Oprah

Having an imaginary friend isn't only for children and Jennifer Aniston, it's also for married couples who are on the verge of screaming each other's faces off during an argument in their own homes. In an article on Oprah.com (via Buzzfeed), the Dalai Oprah writes 10 unexpected ways that only you can save your marriage and one of them will only work if you're on acid all the time or if you've been diagnosed as certifiably schizophrenic.

All of us have much more control over our behavior than we like to think. For instance, if you had a very proper, prestigious British guest at your home, sleeping in the bedroom adjacent to yours, you'd act differently during arguments. You'd behave more kindly and politely to your spouse when, say, he sold your mother's hideous-but-beloved vase during a garage sale—if only because you didn't want to feel deeply ashamed. So the next time you consider screaming, imagine poor Rupert lying in the guest room, overhearing your every word.

THIS rich ass ho. Only Oprah. This kind of ridiculous advice is hard for me to wrap my tattered brain around, because I come from a Latin family who don't consider it a fight unless it makes at least one innocent person uncomfortable. Some of my cousins will fight inside of the house and then chase each other to the front yard where they'll fight again in front of all the neighbors. Why don't those crazies stay inside, you ask? Because they need an audience for their theater! And they need someone to turn to and ask, "Did you hear this bitch, right? You're on my side, right? RIGHT?!" They need votes, basically.

But I'm still going to put Oprah's bizarre advice to the test the next time I should myself in a fight with a boyfriend. I do need to know if this Rupert dude is hot or not, because that makes a difference. I'd like the option of walking out on the whisper fight to go and loudly fuck Rupert in the next room.

And I did let out an extra laugh at Oprah saying "imaginary" British friend. Please, Oprah isn't fooling us. You know she's got an actual British man named Rupert on payroll who always sleeps in the room next to hers and Gayle's to keep them from fighting.

You know how Courtney Love said that if you drink Ayahuasca tea a wise old black man will take you on fantastical journey of spiritual fuckery, or some shit? I think Courtney Love got it wrong. If you drink Ayahuasca, you'll hallucinate the final episode of Oprah, because that shit took me into the roots of a mighty oak tree and didn't let me go. Oprah PREACHED (in ALL-CAPS like that) hard.

Oprah didn't come out, rip off her skin suit and reveal she's the real Jesus before telling the audience to look under their seats for VIP tickets to the Rapture. Gayle also didn't come out, grab Oprah by the hand and lead her to a church where all her past guests greeted her with smiles. None of that happened. Instead, Oprah spent the entire hour preaching out a motivational speech and reflecting on what she's learned during the past 25 years. Even Maya Angelou was like, "Too much, girl. Too much." Here's a few pieces of what The Mighty O said today:

Your real job in life is to figure out what your calling is, and then do it.

You can help somebody, you can listen, you can forgive, you can heal, you have the power to change someone’s life. Start embracing the life that is calling you, and use your life to serve the world.

Take responsibility for your life. You are responsible for the energy you create for yourself and the energy you bring to others.

You don’t have to depend on anyone else. ’Jerry Maguire’ was just a movie. No one completes you.

Pay it forward. Be that safe harbor for somebody else. Connect, embrace, liberate, love somebody, just one person, then spread that to two, then as many as you can. You’ll see the difference it makes.

For all of you who get riled up when I mention God and you want to know which God I’m talking about, I’m talking about the same one you’re talking about. I’m talking about the alpha and omega, the omniscient, the underpresent, the ultimate consciousness, the source, the force, the all of everything there is, the one and only G-o-d. That’s the one I’m talking about. God is love. And god is life. And your life is always speaking to you.

THE HELL?! I thought Oprah was going to spend the hour spilling the real shit. You know, talking about how she once got drunk and made out with Suze Orman in her meditation room. Or how Dr. Phil always has coke breath. Or how she and Gayle fried up that wagon of lard she brought out and ate it with a side of home fries. Instead of that, Oprah spewed out a bunch of lyrics from a Lady Gaga song. What the hell kind of farewell is that?!

via Chicago Sun-Times

Jesus' second début party was supposed to go down last night, but he rescheduled for a later date (not May 21st), because all of his guests opted to attend the most important event in the history of humanity instead. Oprah's Farewell Spectacular took place at Chicago's United Center last night and every single celebrity in the world lined up to take turns licking on her ass. The salad tossing record has been broken.

