Beyonce

...and Obsessed is a crusty piece of weave glue off of Beyonce's head! Beyonce's soon-to-be multiple Razzie winning caca EXTRAVAGANZ-AAAAAA opens in theaters today. The movie wasn't screened for critics, so reviews have barely started trickling in this morning and the consensus is that you should spend your $10 on more important things like four VIP front-row tickets (with backstage passes and open baked potato bar) to Solange's concert in the basement or a Chia Pet.

Every review I've read so far has basically called it a wart on the ass of Basic Instinct 2 and this is exactly why I will probably be the only person in this country to pay actual cash money for this trash. And Papa Knowles using his Gold AMEX to buy thousands of movie tickets doesn't count!

Here's Beyonce at premiere in NYC last night. Beyonce is wearing House of Derrier's 80s catch-all dress! It can take you from prom to wedding to funeral. It's the only dress you'll ever need......if you lived and died in the mid-80s.

If your ear drums shriveled up and died after listening to the unedited board feed from Beyonce's Today performance, it was all in vain. TMZ says it was all a big, fat joke (like most of the wigs laying on Beyonce's head) and someone claims they doctored it for fun. The cookie crumbs totally lead through the basement door and down the stairs.....

The jokester said, "It's a little bit crazy. No one in their right mind would sound like that, and no one would cheer for someone singing like that."

Um....has he heard Kim Zolciak's walrus warble? Wait. Maybe this is really her raw cover of "If I Were A Boy." I hope it's on the b-side of Tightrope.

Matthew Knowles isn't laughing. He issued a pretty hilarious statement. Picture him reading this on the top of a mountain with a flag bearing the Knowles family mascot blowing in the background:

If no one took the time to look at the biggest Inauguration in the history of America then shame on them.

If no one took the time to listen to Beyonce sing 'America the Beautiful' and 'At Last' at the Neighborhood Ball for the first dance of President Obama and the First Lady, and they question Beyonce's vocal ability, they've gotta be an idiot.

At 12 years into her career, the last thing someone should be questioning is her vocal ability.

That would be like questioning if Kobe Bryant could shoot a jump shot. The vocals were obviously altered.

You know what sounds altered? His fucking view of reality! Stick a bong in his mouth, so maybe he'll see the light.

So, I guess it was all a hoax. I can't wait until it's revealed that the entire Knowles family is one big hoax. Put a hoax on it!

If you have a reason to hate your ears this morning, then punish him by listening to this terrorist act on your eardrums. If you've got any hair in your ears you want to get rid of, you can listen to this mess too and that shit will burn off in a quick second. Cancel that laser hair removal appointment!

TMZ posted a clip Howard Stern played yesterday which is supposedly the unedited board feed from Beyonce's performance on Today back in November. A wildebeest getting DPed with two hot curling irons probably sounds more pleasant than this.

This has just become my new ringtone. I can't wait to see bitches run for cover when my phone rings.

Here's a few pictures from Beyonce's I Am....RIDICULOUS tour in Vancouver last night. There's really no explanation for this mess. This was born from a Mugler and a Knowles, so that's explanation enough!

Glittery condom men? The Transformers logo on Beyonce's pussy bone? The Elmer's glue used to keep her lacefront down? I feel like I need to witness this faggotry for myself, but I'm afraid my extreme levels of gayness will clash with the extreme levels of tranniness radiating off of Sasha Fart causing an explosion of weave tracks, face clay, tarantula legs, sequins and coagulated jizz. The world is not equipped.

Where was a fisherman with a big ass net when you needed him?! Ariel is not amused with last night's invasion of mermaid dresses at the Oscars. Beyonce, Melissa George, Marisa Tomei, Monica Cruz, Zac Efron's beard and Diane Lane all wore variations of that shit. I feel like they all needed to be wheeled in on a fake rock. This is Under the Sea shit gone wrong.

These dumb bitches were just asking for an evil whore to trip their sausage-looking asses. They would've come back up with their bare asses hanging out, because a dress like that was not meant to bend over in. I know. How the hell are they supposed to get in some quickie dick time in the bathroom? These are not fun time dresses.

Beyonce doubled the fug with that material. Bitch really looks like she fell into the curtains at the Imperial Palace in Las Vegas and then called it a fucking day.

This is not the response I wanted from Etta James about the "ass whooping" she promised to bestow on Beyonce for singing "At Last" at Obama inauguration. In a telephone interview with the NYDN, Etta said, "I didn't really mean anything. Even as a little child, I've always had that comedian kind of attitude. ... That's probably what went into it."

No, what went into it was a few grams of the bad shit!

Etta went on to say that she felt left out of the Inauguration and that she probably could have sang the song better than Beyonce. When asked about saying Obama has "big ears," she again said she it was all a joke and that she thinks he's handsome. Etta continued, "That might be horrible. The President might not ever like me in life."

