Michael Jackson

Merry Christmas, here's a chillingly accurate reminder of your dead son. Mrs. Jackson has always struck me a kindly old woman trying to stay a kindly old woman whilst surrounded by various crazies (Detective LaToya) and assholes (her husband, Detective LaToya). She probably gives stellar hugs, you know? Sure, she'll pose with someone representing what is surely one of her most painful memories if you want her to. She'd probably pose with a Dr. Conrad Murray impersonator wielding a syringe if it keeps the peace and lets her get back to her stories.

Just a few days after Michael Jackson's death, Detective La Toya slipped on her monocle, crept through shadows and vowed to catch and bring to justice the murderer who killed her precious brother! Cut to today, a jury just found Dr. Conrad Murray guilty of involuntary manslaughter. Dr. Con will have to sit in a cell until he's sentenced on the 29th.

La Toya always gets her man. Watson (aka Blanket), get Detective La Toya's pipe ready, because she will be taking a few victory puffs when she gets home. RELEASE THE DOVES!

David Gest really needs to keep his bestiality fantasies involving Bubbles, Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson to himself, because the world doesn't want to know the SUCIONESS that slithers around in the gutters of his imagination. Okay, maybe we do, because if he did keep that mess to himself we'd never have this hilariously creepy story about a chimp's toe sucking fetish. This is what David Gest said during a Michael Jackson documentary that's supposed to air in the UK this October:

“Whitney was having dinner with Michael at his Neverland home when she accidentally dropped her knife under the table. While Michael was retrieving it for her, Whitney felt her toes being sucked. She moaned, ‘Michael, is that you? Don’t stop. That’s so sensual’. Yet Michael’s head popped up and her toes were still being sucked. It turned out it was Bubbles."

HAHAHAHA. David needs to show us the receipts or shut his second face, because this really reads like bad fan fiction. Like Whitney would ever use the word "sensual." Bitch isn't Courtney Stodden! Whitney would say something like "Ooooh, baby, suck the dirt out of that nail!" or "Get that jam like your tongue is peanut butter and we're trying to swirl up some Goobers!" or "When you're done there, baby, use that sweet suction cup mouth to suck out my doodie bubble, because I got a boatload with a stuck anchor."

Wait. Maybe that's why they call him BUBBLES?! Shit. Good. Night.

via The Mirror

A couple of days ago, Sweetas brought us the news that Aaron Carter opened his mouth on the face that meth built about his time with Michael Jackson, and what he said made the glass on Detective La Toya's monocle fog up and crack. Daphne Barak from OK! Magazine Australia alleged that Aaron told her the late Michael Jackson fed him wine and cocaine when he was 15. But wait, Aaron tells TMZ that he never claimed that MJ sedated his 15-year-old body with the bad shit and dropped a red wine waterfall down his froat.

"Nothing was said that was reported."

The Ghost of Justin Bieber's future pointed to a YouTube video of the interview where he doesn't mention anything about MJ feeding him coke. But Daphne stands by her story and still claims that Aaron told her "that Michael Jackson gave him alcohol and cocaine while he was 15. He also said that Michael invited him to sleep in his room, and when Aaron woke up at 5:00 AM, he found Michael on his bed."

This is absolutely ridiculous, offensive and is making me do the moonwalk towards Daphne's face so I can slap the wrong out of her! MJ never gave Aaron coke or wine. Why would MJ ever do such a thing? That's not only illegal, but it goes against ever fiber of MJ's moral being. How dare Daphne throw those hurtful accusations around! We all know that MJ only served Jesus Juice and the White Dust of Christ to minors. DUH!

Well, well, well-UH. Aaron Carter dropped a few bombs (and maybe some acid) on Michael Jackson in an interview with OK! magazine. In a candid interview, he comes clean (actually, I don't think you could ever come clean again, but I digress) about his time with the late pop icon. Apparently, they had a really close relationship, in which MJ gave him wine, the bad shit, and maybe more. Here are a couple of quotes from Aaron. Don't read into them (totally read into them).

