Madonna

Vadge is hypnotizing A-Rod with some sort of kabbalalalalah voodoo spell. That's what A-Rod's buff ass wifey claims anyway. According to the NYDN, Cynthia Rodriguez has told her friends that Vadge is the reason why her marriage is in the shit box. Cynthia is currently shacking up at Lenny Kravitz's pad in Paris, because she doesn't want to deal with all the homo drama.

A friend of C-Hulk claims she found a letter from A-Rod to Vadge where he calls her "his true soulmate." Yeah, because both can probably bench press a Mormon family. C-Hulk reportedly told her friend, "I feel like Madonna is using mind control over him. I don't recognize the man he's become. He was a sweet, beautiful, loving husband and father. Today he's very cold and calculating." The Vadge strikes again! She definitely held A-Rod in her "vadge-choke-hold" and forced him to hand over his nuts to her. She did the same thing to Guy.

C-Hulk had a baby only 10 weeks ago. Her friend said that A-Rod was only with the baby for 10-minutes after she was born and then split for Vadge's tomb. 3 weeks later, he told his wifey that he was leaving her. Why didn't C-Hulk pick up a car and smash it on his head?! She's capable of it.

The friend went on to say, "Cynthia was so innocent. She thought he just respected [Madonna]...and said, 'I respected her too - her creativity and ability to reinvent herself. I never dreamed this 49-year-old woman was anything more than a friend."



There's only way to solve all of this. You know what I'm going to suggest, right? CAGE FIGHT! Imagine a Vadge and She-Hulk cage fight? That would be like Godzilla vs. King Kong! On second thought, Vadge and She-Hulk should team up and pummel the shit out of A-Rod.

This shit is getting out of control. These people need to keep their dicks in their leotards! With rumors going around that Vadge is eating A-Rod's pussy (she denies it), Radar claims that A-Rod's wife is doing it with Lenny Kravitz. Lenny reportedly did it with Vadge in the early 90s. SLUTS! All of them! A bunch of buff sluts! They probably do each other with barbells.

According to the NY Post, A-Rod's man-wife, Cynthia Rodriguez, is currently in Paris and has been seen at Lenny's house a few times. Cynthia barely popped out her second child with A-Rod in April. She left the kids at home in Florida while she went to wave her muscley vagina around Paris.

What the hell next? Guy Ritchie is going to be linked to Lisa Bonet? Naw, that bohemian bitch is too cool to get involved in this fuckery.

And there is way too much testosterone in this post. I need to bring down the levels with some good-old fashioned AQUA!

Guy Ritchie is totally bleeding internally from the death grip Vadge has on him. She's telling him, "Don't do anything stupid." The happy couple went out to dinner in NYC last night, holding claws while leaving and arriving at the restaurant. Obviously this means they aren't getting divorced, because only couples in love hold hands. They should have made it a Domino's night, because they both look like they are going in for pap smears.

Witnesses at the restaurant told People, "They looked very unassuming. Not like they were looking for attention." I just choked on my Pop Tart. Vadge not looking for attention is like...is like....well Vadge not looking for attention. That shit don't make sense!

And what in Cirque du Soleil hell is Vadge wearing?!

With Vadge and Guy Ritchie's dumbass divorce getting so much attention, I thought I'd show a little love to the sexiest member of that family - Carlos Leon. We should show our appreciation for him by sitting on his face and spinning while humming "Deeper and Deeper." Since we can't do that without getting arrested and having a restraining order put on us, here's some lovely pictures of him with Lourdes.

No wonder Vadge chose his ass as her sperm donor. That bitch is hot. You know that peen hangs low and it wobbles to and fro. You can tie it in a knot. You can tie it in....you get it.

Carlos looks like he might slap you in the teefs if you get out of line, but I need that kind of discipline every now and again. I can even look past that creepy ass tattoo.

If Carlos Leon isn't your cup of hot leche, I've also throw in some pictures of pretty, pretty Princess Zac Efron for all the tweens, pedos, make-up fetishists and dom daddy tops out there.

I decided to use this old ass picture from 1997, because Courtney Love looks healthy, Vadge looks like she's wasted and the dude behind them is kind of hot. I also used it, because I'm sick of posting recent pictures of Guy looking miserable and Vadge looking like she has a baseball bat stuck up her culo.

So... Vadge's longtime spokeswhore has finally released some sort of statement. She's been shouting "no comment" ever since the divorce rumors started. Liz Rosenberg told People, "Madonna's husband Guy arrived in New York last night to be with his wife and family (not in a last ditch attempt to save his marriage which does not need saving). There are no plans for Madonna and Guy to divorce."

And what about the rumors that Vadge and A-Rod are doing gross things with each other?

"Madonna and Alex have the same manager, Guy Oseary. They have met. They know each other and Madonna took her kids to a Yankees game last week. There's really not anything to comment on beyond that. It's nothing new that people are airing tons of dirty laundry Madonna's way lately – much of it untrue. By the way, rumors of Madonna and Lil Wayne are quite exaggerated as well."

You know who's probably leaking all these Madge rumors? I'll give you a hint, it rhymes with Vadge! Fuck, that wasn't much of a hint. I mean, she is going on a world tour soon.

