Knocked Up

John Travolta must have shimmied his hips and jiggled his man chichis extra hard during the Scientology fertility ritual, because Star Magazine is saying that Kelly Preston has two adorable Xenulings growing in her womb. Kelly and John already confirmed that they are expecting, but they didn't say anything about her hatching twin boys.

A source claims that John's sperm thetans get stage fright when they see a real-life labia, so Kelly conceived through in vitro fertilization. The source added, “They were ecstatic when they thought they were having just one baby. Now that there will be two, they can barely contain their happiness!”

Well, John and Kelly better scream for joy while they can, because the Church of Mork calls for a silent birth. That's going to be interesting. John will have to bite onto one of Tommy Girl's butt plugs so he doesn't awake the theatans on his twin boys by screeching in excitement. John will freak out thinking about all the tap dance numbers he can choreograph for the three of them. I hope those boys like sequined sailor outfits.

And Suri better send the Travolta Twins a message telekinetically letting them know that John is their father, so they don't wail in terror after seeing his face for the first time.

Star Magazine is swearing that 47-year-old Kelly Preston is 3 months pregnant and the father is her husband John Travolta. Don't look at me. I don't know how it happened either, but I'm sure it involved Tommy Girl doing the Scientology fertility dance (aka the opening number to Xanadu) in a white feathered thong with L. Ron Hubbard's face on the crotch while Kirstie Alley ate Oreo Cakesters in the corner. Kiristie didn't have to be there, but she heard it was going to be catered so....

Anyway, we don't need to know the rest of the details. We don't need to board that spaceship. Speaking of spaceships...

The source tells Star that Kelly and John are over the you know what: "Kelly is about three months pregnant. Both she and John are absolutely over the moon — they knew in their hearts that the time was right for this to happen.”

John and Kelly probably LITERALLY went over the moon so that Xenu could high-five their asses and pass them a basket of barley water and bottles to last the baby at least 20 years. Suri Cruise will teach the Travolta baby how to pull off the "still drinking out of a bottle at the age 4" look.

The Travoltas have had a shit couple of years with their son dying last year, and then their dog friends passing away last week, so congratulations to them if this is true. Nanu nanu.

UPDATE: It's true. The Travolta family issued this statement of words to People:
"It’s impossible to keep a secret ... especially one as wonderful as this. We want to be the first to share this great news with everyone that we are expecting a new addition to our family.
Love, John, Kelly and Ella"

Grab a gold goblet, jump on your camel and ride towards the holy land (which is temporarily in Venice, Italy) and gather at the steps of the Church of Brangelina, because Star Magazine (via Hollywood Life) says the newest Fetus Christ is currently simmering in St. Angie's womb of wonder. And they must be right, because look at that bump! Or maybe she ate a garbanzo bean for lunch instead of her usual, a sandwich made out of her children's tears.

A source on the set of The Tourist tells Star that Angie must be knocked up for the fourth time around, because she's drinking grape juice instead of red wine and has asked the costumers to help her hide the evidence. A different source says that Angie has already told Brad and the child army. I'm sure Maddox was so thrilled he could fart after finding out that he had to train yet another brat how to properly wear all-black.

If this is true (which you know it isn't), how does Billy Goat Brad find the time? When he isn't cowering in fear of Angie, he's off secretly meeting Jennifer Aniston. What am I saying? Angie doesn't need to fuck on Brad to get pregnant. All she has to do is send her leechy vagina out in the middle of the night to feed on Brad's huevos and collect what she needs.

I leave you with pictures of one of the twin messiahs, Knox, with Brad's mama je'e on THAT BALCONY in Venice yesterday.

Nicole Forrester is the Atlanta stripper who claimed she was carrying on an affair with Fuggie Fug's husband Josh Duhamel. Josh denied away, but Nicole still stuck by her story. Since Tiger Woods' bus full of harems ran over Nicole's spotlight and everyone forgot about her ass, she had to do something to keep the dollars raining on her snatch. So Nicole is now telling friends that she's pregnant, and she's 95% sure Josh is the father. And I"m 100% sure that she's full of shit.

According to The National Enquirer, Nicole, who already has two kids, told her friends that she's three-and-a-half months pregnant. One of Nicole's friends added, "She said, 'I'm carrying a million dollar baby!'" But if it's not Josh's, she's carrying a welfare baby.

But Nicole is the Wile E. Coyote of whores, because she fucked herself in the ass by previously saying she only had safe sex with Josh. Fail Whore. Nicole gives all gold digging sluts a bad name. First of all, Nicole effed up by not secretly recording Josh in the act. Missed opportunity. Second of all, don't ever give too many details, because you never know when you're going to have to pull out the baby card in the near future. Rielle Hunter, come and collect this amateur to show her how it's really done.

It's the season of swollen everything, so I wouldn't be surprised if Anna Kournikova is knocked up with Enrique Iglesias' baby. Fertile cum is in the air! The New York Daily News claims that Anna didn't participate in the Malibu Triathlon last week, because she's got a 2-month-old fetus hanging out in her body.

Yes, they are still together after all these centuries. I know, I had to Google it for proof.

I know Enrique got his mole chewed off a while ago, but I hope his baby inherits it. Because let's be real, we need more mole babies.

