Oprah

Too busy to live? Well, Oprah is too busy to pose for the covers of her own magazine. The Mighty O has been on every cover since 2000 and she's sick of that shit! That's what Page Six claims anyway.

A source told them, "Oprah has told the editors at O magazine she's tired of being on the cover every month. It's a pain. It takes a lot of time and energy and she's sick of it. She's given them six months to figure out what to do without her."

Hmm...I say they should go to the next letter in the alphabet and change the name of the magazine to P. That way international supermodel Phoebe Price can be on the cover each week. I'm joking! Don't throw salmonella-laced cutlets at me!

A rep for the magazine said this shit is a bold-faced lie and that Oprah will continue to pose for covers.

How hard could it be to get your picture taken once or twice a month? If it's really such a hassle, Oprah should get herself cloned. Or she can just pay for Gayle King to have plastic surgery to look just like her. I'm sure Gayle would queef at the chance to be Oprah's twin.

And since I mentioned Chicken Cutlets in this post, it would be illegal for me not to include some stunning photos of her. Here she is posing with her dog and a magazine while out in Beverly Hills yesterday. Seriously, that dog can't wait to fucking feast on her cutlets while she sleeps. Look at him sniffing and shit.

You already know this, but I'll tell you anyway. Oprah richer than all of us combined times a hundred. Shit, times a hundred thousand. TVGuide has put out their annual list of the riches whores in television and it's no surprise that Oprah came out on top.

She reportedly makes $385 million a year in TV shit ALONE. No wonder Gayle King has stuck around so long. I'd lick Oprah's vag sweat too if she gave me even 1% of her fortune.

What the hell do you do with all that money? I mean, I feel like we should all get together and sue her for some stupid reason. We can sue her for being too rich. Her wealth has caused us to feel bad about ourselves and we can't work because of it. She'll probably settle right away. Then we can take our settlement, buy an island, build a lucite mansion with a chicken cutlet garden, hire a dozen cholitas to entertain us and live the rest of our lives in heavenly bliss. Make it happen.

Other dumb skanks on the list include:

Simon Cowell - $50 million a year
David Letterman - $35 million a year
Charlie Sheen - $825k per episode for "Two and a Half Men"
William Peterson - $600k per episode for "CSI"
Mariska Hargitay - $400k per episode for "Law & Order: SVU"
The Simpsons cast - $400k per episode
Kyra Sedgwick - $275k per episode for "The Closer"

Screw all of those whores! They may have a ton of money, but they don't have what we have. Oh, who am I fooling? Money is everything.

VIA UsWeekly

The Queen of Everything and her pet lezzie, Gayelle King, are currently on vacation in Italy. The Italians around Oprah should really be on their knees, bowing down in her presence. I'm sure they will be executed later for not following the rules.

Stedman didn't come along, because the sound of Oprah and Gayelle's scissor slapping keeps him up at night and he's a total bitch if he doesn't get his 8 hours. Besides, all Oprah and Gayelle plan to do in Italy is eat, eat, eat, eat, eat and eat! And I'm not talking about food eating. Although, I'm sure there will be plenty of that too.

Naomi the Terrible showed up to Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday dinner last night even though she's been banned from presenting at tomorrow's concert in Hyde Park. Mandela let Naomi come as long as she sat at the kid's table and didn't talk to anybody. Naomi showed up with her new boyfriend, Marcus Elias. New boyfriend did a good job of hiding the bruises on his face because you know Naomi beats his ass.

Other guests at Mandela's birthday dinner included Oprah, Neil Diamond, Forrest Whitaker, Chelsea Clinton and a bunch of other hos. And who the hell does Oprah think she is? Karl Lagerfeld?!

The almighty Oprah has once again topped Forbes magazine's list of the biggest celebrity cocks aka The Celebrity 100 list. Oprah needs to pull a Katherine Heigl and ask to not be considered for this kind of shit. We already know that she's the most powerful and richest living thing on earth. It goes without saying. I'm pretty sure that part of the taxes I pay go directly to Oprah. It's the country's way of thanking her for being so fucking awesome. Blah!

Other whores on the list include Brad Pitt (#10) and Angelina Jolie (#3). You know Angie is walking around with her copy of Forbes telling Brad that she owns his ass once again! Brad lowers his head and hands over his balls again. Angie gave them back to him after he knocked her up with twins. At least he got to spend a little time with them.

The list ranks whores based on wealth and fame. Here's the Top 10 with what they reportedly made last year. Gross, grosser and grossest.

