Knocked Up

Lisa Marie Presley left the Waverly Inn last night looking like she was about to deliver baby herself, just so she can use the umbilical cord to strangle the paps and her goofy ass husband. I don't know how grouchy ass Lisa Marie looks at her Caddyshack reject of a husband every single day without completely losing it.

Demi Moore, eat your fucking heart out. This is how it's done. Hot Pregnant Dude, real name Thomas Beatie, should have made the cover of Vanity Fair with this shot! The News of the World caught up with Hot Pregnant Dude and his power-lesbo wife, Nancy, at their home in Oregon. He's expected to pop out a baby girl in about 4 weeks. He said they have chosen a name, but they aren't revealing it just yet. You know they are going to name her Oprah.

34-year-old Thomas said they are already talking about having more kids. Thomas said, "So much so we might even have more children. We will just see what the experience is like with our daughter's arrival first and then give it some thought."

Visit TNOWT to see tons of more pics of nekkid ass Hot Pregnant Dude with Nancy and his birds.

Oh and the scar is from when he had his chichis removed.

(Image: Getty) Thanks Miranda

Wonky McValtrex having a baby is the final sign of the apocalypse. The Gods above would not do this to us. The world cannot end. I still haven't done the tango with Phoebe Price underneath a chicken cutlet canopy with Rojo Caliente playing the violin in the background.

Either Benji Madden has some super fatty jizz or Wonky is doing this on purpose for attention. It's probably both!

I know Asshole's the one carrying eyeliner baby, but Jessica looks like she's holding something too. That dress from the Angelina Jolie maternity collection isn't helping either. Seriously, Jess is the knocked up one and Ass is just pretending. Pete Wentz's vagina jizz can't make a baby! If Asshole's baby doesn't have a chin that sweeps the floor, we'll know who the real daddy and mommy is.

In other Ass news, UsWeekly reports that she's postponed her summer concer tour. Her rep said, "After careful consideration, Ashlee Simpson has decided to postpone her summer tour. She is committed to giving her fans the best show possible, and will be back better than ever and ready to rock in the future."

Summer concert tour? Papa Joe is delusional! Where the hell was she planning on playing? Mini-mall parking lots and middle school cafeterias? The dumb bitch couldn't sell out my bathroom. Besides, there's already enough stinky shit in there. Badum-ching!

Clay Gayken really does shake ovaries! Ugh. That made me sick. TMZ reports that Gayken is going to be mama je'e. More like a gaya je'e. Sources tell them that Gayken's best friend, 50-year-old Jaymes Foster, is knocked up with his spawn! She's the sister of David Foster and is also a music producer herself. She's produced several of Gayken's records and now she's producing his baby.

Jaymes is a divorcee with no kids. She's apparently due in August. She was artificially inseminated with Gayken's sperm and he plans to take an active role in the kid's life.

Great. This is going to make those 50-year-old Claymates in mom jeans even crazier. They are going to shake their ovaries at Gayken hoping he will impregnate their old asses.

Below is a picture of the two proud mommies.

It was rumored that Nicole Kidman was going to pose nude and knocked up for a magazine shoot shot by Patrick Demarchelier. Nicole has denied she's going to take it all off. Hmmm.... I wonder why? Is her pillow camera shy?

Nicky said, "'It's total nonsense. It was not that kind of a shoot. It's madness to think I did that or was even asked to do that. I'm just looking forward to having and caring for our baby."

They probably tried to shoot her nude, but the Photoshop and CGI technology needed to make it look real hasn't been invented yet.

Source

After all the stupid ass denials, Asshole and Pete confirmed on the website Friends Or Enemies that they are expecting a little baby. Looks like we might have a new contestant in the fugliest baby of the year contest!

These two dumb whores wrote:

"While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child. This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family."

SHOTGUN!

Are we sure Papa Joe ain't the daddy? I refuse to believe that these two twats actually do sex. Pete only sticks the tip in, gets nervous, pulls out and then starts giggling like a school girl. I don't even think Pete can produce semen!

People have been saying that Nicole Kidman's baby bump is barely noticeable. Well, Nicole decided to bring her bump out in full force at the Country Music Awards in Las Vegas last night. Nicky attended the awards show with her husband Keith Urban who still looks like he wrestled with a Sun-In bottle and lost.

While getting her picture taken, Nicky kept her hand around her bump to make it look bigger. I couldn't find many pictures of Nicole without her hands under her bump. If she cared so much about having a bigger bump, she should have asked Katie Holmes if she could borrow her pillow. Nicky is due in a couple of months.

She's not using botox, right? What the hell is she using to keep her skin so tight? She's probably stretching her face with clothespins every night.

Here's more pics of Nicole with Keith and Carrie Underwears last night.

Minnie Driver is slowly dropping hints on the identity of the father of her baby. Is she going to give us a prize for guessing correctly? Minnie told The Independent that he's English and "sort of in the same business." It's totally Danger Mouse.

Minnie doesn't know who the father is, now does she? She needs me to call up Maury and schedule an appointment. I'll do it as a thank you gift to her for giving me Circle of Friends.

Minnie denied that the father is Craig Zolezzi. That's a good thing, because her baby's last name would be Zolezzi. SO...LEZZZZZY.

6-months-pregnant Minnie plans to keep her baby daddy a mystery for as long as possible. "I want to shield the baby's dad as much as I can because it wasn't his choice to get roped into all this stuff." Haha. She doesn't know! It's okay, all major hos run into the same dilemma at least once in their life.

Here's Minnie walking to BBC studios in London the other day. Bitch needs to be walking into Maury's studios instead.

A girl can't have a pretzel with extra cheese without people speculating that she's knocked up. I mean this is Reese Witherspoon we're talking about. I haven't been to a sex education class in a long time, but don't you have to engage in intercourse in order to get pregnant? I doubt her tickle sessions with Jakey Poo lead to anything more. Well, it leads to them doing each other's hair and crank calling Jennifer Aniston. They call Aniston and say, "Hi honey. It's John. Will you marry me?" When Jenny says "yes," they cackle and hang up on her.

Here's Reese with pretzel bloat at the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer yesterday in DC.