Posh & Becks

Do you think that Posh's feet weep anymore when they're stuffed into her stiletto torture devices? I think there's no more red tears for them to cry, so they have surrendered to her. You can feel their pain. They're wincing in agony. One day, they're going to quit that bitch and she's going to end up on her bony ass. I hope that day is coming soon and there's dozens of pappies around to document it.

Posh wore her heels fit for Naomi Campbell to dinner with her husband in London last night. Wearing those heels is just asking for a lawsuit. I would purposely run into that twig bitch so that her spiked heels could cut me up. The next time you would see me is on a commercial saying, "Larry. H Parker got me $2.1 million from Posh!"

And what about that bitch's hair? Why must she insist on looking like a twink bottom from the 90s?

Posh Beckham was in Madrid today wearing cocktail stirrer heels. Some gap-toothed motherfuckers could floss with that heel. Seriously. Only this skinny ass ho could get away with this shit. Bitches who weigh over 50 pounds would snap that heel in two after taking two steps. Posh might as well walk around on stilts.

This is not right. A big pile of fish sticks and the biggest one of them all is nowhere to be seen? If you're going to get a bitch to promote fish sticks, there's only ho you should ask. Those shady fish sticks lying on that plate are two-faced bitches. How dare they betray their queen. I feel bad for her.

Anyfishy, David Beckham was at Wembley Stadium in London today to promote a new line of healthier frozen shit called GO3. The shit is supposed to be good for you because it's made with omega-3 fish oil. The line will carry fried fish dicks, pasta and other crap.

I'm no health freak, nor do I pretend to be, but fish sticks aren't the healthiest thing around. Right? If they are, then I should eat more of those things, because they taste delicious. Shut the hell up! They do! Put a couple of fish sticks in a corn tortilla, nuke that shit, squeeze some mayo on it and you have yourself a delicious ghetto fish taco.

Here's more of Becks, his busted teeth and a bunch of kids at Wembley today. I also threw in some pictures of Fishsticks Paltrow looking weepy on the streets of London yesterday. She must know about the betrayal.

Eric and June Emmett, who worked as housekeepers for the Beckhams for over 10 years, were busted after they tried to sell some of their shit on eBay. Posh's parents found out about the scheme when they saw some of the family's special crap being auctioned off on the interwebs. Her parents shuttled over to Beckingham Palace and found the items missing. They called the police and the housekeepers were arrested. Their 25-year-old son was also taken in by the cops.

Eric and June pretty much had the Becks' palace to themselves while the family is living in Los Angeles. Posh flew in from L.A. on Sunday to see what else was missing from their house. A source told The Sun, “They are both very shaken. The idea someone has been rifling through their personal possessions is bad enough, but to think it is allegedly people they trusted so much is even more horrific.”

Of course a bitch is going to go through their shit. What do they expect? I'm not talking about the stealing part, but we would all snoop around. Shit. If I was their maid, that's all I would do. I'd put on Posh's old Spice Girl costumes and prance around the house doing the "Wannabe" moves. At night, I'd cuddle next to Becks' dirty man panties. When the Posh is away, the homo will play.

I'm talking about your fucking heels! Where are they? Her heels must be overworked, because she gave them the day off this past Friday in NYC. Posh Beckham wore these $6,000 Antonio Berardi PVC boots while hawking her fragrance with Becks at Macy's. $6k and they don't even have heels?! Bitch got ripped off!

These things make her look even more like a praying mantis alien. These boots are not made for walking, but they are made for gliding along the craters of Mars.

Obviously, my question is not directed at Posh Spice. She still looks like a hungry power bottom, but her black robe is fine. I'm talking about Marc Jacobs' purple velvet skirt and his gladiator mandals. I think he's wearing the tree skirt from Mariah Carey's purple fantasy-themed Christmas tree.

Don't tell me we're wearing skirts in public now. My walnuts would love to hang out in the open air, but I don't think my dignity could take it. Yeah, what dignity? Shut up! I fucking heard that.

And why didn't the paps get any upskirts of Marc?! I want to know what color panties he's wearing underneath that fugness.

Posh Beckham listened to my cries and pleas (not really) and finally chopped off that guinea pig mop that was sitting on her femalien head for so long! I'm sipping my Sanka while trying to decide what I think of it. It sort of looks like one of her boys cut her hair with his safety scissors. I'm expecting her to shout, "Second star to the right and straight on till morning!"

Now, let's take bets on how long it takes for Katie Holmes' to copy Posh's new twink bottom haircut. Synchronize your watches! I'm going to guess 30 days. It takes Stepford Katie a while to catch up. Her hardrive isn't the fastest.

Here's Posh looking even more like a twink robot alien at the Marc Jacobs show last night with JLo. Do you think Posh ever stops posing? Pose! Pose! Pose! I bet she poses while taking a poo.

Speaking of taking a poo, JLo needs to stop making "sultry faces." She looks like she's trying to pinch off a loaf. I swear, how can these bitches stand themselves?! Even Mango doesn't pose this much!

The time has come for Posh Beckham to bid farewell to that guinea pig mop sitting on her alien head. It came, it saw, it conquered. She needs to change it up and do something unexpected. I'm thinking afro puffs or possibly a spiral permed femullet. Now that shit would be hot. I'd even settle for a flat top.

Anyway, good ole' Posh threw a birthday party for her son Romeo at the Hard Rock Cafe in Universal City yesterday. It's obvious what her boys are dressed as, but what's Posh's costume? White Oprah's orange clit?

Ginger Spice, Heidi Klum and Gavin Rossdale also showed up to Romeo's party. Don't even say Posh and Heidi didn't dress right for a kid's birthday party. You would wear the same shit if all you had to do was sit there and boss the nannies around.

The angel pussy from China is not going to be happy that Posh Beckham jacked its signature look! Posh is going to an angry e-mail that says: "meow, meow, CUNT, meow, meow." Yes, pussies only know how to type the words "meow" and "cunt." Angel Pussy is going to fly over to England and scratch her eyes out.

Posh wore this angel pussy outfit while whoring out her fashion line in Manchester. Later that night, Posh left a restaurant with a bunch caca in her ear. Hopefully, she saved that ear junk for later. It would make a nutritious snack and bitch needs all the protein she can get. Although, it's probably just fake tan diarrhea. Bitch, fix yourself!

Becks is seriously too hot to have a voice that sounds like Gay Al screeching while getting his mini-donut tickled. You know the joke that if you kick a dude in his nuts, his voice gets like Minnie Mouse on helium? Do you think the opposite will happen to Becks? If we keep kicking his nuts, will he sound like Bea Arthur with a chest cold? Sexy.

Above is Becks grabbing his wang bone during some sort of sports event yesterday. He plays soccer or something, right? It doesn't matter. Bitch is always grabbing at that shit. You know Tommy Girl puts on a black leather catsuit, breaks into the locker room and puts itching powder in Becks shorts just so he can sit back and watch him scratch it.