Oprah

Remember when Oprah's all-vagina school in Africa had some kind of sex scandal? Well, in case Oprah used her powers of telekinesis to zap that memory out of your head, let me refresh your glass. A few months after the school opened, the matron was fired after she sexually abused 15 girls. At the time Oprah cried hot tears and said it was the most devastating experience of her life. Well, another sex scandal has hit the school. This one involves students and not teachers.

The Afrikaans on Sunday newspaper (via UsWeekly) reports that seven students were suspended for doing lesbionic things with each other and also pressuring other girls to partake in a little finger-banging action.

A letter sent to the little lezzies' parents read: "You have been found guilty of physical contact of a sexual nature with another pupil on campus, harassment, bullying other girls on campus and of being dishonest by not telling investigators the whole truth."

Aside from the bullying other girls into feasting on the snatch buffet, isn't this kind of shit normal? I mean, if I even walk near an all-girls school, an Indigo Girls song plays in my head and I get a sudden craving to stick my finger in a roast beef sandwich covered in chunky gravy.

And just because they are doing lezzie shit, doesn't mean they are getting a Home Depot card anytime soon. They are just fucking horny!

Oprah should pack up her pet Gayle and head over to Africa now! They obviously need to teach a class on how to chow on the chocha without getting caught! After all, she is the master!

Earlier this month, Oprah adopted two golden cocker spaniel puppies, Ivan and Sadie, from the PAWS Shelter in Chicago. Oprah showed off her new puppies on her show shortly after she brought them home. The blonde chick with the newscaster hair is holding Ivan and Oprah's got Sadie.

Well, I have some sad puppy news, Ivan is now in heaven after he passed away over the weekend. Ivan had that evil doggy disease called PARVO. Sadie is still alive, but is very ill. Oprah has flown in a team of specialists from around the world to treat Sadie. Okay, I lied about the flying them in part, but I'm sure Oprah will not let the Parovirus fuck with her life again!

Oprah released this statement to the Chicago-Sun Times: "I'm saddened by his passing though we only had him for a weekend. I remain hopeful that Sadie will pull through."

And in related news, the PAWS Animal Shelter of Chicago disappeared in a black cloud of smoke late last night.

Gayle King's main spooner adopted an 8-week-old blonde cocker spaniel from PAWS animal shelter in Chicago on Sunday, so says UsWeekly. The Mighty O picked the bitch from a litter of six.

Oprah's last main bitches, Sophie and Solomon, went off to heaven last year. She still has her two Golden Retrievers, Luke and Layla.

Okay, why wasn't anybody notified that Oprah was about to adopt another dog? My ass would have gotten on the next Peter Pan bus to Chicago and found a way into that shelter. Since it sounds like Oprah wanted a blonde bitch, I would've snatched Kim Zolciak's broke down dog wig and plopped it on my head. While inside my shelter cage, I'd wag my ass, slobber all over myself and wink my eyes a lot. I do that shit all day anyway, but I'd turn it up for Oprah.

You know her bitches have the best lives. They eat filet mignon whenever they want it, shit on cashmere and drink only the purest water that would make an Evian bottle weep. Not to mention that she probably thinks it's funny when you bite at Gayle's bagina. Who cares if I'd have to lick up Oprah's toe jam on a nightly basis. IN THIS ECONOMY, that's a small price to pay for a life of luxury.

Oprah's ex-boyfriend Randolph Cook has esophageal cancer and is dying so he decided to write a tell-all where he claims The Mighty O did a little crack in the 80s. And no, I'm not talking about Gayle King's crack. She's still doing that. I'm talking about crack CRACK: Wino's best friend 4 EVA.

In his book (which will obviously be on Oprah's Book Club) The Wizard of O: My Life With Oprah, Randolph said he did coke with Oprah while boning her in 1984. Oprah admitted on her show to doing coke when she was in her 20s in the 1970s. She blamed it on her obsession with some dude.

