Beyonce

Because making your first public appearance in the pages of a magazine is so average (see: Suri in Vanity Fair), Blue Ivy Carter has graced the eyes of the masses for the first time on her own Tumblr page and she's already a genius since she scribbled this handwritten note out:

We welcome you to share in our joy. Thank you for respecting our privacy at this time in our lives.
-The Carter Family.

I think we can all exhale now that we know that Beyonce's genes won the battle. I see a whole lot of Mama Tina and even a drop of Ashanti (that's for all you pillow baby conspiracy theorists). I also see a little bit of my Salvadoran tia after she got all her hair chopped off at Supercuts, but that's a story for another day. Speaking of hair, that baby has so much of it! That baby's hair is laid like Jesus. Or she could already be fooling us all by having the best lace front in the game.

But seriously, I'm a little disappointed by these pictures of our new messiah. I mean, where's her halo halo?

Beyonce and Jay-Z are making it clear that if anybody's going to make money off of their chosen one, it's going to be their asses. A few days after Blue Ivy Carter became the only baby born on earth (It's true. All our birth certificates are now null and void since B.I.C. is the only human that matters.), several hos tried to trademark her full name to use on a line of baby products. Those trademarks were stamped with a giant red DENIED and the trademark office said that the name already belonged to the most famous human on the planet. According to The Washington Post, Beyonce and Jay-Z are trying to stop future trademark filings by reserving the name Blue Ivy Carter for a future line of baby cosmetics (the fuck?), diaper bags, strollers and all sorts of other tacky baby shit.

One expert thinks Beyonce and Jay-Z's application will be approved right away since parents have the right to trademark the names of their underage kids. Another expert is side-eyeing all of this, because he thinks Beyonce and Jay-Z are getting special treatment since their application has been fast-tracked.

Two things: Welcome to Planet Bey-Z, second expert. Of course, Beyonce and Jay-Z are getting special treatment. The line always forms behind them and the phrase "take a number" is as foreign to them as natural sunlight is to Basement Baby. Second, I love how Beyonce and Jay-Z are really trying to act like they're just doing this to stop shady whores from making $$$ off their baby and they have no interest in putting out a line of baby product products. We all know that the shelves of Babies 'R Us will be soon covered with B.I.C. baby lace fronts and B.I.C. baby bodysuits with the words "Suri Who?" bedazzled on them.

In other Jay-Z news, if you're in the mood for an eye seizure, try to sit through Jay-Z and Kanye's video for N*ggas in Paris. WARNING: You might want to smoke a bowl of Blue Ivy Kush (no trademark) before entering strobe light fuckery hell.

Just a month after the reincarnation of God, Blue Ivy Carter, descended onto earth on the back of a platinum Pegasus, Beyonce stuffed herself into a Spanx cocoon last night to make her first public appearance at Jay-Z's charity concert at Carnegie Hall and the after-party at 40/40. The conspiracy theorists are straightening their tin foil wigs and screaming "DEM HIPS DO LIE!" while holding up their magnifying glasses to find concrete proof that Beyonce recycled her Tempur-Pedic baby into hip padding.

There are clearer pictures here that Dlisted's accountant (aka the receipt from the street ATM machine downstairs) tell me I can't afford and those pictures make me believe that those widened hips definitely made way for something and those titty balls are probably filled with sparkling leche (B.I.C. doesn't drink anything else). What I'm trying to say is that I'm pretty sure B.I.C. came from in there.

But wait. Do your hips still assume the birthin' position if you had a C-section? Cue up the 48 Hours Mystery theme song and hand me a piece of Reynolds Wrap. I'm not ready for a full-on tin foil hat, but I might be ready for a tin foil scrunchie.

Not to be outdone by the monument to Basement Baby made by basement mice using moth balls, shredded cardboard and stuffed animal stuffing, a company called Armdeonce Ventures (aka Mama Tina's cousins) is looking for donations to build an homage to the greatest thing that has happened to Houston since the Beer Can House.