That's that! Can I finally go on with my no-life now?

Madonna's dangerous Venus Fly Vag has struck again.....maybe. UsWeekly reports that Vadge and A-Rod from the Yankees are doing fuckey fuckey times. Nastay! That grossness probably looks like two roided-up beavers fighting under a blanket. Sources say that 32-year-old A-Rod has been making visits to Vadge's NYC apartment. He leaves just after midnight and all the doorman "are talking about it." Those nosies! They better not even expect a $20 Christmas bonus from Vadge this year!

Vadge also sat in A-Rod's seats at a Yankees game on June 22nd. OK! Magazine reports the two also share the same trainer and were seen together in May at an after party for Vadge's show in NYC.

A-Rod is married with two kiddies. Last year, he reportedly cheated on his wifey with some stripper ho.

Vadge's spokesbitch won't comment on the divorce rumors and so she didn't comment on this mess either.

Hmmm...A-Rod does get wet for she-maliens with scary, rippled arms. I don't even watch to picture these two bumping muscley genitals. They probably get stuck all the time, because Vadge's muscled-up chocha traps A-Rod's rod. They have to scream for the maid to come in and turn the hose on them.

Mister Vadge left London this morning to join his wifey and kids in New York. Some say Guy is trying to save his shitty ass marriage to Madge. Madge probably promised Guy she'd give his nuts back if he traveled to NYC to pretend they are a happy couple.

Guy's mommy is the only one to speak out against the divorce rumors. Lady Amber Leighton told the Telegraph, "There’s no conversation about divorce because there is no divorce. They are no different to most other couples and we all know that being together can be hard sometimes and marriages are not always a bed of roses. I’ll say it one more time, they are not getting divorced; the speculation is TT – that’s total tosh."

Yes, Amber Leighton was the name of Madge's character in that mega shit bomb "Swept Away."

I think I'm in love with Lady Amber Leighton. You know she's a chain smoker with a bouffant hairdo who drinks Crystal Light by the gallon. She has 15 cats named after precious gems like Ruby and Saphire. Here's a picture of hot ass Lady Amber Leighton wearing her prized pepaw coyote fur hat!

It came from the grave...... Eeek! If the whole international superstar thing doesn't work out for Madge, she can always get a job as the Crypt Keeper's hand double. And no, she's not wearing her wedding ring. Despite all the rumors that her marriage is in the shitter, Madge and her family showed up to Friday night services at the Kabbalahahaahha Center in NYC last night.

The Sun reports that Guy Ritchie will fly his ass to NYC this weekend to try and save his marriage. A source said, “It is make or break time for Guy and Madonna. She is completely focused on rehearsals for her tour in America and can’t come back to London. They want to make the marriage work, but they are at a stalemate. Divorce is something they have thought about.”

The source also claims that the main issue is that Madge wants to move her family to NYC, but Guy wants to stay in England. A few Dlisted birdies told me that the main issue is that Guy can't keep his "other guy" in his pants. I'm surprised to hear that he still has a dick. I thought that Madge's vagina of death chomped that thing off a while ago.

If Madge moves back to NYC, does this mean she will finally drop that truly hideous British accent? If only.

Madge and Guy's marriage was doomed the minute they left the house wearing those outfits. All downhill from there. So....everyone around these two have confirmed their marriage is dead. Just like Guy's career. Several "friends" told the Mirror that Madge has fallen out of love and told Guy she wants a divorce. He agreed, but is still hoping they can work things out. Why?! If the rumors are true, divorcing Vadge would make Guy one rich bitch.

Reportedly, they don't have a pre-nuptial agreement. That means Guy could snatch $100 million from Madge's $600 million fortune. He's going to have to wrestle the cash away from Vadge's cold, dead vagina. There's no way she's letting go of her money that easily.

Both have talked to attorneys, but Guy is hoping to avoid a dramatic court battle. A source said, "Guy is a decent bloke, full stop. It's not his style to start profiteering from such sorry circumstances. He's got too much respect for his wife and children."

Madge's spokesbitch would not comment.

Okay, no more talk of this until we hear it from the Vadgina's lips. Oh and Guy needs to take that bitch to the cleaners. I mean, his nuts are worth at least $100 million.

Another day, another 10,000 Madge/Guy Ritchie divorce rumors. The rumors are everything from Madge officially hiring Paul McCartney's divorce lawyer to Madge announcing her divorce after her world tour ends in November. My favorite story is about Madge and Guy's romantic three-day trip to Milan, Italy.

The Sun reports that the trip was supposed to be all romantic and shit, but they both spent it working. They also spent it in separate hotel rooms. A source said, “They had completely separate rooms, schedules, everything. It is all very well organized but it’s not a marriage the way most people understand it. They have this attitude like ‘we’re not really a couple but we’re friends and we love each other and raise our kids’. "

If you were married to Vadge, you'd have to sleep in a separate room too. You know her vagina snores like a choking walrus. Besides, the bed isn't big enough for Vadge, her blackberry, her laptop, her money bag, a life-sized cardboard cutout of herself AND Guy. There's just no room for him!