Kelly Rowland was almost deported back down to the basement after she dropped the gender of the unborn wig messiah during a red carpet interview, and so she knew she had to diffuse the rage in Beyonce's eyes with something sparkly. That's where this mess of a bedazzled baby bathtub comes in. ABC News heard that Kelly spent $5,200 on a baby-sized porcelain tub from designer Lori Gardner and gave it to Beyonce as a baby shower gift. The Liberace Jr. special takes 2 months and 44,928 Swarovski crystals to make. It weighs more than 3,000 pounds.
Jay-Z and Beyonce are allegedly building a 2,200 square foot nursery in their Tribeca apartment and so this 1% of bathtubs is merely just a dim twinkle on the mound of tacky extravaganza their baby will sit on top of. Still, some of the old members of Destiny's Child are cursing life for not falling out of Beyonce's vagina as they scrub their pits in a Rubbermaid trash can full of hose water in their backyards (been there!).
I was going to write that at least those crystals will give Beyonce's au pair something shiny to focus on when her baby butt burps a tub turd, but then I remembered that the golden child of infinite light is probably going to shit Swarovski crystals anyway.
Beyonce was supposed to announce the sex of her unborn ball of infinite golden light by shooting out of a pink diamond-encrusted cannon into a ring of pink fireworks as water dancers wearing pink mermaid tails swim in a pool of pink champagne while spelling out the words "IT'S A GIRL!" with glitter-dipped pink flamingo legs, but that's not going to happen anymore. Destroy the cannon, kill the water dancers and drain the pool, because Kelly Rowland has ruined it for everybody.
During an interview with Bang Showbiz (via People) on Thursday night, Kelly let everyone know in so many words that the case covering Beyonce's pillow baby is light pink and covered with tiny rhinestone vaginas. Here's the words that made Tina Knowles scream out, "I should've snipped that traitor tramp's tongue while I had the chance!" over her cauldron in the witching room of the House of Dereon:
"I have no idea what I'm going to buy Beyoncé at the baby shower because Jay is going to buy that little girl every single thing possible."
Kelly Rowland is a judge on the UK's X-Factor, is the biggest star in Liechtenstein, or some shit, and was very close to earning a permanent "Stay Out Of The Basement" card. But then she had to go and fuck it all up. X-Factor will replace her with another one of Destiny's children any day now and her name will be erased from iTunes FOREVER! The only time you'll be able to hear her voice is when you put your ear up to the basement window at the end of the night to her hear sing "Castle on a Cloud" with Basement Baby.
Here's Beyonce smiling a "that bitch is gonna get it" smile while walking to some building in NYC yesterday.
To keep bitches from turning her into the authorities for once again committing felony grand thievery, Beyonce already admitted that New Edition's "If It Isn't Love" video and the moves of the Jackson 5 were the main inspirations for her video "Love On Top" (more like "Tits On Top"). That acknowledgement better have been made in the form of a royalty check to Johnny Gill, Detective La Toya and Tama the Station Master Cat. You didn't think I was going to ignore the fact that Borrowyonce paid "homage" to Tama by wearing her favorite hat. Nope, nothing is sacred to the House of Dairy Own!
This video is a lot more entertaining if split your stares between Beyonce's nip slip threats and the hot piece yodeler in the blue tank. Beyonce has proven that she can clone almost anything, so can she please clone that panty creaming dancer and slip him into my lube drawer.
I almost titled this "You Can't Keep A Good Bump Down," but I am trying hard (and failing, obviously) to not use the bump word to describe the fetus super dome of knocked up ladies. Remember in the good ole' days when hearing the word "bump" made your nostrils salivate as you ran to the men's bathroom of some club to get a quick snort of some gross shit that's used to put cats to sleep? Now hearing the word "bump" makes you think of babies kicking in wombs and shit. Cokeheads and tweekers need to take the word back from the BABIES!!! The babies take everything. I swear, even the word "bump" has gotten the Disney treatment. I blame Rudy Julie Annie (it's Saturday, I'm not about to Google the correct spelling).
