Sienna Miller

High Priestess Whitney was right when she preached that the children are our future and now it looks like our future is going to be every shade of ESCANDALOSO, because my homewrecking queen Sienna Miller has got a uterus full of fetus. UsWeekly says that the retired MPV-winning man thief and her boyfriend of a year Tom Sturridge (the fancy Skid Row resident she's puckering on in the picture above) will be parents to a hipster baby in a few months. If Peaches Geldof getting knocked up wasn't reason enough to start digging your 2012 underground bunker, then this news will be enough. SHOVELS OUT!

Sienna's rep hasn't confirmed any of this, but one of her loud mouth friends told UsWeekly, "They just spent the holidays in Paris together after they announced the news in London. [Their] were not surprised by the news of the pregnancy. They're really good together."

That baby is going to be such a damn hipster. It's going to come out of Sienna Miller's former bulldozer vagina in a vintage Liz Claiborne cape (True Story: I was in a Salvation Army in Greenpoint and heard some dirty hipster ask if they had any Liz Claiborne brand capes), an American Spirit in its mouth, the scent of patchouli wafting off of it and a monocle over its eye (because it will be a monocle-wearing baby before monocle-wearing babies are the thing). I just hope Sienna teaches her hipster baby everything she knows about relationships. Like age is nothing but a number and a wedding ring is nothing but something that will give your genitals an extra tingle while your married piece fingers you. A wedding ring is sort of like a cock ring for your finger!

But if it's true that kids turn out the opposite of their parents, then Sienna's child will probably care about the importance of bathing as much as it cares about respecting the marital vows of others. BOOOOOO!

It's sort of fitting that Anna Wintour's head is positioned right over Sienna Miller's crotch, because I've always pictured Sienna's vagina as a snarling boil with soul-nibbling eyes who growls at anything that doesn't resemble a stick. No, that dude Sienna Miller is throwing "please pet me" eyes at is not Teen Wolf's dad. It's Sienna's current boyfriend Tom Sturridge who sat with her in Anna Wintour's box (yes, I see what I did there) at the French Open in Paris yesterday.

Where the hell is an extra-strength detangler and an iron brush when you really need them, because this picture is where Scraggly goes when it needs to find itself. They all look like they call Riff Raff their leader. A mess.

And how is Sienna going to go from Jude Law to a dude who uses Rogaine as a face moisturizer? From one extreme to the next. Well, I guess I'd have hearts in my eyes too for a dude who could exfoliate my taint while he licks on my genitals.

I was going to write a post about how Sienna Miller is giving her bull dozer vagina the spring off to fuck around with totally single and unmarried Tom Sturridge, but then I came across this picture of her moistening her chops at the sight of Gandalf's behind-the-counter goods in London yesterday. Or maybe she's excited because she's thinking about all the homes she can barge into with that motorized scooter. Yeah, it's definitely that.

The stroll has been aching to hear the roar of Sienna Miller's bulldozer vag and wives have been sleeping a little too soundly lately, so it pleases me to learn that things between her on-and-off again piece Jude Law are set to off again. Don't bother declaring a CODE: LOCK UP YER HUZBANDZ, because Sienna can pick a lock with her clit and sniff out precious metal dust on a wedding finger from miles away.

A friend of Jude Law tells People that there wasn't any kind of scandal involved with their break-up and their relationship simply ran out of breath, stopped and walked over to the bleachers to take an indefinite nap. Jude's rep confirms that Sienna is no longer licking the skin triangles on his head.

Thank the homewrecking slut gods for this. Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes' homewrecking game is just pathetic and Blake Lively's acts of ho shit are laughable. It's like they're all still taking classes at a Montessori school and Sienna is teaching the MASTER CLASS at fucking Harvard. Seasoned Sienna is finally back and I'm sure she'll be better than ever once she squirts a little WD-40 on her rusty parts and gets things going again. I really can't wait to see which dude will star in the next episode of Sienna's Extreme Makeover: Homewrecker Edition. Move that bus!

Dear extra from Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead, You can finally put on that outfit you stole from the costume department and rock that shit proudly like Sienna Miller did in France yesterday. Who cares if those pants make your labia look like the size of one of Jabba the Hutt's chins. Who cares if bitches start singing "Does your puss hang low? Does it wobble to and fro?" when you walk on by. Who cares if those pants are the color of week-old salmon tartare. If it's good enough for Sienna....

