Posh & Becks

Posh can walk to her car without toppling forward, because The Sun says she has had her enormous Ziploc titty bags removed.

This is apparently the third time Posh has tinkered with her chest area. In 1999, she took her natural 34A breasts to 34D. Two years later, she pumped them even more and took her breasts to a 34DD. A source said that Posh was sick of looking like she was produced at the Katie Price factory, so she went under the knife three weeks ago. Posh feels that her new shrunken chichis fit with her new image as classy fashion designer, mother of three and robot praying mantis.

It must be a relief for Becks, because now he can titty fuck her without breaking his boner. And I'm sure her old implants are more than happy at their new home, a bowling alley.

Outside of Selfridges in London today, David Beckham unveiled his new six-story tall billboard for Emporio Armani Chonies. Whoever organized this event made the mistake of letting David Beckham talk. I'm sorry, but hearing him say something like, "Pip pip! Here's my sexy new undercrackers billboard! You like?" in his Minnie Mouse voice breaks boners. And I know I'm the only ho looking at his face (I already scanned the peen area), but where are his eyez! Face without eyez! Did Posh get so hongray that she ate his eyeballs?! Possible. Speaking of Posh, it must have been a little weird for Becks to pose all sessy-like with that rope seeing as though it's still fatter than his wife.

Somebody opened the cage door, let Lily Allen out, attached her to a booze bong and then her fucking rip on footballers and their wives. Now this is the Lily Allen that makes my no-heart beat. The Lily who loves the bottles and loves to slaughter dumb whores with her words. Apparently, Lily talked shit about Posh and Cheryl Cole to some French football magazine called SoFoot (via Metro). YES, get those skanks, Lily:

On Posh & Becks: "The Beckhams are sickening. Everyone knows Victoria is a monster. I'd rather shoot myself between the eyes than be a WAG."

On Cheryl Cole: "She is just a bitch. She represents everything I hate. She is stupid, superficial and as ugly outside as inside."

On Chery's husband Ashley: "He is the worst, he disgusts me. He jumps on everything that moves. I am not criticizing just to criticize, but I have met him several times. He is revolting.”

On footballers in general: “It's ridiculous, I hate it. Footballers aren't there to show off in London, but to play football. Mind you, they are probably too stupid to understand that. Especially the English ones.”

This bitch! Now, I'm sure Posh has no idea who Lily Allen is. It's impossible for Posh to acknowledge chicks who eats more than 1 meal a month and weigh more than a 3-month-old fetus. Does not compute.

Lily is like that aunt. You know. That aunt. The one who comes to family gatherings talking about how she's not going to drink, because you know how she gets. And you DO, so you slip her a cranberry vodka and tell her you only put a drop of the good shit in it. An hour later, the ho is riding high on the drunk express and is letting the shit pour out of her like a backed-up toilet. She points at every ho in the room and says shit like, "That puta over will fuck anything! Don't shake her hand or you'll get diseased!" At one point, you have to escort her to the exit and say, "That was abuelita you were talking about."

Posh Beckham was at Macy's in NYC today to unveil this 20-foot tall picture that will terrorize the store. After looking at it, I'm thinking Posh has a lot of calls to return later today....

A starving marmoset called, it wants its face back.
Two wrecking cranes called, they want their steel balls back.
A science lab skeleton called, it wants its toroso back.
Double Trouble called, she wants her whipping tail back.
And finally, food called, its wondering when Posh is going to stop by for a visit. It misses her.

Kanye West has abandoned his CAPS-LOCK key and now Posh Beckham has left her ankle-murdering heels at home! Hold your favorite dildo close, because the end is near and you're going to need it wherever you're going (aka HELL).

Posh left Wembley in London yesterday looking like herself from the waist up and like Stepford Katie from the waist down. Posh even looks confused by that shit on her feet. It must feel kind of weird and lonely when you can't hear the screams of pain from your feet after every step you take. It must have taken a herd of elephants and two cranes a few hours to pull those sandals off of her, because her usually-tortured feet weren't about to let them go.

Empty out your weekend booze and morning after pill fund, because Posh needs our help! Yesterday she wore the exact same outfit she wore back in November. Sell your kids! If you don't have any, steal one and sell it, because Not-So-Posh can't be going broke! If there's only one rich cunt in this world, it has to be Posh! She can't become Po' Posh!

Look at her! She's even disgusted with herself. Okay, she always has that "I've got the hard shits" look on her face, but this time I'm really feeling it. How is the world letting this happen? It's not like she needs anymore for food. Seriously, the government needs to bail this bitch out.

Here's Posh looking like the spirit of Rosemary Woodhouse in the body of a ladyboy alien while shuffling through Heathrow yesterday.

Posh did this to herself! If the ho wasn't blinded by her own ridiculousness, she'd see the statue of her long-lost ancestor and sit far away from it! This is some Twilight Zone shit.

Here's Posh at Becks leaving some restaurant in Milan last night. If you stare at her dress long enough she'll either disappear or you'll have a fucking seizure. If the latter happens, take your shaky ass down to your lawyer's office and sue the ho! Attack with a deadly (fill in designer's name here).

At the Nina Ricci show in Paris yesterday, models carefully tried not to die as they walked down the runway in these platforms constructed by Satan's little helpers. The Cut says these stilts from hell added 11-inches to the models' height.

If these shoes added an 11-inch dick to my tailbone so that I could easily fuck myself, that still wouldn't be a good enough reason to wear this mess. I'm lying. Yes, it would, but that would be thee only reason!

What's with that random dangling heel? Is that some kind of weight to balance it, so that you don't plunge to your death? Because I'm pretty sure that would still happen without that little heel.

And do you hear that cracking sound? It's your ankles slowly breaking themselves to keep you from trying to work this fuckery.

Captain Asshole reporting for duty! THIS BITCH! I swear, I can no longer say Posh Beckham doesn't do shit, because while I'm sleeping the drunk off, this ho is down in her fashion dungeon painstakingly trying to match her grays. If only bitch would put this much effort into eating!

But seriously, this shit so hilarious that it's all kinds of right. I want to ride first-class on her plane to the land of ridiculous! How in Zack Mayo hell is Posh keeping a straight-face while wearing this fuckery? Please tell me that she changes into a Snuggie when she gets on the plane.

Draw a picture of a little hangman figure using a ball point pen and stick that shit next to Posh. This praying mantis alien probably makes your stick figure look like Jessica Simpson in diaper jeans after a chili cook-out. This bitch right here looks like my pinky's shadow!

I mean, damn! At least she'll never get locked out of anywhere, because bitch can slip under door cracks and shit. Although, one day Posh is going to walk into her shower and accidentally slip down the damn drain.

I would say this is some Morticia Addams shit, but the sleeve of Morticia's dress is even too big for this spork creature.

Here's Posh making Dita Von Teese, Eva Longwhoria and Kate Beckinsale looks like three fatty fatty bo batties at Elton John's Oscar party last night. Hopefully, Posh at least smelled some food so she can gain a calorie or two.