Anyway, here's Beyonce in NYC throwing a fake Texas pageant smile at all the speculating hos who are sniffing at her stomach to see if it smells like burnt goose down feathers and rubber. Wait. Maybe that's not a fake Texas pageant smile, maybe that's a pregnancy fart smile. Which leads me to this wonderful butt jewel I found on Yahoo! Answers while researching pregnancy farts ("I am so proud of you!" - my mom):
"I have gas bad all the time and when I let out a big airy fart it feels sooo good! My husband hates the smell, but its so nice....that deflating feeling and seeing how loud you can make it sound. Plus it makes me giggle to see my husband run away from the blast....usually its the other way around.
I dont want to have sex, so it also comes in handy. When he tries to get it on I jut let some juicy ones rip and then I can relax again. One time I farted and left the house to meet him at the office, we came back to the house and when he walked in he gagged from the lingering smell. I was so proud!
Tell me, do you enjoy your farts as much as I do?"
The Internet: a special place where you don't have to feel so alone about your love of pregnancy farts.
Last night I spent a good couple of hours reading the comments on here and on other blogs to see what kind of conspiracy theories you tinfoil wig-wearing hos came up with to explain Beyonce's fold-away bump. That shit is priceless.
Someone said that Jay-Z probably knocked up some groupie trick 5 months ago and there must not be a stain on The House of Dereon, so Beyonce's pulling a Bree Van de Kamp and pretending to be pregnant. The groupie is living in the basement under Basement Baby's basement and when she gives birth, Beyonce will sweep in, collect the child and throw a stack of gold coins at the ho. Somebody else (who obviously is too reasonable for the internet) said that it's just the dress playing tricks on us. And another theory is that Beyonce isn't naturally showing that much, so she strapped on a booster bump to look bigger for publicity reasons. I could dribble out a thousand more theories, but you should really read them for yourselves. Just bring up any blog that posted this mess and read away. It makes for better toilet reading than the back of a lube bottle does.
I never thought that Beyonce would ever spread her weave wings and float down from her rocking high horse to address this foolery, but she has. Sort of! The rumor made it all the way to ABC News and they asked her rep about this and the response was:
“Stupid, ridiculous and false.”
Wait. Is the rep saying "ridiculous and false" to the rumors or is she saying that Beyonce is "ridiculous and false" for wearing a House of Dereon memory foam bump? THE MYSTERY CONTINUES (not really)!!!!
Sandra Rose posted these hilarious screen shots from Beyonce's appearance on Sunday Night HD last night and as she sits down for the interview the holy skin cocoon protecting the unborn golden child completely collapses. HAHA. Sandra says that ever since Beyonce pulled the ultimate STUNT QUEEN move by unveiling her bump in dramatic queen fashion at the VMAs, conspiracy theorists have been whispering on the Internet that she's faking it and Basement Baby's afro is the one carrying her baby and will give birth to it in February. I grew up thinking that Dynasty was real life, so I love scandalous shit like this, but let me throw out a few theories as to what's really going on.
1. The unborn golden child is so special that it can only grow in Beyonce's butt.
2. The unborn golden child is so special that Beyonce has to wear a protective pad to keep it safe.
3. This is just marketing for House of Dereon's new line of memory foam bumps.
4. Nicole Kidman wasn't available when Beyonce asked if she could give her private lessons on how a skilled professional wears a pillow baby to perfection.
5. This is completely natural and I have no idea what I'm talking about (as usual) since I've only been pregnant with whoopie pie babies that later became poop babies.
6. Stealyonce strikes again and stole this idea from Desperate Housewives!
And here's the video of Beyonce's bump in motion. Yeah, I didn't know J.R. Ewing became Australian either.
See, something in the amniotic fluid ain't creole! Somebody get MythBusters on the case!