Never mind that Syracuse already has erected a mighty Beyonce monument, why donate to such worthy causes as homelessness, hongray children, abused animals and Basement Baby's "Get Out of the Basement" fund when you can donate to a useless piece of shit cause like building a tribute to Blue Ivy's mother. Every Houstonian who doesn't have the last name Knowles is making the same face Beyonce is making in the picture above over this fucked up news.

Marcus Mitchell and Steve White of Armdeonce Ventures tell MyFox Houston that city has already approved their plans and now they're just trying to scrape up the money so they can build their Beyonce monument by the end of this year. This is what Marcus said when explaining his plans and I'm just going to go ahead and assume this ho has been sniffing a whole lot of wig glue lately.

“Our biggest thing is a lot of people get honored when they die, so our goal is to why not honor people why they're still here? We felt as though it’s her time to be honored. We wanted to construct, like, a massive hall so as the doors open, if you donated to the monument, you'll have a separate nameplate. There will be clips of Beyonce with Destiny’s Child and wardrobe like a mini museum. We’ve gotten support from the city of Houston, from the mayor. We’re waiting for a very nice letter from the mayor right now.”

On a positive note, Houston's Beyonce monument will be the final signal the rapture will need to eat the earth from the outside in.

If Marcus and Steve really want to honor Beyonce, they should "borrow" an obscure monument from a European country and slap her name on it. That is the ultimate tribute.

(Thanks Nikki & Jazzfish)

Seen here getting a serious whiff of a lucky piece of his ego that escaped out of his butthole and slipped up to freedom through his legs, Jay-Z left Blue Ivy Carter at home with Beyonce (and a team of nannies, and a chef who specializes in gourmet-flavored tit leche, and a choreographer who specializes in teaching newborns how to kick with the beat, and a voice teacher who specializes in teaching newborns how to burp with vibrato, and a gold miner who specializes in sifting through the caca lumps of a chosen one to find D-class diamonds) to hold court at the grand re-opening of his club 40/40 in NYC last night.

Had I known that Jay-Z was coming outside, I would've staged a pro-bitch rally and thrown proud bitches (like my friend Jesse, my friend Dr. Jennifer, every Dlisted commenter, a couple of my neighbors and a few my relatives) at him as he walked the carpet. LONG LIVE BITCHES! But there was no need for that, because Jay-Z told reporters that he did not write the anti-bitch poem and "bitch" will still make an appearance on his tongue (insert your own Kanye's booty hole joke here).

That whole anti-bitch poem seemed suspect to me from the very beginning and I knew it had to be as fake as the smile Beyonce makes when she congratulates Michelle Williams for having the #10 single in Uzbekistan. "Bitch" has made Jay-Z a whole lot of gold bars and if there's something he respects above EVERYTHING it's MONAAAY HONEY BOO-BOO CHILD.

Here's a few pictures of all the A-listers who set 40/40 on fire with their bright shining star power last night: Jay-Z, me in drag, Ashatni, Spike Lee, the Staten Island Peg Bundy and Selita Ebanks.

A natural reaction to this new promo picture for Beyonce's last album is:

Because that looks like Beyonce as much as this pasty fat blob of depressing feelings over my stomach looks like Serena Williams' 10-pack. But some bitches aren't mad because the "Harpo, who dis woman?" Photoshop tool was abused during the making of this picture. They're mad because they say Beyonce was whitewashed AGAIN. Over three years ago, L'Oreal was accused of giving Beyonce whiteface filipinoface and now the #1 newspaper in Fuckeryville, The Daily Mail, says she might be at it again. They brought out some comments from 2008 that a writer for the Daily Mail made about how Beyonce is bad for Black and Asian girls:

"Too many black and Asian children grow up understanding the sad truth that to have dark skin is to be somehow inferior. Of course, black and Asian parents work hard to give their children a positive self-image and confidence in their appearance, despite the cultural forces stacked against them. But when black celebrities appear to deny their heritage by trying to make themselves look white, I despair for the youngsters who see those images."

