Michael Jackson

Is it too soon for a reality talent show that is looking for a dancer that can move just like Michael Jackson? While we're all screaming "YES," Jermaine Jackson is nodding his Max Headroom head "NO," because he's going to judge one over in the UK. SANTO DIOS!

Later this year, Jermaine will be the main judge on the BBC show Move Like Michael Jackson. The six-episode show will feature dancers who can moonwalk and crotch grab just like the King of Pop. The melting caramel square said in a statement, "Michael was a superb dancer who inspired people across the world to master his moves and create their own unique routines....AND I NEED A CHECK." That last part was improv, just so you know.

The most shocking thing about all of this is that Joe Jackson's hand is not anywhere near it. I sniffed the story thoroughly and didn't smell Blu-Ray dust or bull dog snot, so Joe is definitely not involved.

And there's really no need for this reality show since we all know who has "Michael Jackson moves" like nobody else:

MICHAEL JACKSON PRAISED HITLER!!!! No not at all, but that's what The Sun is kind of poking at with their story about how MJ once said Hitler was a "genius orator" during a taped conversation with his so-called friend Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. Yes, a genius "orator." You know my mind is always vacationing in the gutter, but I'm not even going to give that one a side-eye. I wonder if he spit or swallow? I'M STOPPING.

In taped conversations between Rabbi Shmuley and MJ obtained by The Sun (aka Rabbi Shmuley sold it to them in the back alley at midnight), the King of Pop reportedly says, "Hitler was a genius orator. To make that many people turn and change and hate, he had to be a showman and he was."

When Rabbi Shmuley asked MJ if he thinks he could've changed Hitler, he responded, "Absolutely. I know I could." He insisted nobody was all evil, explaining: You have to help them, give them therapy, teach them that somewhere, something in their life went wrong."HEALING with a moonwalk! It works every time.

You know, Aubrey O'Day tried to say the same thing a while ago, but it came out sounding like this: queefburpfartqueefburpfart. And yes, I just used Aubrey's name and Michael Jackson's name in the same post. I should go back to bed.

And don't you worry, Detective La Toya is in Germany right now getting to the bottom OF THIS!

When the halfway-melted down Lego Man that is Jermaine Jackson announced the extravagant tribute concert to his brother Michael, he promised that the likes of Mary J. Blige, Chris Brown and Natalie Cole would perform. The only problem is that when all three of them were asked about the concert, they all pulled some "Never Heard Of It" shit. Without Mary, Chris or Natalie, the only confirmed performers for the concert was Sister Ledge. And let's be real, you can see them at your local county fair while chomping on some deep fried butter.

So, without any performers, it's no surprise that Jermaine has decided to postpone the show until June 2010. The concert was supposed to take place in Vienna on September 26th, but it's been moved to Wembley Stadium in London for 2010. Jermaine issued this statement:

"Many artists and performers who I have spoken to personally told me that it would be a great honor to be part of this memorial concert for my late brother - an artist who influenced the music world like virtually no other. However, due to the short time frame it was not possible for many of them to change their schedule so that they could be on stage in Vienna on September 26, therefore we decided, after careful consideration, to change the date of the tribute concert to June 2010 - just a few weeks before the first anniversary of his untimely death. Now we have 8 months to put this monumental show together and not just 8 weeks. Despite the short amount of time we would have been able to stage a great show, in keeping with Michael's high standards, but numerous stars were just not able to change their schedules to make a live appearance at the Vienna event possible."

Aw. Jermaine didn't have to do that! Who needs Mary, Chris or Natalie when you have Jermaine, La Toya and Joe (make sure to move your head to the side when you barf)!

I mean, Jermaine could've opened the show by performing "Smooth Criminal" as a geriatric California Raisin (no costume required). Then Joe could've recited his touching poem: "The World Lost A Superstar: An Ode To Blu-Ray Discs." And Claire Cruise could have...well....she could have just shown up, because the presence of her crazy ass would be worth the entire price of admission.