Even Madonna, who shit talked Oprah in Truth or Dare, was there. Will.i.am, Jackie Evancho, Usher, Beyonce, Aretha Franklin, Josh Groban, Stevie Wonder and Jamie Foxx all performed. Besides the names I've already dropped, the guest list included:

Will & Jada Pinkett Smith
Maria Shriver
Tom Hanks
Tommy Girl & Stepford Katie
Halle Berry
Queen Latifah
Dr. Phil & Dr. Oz
Simon Cowell
Jerry Seinfeld
Diane Sawyer
Michael Jordan
Dakota Fanning
Maya Angelou
Gayle King
Rosie O'Donnell

The Daily Mail says Diane Sawyer told Oprah that her show is like a growing life tree. After Diane Sawyer said that, Angel Katharine Hepburn made a mental note to tell Barbara Walters that she wants to change the answer to the "What kind of tree are you?" question from Oak Tree to a MIGHTY OPRAH TREE!

And for the grand finale of Oprah's 2-part Farewell Spectacular......

Canons shot out 20,000 of Oprah's cloned ovaries into the audience. YOU GET AN OPRAH! YOU GET AN OPRAH! AND YOU GET AN OPRAH! EVERYBODY GETS AN OPRAH!

This mess airs on May 23rd and May 24th.

The details of Oprah's final show on May 25th haven't been revealed. Oh, how I hope the final shot is Oprah shooting up in bed and saying to herself, "It was all a dream." Then she'll lay back down and throw her arm over a mysterious bed mate. Just as the camera zooms in, Gayle King will turn around and wink. The end!

That big family secret Oprah said shook her to her core was revealed on her show today and you know the audience was pissed. When you're in Oprah's audience and she tells you that she has something big to share with you, your asshole nearly explodes from thinking that you're about to get a new car, a trip to Australia, or a pair of sequined UGGs that can be used as currency when you eventually make it down to Hell. But no, Oprah ruined their buzz by telling them she has a long-lost half-sister. Then she told the audience to look under their seats for a positive DNA test before screaming, "And you get a half-sister! And you get a half-sister! And YOU get a half-sister!"

Black Voices says that Oprah has gone through life not knowing that her mother, Vernita Lee, had a daughter named Patricia with another dude. Vernita gave Patricia up for adoption and she moved from foster home to foster home before she was adopted at the age of 7. Vernita kept her lips shut about Patricia's existence. And Patricia never knew until recently that she's got the blood of Oooooprah running through her veins. Oprah's other siblings, Jeffrey and Patricia (yup, Vernita must love the name Patricia), both passed away years ago.

Oprah and Patricia have already met before, but she introduced her to the world for the first time on her show today. Oprah also let everyone know that they've done a DNA test.

Hearing Maury say "You ARE the half-sister of Oprah" was probably like reading the winning numbers on a lottery ticket you just bought. While Patricia did the Running Man and quit her job at the same time, Gayle King was somewhere throwing an uncertain "Does this mean I've been replaced?" side-eye.

TMZ has a clip of Oprah and Patricia together.

Oprah will let out a major family secret on her show this Monday. In previews for that mess, Oprah says that the secret is so big that it rocked her to the core. You know, sort of how the Earth's core trembles and nearly cracks into a million pieces when the fault line-shaking hysterical screams from her Favorite Thing's audience penetrates through every layer.

In a previews for Monday's show, Oprah's melodramatic ass says this: "I was given some news that literally shook me to my core... I was keeping a family secret for months, and on Monday you're going to hear it straight from me. I thought I'd seen it all, but this, my friends, is the miracle of all miracles."

Oprah's "big secrets" are sometimes like a 9-inch peen you've never met before. It's all hard with excitement and every single vein is throbbing at the anticipation of getting inside you. And then when it finally does, there's a chance a single "EH" will poot out of your brains. No big deal. So knowing Oprah, the secret probably has something to do with one of her dogs, or maybe Gayle King is twin sister. That's some Sister My Sister (without all the murder and stuff) shit!

