, who let us know that all EXCLUSIVO pictures of Drew's wedding will be in their next i$$ue, said that Drew got her ass married under a chuppah and a rabbi officiated the ceremony.

Designed by celebrity wedding planners Yifat Oren and and Stefanie Cove – who handled Reese Witherspoon's country chic nuptials last March – the intimate ceremony was "a classic, simple, very pretty, garden-inspired wedding," a source tells PEOPLE.

Classic and simple = BORING. What is the point of having a backyard wedding if you're not going to party it up? Since this is Drew's third marriage (never 4get Tom Green), she should've done it big. Drew should've been popping her pregnant pussy on top of a table as her guests threw dollar bills (which is like long grain white rice to the rich) at her.

UsWeekly says that Drew's something new was a "baby bump" (yes, we're still calling it a baby bump) and she accentuated it with a wedding dress by Chanel since her now father-in-law used to be the CEO of Chanel. I love weddings where the bride has a serious case of the BABIES!!! You haven't been to a wedding until you've been to one in a Catholic Church where an obviously knocked up bride is standing in front of a priest while wearing a virgin white gown from David's Bridal. The bride's abuelita muttering "ay" to herself during the ceremony will take you high, but the bride toasting to her new marriage with a plastic flute full of Mountain Dew at the reception will take you even higher. I mean, Mountain Dew is the Andre of sodie pop.

When this picture hit my screen, I thought it was a gigantic butt. The same goes for the picture on the left. The breed machine formerly known as Tori the Hutt announced on her website (via UsWeekly) today that right after she birthed out her 5-month-old daughter Hattie McWhateverthatchildssecondnameis, another fetus checked into her vacant womb. Tori just couldn't let her Donna Martin breathe for a second before letting Dean stick it in again. Tori said this about the fourth cast member of her reality shit show empire:

Dean, Liam, Stella, Hattie, and I are beyond thrilled to announce that another little McDermott is on the way! We feel truly blessed that another angel has found us.

Love,
Tori
xoxo

Tori Spelling's pussy stay looking like Donna Martin's drunk face. It's traumatized and not sure whether or not it wants to pass out or barf. Tori is obviously not thinking of her coochie, because it's bad enough that the poor thing has to look into the sleazy eye of Dean's dick all the time. Tori and Dean are also not thinking of us, because another baby means that there's another mouth to breastfeed, which means that Dean will obviously "accidentally" Tweet another picture of her (NSFW) naked post-feeding time tit.

Here's Reese Witherspoon leaving an eatin' place in Brentwood five days ago and this proves that a fetus has taken a lease out on her uterus for a few months, because pregnant women are the only kind of women in Hollywood who eat food in public and she's so desperate to cover up her baby growing area that she stole a memaw's gardening bag to do so. UsWeekly says that Reese and her husband of a year Jim Toth aren't ever going to announce their first BABY!!! together, so UsWeekly is doing it for them!

"Reese is right around 12 weeks. Reese and Jim have been trying to get pregnant. The timing is right. They're so happy!

Reese and Jim's adorable bundle of chin will be a brother or sister to her kids with Ryan Phillipe: 12-year-old Ava and 8-year-old Deacon.

Thanks to Jessica Simpson's wide open pie hole, I have come to expect that ALL celebrity mom types will spill every tiny little ass detail about their pregnancy. If Reese isn't going to ever talk about this to us, how will we know what her sex pregnancy orgasms are like or how she queefs every time her baby chin kicks her? I already feel cheated!

The rent is due on Kim Zolciak's new multi-million dollar mansion and so here she is proudly showing off her dollar sign fetus in this week's Life & Style. The wig-wearing Silicone whore walrus of The Real Trashwives of Atlanta birthed out her son Kroy Jagger ten months ago, but the AA batteries on her relevancy clock are almost drained, so she's pushing out another one while she can still collect a check from L&S. 33-year-old (HA!) Kim is four months pregnant and says that she and her husband Kroy Biermann completely planned this:

"Kroy and I are so excited. To decide we wanted to get pregnant again and have it happen so quickly was such a blessing.

People are going to be shocked, because nobody knows. I'm so excited that KJ will have a little buddy."

