Michael Jackson

Well, that was fast. Michael Jackson hasn't been buried yet and Debbie Rowe has already opened up her no-lips to the media. In an interview with the prestigious and well-respected News of the World, Debbie started by saying, "Where's my cashiers check?" Then she went on to say that Prince Michael and Paris are not her ex-husband's biological children. Debbie says the sperm came from a donor and not from MJ. Oh, Debbie, you should teach a master class in class and taste.

Debbie could never talk about any of this before, because she signed a confidentiality agreement before she skipped off with a large bag of MJ's money. But now that he's gone, let the famewhoring begin!

Debbie said, ""I was just the vessel. It wasn't Michael's sperm. Just like I stick the sperm up my horse, this is what they did to me. I was his thoroughbred." And this is the part where my brain vomits...

While she was pregnant with Prince Michael, MJ wanted to marry Debbie so they could look like a perfect family. They never sexed it up together or even kissed on the lips.

After Debbie gave birth to Paris, she learned that she could never have kids again, "The delivery was so hard. My insides were all torn up and I was barren. When he knew I couldn't have any more babies he didn't want anything to do with me."

MJ reportedly bought her a house and gave her millions of dollars to go away. Debbie says she will not fight for custody of Prince Michael or Paris, "I know I will never see them again. I was never cut out to be a mother - I was no good. I don't want these children in my life. My children are my animals now."

If any of this is true, you better believe that some dumb ho is going to crawl out of a roach motel and declare he's "the sperm donor" just so he can get a piece. On a very special Maury.....

Debbie isn't the only bitch spilling the Jesus Jesus. The London Times has a long ass suspect interview with Nanny Grace, who worked for MJ for years. In the interview, Nanny Grace claims she pumped Michael's stomach of drugs many times. She also says he was so broke that she had to buy balloons for Paris' birthday using her own money. I gave a side-eye to that last part. I mean, Nanny Grace also says the last time he paid her was in 2008, so where did she get this money for balloons?! Nanny Grace, try harder!

This is serious. The inmates at Cebu Prison in the Philippines became world famous after their awesome version of "Thriller" hit the internet a couple of years ago. After they heard about the death of Michael Jackson on Thursday, they immediately stopped doing each other in the shower room and started rehearsing for a tribute dance to him.

They practiced late into the night on Friday just so they could debut it today. Their asses even have costumes and props! This is big budget! This makes me wants to dress as a nun and join in.

One of the inmates told The Associated Press that Michael Jackson "inspired us, so we are all sad about his death."

VIA HuffPo

The L.A. County Coroner held a press conference today where he said that it will take 4-6 more weeks before they know the official cause of Michael Jackson's death. Michael's autopsy was completed, but they need to do more toxicology tests to know for sure. The Coroner also said that there were no signs of any external trauma to Michael's body and they don't suspect foul play. He did say that Michael was taking prescription pills, but he can't say for sure what he was taking until the tests come back. Also, Michael was pronounced dead by the doctors at the hospital.

Those are the facts for now. There are a million rumors running everywhere (google it, you dumb fuck) about what he was taking. MJ's old doctor, Deepak Chopra, told CNN that he heard a shot of Demerol caused him to go into cardiac arrest. The cops are also confirmed that they looking to speak to Michael Jackson's in-house doctor who tried to revive him before the paramedics arrived. The doctor dude is currently MIA.

So...four more weeks. Or more! Is there enough kitten videos on YouTube to get me through it? I think I've already seen them all. Every time I read some sad stuff, I look for another kitten video to watch. I'll have to move on to bunnies, puppies and ferrets. No, scratch that last one. I'll never go that far.

Elizabeth Taylor has issued a statement about the death of her bestest bestie. Sads.

"My heart ... my mind ... are broken. I loved Michael with all my soul and I can't imagine life without him. We had so much in common and we had such loving fun together. I was packing up my clothes to go to London for his opening when I heard the news. I still can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. It can't be so. He will live in my heart forever but it's not enough. My life feels so empty. I don't think anyone knew how much we loved each other. The purest most giving love I've ever known. Oh God! I'm going to miss him. I can't yet imagine life without him. But I guess with God's help ... I'll learn. I keep looking at the photo he gave me of himself, which says, 'To my true love Elizabeth, I love you forever.' And, I will love HIM forever."

Source

Michael Jackson's three kids (Prince Michael, Paris and Blanket) are currently being taken care of by his mother, but Debbie Rowe says she is the legal parent of two of them. Debbie gave birth to 12-year-old Prince Michael and 11-year-old Paris and can get legal custody of them if she wants to. People says that despite reports, she never gave up custody of them.

During her custody battle with Michael in 2005, Debbie told the court she wanted to give up all rights to the kids. Probably because Michael gave her some cash money to skip away and go do something else. At first, the judge granted Debbie's wishes, but then he changed his mind and gave her rights back. Debbie's lawyer told People, "She lost them, and then she got them back." Her lawyer went on to say that Debbie is a mess right now, so she hasn't made a decision.

