Michael Jackson

That's the only reasonable explanation I come up with as to why Papa Joe thinks it's a brilliant idea for his daughter Asshole Simpson to record an album of Michael Jackson covers. Page Six says that Asshole's pimp is giving her music career mouth-to-mouth (Papa Joe's chonies just filled up) by pitching the album to executives.

I have a feeling that Asshole's "boar with bad allergies getting butt fucked with a taser gun" voice singing "Thriller" would cause Michael Jackson to rise from the dead so that he could moonwalk all over her mouth hole! Maybe that's not such a bad thing after all.

Michael Jackson's dermatologist, Dr. Arnold Klein, has been tap dancing on the talk show circuit for the past few days and bitch is starting to trip up. There have been a million rumors floating around that Arnie is the bio-daddy of Michael's kids.

When asked about it by Good Morning America, Arnie said, "To the best of my knowledge, I am not the father." Last night on Larry King, Arnie once again said he didn't think he was their father. However, he admitted that he donated his sperm to a bank, but doesn't know if his baby batter (barf, wipe, barf, wipe, etc...) was ever used. Arnie went on to yap that he's willing to submit to a DNA test and he will collect checks from take care of Michael's children if he is their bio-father.

One theory going around is that Arnie and Debbie Rowe had an affair (picture two disabled pit bulls awkwardly licking each other's nutsacks) which produced Prince Michael and Paris. Arnie told Larry last night that he thinks Debbie should get custody of the kids, because Michael's mother is too old and Joe Jackson is crazy. Hey, Pot, I'd like to introduce you to Kettle!

The part that made my throat fart was when he said that we should all just leave the children alone. Slowly suck on your own advice, Arnie. After you do that, swing by Howard K. Stern's house, find a private place together and then stick your head up each other's asses. If you need some assistance in this, both Bubbles and Sugar Pie will help you.

After this picture was taken, a single drop fell from the sky and splashed on the lid of that chola beauty's McDonald's iced coffee (con leche). It was Michael Jackson shedding a tear from heaven, because he was so moved by these exquisite eyebrows. I'd like to think that Michael cared about eyebrows as much as I do. They're important!

(Thanks Yasmine)

Webcam chat at Ustream

Michael Jackson's Memorial is expected to begin within a few minutes, so you might as well grab the Fritos, the Kleenex and stop working. If your boss gives you lip, just call 911 and they will immediately be arrested for trying to keep you from watching this important intergalactic event. Livestream above.

Michael Jackson's family is currently making their way to Forest Lawn for his private service and every network is following their every move. After that, the family and Michael Jackson's body will make their way to the Staples Center for the memorial of all memorials (complete with elephants). TMZ says that the Swat Team will escort Michael's coffin to his memorial. I'm guessing that they will also escort Michael back to Forest Lawn to be buried later today.

Over 1 billion people are expected to watch the memorial on TV or the internets. MSNBC, CNN and TMZ all have a livestream. I think all of our brains have a livestream too, so if you close your eyes you can watch too.

The internet is really going to break today. It really is. It's been real. Then all of our TVs are going to blow up. Then the earth will crack in two. We'll all fall off and float through the galaxy for the rest of eternity.

Larry King and CNN thinks they have solved the greatest mystery of the century (next to "What is under Kim Zolciak's road kill wig?")! Last night, CNN devoted an entire segment to explaining the ghost of Michael Jackson at Neverland. They claim it was just the shadow of some crew member walking by a light. NO! CNN has to do better than that. How do they explain the spooooky music? Music like that only plays when there's a ghost around. Maybe it was the shadow of Michael Jackson's ghost? Ghosts have shadows (just drink the Kool Aid and go with me)!

Personally, I think CNN should investigate further. They should send Miko Brando back to Neverland to find out the real truth! Seriously, Miko Brando needs to be on TV full-time. There aren't enough hot pieces in Hawaiian shirts on TV.

The truth is, the ghost was probably just Scrappy Doo sitting on Scooby Doo's shoulders again. You know how those to play.

Tomorrow morning, the Staples Center in Los Angeles will be filled with thousands of people for Michael Jackson's memorial, but his bestest friend Elizabeth Taylor won't be there. Liz Twittered this afternoon that she didn't want to be a part of it. I loved that she used the word "whoopla." And I bet she says it the same way she says maaaaariage.

You know, it makes sense that Liz isn't going to show up. I think the memorial is more for the fans. It's bordering on a "public whoopla," but we'll see tomorrow. However, if there's a red carpet and Giuliana DePandasAss from E! is asking all the celebwhores who they are wearing, I'm throwing my TV out the window and sending Joe Jackson the bill!

The memorial will be televised on most major networks at 10am Pacific. So far, the list of performers and speakers include: Usher, Stevie Wonder, Mariah Carey, Jennifer Hudson, John Mayer, Rev. Al Sharpton, Shaheen Jafargholi (from Britain's Got Talent), Lionel Richie, Smokey Robinson and Brooke Shields.

The City of Stockton, CA needs to bottle their own water and sell it at bars across the world (preferably one near me), because it's obviously some potent shit! It's got hos seeing things with their own eyes! You see, a neighborhood in Stockton believes that the image of Michael Jackson is on that tree stump. They need more people.

The dude who owns the tree said Michael's image suddenly appeared on the tree stump the day he passed away. That weekend, crowds began to gather around the stump. One neighbor said, "Michael Jackson was an icon to us. To Stockton, Michael Jackson meant more to us than Jesus, to some people. I think they're both about even."

Michael visited Stockton 20 years ago after a school shooting.

Raise your hand if see Michael on that tree stump. If you're raising your hand, then I'm guessing a bong is in the other. Or your fifth cocktail of the day. I squinted my eyes and even look at this upside down. I still don't see Michael Jackson! I kind of see an evil bunny rabbit with abnormally long whiskers and no ears, but I don't see MJ.

Source VIA The Awl

The Ghost Hunters better stand by, because their assistance might be needed. Larry King's (who might be a ghost himself) TV crew was inside Neverland Ranch the other day when one of the cameras picked up something gliding (moonwalking, perhaps?) in front of a doorway. It could just be a shadow, a reflection or Joe Jackson looking for anything he could put on Ebay. It could also be the actual ghost of Michael Jackson! Ooooo Oooooo Ooooo.... I'll go with the latter, because the annoying "Scooby Doo" music tells me to.

VIA E! Online

Last night, Vadge opened the latest leg of her "Sticky & Sweet" tour at London's O2 Arena. This is the same joint where Michael Jackson was supposed to play a bunch of shows. Vadge honored MJ with a small tribute during her show.

In the tribute, one of her dancers dressed up as Michael Jackson and danced around while Vadge posed in the background. At the end, Vadge broke out her British ringmaster voice when she said, "Let's give it to one of the greatest entertainers the world has ever knooooown!"

I'll admit that when I heard Vadge was going to pay tribute to MJ in some way, I did get a little tingly. I thought Vadge would recreate her amazing performance of "Billie Jean" complete with her gorgeous 80s slutty wedding dress and dancers in white denim vests. Now THIS is a tribute: