Scarlett Johansson

Cover your genitals with an industrial-strength chastity belt before you click on the thumbnail of the adonis who has been dubbed the "most beautiful man ever seen" by human eyes, because if you don't your fuck parts will try to wrap themselves around your monitor and you'll have to cancel all your plans for the rest of the day.

Meteorologists reported that the weather in Hawaii this weekend would be dark, cloudy, rainy and that the sky would be covered with a thick layer of depressed sadness (no, they didn't, I'm lying), but as soon as our modern day David, Nate Naylor, showed up, everything changed. The sun came out to touch his beauty with its rays, the buds bloomed in record time like they were on speed and the hummingbirds exploded into sprays of nectar. Nate has that effect on nature. So all you hos in Hawaii can thank Nate for the sunshine this weekend. Oh, and ScarJo is also there, but who cares about her Sean Penn-licking ass.

And on a serious note, do you think Nate Naylor's parents are a little disappointed that he grew up to be an ad executive type who is motorboating a movie star? I mean, they named him Nate Naylor, which means they had high hopes of him becoming a porn star or a superhero's sidekick.

And thy name is Nate Naylor.

I really hope that you have an eyeball on your chin so that you can read all about our modern day Adonis as you lick his picture. This perfect human man (not my words) is currently blessing Scarlett Johansson's double Mount Olympus chichis with his natural beauty and so People put up their magnifying glass to him to find out who he really is. It reads like a press release about him, written by him and he should really start a second career in writing Match.com profiles. Nate Naylor (pronounced: Nate Nail Her) is in the business of overselling shit (surprise, surprise) and works as an advertising executive in NYC.

Nate has a NSFWish Tumblr, dated Kristen Johnston for a quick minute, is an Arizona native and is so beautiful in person that looking at him is like looking at a unicorn made of marijuana dancing on top of a double rainbow over an In-N-Out. Basically, Nate always keeps fresh silk hankies in his pocket, because you will weep like it's the first time you've wept when you see his face up close.

This is the second fact from People's "What You Need To Know About Nate Naylor" list and it's the only thing you need to know about Nate Naylor:

2. He gets high praise from friends – for his work and looks

Naylor "is the most beautiful man I've ever seen in person," says fellow freelance creative director Lawson Clarke, who is known in the ad world as Male Copywriter. "He basically looks like Morrissey in his prime." But Naylor's not just another pretty face. "Bottom line is Nate's a great guy and really respected in the industry," adds Clarke, who has worked with Naylor multiple times. "Scarlett should be so lucky."

"Nate Naylor is the most beautiful man I've ever seen in person." - Lawson Clarke

"He basically looks like Morrissey in his prime." - Lawson Clarke

Nate Naylor should get both of those quotes tattooed on his ass and forehead, because those words will close all deals. I swear, Lawson Clarke is the greatest dick puller ever. Now I'm not saying that Nate Naylor ain't hot (because I'd hit it, duh), but I am saying that Lawson Clarke has only seen three men in person and the other two were Brian Peppers and Mimi in drag. So he's not lying.

Did you know that ScarJo's actual government name is not ScarJo, but it's actually something like Scarlett Johansson? Weird, right? You think you know someone. Well, ScarJo tells USA Today that she wants the nickname to die a painful death and thinks it was born from the lazy orifice of laziness. This coming from a trick who has permanent lazy face and is acting in her sleep most of the time. Okay, then....

"Oh, it's awful. It's a laziness. People can't actually say the whole name? It's just bizarre. How come Daniel Day-Lewis isn't subjected to like, 'DaDay'? So Cate Blanchett is not, like, 'CaBla'? Why is that? Why do I have to get stuck with a mangled moniker?"

The fuckery of comparing herself to DaDay and CaBla aside, ScarJo should be grateful that bitches are typing or saying her name in any form. But if ScarJo doesn't want to be called ScarJo, maybe we shouldn't call that bitch ScarJo. (In my best Teresa Giudice gorilla howl) Is ScarHO better? Is that better?

Thanks to trendsetter Lindsay Lohan, teeth covered in gum diarrhea are the must-have beauty staple amongst Hollywood's most stunning beauties. At last night's NYC premiere of We Bought A Zoo (which is also the exact line an E! executive said to their staff after they picked up Keeping Up with the Kuntrashians), ScarJo accessorized her dick cheese grill with fruit bowl hair, your nana's favorite rhinestone holiday earrings and a dress that I swear I saw hanging out of a cardboard box in front of the Salvation Army near my apartment.

