Knocked Up

This kind of shit was bound to happen on one of those Vh1 hooker shows. Ray-J has the honor of being the first bitch to possibly have knocked up one of the sluts of his reality show. And of course, it has to be the bitch with the tiger tattoo on her face. Does she realize that when she's 50 that tiger is going to look like a mangy alley cat? Her face to fuck up, I guess.

22-year-old Monica Leon, who goes by the name Danger on For the Love of Ray-J, has ran off and told the National Enquirer that she's 3-months pregnant with Ray-J's baby. What's even more special is that Monica claims they made a baby on the set of that tramp show. What a beautiful thing. The baby already has to deal with the shame of having a mommy with a permanent pussy on her face, but now it's going to grow up to find out it was conceived on rented sheets on a rented bed in a rented whore house. For the Love of Jay is the trashiest home movie ever.

Monica told the Enquirer, "There is no way the baby can be anyone's but Ray J's. I was locked in a mansion with him and 13 girls from October until the end of December. Toward the end of the first week of filming, we made love for the first time - and we slept together every night after that! I didn't want to fall for Ray J, but he was so charming it became impossible not to. I was in love with him, and as strange as it might sound, I think he loved me."

Made love?! That tiger on her face just gave her the side-eye. When a dude you've known for a week sticks his sideway peen in your puss without a rubber on and busts a load, that's not love, that's fucking grade A stupidity! If she didn't catch a baby, she would've caught the coochie cough!

And can someone get a camera crew to Whitney Houston's crack den when she finds out. That wig is going to hit the ceiling and every doodle bubble in her ass is going to burst.

But seriously, Vh1 could find a way to turn this into a show. For the Sake of a Child Support Check! Maury Povich would host, obviously.

This shit also doesn't mean it's Ray-J's kid. I mean, if Monica fucked him without a condom, she probably sat on a toilet seat without spraying it down with some Hazmat-approved spray cleaner. That means one of the other tricks in the house could've dropped a rogue jizz ball from her snatch onto the toilet seat and Monica's vag picked it up. HEY! I watch Forensic Files. Anything is possible.

M.I.A. doing the "contractions bounce" while performing at the Grammys last night almost made me go into fucking labor for her. I wanted to jump through the screen with a mini-mattress and follow her around just in case the baby dropped out of her pussy from all that bouncing around. The baby was probably all dizzy and shit.

At one point, I think I saw the baby's head sneak out, but it could've been the 4th glass of ghetto wine cooler (Chateau Diane & Mott's apple juice) talking. Even if the baby did slide out of her coochie, she probably would've grabbed the umbilical cord, twirled that shit like a lasso above her head and kept on going. Bitch is no joke. I mean, there very well could have been baby water all over the stage, because homegirl was due yesterday.

If you missed that shit, click here to see it. M.I.A.'s performance kind of reminds me of my cousin trying to "drop it like it's hot" during her wedding reception when she was 7-months pregnant. Seeing her hike up her wedding dress and shake that ass made me so proud.

Here's also a few pictures of M.I.A.'s acid trip maternity wear last night. I'm pretty sure she bought her outfits in the placemat and shower curtain aisles at Big Lots.

Kimora Lee Simmons is having a baby with that hot piece Djimon Hounsou, star of Janet Jackson's "Love Will Never Do (Without You)" video. Sorry, he was topless in that shit so in my eyes that's his best work yet. I should also mention his fine work in those Calvin Klein panty ads.

33-year-old Kimumu already has 2 daughters with Russell Simmons named Ming and Aoki. This baby will be Djimon's first. The two have been together for about 2 years or so.

When he first met her, Dijmon told bitches, "My first impression has always been the same, that she's a very beautiful lady, very capable and intelligent and smart with great family values. She's the least high-maintenance lady I've ever dated."

Who in the hell has he been dating? Only skanks that have been on Bridezillas?

Kimorasaurus probably threatened to eat him (and not in the sexy way) if he didn't say that shit. I hope Djimon has made peace with his gods, because Kimora's fury is going to hit fever pitch now that she's pregnant.

And she should also get an ultrasound on her chins and neck, because there might be a few babies growing in there.

Source: UsWeekly

The daughter of God and half-sister of Jesus, Celestia (aka Anne Heche), is knocked up with James Tupper's baby. It's their first child together. The crazy fauxmosexual already has a 6-year-old son named Homer with her ex-husband, Coley Laffoon.

Anne and James met on the set of Men in Trees when they were both still married. Sluts! Their spokesbitch issued this extremely wordy statement to People: "They are really thrilled."

Anne better name her kid God Jr. or Lil' Celestia. She won't, though. Since the kid will be Homer's sibling, she'll probably name it something predictable like Marge or Illiad.

P.S. - Anne got that dress at the Flavor of Love stoop sale. She forgot to read the label that clearly states the dress should only be worn by bitch's with plastic titty sacks.

Thomas Beatie, the Pregnant dude, is once again a pregnant dude! Barbara Walters dropped this shit on "The View" today. He's one fertile trannydude. The no-uterus in body jumped when Babwa said it.

Thomas barely popped out a baby girl named Susan this past June. In an interview with Babwa airing tomorrow night on ABC, Thomas and his wife Nancy told her they are going to have their second kid this June!

Above is Barbara announcing it this morning and they also showed a few clips from her interview with Pregnant Dude. I need to take him shopping, because he needs to give that shirt back to the 90s boy band member he took it from.

BABIES!! BABIES!!! Shit, I think I'm the only bitch on the planet who isn't fucking knocked up. I better shove a Cabbage Patch Doll up my ass, so that I can give birth to it. That way I won't feel like I'm missing out.

