Oprah

In this promo picture for Lee Daniels' The Butler, Terrence Howard isn't only sniffing through the cigarette smoke to see if the beautiful scent of a freshly baby wiped ass if wafting off of Oprah, but he's also thinking about how he wants to titty fuck her with his nose. While doing an interview with Movie Fanatic (via TMZ) for his new movie Dead Man Down, Terrence was asked what it was like working with The Mighty O on The Butler. You can practically hear Terrence's tip get moist (sounds like this) when he creams on and on about how he got to suffocate his face on Oprah's chichis. The inspiration for Morris Day's character in Purple Rain lubed up Oprah's 9" dick of an ego with these words of praise for her beauty:

"Oprah and I had such chemistry. To be able to make out with Oprah and to have love scenes with her and those tig ol' bitties. I mean, she's such a lovely and voluptuous woman. She's very, very beautiful and that was wonderful."

Strangely enough, that's exactly what Gayle King says when people ask her what it's like being Oprah's best friend.

Strangely STRANGELY enough, that's almost exactly what Oprah says when people ask her what it was like interviewing Beyonce.

Every time Terrence speaks, I feel like I have to take a baby wipe to my brain and now I feel like I have to take a whole box to my brain after thinking about Terrence slobbering all over Oprah's chichis. Oh, Terrence, you creepy, horny fuck, you.

If you want to spend a piece of your President's Day gagging and yawning at the same time, then watch Oprah munch on Beyonce's b-hole while talking about the boring as shit Beyonce propaganda documentary Life is But A Dream on Oprah's Next Chapter. But if you can only take so much of watching Oprah suck on Beyonce's taint repeatedly, then go to Gawker and watch the grosses moments as put together by Rich Juzwiak. Beyonce's ladies-in-waiting are probably still pulling fake lashes and clumps of bronzer out of her ass, because The Mighty O shoved her head all the way up there. Here's just a few of the lines that Oprah jacked Beyonce off with. It's the sloppiest verbal blow job I've ever seen:

"You are the preeminent mistress of the universe."

"Your allure lies in the crux of the tension between hot and cool, so how do you balance that? Are you aware of that? That's you're hot and you're also cool?"

"You know what I thought it was, watching you [at the Super Bowl]? I thought, 'That is where art meets God.'"

"I always had a lot of admiration and respect for you, you know. I like dancing to the music, I like playing it when I'm working out, but after watching Life is But A Dream, I have to tell you that I came away being reminded of that line in a Maya Angelou poem that says, 'You make me proud to spell my name W-O-M-A-N.'

"Life is But a Dream is so great that you'r enot just going to be mistress of the universe, you are now BELOVED mistress of the universe."

Well, I guess I have to get new lines, because that is exactly what I was planning to say to Shauna Sand if I ever met her. What kind of stuff did Oprah smoke out of her bong before this interview, because damn. I know Oprah usually licks her guest's ass, but she practically touched Beyonce's intestines with her tongue. Beyonce looked like she was getting ready to run just in case Oprah's tried to skin and wear her.

And Oprah needs to know that there's only ONE mistress of the universe and her name is She-Ra!

When President Obama strutted down the aisle at the State of the Union Address last night, I was wondering why his main back-up dancers, Beyonce and Oprah, weren't sashaying behind him. But now I know why. The Empresses of the United States had something more important to do. They had to sashay down the red carpet at the premiere of Beyonce's HBO Beyoncementary Life Is Butter Dreams in NYC.

I don't know which one isn't worthy enough to be in the presence of the other one? If the Queen of the World, Beyonce, is standing next to the other Queen of the World, Oprah, which one is the true reigning Queen of the World in that picture? If a diamond is shining bright like a star next to a star shining bright like a diamond, which one is shining brighter? If a 9 inch dick is lying next to another 9 inch dick in front of me, which one do I lick first? These are the questions I ask myself whenever I see Phoebe Price and Shauna Sand in the same picture. These are the questions that keep me up at night.