"I never talked about it… This is the first time. I do… I miss Michael… I have spent such incredible times with him. I did things with him that nobody else did… But I was also troubled about what he did to me."

Me: What he did to me??? wtf??? Moving on...

"Yes, he gave me wine. I mean, I could have refused, but I was 15."

Ahem. Maybe Michael just had a European view of wine? More...

"He gave me cocaine. I felt weird about that and other stuff… We spoke afterwards, hours and hours, on the phone. I admired Michael, but his behaviour bothered me a lot. Then my mother called the police..."

UM. Other. Stuff. And then his mom called the popo. I'm sure it was all good clean wholesome fun! *side eyes MJ's ghost*

You know, I may be understanding Aaron Carter's um, "issues" a little bit better at this point. I'm not saying MJ did anything inappropriate, unless you call giving minors wine, coke, and "other stuff" inappropriate. I think I'm gonna go bathe in bleach now.

If you told me that Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando fled New York City in a rental car after 9/11 and made several pilgrimages to KFC, I'd beg you to stop hoarding the acid tabs and please put one on my tongue like Eucharist time at a rave so that I can see this vision for myself. And this is exactly what I'm saying to Sam Kashner, the Vanity Fair writer who told this story in an article for the magazine on Elizabeth Taylor's life. The geniuses at Next Media have already turned into a Taiwanese CGI short film for you to get high on.

On September 10th, 2011, Michael Jackson performed in a sold-out concert at Madison Square Garden. MJ originally wanted his friends Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando to sit on opposite sides of the stage like two Easter Island idols, but they decided against it. They sat in the audience instead. Cut to the next morning. After the attacks, MJ's friends from Saudi Arabia told him to get the fuck out of NYC because there would be more assaults in America. MJ grabbed Marlon and Elizabeth and the three tried to get a private plane to take them back to California, but the air space above the country was closed for business. Instead of taking a bus or a train or a solid gold chariot led by white Persian horses, the three got into a rental car and drove far away from NYC! The Hertz agent who rented them the car is still trembling under the counter wondering what the fuck just happened.

I'll let Sam Kashner lead you through the rest of this fuckery-laced acid trip:

A former employee of Michael Jackson’s says that Michael, like General Washington, led his entourage to a temporary safe haven in New Jersey, before the three superstars took to the open road. “They actually got as far as Ohio—all three of them, in a car they drove themselves!” he recalls. Brando allegedly annoyed his traveling companions by insisting on stopping at nearly every KFC and Burger King they passed along the highway. One can only imagine the shock their appearance caused at gas stations and rest stops across America.

But one of Elizabeth’s close friends and assistants, who asks to remain anonymous, insists that Elizabeth did not flee New York with her two companions. “Elizabeth stayed behind,” he insists, “where she went to a church to pray, and she went to an armory where people were who couldn’t get home or who’d stayed behind to look for the missing. She also went down to Ground Zero, where she met with first responders. Eventually, the airports opened and she flew home.” She may well have done some of those things, though no reports surfaced in the media of sightings of Elizabeth Taylor ministering to the frightened and wounded or showing up at Ground Zero.

The image of Marlon Brando NOM NOM NOM-ing on fried chicken skin in the passenger seat while Elizabeth Taylor pumps gas and Michael Jackson hovers over a Thomas Guide spread on the hood is one that I will bring up in my head whenever I need to flee from reality and fall into a fucked up hallucination. THE FUCK doesn't even begin... Even though this is most likely a work of fiction, it still needs to be made into a road trip comedy. Tyler Perry or Eddie Murphy can play all the roles.

My feelings about the work of beauty above are best expressed through this Detective La Toya GIF:

via ONTD & FourFour

MichaelJackson.com released a new song called "Breaking News" they say Michael Jackson recorded at a home studio in New Jersey back in 2007. The song will be on a new posthumous Michael Jackson album coming out later next month. Sony is swearing on their everything that it's Michael Jackson's voice on the song, but several members of the Jackson family including Katherine, La Toya, Prince and Paris think it's an impostor voice!