Then again, I wouldn't be entirely shocked if Oprah announced, "Aaaaaaaand here's my long-lost brother JEEEEEEEEEESUS!" The set will be decorated to look like a lavender field and Jesus and Oprah will re-enact the reunion scene from The Color Purple.

via Digital Spy

Kobayashi ain't got shit on Oprah. The Mighty O tells Piers Morgan in an interview airing on CNN next Monday that she pretty much devoured a Kraft factory after she found out that her movie Beloved bombed at the box office. Even Oprah gets a shock when Oprah fails at something. So she dealt with it the only way she knew how at the time. Oprah let out a roar that rattled the kitchen cabinets and out poured tons of macaroni noodles and blocks of cheese. Oprah says that she ordered her chef to fill up the wheelbarrow with mac and cheese and BRING IT TO HER NOW! Oprah just kept eatin' and eatin' and eatin'.....and I'll let her explain it to you in her words:

"I'm not in the movie business. I did this movie because I was passionate about it. I didn't know that you had that weekend and that is it. So I am thinking that if people don't go this weekend, that people will go see it next weekend.

It premiered on a Friday and I remember hearing on Saturday morning that we got beat by something called Chucky. I didn't even know what Chucky was. I asked my chef at the time, Art Smith, to make some macaroni and cheese.

I ate about 30 pounds worth. I'm not kidding! It's the only time in my life I was ever depressed. I recognized I was depressed because I've done enough shows [to know], 'Oh, this is what those people must feel like. I think the way life is set up for most people who have the opportunity to succeed, is that if you get the lesson, you don't have to repeat that again."

Little do we know that "Mac and Cheese" is really Oprah's pet name for Gayle. But really, at least Oprah has someone on payroll who will fill up her bathtub with a mound of carbs that weighs more than a small child. Even poor Jennifer Aniston has to pull out the salad bowl and fill it with Easy Mac and Smart Water by herself!

Shit, if I had a personal chef, I'd tell him to make 30 pounds of mac and cheese just because. Of course, I'd ask him to sprinkle a bag of Utz broccoli chips on top so I can get my daily dose of Vitamin C. I do care about my health, you know!

via UsWeekly

OWN, the only TV network that every church on the planet recommends watching in lieu of prayer, launched last weekend and its creator talked to reporters at the Television Critics Association press tour yesterday where she confirmed what every priest has already told us: OPRAH IS GOD'S BLOWN HORN....among other things.

Just like Praise The Lord Baby, Oprah hypnotized the room of reporters with her sermon about her plans for her network and what she's trying to do. Here's just a few quotes from Oprah Revival '11:

On how all of us are here for a reason: “So the evolving of consciousness is really what I’m about but I’m not telling people that’s what it is. All of us are here to become more of who we are, of who you really were born to be. Every single one of us in this room has that. That is how we are all equal, because I was born to be who the creator intended, whether you believe in the creator or not. Whatever you believe put you here, you were born to perform the highest expression of that coming. That is my goal as my personal self and it is also my goal to help other people see that in themselves. I fully understand that this platform that I have been given is a gift.”

Thank you, Oprah. I truly believe that I was born to be a dumb grouchy stoner slut, and I am slowly becoming a bigger one each and every day, so thank you. Thank you for letting me know to keep struttin' on the same path with my head held into a bong. Oprah IS great!

On how she doesn't watch TV: "I don't want all that energy coming into my space; I want to control the energy coming into my space."

Xenu, you crazy bitch! Stop hacking into Oprah's direct connection with GOD and leaving your own messages!

On how she's heaven's one-woman singing telegram deliverer: “After The Color Purple, I learned that God can dream a bigger dream for you than you can dream for yourself. I try to live in that space that is the universe’s dream for me, the bigger dream. As you heard me say to Barbara Walters, my prayer is: use me. I see myself really as a messenger for a message that is greater than myself. The message is: You can. You can. You can. You can do and you can be and you can grow and it can get better and it doesn’t matter where you were born or who your mother was or how many doctorate degrees you did have or your family had or your father had. It doesn’t matter. You can. You can do.”

