Michael Jackson

AEG, the promoters for Michael Jackson's show in London, have released this 1-minute rehearsal that was taken just two days before his death. In the video, MJ is doing his thing to the song "They Don't Care About Us" in full costume and with fans. FANS! It's not a Michael Jackson performance unless there's WIND involved. A lot of it.

Also, there's more details on Michael's memorial and funeral. E! says he will be buried at Forest Lawn in the Hollywood Hills. The Jackson family says that there were never plans for a public viewing despite reports.

A public memorial will be held at the Staples Center this Tuesday at 10 in the morning. They still don't know if the memorial will be broadcasted on TV or the internet.

You know people are camping out right now! In fact, they should just close L.A. down completely, because it's going to be chaos upon chaos. My mom said that she's going to be sitting in traffic until September. I don't know how that's different from any other day, but okay....

Debbie is binding down her titties down, putting on her gloves is ready to fight a bitch for the custody of Prince Michael and Paris. Or as Debbie probably calls them: "Checking and Savings Account." Let's be really real.

According to NBCLA, Debbie told them in a 90-minute telephone interview that she wants "her children." Debbie said she's willing to do whatever it takes including submitting to a DNA test. Debbie also wants to get a restraining order against Joe Jackson to keep him away from the kids.

In Michael Jackson's will, he named his mama je'e' as his children's legal guardian. Diana Ross was named as a back-up. Michael also clearly stated that he didn't want to leave Debbie Rowe a cent.

Maybe I'm being overly harsh (proof that the world is still spinning), but Debbie already cashed that check a while ago. I would understand if she just wanted to take them to Chuck E. Cheese every now and again to get know them better. Really, I don't know what to think. It's a shitty situation all around. On one hand, Debbie is crazy. On the other hand, Joe Jackson is crazy too. Sending the kids to Florida to be raised by Bubbles is looking like the best option.....

On Mah Boo 360 last night, Andy sent a reporter to Florida for an *EXCLUSIVE* interview with the legendary Bubbles. Bubbles is now retired from the showbiz life and his caretaker says he spends his time listening to soothing flute music and playing with his lovah Sam. Bubbles does all of this while being completely nekkid! I guess that's how most of us are going to spend our later years: in a cage, naked and nibbling on half-bananas.

You know Bubbles got the sads in his heart, because he wanted Mah Boo to feed him a cucumber and not some other dude. You and me both, Bubbles. You and me both. My Slap Chop has been waiting for Mah Boo's cucumber for YEARS.

The will of Michael Jackson was filed in Los Angeles today and TMZ got a hold of it. As expected, MJ named his mother Katherine as legal guardian of Prince Michael, Blanket and Paris. If Katherine wasn't able to care for the kids for any reason, he wanted Miss Diana Ross to be their guardian.

Yeah, I didn't see that one coming. Joe Jackson is totally rubbing his palms together, because his dream of The Jackson 3 is getting closer.....

The will also states Michael's estate is worth $500 million. Everything has been left to the Michael Jackson Family Trust. The co-executors of the trust are John Branca (his lawyer), John McCain (former presidential candidate) and Barry Siegel (his accountant) NO! Not John McCain. I'm telling dumb jokes. John McCLAIN who is a music executive is one of the executors. I thought I'd give your eyeballs a jump.

The details of the trust are not public, but apparently the money goes to Katherine, his kids and various charities.

And in more Michael news, KTLA says that he will not be buried at Neverland. There's currently a law that forbids burials on private property. Gov. Schwarzenegger is trying to help the family get around the law, but so far no dice. Also, the planned public viewing at Neverland on Friday or Saturday might not happen after all. Santa Barbara County officials have yet to confirm that it's happening.

By the way, I must have that sweater in the picture above. I'll be making my own version tonight using an old sweatshirt and metal push pins from Rite-Aid.

CNN says that Michael Jackson's body will go back home to Neverland on Thursday morning. There will be a public viewing on Friday and a private memorial service on Sunday at Neverland. It's not really know if Michael will be buried at Neverland. The Mayor of Gary, Indiana, Michael's hometown, has asked him family to bury him in their town. He said that Michael could be buried on the grounds of a new Jackson family museum and performing arts center. Translation: They want the tourist cash.

If you live near Neverland, you better beam yourself out of there now, because it's going to be lunacy. The tears from all his fans will flood the whole city, so if you stay, you better keep a kayak and some snorkel equipment handy. You also better get some ear plugs, because their wails will make your ear drums collapse.

When I first read about this, my skin crinkled at the thought of an open casket, but I don't know if they will go that far. Nothing surprises me anymore, though. Imagine all the MySpace and Facebook default pictures of sick hos posing with his body? I weep. Facebook needs to an install an "I Quit This Bitch" button for that reason alone!

And I better not see pictures of Joe Jackson selling tickets and souvenir brochures outside.....