The Jackson's family lawyer said that the kids should be raised by Michael's mother, but that it's really not up to her. He said, "Katherine is the logical choice – she has all the grandkids and nieces around her but it will be up to the courts. I wouldn't be surprised if there are more proceedings regarding the children."

All together now...What about Blanket?! Well, the identity of Blanket's mama je'e has never been revealed, so it's not really known who has legal custody of him.

I just hope this doesn't turn into some long ass custody battle. They should all get together and decide that LaToya should raise them. I only say that because I wish LaToya was raising me right now.

On Mah Boo 360 last night, The Silver Fox reminisced about the one time he met Michael Jackson at Studio 54. Mah Boo was 10 and he says he was with a "bunch of people." I'm guessing he was partying with his mommy Gloria Vanderbilt, Liza, Mick, Bianca and Jerry. You know, the regulars. While the adults snorted "flour and sugar," Mah Boo drank cold milk. I'm sure of it!

Mah Boo says he was impressed with MJ's skillz on the dancefloor, but never busted a move next to him. Why must Mah Boo lie?! You know he danced, danced, danced and danced some. He danced until the disco ball stopped spinning and the resident dealer yelled "LAST CALL!" Mah Boo can't ignore the glitter and we know this.

Also, when I was 10 I was playing with Play-Doh in the bath tub (I had issues). I'm totally jealous that when Mah Boo was 10, he was partying with Bianca Jagger.

TMZ reports that Michael Jackson is at UCLA Medical Center in Los Angeles right now after he suffered cardiac arrest. They say that someone called 911 from his home and requested an ambulance. While in the ambulance, paramedics gave him CPR.

Jacko is currently rehearsing for his big comeback show in London.

Joe Jackson told E! News that he knows his son is in the hospital, but doesn't have any details: "I am in Las Vegas but yes people in Los Angeles called me and are with Michael and tell me he was taken to the hospital. His mother is on her way to the hospital now to check in on him. I am not sure what's wrong. I am waiting to hear back from them."

UPDATE: E! News spoke to Joe Jackson again who said, "He had a heart attack. He is not OK." Apparently, Michael was not breathing when the call to 911 was made. When the paramedics arrived, they found someone giving him CPR. The paramedics continued to administer CPR on him in the ambulance while making their way to the hospital.

Not only is Jacko's face falling apart, but so is his ear! The Daily Mail points out that Jacko's ear can't take his fugness anymore, so it's slowly eating itself! No, apparently doctors butchered his ears for cartilage to save his wrecked nose. That means he's got an nose-ear on his face!

So now you know that the next time you need to tell Jacko a secret, whisper into his nose. Womp, womp. I'll see myself out.

Jacko and two of his children, Paris Michael and Prince Michael I, walked into a recording studio in Los Angeles (this sounds like the start of a joke) yesterday without their masks on (PUNCHLINE)! Before you ask yourself "Why is this happening? What does this mean? Is this real life?", I should tell you that it was all just an accident. They came out of the studio a couple of hours later with their masks securely on their faces. The masquerade party can go on! Unfortunately, my favorite Jacko child, Blanket, was not around. And he's only my favorite, because his name is Blanket. Blanket should consider changing his nickname to Snuggie since blankets are so out!

Did I toke too much this morning or does Prince Michael I have Jacko's original face? Sort of? Kind of? Maybe? It must be a Twilight Zone moment for Jacko every time he looks at his son and sees his first face. Scratch that. Jacko's whole life is a Twilight Zone moment.

Looks who's protecting Jacko.... It's Quween of the Scene! Noted and documented! And I think she's checking to make sure her own nose didn't quit her ass after gazing at Jacko's butchered mug.

Anyway, Jacko has sold out 50 shows over in London and that is not what the Kind of the Crypt signed up for. Jacko is so angry he could fart through his butt chin!

Jacko slithered out of a dance studio in Los Angeles the other told and told his fans that he doesn't know if he can go on with all 50 shows. Jacko said (read this in his "sweet memaw with the whispers" voice), "Thank you for your love and support, I want you guys to know I love you very much. I don't know how I'm going to do 50 shows. I'm not a big eater - I need to put some weight on. I'm really angry with them booking me up to do 50 shows. I only wanted to do 10, and take the tour around the world to other cities, not 50 in one place I went to bed knowing I sold 10 dates, and woke up to the news I was booked to do 50."

Jacko should've sucked on a bottle filled with Jesus Juice (with a dash of protein powder) and kept his precious vagina lips shut! If he's too fragile to thrust his bones, he could bring in a team of doppelgangers to perform in his place. Paging LaToya Jackson, Teri Hatcher, Lynne from The Real Housewives of Orange County and the female skeleton from my 7th grade science class! Your services are needed in London! Not one bitch would flinch. Truth.

VIA The Sun