As Jay-Z, a face-snatched Tina Knowles and a pant-less Basement Baby (I think her wig ate her pants) got on their knees and prayed, Beyonce and Oprah created an infinite holy light by posing together for the paps at the Life Is Buttocks Cream premiere. If I look hard enough, I think I see hairs sticking out of Beyonce's pits, but there's no way those hairs grew out of her body. Beyonce is as naturally smooth as Gayle King's freshly waxed taint (it's just how O likes it). Beyonce is obviously wearing a lace front armpit wig. Yeah, I'm sure Beyonce stole that idea from a picture she saw on somebody's Pinterest page, but when lace front armpit wigs become the must-have accessory of 2013, we'll all have Beyonce to thank for it.

An anti-circumcision group based in Vancouver plans to protest in front of Rogers Arena on Thursday, because Oprah will be there for whatever reason. Glen Callender (who looks like this), founder of the Canadian Foreskin Awareness Project, is mad at The Mighty O for using and whoring out a $150-a-jar face cream that's got foreskins in it. Oprah has been using the cream for a million years and Glen says that it's very hypocritical of her to speak out against female genital mutilation while she's got  blended dick hoods smeared all over her mug. (Cut to Gayle King saying, "O, honey, please wash your face. I'm not going to sit on it when it smells like foreskins.")

Glen tells The Owen Sound Times that Oprah would never put a clitoris on her face (insert gaylekingsmirking.gif here), so why is she putting foreskins on her face?

“Imagine how Oprah would respond if a skin cream for men went on the market that was made from parts of the genitalia of little girls. That would be an outrage and rightly so. I would like Oprah to come to her senses and realize that all children have a fundamental human right to keep all their genitalia and to decide for themselves if anything gets cut off."

SkinMedica says that they don't exactly rip the foreskin off of men and then throw that shit into a blender. They're not Madonna. The makers of the dick scarf cream say "they use foreskin fibroblast — a piece of human skin used as a culture to grow other skin or cells."

Okay, whatever, I just need to say that cream is a fraud! I've been rubbing foreskins on my face for years and I still get breakouts and it's starting to look like a troupe of crows Riverdanced on my eyes.

And this explains why John Travolta and Oprah are best homegirls. Oprah probably likes it when John Travolta gives her face a tongue bath for three hours straight. Kinky ass Oprah.

As Gayle King gave Oprah a victory massage in her spot of choice (it's way too late in the week for me to describe in detail what Oprah's spot of choice is, so you decide), millions of people watched Lance Armstrong admit to being a doper and an award-winning champion liar. But as Lance barfed out the truth, I kept focusing on the shit job the set decorator did. Yes, I care about the important things. Oprah really screwed up this time, because there goes that Emmy nomination for Best Set Decoration in a Shit Show.

While watching, I kept waiting for two old ladies wearing windbreakers to walk on by, pick up a vase, look under it for the price and then scream at Oprah, "$5?! You crazy! I'll take it off your hands for two quarters and nothing more." Shit looked like an estate sale. What was with that shallow bowl thing? When are people going to learn that you can't just put an empty bowl on a table and call it design. Oprah could've thrown some tangerines in there or if she really wanted to be a bitch, she should've filled it with Truck Nutz. Maybe The Mighty O had that bowl on hand, because she was going to use it to collect Lance's nut if he refused to come clean. And that mysterious box on the table? Gayle King should've come out in a rhinestone gown ala Price is Right and opened it to reveal Lance's favorite shootin' up needle. But she didn't. That box and that bowl were about as useless as those bendy straws. I swear, Oprah should've hired Sandra Lee to do the background tablescape. Anyway, enough about that. Now let's move on to less important matters.

