TMZ posted a few pictures of the much-bitched about luxury birthing suite at Lenox Hill Hospital where Blue Ivy Carter cleansed the world's sins and SAVED THE MUSIC INDUSTRY!!! by being born. And, well....
Okay, my mom's an ultrasound tech and when I was just a young gay who was fascinated with sonogram jelly (no comment), I'd go to work with her on the weekends. There were so many times that I'd go into the maternity wing and walk right into a woman turning inside/out on a stretcher while going into labor right there in the hallway, because all the rooms were busy. IN THE HALLWAY. I could practically smell the disgusted fear from the almost-born newborn who knew to keeps its eyes shut, because it didn't want its first sight on earth to be that of a fat motherfucker flashing his ass crack while bending over to pull a Rocky Road bar out of the vending machine. Yeah, their waiting room vending machine had Rocky Road bars in it. Kind of fancy, right? But that's not the point! Beyonce's suite is 5 million steps above staring at an old man slowly stirring powdered creamer into his vending machine coffee while a human baby explodes out of your vagina, but it's not what I expected.
Lenox Hill denies that the rooms were renovated just for Beyonce and Jay-Z, but they do admit that she christened it. They are lying. You know Beyonce and Jay-Z slipped a bar of gold into those Lenox Hill's pockets to rid the sixth floor of the smell of dried birth blood and random cheese. But this is the best they could come up with? Where's the alligator floor tiles? Where's the hologram of Kanye West telling Beyonce that's she going to have the best birth of all time? Where's the trapdoor to throw the surrogate into after they're done with her? Where's the easel for an artist to paint portraits of the entire birth on (videotaping is for peons)? Where's all of that? This almost looks like a junior suite at the Radisson. How dreadful.
Blue Ivy is barely a week old and she already knows what the emotion called embarrassing feels like. If this suite was on TripAdvisor, the first review would be:
(H)B.I.C. - "I squeezed myself through a pussy canal for this one star shit?!"
Suri Cruise has long been the reigning child princess of spoiled luxury and a jewel was added to her crown when she allegedly put together a $100,000 Christmas list, but that jewel has just been snatched away by 8-second-old Blue Ivy Carter. B.I.C. won't even roll out of her crib for a pile of $100,000 gifts. B.I.C. shits on $100,000. I mean that literally, because I'm sure her diapers are made of £50 notes. Britain's Star Magazine (via SS) says that Blue Ivy Carter is slobbering and barfing on the gaudiest shit Beyonce and Jay-Z's money can buy.
As the ATM tells you to fuck off when you try to take $10 out (like me, you know which ATMs spit out tens) for lunch today, think about Blue Ivy Carter rocking on a tacky ass horse that costs more than your house before you bite on a live electrical wire. This is the list of Veruca Salt-approved shit that's in Blue Ivy Carter's life:
A Swarovski-studded high chair by Carla Monchen - $15,000
A Fantasy Posh Tots Coach Carriage Crib - $22,000
A gold handmade rocking horse by Ginza Tanaka - $600,000
A windmill playhouse - $30,000
A lucite crib - $35000
The source adds that Blue Ivy already has a designer wardrobe worth thousands and a diamond rattle from Tiffany & Co. Beyonce and Jay-Z also spent $350,000 on cloning Blue Ivy's Manhattan nursery in their other homes. The daughter of the 1% has been born!
We should probably stage an OCCUPY BLUE IVY'S NURSERY protest, but I think it's best that we instead use our energies on sending good thoughts (and our live savings) to Suri during this difficult time. Suri is wearing this season Chanel heels and Blue Ivy is wearing NEXT season someshiticantevenpronounce booties. Suri has a full-time personal hairstylist who lives in her bathroom and Blue Ivy has a weave garden of grown women who are each growing their hair out just for her. Suri gets carried everywhere by humans since her feet are too precious to touch sidewalk and Blue Ivy is never going to even look at the sidewalk since she's going to travel around in a platinum-plated iHovercraft pod created by the late Steve Jobs. What I'm trying to say is that SURI CRUISE IS POOR!!! We should pray.
And this story gets 5 out of 5 Angry Suris.