But Randolph told The National Enquirer Oprah taught him how to smoke crack and the two freebased together for about six-months. He also said Oprah was still doing crack while doing her show. He writes, "Americans have placed Oprah on a pedestal that has been seemingly invincible until now."

If only Oprah had a "Favorite Things" list back in the 80s. Crack would definitely be on that list. But seriously, who didn't smoke crack in the 80s? I kept that shit in my She-Ra lunchbox and we used to light up after Dodgeball games.

If Oprah was doing crack in the 80s, wouldn't that bitch be skinny as fuck? Wait! That would explain this picture. She should've wheeled on a big crack rock instead. And Randolph should go ahead and choose which picture he would like to be display on milk cartons, because Oprah is going to make his ass disappear.

Image: Planet Hiltron

Oooooprah has had an epic battle weight the chunk for eternity and she's been very honest about it with her legions of followers. For a while there, Oprah was at her "ideal weight" thanks to personal trainers, chefs, airbrush artists (see above), lipo-technicians, colonic experts, priests, magic elves and Gayle King. Well, Oprah now says she's fallen off the wagon and weighs 200lbs. Her BMI is 31.8 which is considered obese by Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

In the January issue of O Magazine (via NY Times), she writes, "I'm mad at myself. I'm embarrassed. I can't believe that after all these years, all the things I know how to do, I'm still talking about my weight. I look at my thinner self and think, 'How did I let this happen again?'"

Oprah went on to write that she gained 60 pounds in 2 years because an out-of-balance thyroid condition made her scared of working out. She said she knew shit wasn't right when she almost missed a taping with Cher and Tina Turner, because she felt like a "fat cow."

Oprah is now taking action....again. During the week of January 5th, she will bring her personal trainer, sex therapists, spiritual experts and Suze Orman on to her show to talk about healthy living.

How does this happen to Oprah? She's the mighty OPRAH! She can do anything. Can't she just demand that her fat cells leave her body immediately? Or maybe she can pay off the CDC to declare that a BMI of 31.8 is perfect and anyone above or below that is not worthy.

And she can easily drop a ton of useless fat from her life by ordering Dr. Phil to leave the fucking planet.

Oprah's Favorite Things episode is my favorite of the year, because you get to watch bitches spontaneously combust over and over again. I have a feeling that this year's episode will be filled with groans instead of screams of joy. Oprah has announced that since the economy is fucked up, she's going to do a welfare version of her annual Favorite Things list. Yup, the Big O is getting down with the poor folk.

This statement was released: "They're some of Oprah's favorite things, but this time there's a twist...they cost next to nothing."

So her audience gets a flower pot made from old yogurt containers and Oprah gets to go home to her solid gold toilet?

The statement goes on to say that some dumb whore comes on the show to teach everyone how to make "a one-of-a-kind treasure that comes straight from the heart." What if you don't have one of those? Does she teach you how to make a one-of-a-kind treasure that comes straight from the genitals?

At the end of the show, Oprah presents her audience with a very special holiday gift that doesn't cost one cent.

I'm still going to watch this shit, because the audience will still lose their tits when Oprah announces it's the Favorite Things episode. And then you will slowly see their smiles turn to frowns when she starts to bring shit out like flowers made from construction paper and homemade plaster handprint plaques. Basically, it's going to be all the shit we made in elementary school for our parents.

Source

Brad Pitt and his pussy duster were on Oprah yesterday to promote that movie about a baby with pepaw face and during one part of the show, Oprah took questions from fans through Skype. Christina, a Bradaloonie for 17 years from Ontario, CA, called (Skyped?) in from her office to ask Brad about his tattoos. The crazy bitch wanted to know the details of his iceman and Daniel Pearl tattoos. Since Brad is such a private (HA!) person, he really didn't want to tell her. He probably already signed a contract with W Magazine for a cover of all his tattoos with their meanings and shit. I love Cate Blanchett for asking Brad if he will show everyone his tattoos. What a bitch! Cate really knows how to add fuel to a Bradaloonie fire!