VIA BBC

When Detective La Toya dedicated her single "Home" to her brother she said that she wasn't going to do any press for it or make a music video. Weeeeeeeeeeeell, she didn't mean any of that, because here's a video for the song. Toy Toy made it for all of her fans (aka her plastic surgeon and me). The video can be downloaded at iTunes and all proceeds go to the Toy Toy Will Get To The Bottom of Everything Foundation. No, proceeds go to AIDS Project LA.

The video, which I'm pretty sure was directed by Olan Mills, shows a virginal Toy Toy reminiscing about her childhood while trolling around Mimi's "Always Be My Baby" set. It's a truly precious video, but I kept waiting for Joe Jackson to pop out from behind that tree with a switch in his hand.

VIA La Toya Experience (Thanks Ego)

Joe Jackson can stop trying to produce a remake of Home Alone starring Blanket Jackson, because Macaulay Culkin is not his biological father. Earlier today, The Sun wrote up an interesting fairy tale about how Macaulay donated sperm which was used to conceive Blanket. Side-eyes galore!

TMZ contacted Macaulay's rep who said this: "The inquiries are too preposterous for us to even acknowledge."

Yes, his rep used the word "preposterous." Yes, his rep might be Mary Poppins. Yes, spokeswhores should definitely use the word "preposterous" more often.

Here's your daily dose of Michael Jackson fanfiction courtesy of The Sun! They have it on good authority (aka the visions they saw after dropping acid while watching The Good Son) that Macaulay Culkin is Blanket Jackson's biological father. Even Claire Cruise has filed this under CRAAAAZY TALK.

A source said that 29-year-old Macaulay donated sperm which was used to create 7-year-old Blanket. The source went on to fart, "This isn't just chitter-chatter, even Culkin suspects he's Blanket's father. So many names have been mentioned as prospective dads, and this is probably the wackiest yet. But Jackson and Culkin were best friends. He was one of the few people Jackson really trusted and Mack never let him down. Really, Jackson idolised him - that's why he asked Mack to donate sperm. Deep down, I think he always wished Mack was his son. Creating Blanket was the next best thing."

Macaulay, who is godfather to two of Michael's children, has yet to comment on death of Michael Jackson. And of course, he wouldn't comment on this mess. Maybe he used it to wipe his ass after a serious bowel movement, but he didn't issue any statements about it.

I should've seen the Macaulay rumors from a million miles away. Expect to see this headline in the next edition of Weekly World News: EXCLUSIVE! Linus van Pelt is Blanket's true biological father! Actually, I'd believe that one.

The Los Angeles County's coroner's report on the death of Michael Jackson was just released and they officially ruled his death a homicide. There's La Toya giving you "I Told You So" eyes for the second time this week. We know, Toya. We Know.

They listed his cause of death as "acute propofol intoxication." This isn't all that shocking since it was already reported that Michael's private doctor, Dr. Con, gave him a shot of propofol on the day of his death after feeding him a bunch of other drugs.

The coroner also stated that in addition to propofal, Lorazepam was also responsible for his death. Other drugs found in his system were: midazolam, diazepam, lidocaine, and ephedrine.

The L.A. Times says that the full toxicology report isn't going to be released at this time, because the LAPD has put a security hold on it.

Also, People reports that two bags of the good shit were found by police at Michael's house shortly after he died. Michael never struck me as the stoner type. Debbie Rowe and Bubbles, yes. But not Michael.

This actually took longer than I expected, but here's one of the first "MICHAEL JACKSON IS STILL ALIVE" vidoes. KTLA posted this clip of "Michael Jackson" getting out of an L.A. Coroner's van. The person who uploaded the video to LiveLeak wrote this:

"This video shows that Michael was still alive after his dead body was transported to the Los Angeles Dept. of Coroner I checked the license plate number and it looks like the King of Pop is jumping out of the same van, his dead body has been in. I got the original video tape from a trustworthy source. I know him for years. And I am sure it´s real and Michael is alive."