VIA Showbiz Spy

About a month ago, Colin Farrell's Polish girlfriend, Alicja Bachleda-Curuś, was photographed strolling through an airport smuggling something in her womb area. Well, Colin Fertile has confirmed to UsWeekly that Alicia has come down with the BABIES!! and the child is his. This will be Colin's second baby friend. He already has a 5-year-old son with some model-type.

33-year-old Colin and 26-year-old Alicia only began dating earlier this year, so those hos worked fast. Seriously, whatever happened to freely fucking through the first year of your relationship without a baby interrupting the fun with their loud ass screams? Like I've said before, babies are buzz killers.

And Colin is going to wish he knocked up a chick with a shorter name when he writes her a child support check every month.

Here's Daddy Colin giving us those sessy drunk eyes at the Toronto International Film Festival this past weekend.

That giant oaf of a man Tom Brady burped out that his wife Gis Bundchen is currently housing a baby in her midlands section. Tom told ESPN (via People) that Gis will evict their baby sometime in December. This is Tom confirming the rumor from May about Gis being knocked up.

Tom said, "The women are the ones who have to do the work. We just have to be there to support them and so it'll be nice to do that." Well, be there to support them on every day but Sunday. Tom agreed to go to Lamaze classes with Gis, but told her, "No Sundays! It couldn't be harder than training camp, so I'll be prepared."

And Gis should get a lawyer to write up what her idea of "support" is, because methinks Tom's idea is very different. When Bridge Moynahan was knocked up, Tom supported her by riding Gis bareback. So, the more you know, Gis.....

Here's some pictures from last month of Gis bouncing around Boston while hiding her OMGSOHUGENORMOUS bump from the paps. It looks like she's carrying a fetus in her lips instead of in her belly area.

There's been a womb watch on Penny Cruz for a couple of months now. The rumors going around town (aka the internets) is that one of Javier Bardem's hunky sperm fish got down with one of Penny's ovaries creating a fetus tamale. All parties involved have kept their mouths shut about the subject. Some seem to think that the rumors are false, because she was photographed a couple of days ago smoking away at the Chateau Marmont.

At the premiere of her movie Broken Embraces at the Toronto International Film Festival last night, a reporter decided to ask Penny about the possible situation going on in her lady parts and she wasn't happy about it. According to People, Penny screamed, "That's your question?!" and then busted out of there.

So either: a) Penny does have the BABIES!! but doesn't feel like talking about it with strangers. b) Penny doesn't have the BABIES!! and isn't amused with hos thinking she's chunky in the belly area. c) Penny did have the BABIES!!!, but she doesn't anymore. Sad faces galore.

This is why you simply don't ask a trick if she's pregnant. I mean, whenever I'm sitting on the subway and see a possibly pregnant person standing up, I'm always afraid to offer up my seat. What if she's just fat and shanks me in the throat for assuming she's got a baby in there? Just keep your eyes down!

Here's Penny looking like she wrapped herself in a hospital bed sheet at her big premiere last night.

Last week, Christina Milian married something called The Dream (I still don't know) in an extravagant, over-the-top, expensive, dazzling (sarcasm) Las Vegas wedding. Well, it turns out these two lovebirds made it legal because Christina has come down with the BABIES!!!! Cut to my chola cousin saying, "Been there, done that, girl."

Although, a source-type is telling UsWeekly that they were going to get married anyway before finding out Christina's womb is occupied, "The pregnancy was a surprise, but they were getting married regardless."

Yeah, yeah, yeah, keep blowing pregnant farts in our eyes, we know why you got hitched. But that doesn't matter anymore. What really matters is what Christina and The Dream are going to name their new baby friend! These are the two that have the power to dethrone Sparrow James Midnight Madden as having the most ridiculous celebrity baby name of '09. I'm thinking "Dream Alittle The Dream."

Ellen Pompeo might be the new Bridget Moynahan/Mary Louise-Parker. You see, Star Magazine says that while Ellen currently is baking one of those baby loafs in her womb oven, her 41-year-old husband Chris Ivery is out getting loose with a teenager. So while Ellen is in Lamaze class, Chris is also practicing his heavy breathing while his peen is poking a teenager's vagina. Okay.

Chris' alleged mistress, 19-year-old Rachel Artz, said she met him back in May at the Boston-area restaurant she works at. Rachel said, "Yes, I had sexual relations with Chris. We were intimate several times." Sexual relations? Who the hell does Rachel think she is? Bill Clinton? Drop the proper-talk and speak like a real slut. You all fucked! Let's be real with each other.

A few sources added that Chris and Rachel did illegal sexy times at different hotels in Boston as well as his house on Martha's Vineyard. One source said, "Chris promised Rachel that he'd make her a star — that's his lure. Chris often took calls from Ellen in front of Rachel and talked about their baby-to-be. He didn't seem to like Ellen much when he talked about her. He made her seem like a diva."

While I'm not saying I don't believe this mess, I will say that Rachel needs to come harder (not like that). I'm going to need pictures, videos, measurements, DNA samples, etc... etc...

Any ole' crazy slut can run down the street screaming, "I FUCKED ANDERSON COOPER" (Yeah, that was me), so Rachel is going to need to hand over a brightly-lit color picture of Chris' fully erect peen for us to believe her.