Every time I see Carnie Wilson's name, I immediately think of carne asada for some reason. Mmm...carne asada. Anyway, Carne Asada Wilson lost 50 pounds this year, but she's probably going to become a mega BBW again now that there's a hungry baby living in her body.

Carnie told OK! Magazine that she's expecting her second kid with husband Rob Bonfiglio in June. Yeah, she's like 2-months pregnant and already blabbing about it. She's also so excited that she can't keep her lips shut and offered up more information about how she found out, etc....

On how she found out: "I was making dinner, and I took a home-pregnancy test." Honey! We're having pork chops and pregnant piss for supper!

On how she told her husband: "I taped the pregnancy test to the front door and drew a picture of little stick figures of Daddy, Mommy, Lola and then a little tiny one." Honey! Why does the front door have piss on it?

On why she knew she was going to get pregnant after losing the weight: "I did, actually. We had sex before, during and after ovulation. I was really keeping track of it, and it worked. Also, my body is so healthy now. I think we might have conceived to “She’s Leaving Home” by The Beatles!" Damn! Don't hold anything back Carnie. Tell me what kind of shapes your sex juices made on the sheets.

On twins: "I can’t stop thinking about twins! My sister had twins; my grandmother was a twin and my grandmother’s aunt had twins. I had my first ultrasound and we only saw one sac, but it’s not confirmed that it’s not two because one could be hiding in back of the other."

This obviously means she's having twins. TWINS = Even More BABIES!!!! You know she got knocked up so she can go back to eating gallons of ice cream and cheese fries at midnight again. Shit, that's a really good reason to get pregnant. And didn't she have gastric bypass? I guess that band busted a long time ago.

Since we're sort-of on the subject of Wilson Phillips, where the hell is Wendy?! She was always my favorite, because they always pushed her to the side like a side of broccoli without the mayo. She was the original basement baby.

Scratch that. Denise Richards probably has a camera crew on staff. I just hope they get a nice big close-up on her face when she finds out about the news that Charlie Sheen and his wifey are expecting twins. Brooke's mother confirms to People that they are going to have twin prostitute tranny babies in April!

Brooke's mommy, Moira Fiore, said, “Obviously, I am floating on air.” Um...it's probably because of that fifth martini you had at lunch, Moira. Slow it down.

Moira went on to say, "Brooke has had all day morning sickness but is coming to the end of the first trimester so she hopefully will feel better soon. It has been rough for her."

Moire thinks they are having twin boys, but she isn't completely sure. Yeah, that fifth martini is fogging up her memory.

Charlie and Brooke are so predictably boooooring. Twins?! That's the best they could do? Everyone in Hollywood is having twins. It's time to step it up to triplets or at least conjoined twins.

As for possible names, I'm thinking Dennis and Richard.

Hah. Australia's NW Weekly reports that Jennifer Aniston's prayers have been answered and she's pregnant with a baby. A real-life baby! You go, Jen! And to think of all the people who laughed at you for freezing John Mayer's used condoms. It finally worked!

Friends tell the magazine that John Mayer and Jen are back together for the sake of their unborn baby! The friends also say she's pregnant and loving it. Maddox must be behind this prank.

If Jenny was knocked up, you know that bitch would have crashed the "Changeling" premiere with her ultrasounds and positive pregnancy test in hand! She would've run down the red carpet screaming, "TAKE THAT, MADDOX! SCORE ONE FOR THE CHIN!"

If it is true, that baby is going to pop out of Jenny and immediately file a request to be adopted by the Brangelina holy family.

VIA Just Jared

Lisa Bonet (see below) isn't the only ho making baby announcements this week. 53-year-old Kevin Costner's pepaw spermies successfully knocked up his trophy wife Christine Baumgartner. BABIES!!! And we were doing so well without all the new baby news.

Kevin's spokesbitch tells Star Magazine that she will pop out their second baby this Spring. The two are happy, blah...blah...blah.. I'm sure she's fucking thrilled. Money in the bank! A gold digger's job is never done.

Kevin and Christine already have a 1-year-old son together they named Cayden Wyatt Costner. He has three other kids with his first wife.

A friend of Kevin says life is fucking amazing for these two drips. "Kevin is really in a good place in his life and enjoys being a father and family man. They have an amazing house in Santa Barbara overlooking the ocean with lots of land to play with their growing family. Kevin is perfectly content, playing golf, eating delicious meals, drinking good wine with friends and being a dad!"

Are you still awake? I apologize for this boring post about two bores. I should have just put up a picture of a boiled zucchini. Maybe I can redeem myself with this video below. Skip to the 2:45 mark. That table is an honorary Hot Slut!

Thanks Edward

Lisa Bonet is knocked up again and she kept this one a secret for a while. Or maybe bitches just didn't give an eff.

Lisa tells People that she's seven months pregnant with her third baby. She says she doesn't know if she's having a baby boy or girl and she doesn't want to find out. "When my friends ask me, I say, 'I really don't know. I love the mystery and I trust the mystery about it. It adds a whole other component at the end."

This is her second child with that hot piece of buttered bacon Jason Momoa. They already have a 14-month-old daughter they call Lola.

The two have only been together 2 years. Damn. They got into the baby making business right away. I don't blame Denise Huxtable for jumping on that sex train so soon. They're probably all into hippie sex involving chanting, incense and meditating. That man is a walking orgasm. If he wanted to stick an incense stick in my ass, I'd bend over and chant, "Ommmmmmm."

Here's Jason in various states of toplessness. He was in "Baywatch," but I remember him from the amazing "North Shore." I don't know why that show failed. I mean, it had Shannen Doherty and a half-nekkid Jason Momoa in it. It sounded like a sure thing.