(Thanks to everybody who sent this in)
Beyonce's (I'm too lazy to put a fancy accent on that e and bitch is from Houston!) video for "Countdown" is obviously made of equal parts Funny Face, Flashdance, a Gap commercial and a bunch of other things she watched while she heaved the morning sicks into a diamond-encrusted barf bin on her platinum throne bed. But somebody has put together this comparison video that I am presenting to the court as EXHIBIT A! The video is accusing Beyonce of copy and pasting the work of Belgian choreographer Anne Teresa De Keersmaeker and there's some shots that are almost identical.
This isn't the first time that Beyonce has been accused of sending Basement Baby to lift some shit in the middle of the night. When she was accused of Xerox copying the performance of an Italian pop star for her Billboard Music Awards performance, she said that she hired the same guy to do it and so it wasn't stealing.
But the evidence this time is obviously there. Lady Copy + Paste must've taught Stealyonce everything she knows. Charge her with felony grand theft, throw a Cell Block of Dereon jumpsuit on her body, plop a wig from the commissary on her head and lock her up! But mostly I'm just saying that because I really want the unborn golden child of music to be a prison baby.
If Stanley Donen directed an American Apparel commercial starring an Audrey Hepburn impersonator he bought off of Craigslist, it might look like Beyonce's video for "Countdown." One second it's Funny Face, then it's a Wrigley's commercial, then it's an Old Navy commercial, then it's Bye Bye Birdie, then it's like a Gap Khakis ad come to life. Basically, this video is homage-ing from every one of its video pores. And Beyonce's face twitches tell me that her unborn golden child is kicking so damn hard that it's sending vibrations up her spinal cord to her brain. If that isn't a baby's way of saying "have a seat," then I don't know what is.
I give this Audreyonce video 3 out of 5 screaming Basement Babies.
You can tell me that inhaling asbestos popcorn from my mom's ceiling has turned me sensitive to the struggles of basement dwellers and shit, but I'm still going to say that I actually like everything on Solange from the top of her small-sized Troy Polamalu weave to her Salvation Army bin pumps. (Don't spray me with insulation foam!) It makes me want to watch some Nick at Nite circa early 90s (not the shit they show today). It's very "going to a fondue/key party at The Lindstroms." But Beyonce on the other hand.....
What in stacks of waffle cups hell is that skirt?!
Beyonce is OBVIOUSLY carrying the golden child in her sacred womb and yet she desecrates her bump by making it look like the shower section at Bed, Bath and Beyond?! That mess looks like a giant loofah sponge wrapped in torn pieces of a white shower puff. To make a few extra coins, Basement Baby should've used Beyonce's skirt to scrub the calluses out of a ho's feets and wipe their jam off with that white part. That skirt is definitely missing some dead foot skin and boil bits. Basement Baby's Sidewalk Pedicure Shop! Even my ass would stand in line for that.
Announcing you've got a womb full of baby on the cover of People Magazine or in a Tweet is way too simple and bougie for Beyonce. Bitch always likes to do things get extra. And so at the MTV VMAs tonight, Beyonce swept in wearing a curtain from LaQuinta Inn and dramatically said it all by framing her holy baby cocoon. The sky opened up, everybody fell to their knees, Solange let out a holler from the basement that sounded like angels burping in unison and Three Kings rode in on Jay-Z. It was like the pre-show for the second coming. Or maybe none of that happened and everybody just looked at Beyonce like, "Bitch, why are you posing like my fat uncle after Thanksgiving dinner when he wants to show everyone how much crap he ate?"
People says that Beyonce cradled her bump (that's not even bigger than my gut when I try to suck in during lights-on fuck time) and said that "she's got a surprise." Beyonce's rep also confirmed that the seed of Jay-Z is alive and well in Beyonce's Womb of Derriere.
Beyonce announcing it like a true STUNT QUEEN is just hilarious. Beyonce knew that everybody would lose their shit, shove it back up their asses and lose it again if she just coyly held it like that. I'm surprised a chorus of angel cherubs carrying adorable bundles of wigs with lips on them weren't dancing around her. That being said, let's all hail Beysus Jayssiah Oprah Carter Knowles (that's totally what she's going to name it).