Scarlett Johansson

Correction: ScarJo shouldn't sing AT ALL. Above is ScarJo performing "Falling Down" from her new album during AOL's Live Sessions. The bitch sounds like Sinead O'Connor on testosterone. ScarJo needs to "fall down" a damn well already.

Click here if you can't see the video above

ScarJo showed up to the MET's Costume Institute Gala last night wearing her engagement ring from that hot bitch Ryan Reynolds. Ryan wasn't there, so maybe ScarJo made this all up? Maybe Ryan tried to break up with her ass, but Ryan's dick is so good that ScarJo wasn't going to let him go. She locked him up in the closet and then announced her engagement. Have we seen Ryan lately? Good dick makes you do crazy things. Ask Mimi.

Oh well. Even if they are engaged, ScarJo will never be Alanis. Never! You know Ryan misses riding Alanis. I'm not talking about sex either. I'm talking about Ryan riding Alanis through the fields at sunset. The way she used to gallop...memories.

And ScarJo's dress looked better on my sister when she wore it for her 3rd grade ballet recital. Okay, it was really me who wore it.

ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds are engaged! No! No! No! Scar's rep has confirmed it to People, "They're both thrilled." Yeah, all 4 of them. ScarJo, Ryan and her two enormous chichis.

ScarJo is expected to show off her engagement ring at tonight's Costume Institute Gala at the MET in NYC. Sources say that she can't wait to show it off. Oh please let Alanis Morissette be there too! I need her to gallop up to Ryan and say, "Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?" The answer is no, but we don't need to tell Alanis that.

ScarJo also has a shitty album coming out. Coincidence? I think not! Getting engaged is suddenly the new way to promote your album. Mariah Carey....Asshole Simpson....

Wait....what is she good at? Breast wearing? Yeah, she's really good at that! So, here's the video for ScarJo's single "Falling Down" off her new album called "Boring Songs with ScarJo" or something like that. The song sounds like my mother trying to do her best Sinead O'Connor impersonation. My mother would probably sound better and put a little more emotion into it. ScarJo sounds like she sang this while taking a dump.

And the video is just as boring. Enjoy! You better have a few sips of coffee before you watch this crap, because it will definitely put you to sleep.

ScarJo's debut album "Anywhere I Lay My Head" is due out May 20th. It's comprised mostly of Tom Waits cover with only one original song called "Song for Jo." It's going to give you an ear infection. You can probably count on that. This is the album cover and I'm disappointed.

All they needed to do was keep it simple and use a close-up shot of ScarJo's rack! That's where most men, women, children, animals and inanimate objects want to lay their head for the rest of eternity.

It looks like a glory hole in the woods.

The lovely and gorgeous, Natalie Portman, posed with some crazy hooker at the Berlinale Film Festival premiere of "The Boleyn Girl" in Berlin tonight. ScarJo's head looks like it was raped with a dog brush. Natalie can do no wrong. Well, she is wearing hotel curtains over Salvation Army lingerie, but she is still beautiful. As long as she keeps her trap shut and doesn't start blabbing about how she's so smart and shit.

They are really pushing this movie. I'm still not sold. If I wanted to hear bad accents I'd watch Julia Roberts in "Mary Reilly" again. Although, Eric Bana is a tall drink of Ovaltine. He's probably the only good part.

ScarJo and Natalie Portman are on the cover of March's W Magazine promoting their movie "The Other Boleyn Girl." That movie is basically an excuse for these two to butcher a British accent. They make Britney sound like the Queen of England.

No, it's not the Halloween issue. These two look like a more expensive version of every goth girl I went to school with. It's like a Hot Topic ad. Maggie the chihuahua is over it though. She's like, "Why am I stuck with these posers? Was the Dog Fancy cover already booked?"

Here's some quotes from the article:

ScarJo on tabloids: “You’re never going to find me at the Ivy. I don’t care how good the Cobb salad is. These tabloid magazines—I think they’re hideous and the downfall of society.”

I think your acting is the downfall of society, ScarJo. We're even.

ScarJo on monogamy: “I’ve been battered for saying that I don’t believe humans are monogamous by nature. The response was, like, ‘What a ho-bag!’ I didn’t mean that I don’t practice monogamy in my own life—of course I do! I’m not going to be in some tarty relationship. But I stick by what I said. I remember another time, I said I get tested for AIDS twice a year, and again that got spun as me being promiscuous. But I was single at the time, and I think it’s important to do that!”

What a HOBAG!

Nat on her public persona: “The only thing that’s a little bit annoying, is I feel that I come off kind of boring sometimes.”

Awww, I like Natalie. I know I'm not supposed to, but she's so damn pretty.

Nat on monogramy: “I’m into monogamy. But I’m not really into marriage right now. I sort of hate the legal aspect of it. What does the state have to do with it? Why are they making rules that say my lover can stay in the United States if they’re foreign or share my health care benefits because I’m straight—but if you’re gay, you can’t have that?”

Whatever you say Natalie. Just stay pretty and isn't ScarJo such a HOBAG!!?!

Click here to read the rest of the article if you care

ScarJo, Penny Cruz and Javier Bardem apparently have a threesome scene in Woody Allen's "Vicky Cristina Barcelona." This would be majorly hot if ScarJo was not included. Her big titties will only distract from the heat between Penny and Javier. ScarJo and Penny also have a lesbian scene. I'm sure Penny was loving that. I hope Salma wasn't too jealous. She wants to be the only pair of enormous chi-chis in Penny's life. Her breasts don't like to compete.

A source told Page Six, "It is also extremely erotic. People will be blown away and even shocked. Penelope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and it will leave the audience gasping." Gasping is a strong word. I don't think I've ever gasped in a movie. Well, there was that one time the popcorn kernel got stuck down my throat....if I ain't being too subtle.

ScarJo has returned from her USO Tour of the Persian Gulf and was asked about the rumors that she's engaged to Ryan Reynolds. She responded, "I am engaged ... to Barack Obama. My heart belongs to Barack, and that is who I am currently, finally, engaged to. Yes."

ScarJo showed support for Obama during the Iowa caucus earlier this month.

I wish Obama's wife, Michelle, would take off one of her Easy Spirit pumps and beat this ho down with it. ScarJo is trying to sound cute, but she's not Marilyn Monroe.

ScarJo's Tom Waits cover album just got a release date. Anywhere I Lay My Head, will come out on May 20th. I know where most straight dudes want to lay their heads. They want to lay it on ScarJo's boobies and I'm not talking about the head on their neck.

ScarJo's debut album will feature 10 Tom Waits covers. Nick Zinner from Yeah Yeah Yeahs and David Sitek of TV on the Radio collaborated on the album.

Below is a cover ScarJo did of Summertime. It's not completely atrocious. She sings better than she acts, but that's not saying much. There's no way I'm wasting my twinkie buying money on a ScarJo album, but I would definitely download it for free.