Sienna Miller

Sienna Miller has reportedly dumped Rhys Ifans for a final time after she found his shaggy ass going through her text messages. This is why you password protect all your shit! I once got slapped by an ex-boyfriend because his meth-addicted ass went through my e-mails and found a sexy one sent to me. GET THIS SHIT! The e-mail was spam! Spam is pure evil. When the fugly dumb whore figured out it was spam, he didn't even apologize. Password protect your crap or you could get bitch slapped!

Rhys found text messages to Sienna from her ex, Matthew Rhys. Sienna dumped Matthew last year and started dating Rhys right away. She really likes those Rhys dudes. Jonathan Rhys Meyers is next. He doesn't know it yet.

Sienna flipped out when she found him going through her shit. A source told The Sun, “She compared him to a spotlight shining in her face all the time. He is heartbroken they have split. Sienna feels really sorry for him because he had slotted into her family perfectly, but she couldn’t cope with his suspicious and jealous behaviour. When they are together they get on so well. But she can’t cope with his jealousy.”

She dumped his ass last week over the phone. She should have done it by text message. I always like to use the popular phrase, "I QUIT THIS BITCH!" Simple and to the point.

Sienna will have new dick by end of next week.

Sienna Miller is reportedly close to splitting up with her alleged fiance, Rhys Ifans. Sadness. I really wanted to see Sienna in a bohemian mess of a wedding dress. The reason for this lovely pair's possible split? Jealousy! You see, Sienna loves partying and flirting with dudes and Rhys doesn't like it.

A source said, “Rhys gets very jealous - he hates her socializing with other men and always wants to know where she is and who she’s with. During a row she yelled at him: ‘It’s just like being with Jude’. Rhys freaked out, because he prides himself on being the laid-back opposite of Jude. But he just gets worked up seeing men admiring his girlfriend and trying to hit on her.”

“Rhys still seems madly in love with her but everyone’s speculating Sienna has grown out of the relationship.”

Rhys seems like a lovely dude, but Sienna can't help. She's a hardcore slut through and through. I'm speaking from experience. You can't change a slut's spots. Seriously, you can't, because a doctor hasn't invented the right ointment yet. I've tried everything to fix my slut "spots."

It sucks, because they really look lovely together. How often are you going to find someone that shares the same shade of Miss Clairol as you? Never!

You know Marilyn Manson ordered Evan Rachel Wood to scour the vintage stores and replicate Dita Von Teese's outfit or else! If she doesn't do it, she'll have to sleep in the coffin again.

Here's Dita looking like Lovey Howell as she tried to avoid the sun at the Coachella yesterday.

Dita recently said that she does whatever it takes to keep her baby powder skin from getting tan. She said, "I never go sunbathing. My worst fear is looking down and seeing brown, wrinkly cleavage. It will get white and wrinkly, but there is no need to rush it. I pack vitamins to stop the sun doing anything to me. Some foods accelerate tanning, so I'm very careful about what I eat." Damn. The woman has dedication. I get up, go piss, put on some sweats and call it a day. Dita probably spends 2 hours picking her outfit and then another 2 hours picking out shit to eat that won't tan her skin.

Below are some other twats at Coachella including Sienna Miller, Kelly Osbourne, Kimbo Stewart and Melanie Griffith. They don't hold a candle to Dita's glamour!

Is it just me or does Melanie look like she's suffering from cokey mouth?

Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans have been pretty quiet about their relationship. Sienna has already denied they are engaged. Leave it to mom to spill the frijoles. Rhys' mommy has opened her big mouth and claims they are in fact promised to each other for marriage. His memaw told The Sun, "They adore each other and I am so pleased for them. They make a fantastic couple. We think she is lovely, absolutely fantastic."

Rhys' family also said the two are looking for a home in Wales. Recently, Sienna told friends that she loves Wales and accused the English of pillaging the country. She said, "I think it is the most beautiful country in the world and the people were just gracious and lovely considering they have been raped and pillaged by the English for so long." Ok...let's have another drink then, Sienna.

Rhys has reportedly proposed to Sienna dozens of times, but she finally accepted this time. He probably finally caught her at the one moment of the day she wasn't completely wasted.

Congrats to the dirty couple! Let's hope they will brush their hair and teeth for this special occasion. Probably not, but one can hope!

No, not masturbation. That's a beautiful word and nobody should dread it. I'm talking about marriage. You see, Rhys Ifans is sick of being Sienna Miller's secret and wants to marry her or else! A source told the Daily Mail, "He has asked Sienna to marry him and it's the last time he will ask. He wants everyone to know they are officially an item. Sienna has yet to make a decision and Rhys can't understand why."

Sienna wants to keep their relationship on the down-low and isn't ready to go public in a major way.

Rhys just screwed himself and not in a good way. Nothing sends a slut running like the m-word. Sienna is a slut through and through and Rhys needs to understand that. It's an instant boner killer. I expect Sienna to dump his ass any day now.

It's about time anyway. I was beginning to miss Sienna slut-antics!

Poor Sienna Miller. The slut always gets blamed. Rush & Molloy reports that Sienna Miller might have had something to do with Sean Penn's marriage to Robin Wright ending. One source claims that Sienna and Sean were always flirting. They talked about one night in NYC where they were all over each other. "She was dressed very sexily. She had her arm around his neck." They stayed up all night together.

However, one of Sienna's friends said she's always like that. Ya see! Sluts can't help it. They just want to touch, suck and fuck everything. It's in their nature.

Sienna's rep says it's all untrue and she didn't cause their break-up. She respects Robin and blah...blah..

Yeah, Sienna didn't cause their marriage to end. Maybe it was all those dozens of women Sean screwed while he was married or all that coke he was snorting? Hmmm...just a thought!