Image: Reuters

This is TMZ: "Jackson/Rowe Not the Biological Parents!" This is UsWeekly: "Dermatologist Is Biological Dad of Michael Jackson's Children!" This is Me: "MAAAAAURY! SAVE US!"

Maybe I should wash the jizz residue out of my eyes, because I always thought Michael Jackson's kids kind of looked like him. Then again, I regularly grab whole wheat bread at the grocery store thinking its white bread.....

Well, some bitches are screaming that Prince Michael, Paris and Blanket aren't Michael's biological children.

TMZ is even saying that Debbie Rowe isn't their biological mother. A few sources told them that Debbie was the baby oven for Paris and Prince Michael, but her eggs were not used. The identity of the surrogate who carried Blanket is still unknown. The sources went on to yap that all three children were conceived in vitro and they don't know whether or not Michael knew the egg or sperm donors. And that's where UsWeekly comes in....

According to their source, Prince Michael and Paris' bio-father is dermatologist Arnold Klein. The source added, "He and Debbie signed an agreement saying they would never reveal the truth."

AND TMZ also claims that Michael never adopted any of his three kids, because he didn't think anybody would try to get custody.

AAAAAGGGHHH! Escandalo overload.

I know it's cliche as hell, but can all parties involved gather on Maury's stage to work this out before the headlines get crazier. Because I won't be surprised if I see a website with the headline: "DEBBIE ROWE REALLY A MAN! WORLD'S TRUE PREGNANT DUDE."

At a press conference with Al Sharpton today, Joe Jackson once again used the time to promote his stupid ass record company. Joe needs to stop, because he said that someone asked him about it last night. JOE, QUIT IT! Let the record show that CNN did not ask him about that foolery! And you know nobody else did. Maybe Joe needs to get his ears looked at, because I think he heard wrong. Somebody probably asked him, "Why do your eyebrows look like grape jelly?" and he heard, "Tell me about your dumb record company." Joe has Dyslexia of the ears.

Joe Jackson's Hour of Whoring The press conference wasn't a total wash, Joe did spew this LOLquote:

"He was loved in every country in the United States."

Clip below:

This weekend, The News of the World came out with an ASTONISHING and SHOCKING (their words) interview with Debbie Rowe where she revealed that Michael Jackson was not the biological father of his kids and that she didn't want custody. Well, that interview will soon be available in the fiction section of a Barnes & Nobles, because it was made of lies. That's what Debbie's lawyer is screaming anyway. He told Radar Online, "The interview did not occur. The article is a complete fabrication." Or maybe The News of the World's check bounced?

So just forget you read that entire interview! Glamour yourself so that the pristine and innocent image you have of Debbie Rowe can remain intact. Bubbles probably called NOTW all the way from Florida and pretended to be her ass. He never liked her.

In related news, Michael Jackson's mother Katherine has just been given temporary guardianship of his three children. She filed papers in L.A. this morning saying she is their paternal memaw and that they are living with her right now. Katharine is also asking for guardianship over the kids' estates.

There will be a petition hearing on August 3rd. August 3rd will also be the date that Joe Jackson debuts his new pop supergroup THE JACKSON 3 featuring Blanket, Paris and Prince Michael. You know it's true.

Here's a clip that will wash off the thin layer of skeeziness left by the grand master of whoring Joe Jackson (see below). Janet didn't walk the red carpet or promote anything, she simply just spoke from the heart before a tribute performance by Ne-Yo and Jamie Foxx (no comment on that one).

During an interview with CNN's Don Lemon on the red carpet of the BET Awards last night, Joe Jackson was nervously shuffling around like Amy Wino going through security at the airport. I know Joe Jackson isn't known for being a fluffy teddy bear filled with hugs and kisses, but dude wasn't even pretending to have the sads about his dead son. When Don said that this must be awful for the entire family, Joe said, "It has. The world lost the biggest star." What he meant by that is...."I just lost my favorite cash cow! MOOO!"

While watching this epic display of uncomfortableness, I wondered why Joe Jackson was even there. And then the answer came to me at the 3:20 mark. Joe actually plugged his new production company and some Blu-Ray Discs he's putting out. This is the most awkward infomercial ever!

I'm surprised Joe didn't go all out by saying, "And Michael Jackson will be buried in NIKE sneakers, because NIKE was his favorite brand. Just do it. Yesh, he loved NIKE. Also, my fondest memories of Michael Jackson is when he would call me on Sunday nights to tell me how delicious HOT POCKETS brand paninis are. Michael used to say how tender and flaky on the outside. HOT POCKETS, Michael Jackson's favorite microwaveable treat. Oh and Michael was also looking forward to seeing ICE AGE: DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS which hits theaters this Wednesday, July 1st.........."

Although, I will give Joe a half-clap for matching his eyebrows with his pocket square. I'll give him that.