Lance finally admitted that starting in the 90s, he took performance-enhancing drugs including blood doping, EPO, testosterone and HGH. Lance admitted that he took them before all of seven of his Tour de France victories, but that he stopped doping in 2005. Lance also admitted to being a first-rate shit bag to anybody who outed him as a doping cheat. Lance was never afraid he'd get caught and he never thought he was going to get caught. Lance doped up, because a lot of the other cyclists were doping up and he wanted to level the playing field. Lance called himself an "arrogant prick" and said that he just got caught up in the lie and so he kept on lie-telling:

"I view this situation as one big lie that I repeated a lot of times. I know the truth. The truth isn't what was out there. The truth isn't what I said. I'm a flawed character, as I well know. All the fault and all the blame here falls on me."

The weirdest part of the interview was when Lance told Oprah that he had called Betsy Andreu, an accuser who refused to lie for him, and said this to her:

"I called you crazy. I called you a bitch. But I never called you fat."

Betsy responded by saying, "Phew! I'm so glad you don't think I'm fat, Lance. I'd rather be a crazy skinny bitch than a sane fat nicey person." It's nice to know that the potent drug known as CRAZY is still flowing through Lance's veins.

And I'd like to take this time to confess to all of you that for years I've been using performance-enhancing drugs for bloggers like boxed wine, pocket pies and weed. Wait, or maybe those are performance-degrading drugs. I could've read the labels wrong.

via HuffPo

When Lance Armstrong stared deep into Oprah's holy light eyes, he saw the image of her half-brother Jesus telling him to finally cleanse his soul by telling the truth about doping up. Or maybe Lance Armstrong stared deep into Oprah's holy light eyes and saw the reflection of her producer waving the millions of dollars he got paid for telling the truth to The Mighty O! People mix Jesus up with a stack of cash all the time. Whatever the case may be, after years of denying that he was shooting up performance enhancing drugs even though everybody could practically see the needle sticking out of his ass, Lance Armstrong confessed to Oprah that he lied about being a dopehead.

Oprah was on CBS This Morning (aka her main boo's morning show) to say that in her two-part interview with Lance, which starts airing on OWN this Thursday, he comes clean about being dirty. The interview went down at the Four Seasons in Austin, TX, and Oprah said that it took almost 2 and a half hours to ask Lance 112 prepared questions. Oprah wouldn't tell Gayle King on air (but I'm sure she whispered it in Gayle King's ear during their nightly spooning sessions) what Lance said to her, but she said that he "did not come clean in the manner that I expected" and that she was satisfied with his answers. Well, since Oprah is "satisfied" with his answers that means Lance has been upgraded to Heaven's "waiting list" and won't go directly to Hell.

Oprah said that Lance did get emotional, but never completely broke down and sobbed into her chichis while asking her to pet his hair. Oprah said that she went at Lance so hard that at one point he asked her if she was ever going to lighten up with the questions. Right before Lance's interview with Oprah, he held a meeting at Livestrong and brought the raw emotion while apologizing to his staff for letting them down. Lance kept his apology vague and never admitted to them that he doped up. Bitch was saving that for Oprah.

Lance already gave up all his Tour de France medals and People says that he's in talks with his former team, the U.S. Postal Service, to give back some of the millions in taxpayer money he got over the years. And now that he's finally admitted the truth, former sponsors could sue his last nutsack off. Some think that Lance is telling the truth after years of lie-telling, because he's been backed into a corner and wants the public to feel sorry for his ass.

What I've learned from all of this, is that if I fill my veins up with performance-enhancing drugs, there's a chance that I will win a bunch of fancy cycling titles, make hundreds of millions of dollars and I'll only have to give back SOME of the money when they catch me lying. And I'll get to meet Gayle King! Shoot my ass up and pull my old Huffy out of my mom's garage. Let's do this!

I could've titled this post Lee Daniels as Lee Daniels, or Oprah as 80s Della Reese, or Jane Fonda as Nancy Reagan (!!!!!), but I went with Alan Rickman as Ronald Reagan, because that doesn't look like Alan Rickman at all to my eyes. But that's Alan Rickman and he's killing me softly with that Reagan smile.