I have to thank ScarJo for breaking out of the bright white chiclets mold that society expects all of us to fit into. ScarJo is chewing through a ball of dick cheese to get to natural beauty and we should thank her for this. I mean, real people have nicotine smegma on their teefs. They don't have blinding ass white cartoon teeth. Since carrot teeth are officially in, I can stop with the whitening toothpaste, the whitening mouthwash and those dark-sided Crest White Strips. Crest White Strips are a tool from Hell and I swear they're made from the jizz of Satan. Whenever I pull those evil things off my teeth, it feels like I just nibbled on an aluminum foil asshole before getting squirted in the mouth with Clorox. But those days are behind us now that dirty butt teeth are so now!

Here's more pictures from last night's premiere including some of Matt Damon with his wife, Elle Fanning, some other childrens, Sylvia Miles and Parker Posey. On a different note, who the hell is going to see this shit?! Why would I watch ScarJo and Matt Damon fall in love in front of a bunch of animals who cannot maul those boring bitches since they're trapped in cages? That's torture.

The bland bitch battlefield is lukewarming up! ScarJo told Cosmo in their latest issue that marrying Ryan Reynolds was the best thing she's ever done in her entire life, but they barely spent time together and moving on was the right thing to do. Blah, blah, blah, burp, blah, blah, blah. But some source tells UsWeekly that ScarJo hasn't moved on and is a member of the "I Don't Want To Fuck Him, But I Don't Want Any Other Trick To Fuck Him Either" club. Apparently, ScarJo is not happy that Blake Lively is screwing on her leftovers and now she's having doubts about leaving him. The source put it like this:

"Scarlett is pissed that he's not under her spell anymore. She realized what a great catch Ryan was."

The source went on to say that Ryan would've reunited with ScarJo, but she ruined things forever when she tainted her parts with Sean Penn's prune dick.

So what to believe? The words that came out of ScarJo's mouth to a magazine or the words from a question mark to a weekly tabloid? Or do you not want to waste any of your "give a fuck" rations on this. Yeah, the third option is the winner. Don't get me wrong, I roll out of bed in the morning for a good catfight, but this is not one of those. Sucking off a snowman would be more exciting than witnessing these two fight. Watching ScarBore and Blake NotSoLively fight over Ryan Reynolds would be like watching a rutabaga and a piece of jicama fight over cauliflower. And yes, I've seen a rutabaga and a piece of jicama fight over cauliflower thanks to a few bong hits. (SPOILER ALERT: the rutabaga always wins)

Thanks to a hacker, who could get more time in the chokey than most rapists, ScarJo's titty knobs are just a Google search away from landing on your eyeballs and she pretty much shrugs off their existence to Vanity Fair while sticking a gold star on her cell phone pose skills. Yes, you know ScarJo had Ty Ty Baby in her head as she tried to smile with her nipple holes (smipping?) and work those angles. You also know that Ty Ty is probably going to do a ridiculous naked celebrity cell phone photo shoot based on ScarJo's comments.

“I know my best angles,” she says with her trademark insouciance. “They were sent to my husband,” now ex Ryan Reynolds. “There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not like I was shooting a porno.” She adds saucily, “Although there’s nothing wrong with that either.”

While I give ScarJo a few spare points for sort of taking the Cassie route by saying in so many words "It's just a titty!," I need her to stop with that "best angle" shit. Bitch, your best angle should be the one that clearly gives us a shot of Ryan Reynolds' fully erect dick game. Seriously. If ScarJo gave Ryan the gift of her texted titty, then I'm sure he returned the favor by slapping a dick pic on her cell phone screen. "Where are those pictures?," said a million slobbering genitals.

Either the hacker is not an equal opportunity pic stealer and is prejudiced against celebrity man dick, or ScarJo deleted Ryan's pics but kept hers on her phone. The next time a celebrity (not Sean Penn) sends a peen portrait to ScarJo and her finger hovers over the delete button, I really hope she thinks about the possibility of a hacker hacking into her phone and leaking said peen portrait onto the Internet for all of us to see. If she deletes that pic, she's keeping the public-at-large from getting some celebrity dick in their lonely lives. Think about this, ScarJo! Stop being so selfish!

And yes, don't worry, I'm taking my tray to the dark part of the cafeteria to sit with the other pervs.

If you've had your tongue on Sean Penn's golden raisin taint as he yammered on about saving Haiti, you too would try to cleanse your brain of that terrifying memory by spinning on the dick of grown men who used to be child actors. That's pretty much what ScarJo is trying to do. ScarJo has already bounced her chichis on the face of Kieran Culkin and now UsWeekly is saying that she can answer the question: "What does the inside of Joseph Gordon-Levitt's mouth feel like?"

The details from UsWeekly as every trick who cried snot tears during 50/50 screams out, "Third rock from the NOOOOO!!!!":

Scarlett Johansson was spotted making out with 50/50 star Joseph Gordon-Levitt in NYC last month. "They were kissing," an eyewitness tells the new Us Weekly, on stands Friday. "They were very lovey."