And speaking of hos dressing like high school students from the early 90s, I've also thrown in some pictures of RiRi in Paris

Balthazar Getty and the mother of his 4 chirruns, Rosetta Getty, are back together and making their marriage work after he publicly took a wild ride on Sienna Miller's bull dozer vagina back in 2008. In case you didn't read the Book of Balthazar in Sienna's homewrecking bible, Balthazar dropped his wife and kids to to join Sienna's worldwide whore tour for about a year. Sienna made all us shameless skanks proud when she smugly smiled for the paps while grabbing onto Balthazar's claimed crotch with her titties out. It was a crowning achievement for the homewreckers of the world!

There were rumors that Sienna kept trying to snatch off Balthazar's wedding band with her claw crane cooch, but he wasn't interested in getting divorced from Rosetta. Eventually, Sienna went off to another victim and Balthazar was left sitting in the middle of the wreckage with a new itch on his dick lips and loneliness in his heart. So he ran back to his wife who left the door to their house wide open. Balthazar tells Harper's Bazaar (via Page Six):

"Here's the bottom line: It was a very challenging time for everybody involved. But I loved and missed my family too much not to make it work. [Wife] Rosetta is understanding enough and spiritual enough to let us try."

Meaning, Rosetta understands that Getty money is better when you're still married to a Getty and she saw the light several times while fucking on her own side-pieces while Balthazar passed the peen to Sienna. That's exactly why Rosetta is throwing a "Yup, I got mine" look in the picture above.

My slut hero Sienna Miller is the real winner here, because she no longer has to wake up to Balthazar's untamed and malnourished brows every day.

So I'm staring at this picture of Sienna Miller with Jude Law on a yacht in Ibiza and trying to figure out what exactly she's doing. Maybe she's telling everyone about how she was open mouthed shocked when she first laid eyes on Balthazar Getty's teeny peeny. Or maybe she's telling them that the back alley plastic surgeon who did her wonky tit job saved her some money by shoving the implant into her chest via her froat. But no, none of those make sense.

The simple truth is that Sienna is talking about sucking dick. There's no other logical explanation. If this was a question on a quiz, answers a, b, and c would all read: Sienna Miller is demonstrating a beej. And that's why I can't hate Sienna even though she has temporarily retired from the slut game. I also can't fully hate her because of shit like this:

Although, this is probably not what it looks like. Jude is just trying to see if that sock he lost earlier is in there.

Former gold medal homewrecker (her medal has since been revoked) Sienna Miller showed up to that Met Testicle thing last night with her on-again boyfriend Jude Law. This was their first event as a couple since they got back together for like the millionth time. Sienna wore navy, but she should've worn black to mourn her whory days as one of the hardest working sluts on the stroll. I know that every time I see a picture of Sienna with Jude, I throw the black lace veil my abuelita got me over my head and light a patron saint jar candle. The recession has finally hit Sienna's vagina.

Speaking of follicle-less dry spots, what happened to Jude Law's puzzle piece hairline?! It has magically been filled in. Usually Sienna Miller's touch causes every strand of hair to fall off, but the opposite has happened to Jude! Chi chi chi chia! It's magic!

But I'm guessing that the pubic hairs from Jude Law's dick bush simply migrated north to his head to escape Sienna's pussy. That's all.

Here's former homewrecking slut hero Sienna Miller leaving some store in West Hollywood yesterday with her current full-time fuck partner Jude Law. Oh, how Sienna Miller continues to disappoint us sluts with no morals. Not only is her vagina still carousing with an old piece, but she actually agreed to be seen in public with a dude wearing flip flops with a shiny suit?!

Jude looks like a greasy French gigolo who smells like coconut oil, foreskin fromage, Binaca, cigar ash and saltwater crust. I bet he's wearing a spandex leopard thong under his suit.

With all that being said, Jude (who might be wearing a fluffy merkin on his head) gets a pass this time, because at least he's not wearing condom socks.

It turns out the rumors are true. Jude Law snatched up three of his four kids and went off to Barbados to spend some time with his partner in homewreckery Sienna Miller. Jude and Sienna are spending their days frolicking on the beach with the kids, and spending their nights sucking the sand crabs out of each other's fuck parts. SCRAGS BITCHES!

Sienna has always been a personal slut hero of mine, so it is a little disappointing seeing her go back for fourths and fifths of Jude Law's peen. But I do understand. Bitch is just getting hers. However, I do hope she's protecting her ovaries from Jude's potent sperm. One of those needy baby things would slow down her slut game. That would be tragic.

Speaking of protection, does Rogaine make sunscreen? Jude should look into that if he hasn't already.