Oprah Instagram'd pictures of everyone on the set of the new Lee Daniels movie The Butler. The Butler follows Gerard Butler after he finds a time machine and uses it to travel through the decades and fulfill his dream of boning all the First Ladies of the past. No, The Butler is about a butler who served eight presidents including Reagan. Oprah's plays The Butler's wife.

And I see Jane Fonda fucking with the Republicans with the power of a pair of brown contacts. (Side note: Nothing freaks me out more like seeing blue-eyed people with brown contacts).

And and, here's another picture of a Dynasty-ized Oprah with Lenny Kravitz in their aging makeup. Lenny may or may not be playing Benson.

I still would, even more so if Lenny kept his Benson look on.

After what felt like years of promoting Oprah's EXCLUSIVO interview with RiRi, OWN finally aired the whole thing last night and a huge chunk of it was spent on talking about the shit-filled piece of trash who nearly punched her to death on a side street in Los Angeles. As the Mighty O hmmm-ed and hmmm-ed and hmmm-ed some more, RiRi said that Chris Brown was the love of her life and she has forgiven him for Ike Turner-ing her hard. RiRi said that in forgiving Fist Brown, she also forgave her father for beating up her mom when she was a kid. Shit got so real that it made me wonder where psychotherapist/talk show host Marilyn Kagan was when we really needed her, because RiRi should've been sitting on a therapist's couch and not Oprah's couch.

The "Rage of Fist Brown" section of Oprah's interview with RiRi was like something out of the script of a Lifetime movie starring Nancy McKeon. Here's a few quotes:

On what her relationship with Chris Brown is like now: "We've been working on our friendship again. Now we're very, very close friends. We've built a trust again and that's it. We love each other and we probably always will. That's not anything we're going to try to change. That's not something you can shut off if you've ever been in love."

On if they're humping on each other full-time: "No. He's in a relationship of his own. I'm single, but we have maintained a very close friendship ever since the restraining order has been dropped. We've just worked on it little by little and it has not been easy. It's not easy."

On seeing Chris Brown's ugly popped hemorrhoid face: "It's awkward, because I still love him. My stomach drops and I have to maintain this poker face and not let it get to the outer part of me. I have to maintain that and suppress it, but interpret it and understand it and understand that it's not going to go away. That is peaceful. When you don't understand those feelings, you can make a lot of mistakes."

On if Chris Brown is one of the loves of her life: "Absolutely, I think he was the love of my life. He was the first love and I see that he loved me the same way. We were very young and very spontaneous. We ran free. We ran wild. We were falling in love and going at a really rapid pace and we forgot about ourselves as individuals.

On how she wants Chris Brown to be happy: "I truly love him. The main thing for me is that he is at peace. You know, I'm not at peace if he's a little unhappy or if he's still lonely. I care. It actually matters that he finds that peace."

On forgiving Chris Brown: "I thought I hated Chris and I realized it was love that wash tarnished. It looked like hate, because it was ugly, angry and inflamed. It was tainted. And I realize that what it was, I had to forgive him, because I cared about him still. The minute I let go of that, I started living again." 

"We have maintained a very close friendship ever since the restraining order has been dropped" is a line I hope I never EVER have to say to anyone including Oprah's ass, because DAMN. ("But Michael, don't you hope that one day you can say that after Anderson Cooper drops the restraining order he has out against you?" - you "Like that's ever going to happen." - me "Good point." - you)

It's nice that RiRi forgave Chris Brown and that her heart still poots out queefs of love in his name, but it's kind of hard to forgive a bitch who isn't sorry at all. If this was an interview between Oprah and Chris Brown and she asked him if he's sorry for what he did, the next thing we'd hear is Gayle King running up with an ice pack after he headbutted Oprah for getting into his life like that. And usually headbutting an interviewer means that the answer to their question is: NO.

And here's RiRi strolling through the airport in Tokyo the other day while looking like the member of a Midi, Maxi & Efti tribute band.