Since Dlisted has turned into Beylisted today, here's a final one to tip you over and pour you out. Releasing a new song featuring Blue Ivy's wailing debut (Side note: The song has already gone quadruple platinum and is a frontrunner for the Nobel Peace Prize) wasn't enough for Beyonce and Jay-Z, so they have thrown themselves on top of the media again and released a statement. Beyonce wants to put a shush on the rumor that she had a scheduled C-section and says in the statement that a chocha did burst open for the reincarnation of Jesus.
"We are happy to announce the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, born on Saturday, January 7, 2012. Her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful – we are in heaven. She was delivered naturally at a healthy 7 lbs. It was the best experience of both of our lives. We are thankful to everyone for all your prayers, well wishes, love and support."
Meanwhile, Lenox Hill gave birth to their own statement that answered to the rumor that Beyonce and Jay-Z paid them $1.3 million to redecorate and shut down an entire wing.
"The suggestion that the couple paid $1.3 million to rent an entire maternity floor is simply not true. The family is housed in an executive suite at the hospital and is being billed the standard rate for those accommodations.
The family does have its own security detail on site. However, the hospital has been and continues to be in control of managing all security at the facility. We have made every effort to ensure minimal disruption to other families experiencing the births of their own children over the past three days."
And the rep went on, "And the $1.3 million the Carters DID NOT give us DID NOT go toward naming a wing on the sixth floor after their child. That "The Blue Ivy Wing" sign made out of diamonds and platinum the workers are currently putting up on the sixth floor has nothing to do with Blue Ivy Carter. The Goddess of Childbirth's real name is Blue Ivy, or some shit. So don't even ask!"
Meanwhile, as the Three Kings deliver trunks full of jewels to Blue Ivy, Basement Baby used her last dollar to buy a Baby Ruth from the waiting room vending machine and it got stuck. Basement Baby is still in the basement even when she's on the sixth floor. #solangeshrug
While Michelle Williams hears nothing but the sound of a tumbleweave blowing down the lonely road when she asks "Whose butt do I have to much to get my song played?!", Blue Ivy Carter just has to be born to get some airplay. Just two days after Blue Ivy caused chaos at Lenox Hill, Jay-Z has released a new single called "Glory (Ft. B.I.C.)" where he confesses that Beyonce had a miscarriage before. Here's all the lyrics courtesy of Jezebel:
The most amazing feeling I feel
Words can't describe what I'm feeling, for real
Baby paint the sky blue
My greatest creation was you
False alarms and false starts
All made better by the sound of your heart
All the pain of the last time
I prayed so hard it was the last time
Your mama said that you danced for her
Did you wiggle your ass for her?
Bad-ass lil Hov
two years old, shopping on Saville Row
Wicked-ass lil B
Hard not to spoil you rotten, looking like lil me
The most beautifullest thing in this world
Is daddy's little girl
You don't yet know what swag is
But you was made in Paris
And mama woke up the next day
And shouted out the package (?!)
Last time the miscarriage was so tragic
We was afraid you'd disappear
But naw, baby, you magic
"Did you wiggle your ass for her?" I'm not a mother to a newborn messiah, but I'm pretty sure she's wiggling her ass, because she wants the nanny (Basement Baby) to change her House of Derriere diaper. And the crying at the end?! The Grammy committee is probably holding an emergency meeting as a fart this out to come up with a way to give Blue Ivy Carter some kind of special award.
The one thing this song tells me is that we're never ever ever going to stop hearing about this baby. Hell, I can't even take a hit from my bong without looking at my BIC lighter and seeing Blue Ivy Carter instead of the BIC Man. Well, damn.
Beyonce and Jay-Z bought an entire wing of the sixth floor of Lenox Hill Hospital for $1.3 million, because self-entitlement runs through their veins, and because they didn't want anybody
seeing their South American surrogate being shuttled in getting a picture of their precious Baby Blue Ivy. Their headset-wearing bodyguards trolled the entire floor and stopped any ordinary peon from entering the golden wing of eternal light including a father who just wanted to see his premature twin girls. Neil Coulon tells The New York Daily News that he tried to see his sick girls in the neonatal intensive care unit on the sixth floor, but Jay-Z's goons blocked his way and banished him from the entire floor.
“Three times they stopped me from entering or exiting the NICU (Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit) and it happened once on Friday — just because they wanted to use the hallway. They should have been more strategic about it Tches are children with problems in intensive care and you're just going to take over the hospital like you own it? All I want is an apology.