But the DM also spoke to some "expert" who said that Beyonce's lighter skin color in the picture above could be from bright lights on her face and shit. To me, that's exactly what's going on here. It's just a light! Specifically, it's just Beyonce glowing inside from the illuminated seed of infinite light that Jay-Z jizzed into her. Either that or Beyonce was too busy shopping for South American baby ovens at the time of this photo shoot and so she asked my Cuban friend Armando to do his best Kylie Minogue drag for this picture.

(New York GIF via RealityTVGifs)

TMZ posted a few pictures of the much-bitched about luxury birthing suite at Lenox Hill Hospital where Blue Ivy Carter cleansed the world's sins and SAVED THE MUSIC INDUSTRY!!! by being born. And, well....

Okay, my mom's an ultrasound tech and when I was just a young gay who was fascinated with sonogram jelly (no comment), I'd go to work with her on the weekends. There were so many times that I'd go into the maternity wing and walk right into a woman turning inside/out on a stretcher while going into labor right there in the hallway, because all the rooms were busy. IN THE HALLWAY. I could practically smell the disgusted fear from the almost-born newborn who knew to keeps its eyes shut, because it didn't want its first sight on earth to be that of a fat motherfucker flashing his ass crack while bending over to pull a Rocky Road bar out of the vending machine. Yeah, their waiting room vending machine had Rocky Road bars in it. Kind of fancy, right? But that's not the point! Beyonce's suite is 5 million steps above staring at an old man slowly stirring powdered creamer into his vending machine coffee while a human baby explodes out of your vagina, but it's not what I expected.

Lenox Hill denies that the rooms were renovated just for Beyonce and Jay-Z, but they do admit that she christened it. They are lying. You know Beyonce and Jay-Z slipped a bar of gold into those Lenox Hill's pockets to rid the sixth floor of the smell of dried birth blood and random cheese. But this is the best they could come up with? Where's the alligator floor tiles? Where's the hologram of Kanye West telling Beyonce that's she going to have the best birth of all time? Where's the trapdoor to throw the surrogate into after they're done with her? Where's the easel for an artist to paint portraits of the entire birth on (videotaping is for peons)? Where's all of that? This almost looks like a junior suite at the Radisson. How dreadful.

Blue Ivy is barely a week old and she already knows what the emotion called embarrassing feels like. If this suite was on TripAdvisor, the first review would be:

(H)B.I.C. - "I squeezed myself through a pussy canal for this one star shit?!"

Suri Cruise has long been the reigning child princess of spoiled luxury and a jewel was added to her crown when she allegedly put together a $100,000 Christmas list, but that jewel has just been snatched away by 8-second-old Blue Ivy Carter. B.I.C. won't even roll out of her crib for a pile of $100,000 gifts. B.I.C. shits on $100,000. I mean that literally, because I'm sure her diapers are made of £50 notes. Britain's Star Magazine (via SS) says that Blue Ivy Carter is slobbering and barfing on the gaudiest shit Beyonce and Jay-Z's money can buy.

As the ATM tells you to fuck off when you try to take $10 out (like me, you know which ATMs spit out tens) for lunch today, think about Blue Ivy Carter rocking on a tacky ass horse that costs more than your house before you bite on a live electrical wire. This is the list of Veruca Salt-approved shit that's in Blue Ivy Carter's life:

A Swarovski-studded high chair by Carla Monchen - $15,000
A Fantasy Posh Tots Coach Carriage Crib - $22,000
A gold handmade rocking horse by Ginza Tanaka - $600,000
A windmill playhouse - $30,000
A lucite crib - $35000

The source adds that Blue Ivy already has a designer wardrobe worth thousands and a diamond rattle from Tiffany & Co. Beyonce and Jay-Z also spent $350,000 on cloning Blue Ivy's Manhattan nursery in their other homes. The daughter of the 1% has been born!

