Pamela Anderson

The glorious Canadian silicone leaf that is Pamela Anderson is no stranger to staring crazy dead in its crazy face and has felt the fear of one of her crazed fans trying to get close to her skinny Loch Ness Monster brows and her perfectly applied lip liner. Pam felt the fear earlier this year (THAT RHYMES!) when an insane stalker tried to get on her train (not that kind of train) but was quickly tackled by her security and thrown into one of PETA's cages. That crazed loon hasn't been heard from since and we should all just assume he was turned into a box of PETA Nuggets.

But crazy came back into Pamela's life recently when a fan of the loontardian variety lived out the classic children's story Crazylocks and the Old Whore by breaking into her house to sit in her chair, eat her porridge, sleep in her bed and even try on one of her Baywatch bathing suits. You know you're a nut bag bitch when you willingly press your bare vagina against a crotch patch in one of Pam's bathing suits without holding a syringe full of extra-strength antibiotics in one hand.

Pam tells Britain's OK! Magazine (via Starpulse) about her in-house stalker and lets hos know that you should periodically throw a smoke bomb into the vacant rooms of your house just in case a crazy is living in the closet:

"One (fan) snuck into my house, sliced their wrists and...ate all my bread. It's terrible but I'm serious! When the police took her, she was even wearing one of my Baywatch bathing suits. It was very scary, actually.

I was in my house with my children, alone, and this woman had gotten in and was there for a few days!... I kept noticing my bread going missing and that my jean jacket disappeared. But I was like: 'I'm going crazy because I have two babies, I'm forgetting everything.'

But this woman had been staying in the guest room for days. When the police came, she slit her wrists!... She didn't die. She just got deported."

Wait. An obsessive Pamela Anderson fan who is crazy enough to instill fear into the woman who conquered and tamed Tommy Lee's anaconda dick? That could only be one teenage porn iguana:

Deported my ass. Ruuuuuuun (and not that slow motion Baywatch run either), Pamela, ruuuuuuuuun!

It's Carnival time in Rio and everyone from Jude Law to Gisele Bundchen to Pamela Anderson to Tom Brady are partying until their puzzle piece hairlines fall off (in Jude's case) or until their faces fall off (in Gisele's case) or until their labias fall off (in Pammy's case) or until their ponytails fall off (in Tom's case).

Jude Law started things off by getting himself a mouth full of Brazilian TV hostess Hebe Carmengo in the VIP Box. I'm sorry to say, but Jude and Sienna never made this kind of heat when their lips touched. It's getting so hot that the hairs left on Jude's head are about to scurry down south to his chest where it's cooler. Hotter than if Charlie Sheen's flame throw-hands fisted Heat Miser in the middle of a volcano.

And then the face of Canadian beauty Pamela Anderson cooled things off when she glided into the room like a fresh Spring breeze jumping off the petals of a daisy. Pamela was there with a new piece and nearly threw beads made of UGH at the audience when her DIY dress nearly exposed her danger zone.

As for Gis and Tom, the things dudes will grow to get some chocha. That ponytail makes Tom look like Samantha Ronson's less attractive sister who is addicted to Pabst and male hormones.

The good news is that Pamela Anderson still has one fan. The bad news is that her one fan is crazier than a tongue on Mel Gibson's dick. The Sun reports that Pamela Anderson was almost as terrified as the time she walked in on a nekkid Kid Rock in broad daylight when a 21-year-old lunatic tried to board her train from Liverpool to London last night. The cops believe that it's the same insane dude who bought front row tickets to every single one of performances in the panto Aladdin.

Okay, this unfortunate incident could've been stopped before it happened. When you buy your second front row ticket to see Pamela Anderson play a whorey genie in Aladdin, the box office bitch should hand you a tiny plastic cup filled with the strongest sedative available on the market and two men in white coats should immediately drag you into the back of a padded van. Get that shit on the law books, UK!

A source tells The Sun that Pammy's security guards stopped the dude from getting on the train and immediately hollered for the cops. When the cops showed up, the Pamalunatic put up a fight which resulted in him getting a face full of pepper spray. It's too early in the year for making a dumb pepper spray joke about Pamela's cooch juices, so I'll save that one for the bitchier months of 2011.

Pamela's fan was arrested and she safely made her way back to London. And thankfully, Pamela's always exquisite eyebrow situation remained pristine.

It's a cheeseburger's horrific nightmare come to life! And a bottle of Jack Daniels' beautiful dream come to life! The Hoff was roasted (smelled like overmicrowaved Kraft singles, the urinal in a truck stop in Germany, burnt hair plugs and a bar back's bus tub) on Comedy Central last night, and they started things off outside by scaring the booze buzz out of everyone with this giant tribute to him made from one of Khloe Kardashian's suppositories.