I know they spent $1.3 million and I'm just a contractor from Bed-Stuy, but the treatment we received was not okay. My wife is just terribly upset. She had a C-section. She gave birth to twins. She is sore. Nobody needs this. This is the NICU. Nobody cares if you’re a celebrity. Nobody is star-gazing. They just want to see their children.
To have that circus roll into town and ruin our parade was unpleasant."
A rep for Lenox Hill said that she's trying to hear Mr. Coulon's complaint, but it's hard to hear him over the sound of a machine counting all the cash that Jay-Z and Beyonce gave them. I'm sure Mr. Coulon will soon receive a postcard from Lenox Hill that reads: Jay-Z and Beyonce gave us money-loving whores $1.3 million, your argument is invalid.
Mr. Coulon had it kind of easy, though. I heard that on Saturday night, every world leader ordered a cease labor on all contracting coochies, because Beyonce refused for her special golden child to be born at the same time as a bunch of regulars!
Click play before proceeding, because this kind of foolery needs a theme song and this is just the theme song for it:
When Beyonce's gold-plated House of Dereoyster slipped out the second coming on a bed of blessed weaves Saturday night, I just knew it was only a matter of time before the Illuminati theories started dropping on the Internet and the Internet hasn't let me down. Beyonce and Jay-Z's daughter's name Blue Ivy (which still sounds like the name of a European porn star or a Los Angeles-area new American bistro with a C rating on its door) probably represents their weird obsession with the number 4. Ivy after IV and Blue after Jay-Z's The Blueprint Project, which he's done 3 of, so Blue Ivy would be his fourth. Yeah, the way they hump on the number 4 is weird, but they're beyond rich and sometimes that kind of money turns a ho into a bona fide crazy.
But the best theory as to why Beyonce and Jay-Z named the golden child Blue Ivy came from Twitter, of course. On Sunday morning, the topic #illuminatisveryoungest started trending after some disciples of fuckery claimed that Eulb Yvi (Blue Ivy backwards) is the name of Lucifer's daughter. Gather brings us this gift wrapped in a ribbon of HAHAHAHAHAs:
It seems that people believe the name "Ivy" stands for "Illuminati's Very Youngest." Why people think this, it's not clear. Maybe because daddy Jay-Z is rumored to be a part of the Illuminati. It's highly unlikely, however, that the ultra-secretive group would allow a newborn to join their ranks. Especially since the Illuminati is said to be a men's only club.
A Twitter user said the following : Rai Mitha (@Rai968): IVY =Illuminati's Very Youngest. Eulb Yvi (her name backwards) is Lucifer's daughter's name in Latin
So basically, if you take Blue Ivy and turn it backwards you get Eulb Yvi, which just so happens to be Lucifer's daughter's name in Latin. Now, that's a weird combination. So, Beyoncé's daughter is not only the Illuminati's Very Youngest, she's also the daughter of Satan? Does that make Jay-Z the devil incarnated?
Eulb Yvi?! That sounds like the name of the illness I'm currently suffering from that's making my b-hole hack up phlegm. I would say that some bitches need less Twitter in their lives, but I don't mean that, because we need more hot-blooded puddles of mess like this. So they're basically trying to say that Beyonce's Baby is the new Rosemary's Baby. I swear, Beyonce is so damn shameless. She's stealing from move plots now! But I still need to see the scene where Beyonce's wig spooks right off of her head when she stares into her House of Dereon stroller and sees a demon child (who has a face like this).
But seriously, after doing some research, I found out that in Latin the name Eulb Yvi actually means JACKSHIT NOTHING! It means nothing. Besides, the real name of Lucifer's daughter is Sirk Rennej.
And while doing research, I also learned that the latin phrase K Leahcim means dim slore in English.
The sound of a South American surrogate screeching out the words "Poner la epidural en él!!!" (Note: Shit translation provided by Google) followed by the faint sound of velcro ripping off was heard around the air space of Lenox Hill in NYC last night when the rightful heir to the House of Derriere throne was born. Yes, that is the reason why your lacefront floated off of your head last night before quickly falling to the floor like it was bowing. It was paying homage to its new Yaki Savior!