Listen and judge for yourself:

You know, it could be Michael Jackson. But then again it could be Bubbles yodeling into a voice changer or patched together clips from Justin Bieber's baby monitor. I don't know, but I do know that the song better be shaking in its notes, because Detective La Toya has got her magnifying glass pressed firmly against her iPod and she's about to crack this shit wide open!

via Towleroad

Joe Jackson was left out of Michael Jackson's will, but that doesn't mean he's going to put his forked tail between his legs and slither back into the mole hole to the underworld. Nope. Joe has found another way to fill his pimp purse with coins. CNN reports that Joe Jackson has filed a wrongful death lawsuit against Michael's former doctor Dr. Conrad Murray in federal court this afternoon. Joe thinks Dr. Con is responsible for his son's death and he wants him to pay up. Joe is seeking an unspecified amount for damages. Joe is telling the media that he's only suing to get justice for his son, but I'm pretty sure his horns were crossed under his hat when he said it.

The lawsuit states that Dr. Con didn't tell the EMTs and doctors trying to revive Michael what kinds of pain killers he gave him. Dr. Con kept his lips shut about how he filled Michael with propofol earlier in the day. The suit goes on to say that if the doctors knew this information they might have been able to save Michael.

Joe isn't stopping with Dr. Con either. Joe is also throwing lawsuits at two of the clinics where Dr. Con practiced for helping him cover up Michael's death. The lawsuit states: "Defendants conduct of attempting to conceal the multi-state supply of drugs and the use of their facilities in Texas and Nevada to obtain medications was an extreme departure from the standard of care."

Expect Joe to also sue the makers of propofol, the makers of the syringes used to inject MJ, the makers of plastic, the makers of needles, the makers of veins, the Sandman (for not sprinkling natural ZZZss on Michael Jackson) and any other bitch he can think of. Seriously, Bubbles better lawyer up, because it's only a matter of time before Joe tries to snatch a banana out of his claw. The pimp always has the last cackle.

Somebody needs to tie Joe Jackson's leash to a tree in the backyard and give him a neck bone to chew on, so he will stop barking and slobbering about Michael Jackson's death already. The geriatric hate child of Aughra and a dehydrated catfish is spilling some shit-covered bullshit to the News of the World about his wife Katherine and their son. Joe blames Katherine for Michael's death, because he knew their son was hooked on pills and he told her to go and save him. Joe would've done it himself but his switch was in the shop at the time.

In a videotaped interview with the NOTW, Joe says that he could barely look at Katherine after Michael's death, because he believes she could've pretended it.

Joe farted and he farted loud, "Katherine was weeping uncontrollably and highly upset. But I didn't give her a hug because I was MAD at her crying. I said, 'If you had listened to me Michael would be living now!' I kept thinking about the times I had stood in front of her saying something was wrong. I couldn't bottle up my feelings. Katherine didn't say a word - I had to get away from her. If she'd done what I asked, Michael would be here today. I am incensed with her. She could have made a difference.

I had begged her to go over and stay with him, but she insisted he needed his privacy and gave him the slack she thought he needed. A child will listen to his mother more than his father - and Michael was a mummy's boy. He listened to her. I still haven't been able to talk about it to her as she doesn't want to hear what I have to say. She is a shell of the woman she was. She has headaches, can't sleep and won't deal with these problems - like Michael she would rather run away."

So I guess Joe Jackson's Blu-Ray company isn't panning out and the allowance Katherine gives him isn't cutting it so now he has to tap dance for the tabloids in order to pay the car note on his jump-off's Buick. Okay, then.

It makes sense that the front of Joe's neck looks like the opening to Hell, because everything that comes out of his mouth hole sounds like it came out of Satan's ass first. Go to bed, Joe, and take Shannon Price with you.