I'm guessing that Basement Baby paid Etta a little visit and handed her an envelope. Etta opened it and found a note on Sasha Fierce (made from 100% ego fibers) stationary that said, "It's backtrack time! Love, Daddy Knows." In the envelope was also a stack of unmarked bills and an 8-ball cut with Benefiber. Etta cunt-cunt-can't (c-word slip) say no to an 8-ball.

Etta needs to bring back the cunty old lady I fell in love with. Now that was a good look. The correct response would've been, "Fuck Beyonce! I'm old and I'll say what the fuck I want. Now, are you going to snort that last line?"

May-December catfights are having the best week ever! First, there was La Dunaway vs. the chippy skank known as Hilary Duff. And now we have Etta James vs. Sasha Fierce! Diapers against divas. It is on.

When it was announced Beyonce would sing "At Last" at the presidential inauguration, I nearly turned my head inside out trying to figure out why they just didn't ask Etta instead. Etta feels the same way and bitch is bitter about it. During one of her concerts in Seattle the other night, Etta let it roar! Even Basement Baby hid under her bed in fright.

Etta told the audience, "You know, YOUR President, the one with the big ears-he ain’t my President–had that woman singing for him at his Inauguration. She’s going to get her ass whooped. How dare Beyonce sing MY song that I been singing forever. Now I’m going to sing it for y’all….”

FUCK YES! I felt like I've been dreaming of this moment ever since Beyonce got up there in that tight ass dress and sang Etta's song. Etta will beat the Sasha Fierce right out of Beyonce. And I want a hit of whatever Etta was smoking backstage.

Wait. Did she just diss Obama? Michelle Obama is going to have put all her rings on and tag in.

Below is audio of Etta's threat courtesy of YBF:

(Thanks Traci)

Sasha Fierce strikes again! She totally whispered into the vents, "Soooolaaaaange.... Your destiny is to cover Coldplay.... It is your destiny.... fulfill it." Solange thought the basement voices were speaking to her again and this is how this shit was born. If you stick your ear close to the speaker, you can almost hear Sasha Fierce's haughty laugh because she got Solange again! Damn!

Even though my ear drums will never be the same, I do like Solange's "cramped in the basement" moves. These are the moves she pulls when she's wiggling through the air ducts to escape the basement.

And since we're on the subject of Sasha Fierce's fuckery, here's a bonus clip of an all-stars Single Ladies tribute starring Cubby, Arianna and those three BBWs on THE LOOK AT ME, I"M TY TY BANKS SHOW last week. Ty Ty obviously couldn't afford Shane Mercado's services.

Thanks Eli & Amiee

Or is that cream? Or white? Whatever. Bitches can finally unclench their ass cheeks because Michelle Obama's inauguration gown came out tonight. I can't wait to hear whores on the morning shows tomorrow rant about this from top to bottom. Anyway, it was made by Taiwan-born Jason Wu. I love him because he used to make clothes for Barbie. He still makes Barbies sometimes, but only really fine ones. The kind you'd drink champagne with and talk about art. Elegant ones.

So, when I first saw her dress, I wasn't sure about it. It looked liked a wedding dress Solange would make down in the basement using Charmin rolls, pipe cleaners and cotton balls. But then when she twirled and it sparkled, I felt tingly. It's the gay gene. I see pretty sparkles and I'm suddenly giggling. And get ready to see low-budget knock offs of this dress at weddings, proms and sweet 16 parties.

As expected, Beyonce sang "At Last" for the Obamas first dance. I didn't roll my eyes completely which means it wasn't that bad. I did a half roll and then brought it back. You know Beyonce's inner Sasha Fierce was begging to come out. Beyonce had to hold her back! You could tell she wanted to get all dramatic, rip off her dress and bust some "Single Ladies" moves. Basement Baby was telepathically telling her to "Let Sasha out! Let Sasha out!" That didn't happen and overall I give it a half clap. She's still no Etta James.

Earlier I posted that Beyonce will sing the first dance between Barack and Michelle Obama on inaugural night. The head bitch of the Presidential Inaugural Committee said they were trying to keep it a secret. Well, Beyonce must have ate the memo on accident or something, because she let the secret out.

She issued a statement about it to Entertainment Tonight: "I am so honored that I will be performing for President Obama and the First Lady. To sing 'At Last' while they have their first dance is a dream come true. I could not be more honored and excited that they have asked me to be part of this moment in history."

Beyonce sang that shit at the Kennedy Honors and in that Cadillac Records movie. It sort of sounds like Etta James' version. Well, if Etta had laryngitis and sang that shit while sitting on a shaky dryer with a vibrator on her throat.

And you know Beyonce is going to release another statement that says, "I didn't release that statement! Sasha Fierce did! She can't keep a secret!" Dumb bitch with her multiple personality disorder.