Beyonce

If Derek Blanks shot an Alter Ego-inspired commercial for Nerf, it would look just like Beyonce and Lady CaCa's "Video Phone" video. And it's not a coincidence that at the beginning of this shit Beyonce looks like NeNe Leakes channeling her inner Alien Princess RiRi.

The wig stores are going to be working overtime this week, because the Glittery Gays of YouTube will be storming their shops to buy up their entire inventory in order to recreate this mess. Beyonce used all of the wigs (i.e. homegirl Bettie Paige, Double Trouble, etc...) in her archive!

And now I know why Lady CaCa (aka Zombie Donatella Versace) always runs around wearing bird cages on her face and half of Michael's craft department on her head. But I will give it up for her tuck game. Bitch finally shoved her junk between her ass cheeks and commanded it to stay. Well done!

Beyonce and Basement Baby's daddy/manager, Matthew Knowles, might be a father again, but the mother is not his wife of 29 years Tina Knowles. WIGS WILL FLY!

TMZ reports that a woman who goes by the name of Alexsandra Wright filed a paternity suit against Daddy Knowles claiming that he's the papa je'e of her unborn baby. Alexsandra, who lives in Los Angeles and is in her 30s, is about six months pregnant. Please tell me she's going to name the baby Sasha Fierce Jr. Even if it's a boy. Especially if it's a boy.

Daddy Knowles probably won't believe he's the father until Maury utters those 4 magical words, but this could be good news for Solange! With a new Knowles spawn on the way, she will rise from the basement. Sasha Fierce Jr. will be the new basement baby who has to sit at the children's table for the rest of his days. Solange will finally have someone to throw a side-eye at.

In case you missed it, here's Kanye West proving that he hates Taylor Swift people. While the adorable little mouse known as Taylor Swift was trying to accept her award for Best Female Video, Gay Fish stomped on stage, snatched the mic out of her hand and declared that Beyonce should've won that shit! Just like that, millions of FUCK YOU KANYE groups were born on Facebook.

YES, Kanye West took a mic from a baby! Bitch is running himself right out of this town. Seriously, when Kanye gets back to his MacBook Air, his CAPS LOCK key will be long gone. Even that bitch won't be a part of his fuckery even more. And Jon Gosselin is standing by to gladly hand over his used tampon tiara (made by Ed Hardy, of course) to Kanye West and crown him the new Douchebag of the Millennium.

Beyonce had a look on her face like "I DON'T KNOW THAT BITCH." You know that look. It's the same look your mama gives you when you get drunk and act the fool at family reunions.

At the end of the show, Beyonce won Video of the Year and instead of giving a speech, she invited Taylor Swift out to "finish her moment." Daddy Knowles is good! Suddenly, Beyonce has gone from Sasha Fierce to Saint Fierce.

Sasha Fierce will be the recipient of a Nobel Peace Prize for this shit.

Jay Z's bodyguard must have had a hard shit stuck in his ass last night, because he was in no mood. When Jay-Z and Beyonce were leaving a restaurant in Dubrovnik, Croatia, a pepaw pap (pepawrazzi?) tried to get a few pictures of them. Jay-Z's mighty fist (aka his bodyguard) wasn't having it, so he swiped at the pepaw's camera, breaking its light.

Since we all know pepaws are not the one, he fought back by throwing his tripod at Jay's bodyguard. You can guess what happened next. The bodyguard dumped that shit into the ocean.

The pepaw called the cops who charged Jay's bodyguard with fucking up someone else's personal property. Strangely enough, he was not charged with ocean pollution. Don't worry, Bette Midler has his number.

Why does Beyonce even need a bodyguard? I thought she could break jaws with just a thrust of her crotch? And blind a bitch with just a whip from her wig? Obviously, I thought wrong.

Beyonce needs to fire that bodyguard and hire posarassi fighter Quween on the Scene. Quween isn't the violent type. Quween would've made that pap disappear in a flash by asking him for some money. That is the quickest way to get a bitch out of your face.

Someone who was at the Sasha Fierce show in Los Angeles told People that Tommy Gurrrrrllll was there without his Stepford Beard and he broke into the "Single Ladies" dance in front of everyone!! The ho went on to say, "Everyone was laughing and taking pictures."

If this ever makes it onto the internet, every Glittery Gay of YouTube is going to pack up their swish and go, because the know they could never top this! And by "never top this," I mean that in more ways than one, because I don't think Tommy Girl busts it like that.

My glitter fountain is slowly drying up just from picturing Tommy Girl dropping his Scientolohole low. That's probably the dance he does when Stepford Katie tries to get frisky. When Tommy thrusts his hips, even robotic vaginas shut down.