That means we're living in a world where a Kuntrashian, Snooki and Kim Zolciak are all carrying spawns at the same time. The celebrity money baby trifecta is complete and the world's power has shifted to the Illuminati. We're now asshole deep in the Fame Whore Age and it's only going to get darker. Don't believe me? Let me remind you of what happened the last time Kim was knocked up with a baby who is now being raised by nannies and reality show producers:

Not today. Not ever.

That is a look from a man who:

a) Knows his taste buds are officially destroyed after an air bomb from Jessica Simpson's ass landed on his tongue.

and

b: Is bracing himself for the possibility of getting knocked down by an explosion of BABIES!!!, Slutty Brownies and pregnant lady jizz.

Here's Jessica Simpson looking like an albino python in a yellow wig who swallowed a buffalo who swallowed a hippo who swallowed a pack of Giseles (the model, not the animal) who swallowed a dozen watering holes. Jessica has the entire Serengeti up in there. Even though Jessica is pregnant with the entire cast of The Lion King, I really have to hand it to her, and by "it" I mean a damn chair for her to sit her pregnant ass down! No, I really have to hand it to Jessica, because even though she's carrying 70 pounds of baby, she's still hitting the ho stroll hard by taking her bought bitch to the Panda Express to the stars Mr. Chow in Beverly Hills last night.

Jessica proves that just because you're a swollen ball of horniness doesn't mean you can't put on a jacket made from Pier 1 placemats to take your piece to a restaurant where you'll gross everyone out by winking at your man while telling him that you want his double stuffed egg roll in a bad way.

Thanks to Demi Moore showing off her naked pregnant ass on Vanity Fair in 1991 and the technological advances of Photoshop, any knocked up celebrity trick thinks she can flash all her nooks and crannies on the cover of a magazine. Case in point: here's Jessica Simpson recreating "the Demi" for Elle's April issue. Elle must have dulled all their Photoshop tools while touching this up, because Jessica's baby balloon in its current state would need 2 pages to show it in its complete glory. That's some "after the fold" shit. Either that, or this picture was taken at week 6 before a steady pregnancy diet of blended funnel cakes and Pop Tart burgers caused her ass to grow to the size of a whale's fart bubble.

Jessica tells Elle that she knew something in the womb was a baby when she suddenly didn't feel like boozing and biking:

“We were goin’ to have an all-day drinking binge. Gonna ride our bikes, hang out…do naughty things. But I started feeling this overwhelming guilt. Why would I feel guilt at the idea of going out and having cocktails with my friends?”

Speaking of booze, not guzzling down any has been the hardest part of her pregnancy:

“Givin’ up my Scotch? My Macallan 18? That was hard for me! … Though now, being pregnant, you crave other things. A big thing of water sounds great!”

That last part really made me queef out a happy queef on the inside, because now I know that there will be another human on this planet who says "A BIG THING OF WATER."

Jessica also said that she's having a girl and she will eat a bowl of raw vegetables to her death if her daughter turns out to be a butch bitch:

“Ah swear, ah will croak if she asks me for a pair of Nikes instead of Christian Louboutins! Eric is so athletic. We’re gonna have this ath-a-letic girl and I won’t even be able to take her shopping.”

Jessica has already come up with a name, and she says it's not a Pilot Inspektor kind of weird and it will make sense to people. With those clues, I'm thinking Jessica will go with: Dayzee Macallana Simpson or A BIG THING OF BABY Simpson.

And I've never noticed Jessica's innie belly button before. Or maybe she's really an outie and it ran up into her belly after watching Papa Joe slobber on set.

Not since Jessie Spano overdosed on meth pills has her insides been this EXCITED!!! about anything. Elizabeth Berkley told TMZ yesterday that sometime this summer she's going to thrust thrust thrust out her first baby with her artist husband Greg Lauren. Yes, Greg Lauren is the romance novel cover beauty in the picture above. The wind is always blowing in Greg's luscious mane, his eyes are always sparkling like he can see the sun setting in your eyes and it's always 5 o'clock on his beard area. Nomi chose well.

Nomi's mouth birthed out this block of cheese about her baby news:

"In life there are moments you cherish forever and this is one of them. We are so excited to share this moment and special news! The baby is due this summer"

If Nomi doesn't name her kid "Versacye," I will never forgive her. I will also never forgive her if she doesn't have a pool birth and get Kyle McLachlan to be her lamaze partner, so they can recreate the pool flopping scene from Showgirls. AKA the greatest scene in the history of fine cinema.