Oprah is right. Ha. I type that as if Oprah is ever w.w.w.ww.w.w.wr. See, my keyboard won't even let me complete that sentence. But yes, Oprah is right. You can. You can. You can. You can change THE CHANNEL. No, I didn't mean that. That was blasphemy....and a sin.

Now, while I try to wash away that sin by saying a dozen Holy Gayles, you can look at these pictures of Oprah wearing one of Endora's old housecoats to the TCA cocktail reception last night in L.A.

Sort of. Not really. But Hugh Jackman almost became a one-eyed Australian butt pirate today when a zip-lining stunt went terribly wrong! Hugh was supposed to make a grand entrance onto Oprah's show at the Sydney Opera House (please don't tell me they renamed it the Sydney Oprah House for her), but he hit the brakes too late and crashed into one of the lighting rigs. HUGH! You must protect THE FACE at all times! That's your money. This is an Australian law! Get a front face helmet! And two nipple helmets too while you're at it.

Here's the footage of Hugh's eye violently eye fucking a lighting rig. If you laugh, Hugh's baby frenchie makes a sad with his little mouth.

People says that Hugh's injury was as serious as a cum splatter to the eye. Paramedics patched up his small eye bruise and Hugh went on with the show. Hugh told the audience not to put the stunt team on execution row for the accident, because it was totally his fault: "I came down waving to everyone, looking over Sydney Harbor, saw my dad, the kids and you, went to pull the brake and then boing. Totally my bad."

It's a good thing that Hugh didn't lose his eyeballs, because then he wouldn't do that adorable "OW IT STINGS" thing when you get a little of your goodness on him during fucky times. But even if he did lose his eye, I'm sure Oprah would've given him a new one with diamonds in it. You get an eye, and you get an eye, and YOUUUUUU get an eye!

Oprah isn't even gay for that koala (By the way, I see how you're trying to hug onto Oprah's tete for a free 2012 Beetle, koala. I SEE YOU!). Oprah isn't gay at all. Oprah once again denied that one of her favorite things is scissoring her best friend forever and ever Gayle King. That's what Oprah told Barbara Walters during an upcoming special and shit got dramatic.

In her Elmer Fudd voice, Barbara asked Oprah about her friendship with Gayle and that's when the tears filled the ducts, the lip quivered like an angel's wing and the raw emotion came pouring out. You could tell Oprah was thinking about Celie and Nettie's reunion scene from The Color Purple with her and Gayle in the roles. Oprah was on the verge of a full weep as she called Gayle her best friend and the mother she never had. And across town, Gayle King felt the sentiments seeping out of Oprah's being and she dropped everything to run to her soulmate... Oprah did the same and the two met on a beach where they embraced as the seagulls above serenaded them with a rendition of "Wind Beneath My Wings." No, that didn't happen because Oprah changed the mood by barking at one of her minions to get a tissue! Here's the preview clip:

Who doesn't weep when thinking about their best friends? I know my friends cry out loud when they talk about knowing me. Yes, it's for the exact opposite reason as Oprah's and they usually follow their cry by screaming "Why won't he stop calling?!", but at least I make them cry!

And I love how Oprah says "lezzzzzz-be-yun."

Here's Oprah, Gayle and that hot piece of Aussie beef Curtis Stone in Australia today.

On Friday, The Mighty Oprah aired the first part of her Favorite Things and we all watched as the internal organs of her audience members quickly liquefied due to over-excitement. Yeah, most of them permanently lost their ability to hold their pee, but who needs to pee when you've got a 3D TEEEVEEEEEEEEE! Since Oprah gets a sick thrill from prematurely inducing coronaries, she gave away even more free shit to a totally different audience in the second part of her Favorite Things episode which aired today.

When Oprah announced her final Favorite Thing of all-time, I'm 100% sure that at least a few audience members died on the floor, floated off to heaven and looked into the sea-blue eyes of Jesus who told their asses to get back down there because his boss is about to give them a 2012 VW BEETLE!!!!! Yes, Oprah gave out a car that isn't even out yet (it looks like this, by the way).

But how are they going to sit in the driver's seat of a new Beetle if their ass cheeks fell off and/or exploded when Oprah gave them the news?! Oprah should really give them a new pair of ass cheeks, TAX FREE!