Image source: Fugly.com (how appropriate)

Sasha Fierce's "Sweet Dreams" video hasn't even been out for 48 hours and the glittery gays of YouTube have already wrapped their honey baked hands all over it. It's a glitter revolution!

You might remember this buttery sweet Cinnabon roll from his earthquake-inducing performance back in May. Some of you may still be on the floor. Well, the bitch is back and he's taking it to the garage. Tyrone Jones is pulling out all the stops in this one from the ripple effect (which had me craving Cheddar & Sour Cream Lays) and the butter-churning grind. Why isn't this hot bitch in a Tyler Perry movie already?

I was also kind of hoping that the garage door opened to reveal his mom in a Camry screaming, "Get your gay ass out of the way! The El Pollo Loco is going to get cold!"

VIA Crunk + Disorderly

Sasha Fierce cranks out a video every week and here's her latest one for "Sweet Dreams (ARE NOT Made Of These)." This could easily be used a promo for season 2 of RuPaul's Drag Race, because Sasha Fierce is dragging it up for HER LIFE. Sasha's tuck game cannot be beat!

I hope Papa Knowles gave Basement Baby an extra 5-minutes to play with her stick friends in the backyard for editing this video on her DOS machine. She deserves it.

I also like the cameo by CP3-Tranny at the very end. It was a nice touch. FACE! BEAUTY! FACE! I GIVE FACE!

Beyonce was kind enough to give Basement Baby a summer job as a light switcher on her tour and this is the thanks she gets?! At a show in Rotterdam, Sasha Fierce's wig nearly blew off her head when SOMEONE (wink wink nudge nudge) failed to turn on the lights at the right time. This prompted Sasha to sing "LIGHTS! Somebody's gonna get fired" (at the 0:45 mark) before she continued to have an ass seizure onstage.

Well, Basement Baby got her shot and effed it up. We know who's back in the basement this morning, fighting with her mouse friends over the last biscuit crumb.

And after watching that clip above, why do I feel like I've seen this show before in front of Treasure Island in Las Vegas.?

(Thanks Fadhil)

Beyonce was playing a show in Vienna the other day, so a local radio station decided to play a little prank. They pretended to be her manager and called up the Albertina museum to schedule a private tour for Sasha Fierce. The museum fell for it and everything was set. While the real Beyonce was out shopping in Vienna for manes from local horses, the fraudulent one went to the museum. The museum gave Sasha Fake a tour, but quickly figured out something in the milk wasn't clean. A rep for the museum said, "Her face was extremely similar, but her body was totally different."

Er...what? Look at that bitch above! I look more like Beyonce than she does?! I'm guessing Basement Baby was handcuffed to the basement radiator as punishment for that other prank, because she would've done this shit for free. Basement Baby works for relevancy! Even that dog knows what's up. He can't even look at that fake ass bitch.

The fake Sasha Fierce isn't much of a Beyonce impersonator, but if Holly Robinson Peete crawls out from under her rock and needs a body double for whatever reason, this chick is the one. And if the dude she's with ever tires of showing art to bootleg celebrity doppelgangers, he can get a job as a Dolph Lundgren double.

Source VIA Idolator

....and that someone is also holding the master key to Solange's basement door. Daddy Knowles step up to the podium and take your bow! Thanks to your furious buying of every available movie ticket to Obsessed, Beyonce's shit flick was #1 at the box office with $28.5 million in sales! That shit is nothing but a drop in the basement for the Knowles family. Daddy Knowles just took it out of Beyonce's monthly wig allowance.

Obsessed is the seventh-best opening ever for the month of April.

If you ask me, it would've done better if they would've gone with their original title OH NO SHE DIDN'T. I am not lie-telling, that really was the original title and it makes more sense. I am ashamed to admit that I dropped down 12 dollars to see this wreck yesterday. I didn't even sneak in. I paid actual money! If I wasn't flying high on a green cloud, I would've walked out of that mess and straight into Fighting to see some half-nekkid Carol Channing Tatum or whatever the hell his name is.

If you're planning to see Beyonce's ode to caca, then I suggest you slide in 20-minutes before the movie ends. That's when the catfight scene goes down and it's the only semi-entertaining part of that shit. Mostly because you'll sit there wondering why Beyonce's weave isn't flying across the room after Ali Larter is yanking on it. It's impressive. They probably kept it down with "I'll Show You KRAZY Glue." Beyonce should market that shit.

Here's how the rest of the weekend's box office went down:
1. Obsessed - $28.5 million
2. 17 Again - $11.7 million
3. Fighting - $11.4 million
4. The Soloist - $9.7 million
5. Earth - $8.5 million
6. Monster Vs. Aliens - $8.5 million
7. State of Play - $6.9 million
8. Hannah Montana - $6.4 million
9. Fast and Furious - $6.1 million
10. Crank: High Voltage - $2.4 million

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