Thankfully, that dark-sideness disappeared by the end of the night so it's no longer around to haunt us. It's not known what happened to it, but Pamela Anderson was seen giving it the eye. I mean, it does have the face of a dildo, so you can't blame her.

Here's pictures of everyone who came out to light a flame under The Hoff's asshole last night. In order: The Hoff, the always naturally fresh Pamela Anderson, Traci Bingham, Nicole Eggert, Hayley Hasselhoff, four anuses in a row, Jeremy Jackson and George Hamilton.

Oh, you can always count on Pamela Anderson to sprinkle a little of her natural grace and beauty on your day. Pamela was gracious enough to attend some store opening in West Hollywood last night even though it looks like she just had an orgy in a giant cement mixer set to high. If you asked her how many fingers you were holding up, she probably would've shrugged and then fucked 'em. This is some "broke off, dozed off" shit dipped in bronzer bought at The Dollar Tree and dried under a heat lamp. Let's hope we're all stumbling around like this mess later tonight.

Thanks to professional shame walker, Kiely Williams, for that headline. Here's the always pristine Pamela Anderson leaving a club in Hollywood early this morning to rush home to make her kids sandwiches for school. Pamela looked like she was drunker than a damn tequila worm.

You can tell that bitch is trying hard to keep the drunk barfs from slithering up her froat. She is not going to let the drunk barfs exit through her mouth hole, so they had to regroup and find another way out, which explains why she's looking a little vommy in the nip area. Pamela, just throw a maxi-pad over your nips before you hit the clubs so this never happens again. I got you.

Everything about these pictures scream: LAST CALL! But really, it's nothing new. During every fashion week from here to Bakersfield, the free clinic messiah rises from a puddle of 100 proof vomit and closes Richie Rich's fashion show. Because nothing makes people run for the exit like Pamela Anderson's vag. Seriously, Pamela should rent our her services. When you've got a party guest (aka one of your cousins) who just can't take a hint, bring Pamela's vag out and he'll scatter faster than a hooker running from the po po's siren.

Here's more of Pammy looking like the janitor just woke her up with his broom. Terrell Owens also walked during the show last night, and we're going to need a few mammalogists to tell us what kind of creature is on his head.

It seems like it was just yesterday (it was practically yesterday) that Pamela Anderson was signing bottles of her perfume Malibu at Rite-Aid in Pennsylvania. So far that is the most glamorous event of 2010! But apparently, Rite-Aid isn't good enough for Pamela anymore, because she's now signing at SEARS! Well, smell HER! Actually.....don't, because I'm pretty sure the surgeon general issued a warning against that.

So if you happen to be getting an oil and filter change at any of these Sears, simply head on over to the perfume department, put on your Hazmat suit and present your receipt and perfume bottle to Pam. After she inspects it closely and punches a hole in it, she'll gladly sign it for you with a smile!

(Thanks to Tracy who wants everyone to know that she gets e-mails from Sears and will be first in line on Saturday)

Just when I was about to cover last night's SAG Awards, I came across these amazing pictures of Pamela Anderson promoting her fragrance Malibu at a Rite-Aid in Ardmore, Pennyslvania. DING! DING! DING! We have a winner for the most glamorous event held on January 23, 2010! This picture should accompany the definition of the word "glamour" in Webster's Dictionary.

Do not throw any shade towards Pamela, because does Saks Fifth Avenue sell personal lubricants in addition to having its own pharmacy? I think not. I mean, wouldn't it just make your life if Pamela autographed your bottle of Valtrex?

Free clinics everywhere will be on high alert this weekend, because Pamela Anderson is back out on the prowl. Radar reports that Pammy's trailer park love affair with electrician/surfer Jamie Padgett has come to an end. The two had been bumping genital warts for the past year, but Pammy decided that her vagina needed something different to slurp on.

A source said, “Pam made it pretty clear she is no longer dating Jamie and that she was looking for a new love interest. She didn’t have anything bad to say about him and described him as a ‘sweet guy’ and that she hoped they would remain friends. Her ex-husband Tommy Lee was jealous of Jamie and Pam’s relationship and he had given their two sons Brandon and Dylan some surfing lessons.”

Jamie poked out of his CDC-ordered contamination tent and told Radar he didn't know if he was still with Pamela. Jamie said it was up to her.

Basically, Pamela used Jamie and she's done with him now that he's finished crossing her wires. We all know that Pamela is having trouble finishing the renovations on her house, so my guess is that she got Jamie to do electrical- work for her pro-BONE-o. All plumbers should beware, because Pammy is coming for them next.