To save her floating turd of a network from completely sinking to the bottom of the toilet bowl, Oprah shoved herself into a full body condom and got into bed with whores. Godprah joined forces with the harlot heffas of HELL for an interview airing this holy Sunday on OWN.

I know that OWN has become that struggling, broke down, thirsty hooker who has lost its prime corner on the best part of the stroll and is now lucky to get a wooden coin for a sloppy handjob behind a Datsun parked in the alley, but has it really come to this? Was Courtney Stodden not available for an interview? Tan Mom? OctoMom? The Hot Dog Hooker? Literally ANYBODY but the Kuntrashians? How the Mighty O has fallen into the whore pit viper pit.

So far clips of the interview have been the same, re-hashed crap. Was the obviously staged wedding staged? NEVER! Is Khloe's biological father one of the neanderthals in the Natural History Musuem? NOT! But then Oprah asked Rob and the KKKs (that sounds like the name of the #1 band in Hell) about Pimp Mama Kris' pimping ways:

O: What do you say to people, and you've heard it, when people say your mother is pimping her children.

Kim: I think that's so ridiculous.

Rob: She's our mom.

Kim: First of all, we have to hire a manager. So regardless somebody has to get that. No one will fight harder for you than your own mother. She knows us. She knows all of our moods. Whether sometimes Khloe and her like are like 'Mom/manager' and they go back and forth.

O: You're very clear on that, though. You don't have to go back and forth. You know the line between mom and manager.

The slow pregnant one: They....work....well....really...well. *drooooooool*

Kim: We just get each other. We vibe. It works. No matter what, no one would fight harder for you than your own mother.

O: So you've never felt exploited by your own mother?

KKK: No, never.

Meanwhile, Pimp Mama Kris was slightly off camera with her ho slappin' hand up in the air and a look on her face that clearly said, "Kim, you better stick to the script, ho, or the next completely fake husband I set you up with will have a white dick!"

via E! Online 

The Daily Beast has a loonnnggggg article about why Rosie O'Donnell's show on Oprah Winfrey's network of spiritual guidance failed. Reasons include Rosie not being a good fit for the channel, a bad time slot, no one was sure what the show's format should be, celebrities wouldn't come to Chicago to get their publicity cocks sucked, etc.

The frowny revelation is that Rosie still has a big ole' temper when shit doesn't go well and will publicly lash the fuck out at you in front of the rest of the staff. She will make you cry and confound you because you had heard that lesbians were really nice what with the dogs and the Home Depot love and everything.

Rosie filmed in Oprah's old studio, and many of The Rosie Show staff were made up of O's old crew. Those special people have been touched by an angel and ascended to a higher level than the rest of us. But that don't mean dick to Ro.

From the Beast:

Several staffers were very upset when O’Donnell clashed with Winfrey’s longtime director Joe Terry. People thought she humiliated him when she scolded him in front of a live audience for using the wrong camera shots, suggesting he didn’t know what he was doing. She fired Winfrey’s stage manager because she felt like he was ignoring her and not doing his job properly. But some of her biggest fights were with “the games department.” She couldn’t decide what she wanted—The Price Is Right, physical games, or trivia—and was constantly belittling the people who worked on them.

Rosie also reportedly treated her band leader lady like shit because she couldn't immediately play obscure Broadway numbers like the band was Tom Cruise's iPod. Ugh. She also didn't personally tell her staff that the jig was up because she'd already driven her hog (you decide what kind I'm referring to) back to New York City and was trying to get the role of Miss Hannigan in a revival of Annie.

I met Rosie once. She was big and butch (bike shorts/Tevas/lots of tattoos) and I was nervous she would put me in a headlock. She read as a nice lady, but I wasn't on her payroll. Remember when she accused one of the staffers at her magazine of lying and told her that "liars get cancer"? This is not a bitch you want your cubicle near.

And that's it for me. Thank you to the exquisitely slutty Michael K for letting me help out again! Tramp ass.