The entire Internet prepared for the golden age after the likes or RiRi, Auntie Basement Baby and Russell Simmons Tweeted the birth of Beyonce and Jay-Z's first child, a daughter. Beyonce and Jay-Z have kept their lips shut about this, because they like to confirm shit the real STUNT QUEEN way. You will really know that the golden child here is when Beyonce opens the Grammys next month by riding in on adorned camel (Jay-Z) and placing her daughter in a manger made of golden weaves as back-up dancers dressed like slutty farm animals do the Single Ladies dance around them.
As for the name, E! News has come up with Blue Ivy and UsWeekly says it's Ivy Blue (cut to LeAnn Rimes in a bikini neighing out the words, "Did somebody say Bluuuuuuuu-ooooh-ooh?". I know both of those names sound like the name of an Eastern European porn star who is trying to make it in the US, but it has REAL meaning! Beyonce and Jay-Z slobber all over the number 4. They were both born on the 4th and they were married on the 4th. IV = 4. (Sidenote: That surrogate is never going to surrogate in this town AGAIN, because bitch was supposed to push out Baby Blue Ivy on the 4th. BABY OVEN FAIL!)
And even though Beyonce and Jay-Z rented out the entire fourth floor of Lenox Hill, forced all employees to hand over their cell phones and taped over the security cameras to keep hos from getting a picture of the new Jesus, Dlisted managed to get an EXCLUSIVE first look at Blue Ivy:
No, no. Princess Blue Ivy will make her picture debut on the cover of a limited-edition version of the Bible. (The cover of People Magazine is for peons.) Check your local pew!
I hope they name it "Sobakawa Carter." Beyonce has reportedly checked into NYC's St. Luke's Roosevelt Hospital on the Upper West Side to unstrap that BABIES!!! stand-in pillow. I kid, because unless she's been eating her and husband Jay-Z's weight in Taco Bell as a cover, she's got to be with child.
CBS News (by way of Media Takeout) says that a "celebrity VIP" is taking up half of the hospital's labor and delivery suite. It's supposed to be big enough to fit "three deliveries and a dozen overnight guests". Camera crews to record every second of this baby's birth for photo sales take up a shitload of room!
We will keep you posted. Or Sweetas and I will. Michael K. just texted us from an Italian jail. He didn't get arrested, he's just there looking for especially skeevy dick.
If this IS some faked pregnancy shit, I have questions. How in hell are they going to sneak that illegal immigrant girl into the hospital and fix her under Beyonce so it looks like the actual human child is coming out of Sasha Fierce's wooka and not the surrogate's? This poor thing has been holed up in a secret apartment under the pseudonym of "LeToya Luckett" and now she's about to meet B face-to-back-of-head! There's going to be some slapstick juggling when they try to get that Serta Memory Foam Pillow Beyonce has had strapped to her out of the way so they can hand Jay-Z the baby. You be sure and get that check for going through all this fuckery, illegal immigrant broodmare girl!
I had to fall back in my chair a bit and tilt my head to the side to make sure Necole Bitchie didn't get it wrong and mislabel this as Beyonce instead of a light-skinned Mo'Nique in a luxurious new mane. But yeah, some employee of a Vancouver department store took this picture of Beyonce from a surveillance camera (yeah, I guess we're doing that now) as she shopped earlier this week. This picture of Beyonce looking so swole that I'm surprised her wig didn't pop off should shut down the vicious talk that she's keeping a South American surrogate in a Tribeca apartment, but I'm not buying it.
Beyonce obviously Jessica Simpson-ized one of her pictures by running it through the FatBooth app, then she Photoshopped it over the background of a Vancouver department store and leaked it herself! Either that or she got reverse lipo on her face and won't leave her house unless she's wearing one of Tyler Perry's Madea fat suits. Yup, both of those theories are totally plausible and reasonable. There's really no shame in Beyonce's STUNT QUEEN game.
Of course, the official statement from Beyonce's publicist is that this man was completely bald and he traveled 3,000 miles to her DVD release party in NYC and begged her to let him touch the dome of infinite light protecting her unborn golden child. Beyonce is nothing but a giver, so she nodded out a yes and as soon as his finger tips touched her skin, wig hair sprouted out of his head and pushed his beanie off. A wig miracle! Yes, I'm sure this is the story according to the House of Dereon and I believe every word of it. We should all pray.....