We should probably stage an OCCUPY BLUE IVY'S NURSERY protest, but I think it's best that we instead use our energies on sending good thoughts (and our live savings) to Suri during this difficult time. Suri is wearing this season Chanel heels and Blue Ivy is wearing NEXT season someshiticantevenpronounce booties. Suri has a full-time personal hairstylist who lives in her bathroom and Blue Ivy has a weave garden of grown women who are each growing their hair out just for her. Suri gets carried everywhere by humans since her feet are too precious to touch sidewalk and Blue Ivy is never going to even look at the sidewalk since she's going to travel around in a platinum-plated iHovercraft pod created by the late Steve Jobs. What I'm trying to say is that SURI CRUISE IS POOR!!! We should pray.

And this story gets 5 out of 5 Angry Suris.

Since Dlisted has turned into Beylisted today, here's a final one to tip you over and pour you out. Releasing a new song featuring Blue Ivy's wailing debut (Side note: The song has already gone quadruple platinum and is a frontrunner for the Nobel Peace Prize) wasn't enough for Beyonce and Jay-Z, so they have thrown themselves on top of the media again and released a statement. Beyonce wants to put a shush on the rumor that she had a scheduled C-section and says in the statement that a chocha did burst open for the reincarnation of Jesus.

"We are happy to announce the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, born on Saturday, January 7, 2012. Her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful – we are in heaven. She was delivered naturally at a healthy 7 lbs. It was the best experience of both of our lives. We are thankful to everyone for all your prayers, well wishes, love and support."

Meanwhile, Lenox Hill gave birth to their own statement that answered to the rumor that Beyonce and Jay-Z paid them $1.3 million to redecorate and shut down an entire wing.

"The suggestion that the couple paid $1.3 million to rent an entire maternity floor is simply not true. The family is housed in an executive suite at the hospital and is being billed the standard rate for those accommodations.

The family does have its own security detail on site. However, the hospital has been and continues to be in control of managing all security at the facility. We have made every effort to ensure minimal disruption to other families experiencing the births of their own children over the past three days."

And the rep went on, "And the $1.3 million the Carters DID NOT give us DID NOT go toward naming a wing on the sixth floor after their child. That "The Blue Ivy Wing" sign made out of diamonds and platinum the workers are currently putting up on the sixth floor has nothing to do with Blue Ivy Carter. The Goddess of Childbirth's real name is Blue Ivy, or some shit. So don't even ask!"

Meanwhile, as the Three Kings deliver trunks full of jewels to Blue Ivy, Basement Baby used her last dollar to buy a Baby Ruth from the waiting room vending machine and it got stuck. Basement Baby is still in the basement even when she's on the sixth floor. #solangeshrug

While Michelle Williams hears nothing but the sound of a tumbleweave blowing down the lonely road when she asks "Whose butt do I have to much to get my song played?!", Blue Ivy Carter just has to be born to get some airplay. Just two days after Blue Ivy caused chaos at Lenox Hill, Jay-Z has released a new single called "Glory (Ft. B.I.C.)" where he confesses that Beyonce had a miscarriage before. Here's all the lyrics courtesy of Jezebel:

The most amazing feeling I feel
Words can't describe what I'm feeling, for real
Baby paint the sky blue
My greatest creation was you

False alarms and false starts
All made better by the sound of your heart
All the pain of the last time
I prayed so hard it was the last time
Your mama said that you danced for her
Did you wiggle your ass for her?
Glory!

Bad-ass lil Hov
two years old, shopping on Saville Row
Wicked-ass lil B
Hard not to spoil you rotten, looking like lil me
The most beautifullest thing in this world
Is daddy's little girl
You don't yet know what swag is
But you was made in Paris
And mama woke up the next day
And shouted out the package (?!)
Last time the miscarriage was so tragic
We was afraid you'd disappear
But naw, baby, you magic

"Did you wiggle your ass for her?" I'm not a mother to a newborn messiah, but I'm pretty sure she's wiggling her ass, because she wants the nanny (Basement Baby) to change her House of Derriere diaper. And the crying at the end?! The Grammy committee is probably holding an emergency meeting as a fart this out to come up with a way to give Blue Ivy Carter some kind of special award.

The one thing this song tells me is that we're never ever ever going to stop hearing about this baby. Hell, I can't even take a hit from my bong without looking at my BIC lighter and seeing Blue Ivy Carter instead of the BIC Man. Well, damn.