It wasn't the first time Johansson, 26, and Gordon-Levitt, 30, hit the town together. The duo dined at Hundred Acres in NYC's SoHo area in late July.

Although a source tells Us that Ryan Reynolds' ex and Gordon-Levitt have been "discussing a project for a while [but] have never kissed," another insider explains, "They first met about a film they wanted to do together, but it's gone beyond that now."

One of ScarJo's friend says that it was just a kiss, which is polite talk for "She's a slut." But really, it was just a damn kiss. Maybe ScarJo was telling JGL that she can't get the rancid taste of Sean Penn's old nuts out of her mouth and he was curious to see what she was talking about. Who knows.

ScarJo really doesn't have a type, though. Bitch went from Ryan Reynolds to Sean Penn to Kieran Culkin to Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Four of these are not like the other. You better watch out, because ScarJo may get on your favorite white actor to fap to next. Where ScarJo's coochie will stop next, nobody knows.

Now that Blake Lively's publicist landed her a full-time temp-to-perm gig as Leonardo DiCatchaHo's piece, they are sitting back, marveling at the bland fruits of their labor and passing their tricks of the STUNT QUEEN romance trade to Bradley Cooper's publicist. I say that because that fiction fan-writing bitch is going at it hard. Case in point: B. Coop pursed and winked at JLo during a romantic date over a week ago and the details magically landed in TMZ's inbox from the e-mail address "bradleycooperisaheterosexualvaginalover@rocketmail.com." Contract negotiations must've broken down like Skeletor's metabolism when he eats something other than virgin plasma, because B. Coop has wiggled away from JLo and is off doing the heterosexual mating dance with other pieces.

An "eyewitness" tells Life & Style (via NYDN) that B. Coop threw flirty eyes at ScarJo and held her hand while partying with friends at some club in NYC the other night. This mess reads like something out of Choose Your Own Beardventures.

"Scarlett and Bradley arrived with a small group of friends, including model Cheyenne Tozzi, around 2am. While Bradley was flirty with Cheyenne initially, after some drinks he turned his attention to Scarlett. The duo were hand in hand and more than flirty by the end of the night!

They were here with a group of friends and ordered champagne. The group was having a good time together."

ScarJo's rep says that they have been good friends ever since doing that shit show He's Just Not That Into You together and if they held hands they did it as friends only. Okay?

But you know, I, for one, love it whenever "Bradley Cooper is a pussy wrassling man whore who licks the ladies" is shoved down our throat holes, because it tastes like nothing but strawberry-flavored Booty Eaze gel and Victor Garber's taint sweat.

Earlier this morning, the earth stopped spinning for two seconds, because every titty-loving creature held their breaths and pulled down their chonies at the same time when the words "SCARLETT JOHANSSON NUDE PICTURES LEAKED" were stamped on the internet's taint and BOOM! This is what everyone has been waiting for!

This is why wars are being fought! Every single fap has been a dress rehearsal for this moment! This is why peens get up in the morning! Etc! Etc! Etc! But then it happened, and nothing. Nobody put down their guns and started jacking. The world kept being a shit place. How do I really, really know? Well, I got up to pee this morning, then put on my way too-tight, ball-hugging shorty shorts, sat down in front of this laptop and out came some tardy for the party piss giving me a wet spot that I swear my mom's bitchy cat is judging me for. I see a "You know, the litter box is just over there..." look coming from his prissy eyes. ScarJo's nipple gracing the internet was supposed to stop shit like this from happening. We've been lied to!

But anyway, (NSFW unless you work for UNICEF) click here to see ScarJo's nipple, ass and ugly wallpaper. TMZ says that the FBI is investigating this since the pictures were hacked from her cell phone by the same ho who hacked Vanessa Hudgens and MiserAlba. But the FBI don't need to investigate this shit since this isn't ScarJo. It's obviously Not Blake Lively.

In case you missed it, here's ScarJo, Jeremy Renner, Chris Pine, Robert Downey Jr., Mark Ruffalo and Chris Hemsworth playing dress up on the NYC set of The Avengers on Saturday morning.

You know, if you took everything I know about The Avengers and used it to power your American flag finger vibrator this Labor Day, you'd be the opposite of patriotic because that shit wouldn't bust out one tingle due to the fact that I know absolutely nothing about The Avengers. Nothing. I don't know what their damn costumes do. I don't know why they're running around. I don't know why Jeremy Renner is dressed like a top at a gay leather bar who carries skinny starter dildos in a wine bottle carrier just in case he runs into a trainee bottom who needs a little assistance in the loosening up department. I don't know!

But I do know that The Avengers desperately needs the bulge budget that Superman has.