It's obviously Michael. All the signs are there. I mean, he's wearing a white shirt and Michael wore white shirts...sometimes. He's also wearing black pants and I'm sure Michael wore black pants A LOT. I'm sure Michael was on his way to play a game of Chutes & Ladders with Elvis and Tupac.

But there's only one way to find out (you know where I'm going with this)! DETECTIVE LA TOYA, your job is not done! Pick up your magnifying glass and get to the bottom of this!

(Thanks Kristina)

Shit just got real. The L.A. County Coroner has ruled Michael Jackson's death a homicide. The L.A. Times reports that a search warrant filed in Houston states that after an autopsy was conducted, deadly amounts of of the anesthetic propofol were found in Michael's body. This means that Michael's doctor, Dr. Conrad Murray, will most likely face criminal charges.

Dr. Con had admitted to detectives that he gave Michael 50 milligrams of propofol every day. Dr. Con also said he was afraid Michael was starting to get addicted to the shit, so he tried to wean him off. Dr. Con?! More like Dr. Obvious!

Dr. Con lowered the dosage to 25 milligrams, but also mixed in a little lorazepam and midazolam.

On the morning of Michael's death, Dr. Con said he tried to get him to sleep without using propofol, so he gave him a valium at 1:30. When that didn't work, he gave him a shot of lorazepam thirty minutes later. And when that didn't work, he gave him a shot of midazolam thirty minutes after that. As the hours went by, Dr. Con kept feeding Michael various drugs, but nothing was working. At 10:40am, Michael demanded that Dr. Con give him a shot of propofol. Dr. Con gave in. After he gave him the propofol, he went to the bathroom. When he came back 2 minutes later, Michael was not breathing.

The cops found 8 bottles of propfol in Michael's home, but none of it traces back to Dr. Con. They aren't sure who purchased it or where. Other pills and vials found in Michael's house were prescribed by various doctors including Dr. Con, Dr. Arnold Klein and Dr. Allan Metzger.

All I can say is that...LA TOYA JACKSON WAS RIGHT!!! We should never ever doubt anything she says ever again! La Toya Jackson knows. Always.

If you're ever bored, just come back to this picture and try to count all the chins. That should keep you busy for a few hours. Anyisthatsharonglessinthatpicture, the buxom rosy-cheeked bear all the way to the left is claiming that he was Michael Jackson's gay lover and soulmate. File this under: Claire Cruise's new partner in fuckery.

The sessy bacon donut's (shout out to Top Chef) name is Jason Pfeiffer and he went on over to The Sun to spill his heart out to them. And let me tell you, it was a mess! The Sun's janitors are still mopping up the lard jelly off the floor. It's like your memaw's grease jar exploded! Sorry, I'm getting off track again. Let's just pucker our ears and listen to Jason's tale of love with the King of Pop.

Jason, who works for Dr. Arnie Klein, said the sparks started when Michael asked him for a ride one night, "I guess our first 'date' was in my car. We went for a drive and were talking and having fun, but Michael had his minders who were 'nosey' as Michael put it. We had to make sure we were not caught, and although the date was short as I had to take him home before anyone noticed, we had a great time. I thought nobody else knew, but have since discovered that others did surmise the truth. I've lost my soulmate. It's very hard to describe the loss I feel - but there is something that's empty in my heart."

Girl, your heart is empty, because you've been yapping for the past few seconds! Stop spewing out words and eat a snack (aka two dozen KFC Double Down Sandwiches)! Your heart will fill back up right away!

Okay, it sounds like in the span of one short car ride, Jason fell madly in love with Michael Jackson and declared him his soulmate. WHAAAA?! Was Michael Jackson covered in fried cheese, bits of chocolate-covered bacon, pie-filling and Bisquick batter, because that's the only way I can see Jason falling in love with him in the blink of an eye. GIRL STOP!