1. Oprah - $275 million
2. Tiger Woods - $115 million
3. Angelina Jolie - $14 million
4. Beyonce - $80 million
5. David Beckham - $50 million
6. Johnny Depp - $72 million
7. Jay-Z - $82 million
8. The Police - $115 million
9. J.K. Rowling - $300 million
10. Brad Pitt - $20 million

Visit Forbes to see the rest of the list

Oprah has announced to the world that she's just started a 21-day diet detox. Oprah is going vegan for 21 days which means no animal products. That means fish too. I'm sure Gayle King has a lot of questions for her bff.

People reports that Oprah is also banning caffeine, sugar, gluten and booze. Booze?! How is that even possible? What is the point of living!? Wait, does rubbing alcohol count as booze? I heard you can get a quick buzz from that shit.

O was inspired by Kathy Freston's book Quantum Wellness. She plans to blog about the entire process.

She wrote on her website, "This 21-day cleanse gives me a chance to think about [eating] differently and see what my attachments are to certain kinds of foods – and what I'm willing to do to change. Don't know if I'm going to feel better or worse, but I'm willing to try to see if my body at least feels differently."

She's already enjoying nasty crap like strawberry rhubarb wheat-free crepes.

I would go on a 21-day detox too if I had someone cooking all my meals for me and wiping my nasty ass when I get the runny runs.

Sorry Oprah, it's too late for you. Tommy Girl's gay alien clutches have already gotten to you!

Why is Tommy Girl looking at Oprah like she's a 10-inch dick? How the hell high are they? The altitude is obviously fucking with Tommy Girl's alien brains, because he looks like he wants to deep throat Oprah.

Oprah is thinking, "Save me Gayle."

The only person that needs saving is the poor sucker that took this picture. That bitch is probably permanently traumatized by the coming together of these two enormous egos.

Above is a picture from Tommy Girl's interview with Oprah which airs this Friday on her show.

Source: UsWeekly

I have no idea what Tommy Girl is whispering into Oprah's ear in the picture above. My guess is that he's telling her Xenu has a big dick. So......as you know, Tommy Girl is returning to the scene of the couch-jumping incident. Oprah will interview Tommy in two-parts. YES! Two-parts of crazy. The first part will air this Friday and features an already taped interview at Tommy's Telluride, CO. estate.

E!'s Marc Malkin reports that Oprah said they talk about Scientology, the couch-jumping incident and Tommy's crazed Matt Lauer debacle. Oprah also said that Tommy gave her a ride on his "snowmobile." How exciting. NOT.

I really hope Oprah also throws water on Suri to see if she malfunctions.

The second part of the interview will be taped at Oprah's studio in Chicago. That shit will air on May 5th and the focus will be the 25th Anniversary of "Risky Business."

I'm not expecting much from this two-part mess. It's going to be watered down and highly edited. Who cares about his stupid ass snowmobile? I want to see his Xenu butt plug and Scientology sex dungeon. They should have brought Jenny Jones out of forced retirement to conduct this interview. That bitch asks the tough questions. Where the hell is Jenny Jones anyway?

Tommy Girl's crazy ass is returning to the Oprah show. Tommy hasn't been on the show since 2005, when he freaked everyone out by declaring his fake love for Katie Holmes. Oprah's fugly leather sofa-thing was never the same again after it was violated by Tommy.

MSNBC's The Scoop reports that the show will most likely air during May sweeps. The focus of the show might be the 25th Anniversary of "Risky Business."

Sources claim that other celebrities have been invited to the taping and it will be an "A-list affair."

They better make Tommy Girl recreate "the tighty whities scene." Even Oprah's audience of middle-aged horny cougars won't be able to contain their laughter.

Speaking of laughter. Tommy Girl's cackle mixed with Oprah's cackle will make us all certifiable.

Oprah's expose on puppy mills aired today and she dedicated the episode to her "one true love" Sophie. Oprah played a lovely montage video of Sophie her servants worked on. Oprah said she had not seen it yet, so you know what that means.......spidery tears! For serious! Her false eyelashes must be sealed with liquid nails.

I admit that I felt the intense urge to squeeze out a wet one from my beady eye, but it didn't happen. I did feel a little warmness in my chest, but that could have been from my Mexican lunch.

The one thing I realized after watching this touching tribute to Sophie is that I want a montage video of my own when I bite the big one! We all should have one. I can't count on the lazy whores in my life to put one together, so I'll do this myself. It will be set to Foreigner's Cold As Ice. That seems fitting and it might make my movements in the montage video look more graceful.