Christina wouldn't let it go and finally said, "I know you've got one (a tattoo) on your tummy, don't make me go there!" Oh, Christina. I'm sure you've gone there in your crazy head many, many times. Actually, I think she's going there during this conversation! Show your hands at all times, Christina! Show em! I hear jelly being made. I know what's going on!

I was seriously waiting for Christina to start showing all the Brad Pitt tattoos she has on her body. I don't even want to know where her "Pitt's Girl" tattoo is.

And I'm sure that 20-minutes after this interview, Maddox showed up to Christina's door with a fresh restraining order in his hands.

VIA ONTD

Yes, that's the Mighty O using a Port-A-Potty for the very first time after Barack Obama's speech on Tuesday night in Chicago! Oprah later said that she really had no choice, "In all these years at every event, I've said, 'No, I'm not going to do the Port-A-Potty' but I said I better use it."

I'm sure Oprah's Port-A-Potty visit was very different than ours. She probably had the Extreme Makeover: Home Edition crew venture inside, renovate it, spray it down with eucalyptus and install a Bose sound system where sounds of the rainforest played on a loop. After she was done going tinkle, one of her maids came in, spritzed her "vajayjay" with Voss water and then dried it with organic cashmere. Once she left, her handlers burned it down in case anyone tried to sell Oprah's pee pee water on eBay.

I know I'm alone when I say that I don't really mind Port-A-Potties. They are good for other things besides the obvious. Sometimes they can be your home away from home. It's a quiet place to read a book or eat a meal without fat hogs staring at your food. If you ever need a quick fuck and your roommate is home or the gas station bathroom is busy, there's always the Port-A-Potty!

Visit Gavin's Blog to see more pictures and a video of this momentous occasion!

Too busy to live? Well, Oprah is too busy to pose for the covers of her own magazine. The Mighty O has been on every cover since 2000 and she's sick of that shit! That's what Page Six claims anyway.

A source told them, "Oprah has told the editors at O magazine she's tired of being on the cover every month. It's a pain. It takes a lot of time and energy and she's sick of it. She's given them six months to figure out what to do without her."

Hmm...I say they should go to the next letter in the alphabet and change the name of the magazine to P. That way international supermodel Phoebe Price can be on the cover each week. I'm joking! Don't throw salmonella-laced cutlets at me!

A rep for the magazine said this shit is a bold-faced lie and that Oprah will continue to pose for covers.

How hard could it be to get your picture taken once or twice a month? If it's really such a hassle, Oprah should get herself cloned. Or she can just pay for Gayle King to have plastic surgery to look just like her. I'm sure Gayle would queef at the chance to be Oprah's twin.

And since I mentioned Chicken Cutlets in this post, it would be illegal for me not to include some stunning photos of her. Here she is posing with her dog and a magazine while out in Beverly Hills yesterday. Seriously, that dog can't wait to fucking feast on her cutlets while she sleeps. Look at him sniffing and shit.

You already know this, but I'll tell you anyway. Oprah richer than all of us combined times a hundred. Shit, times a hundred thousand. TVGuide has put out their annual list of the riches whores in television and it's no surprise that Oprah came out on top.

She reportedly makes $385 million a year in TV shit ALONE. No wonder Gayle King has stuck around so long. I'd lick Oprah's vag sweat too if she gave me even 1% of her fortune.

What the hell do you do with all that money? I mean, I feel like we should all get together and sue her for some stupid reason. We can sue her for being too rich. Her wealth has caused us to feel bad about ourselves and we can't work because of it. She'll probably settle right away. Then we can take our settlement, buy an island, build a lucite mansion with a chicken cutlet garden, hire a dozen cholitas to entertain us and live the rest of our lives in heavenly bliss. Make it happen.

Other dumb skanks on the list include:

Simon Cowell - $50 million a year
David Letterman - $35 million a year
Charlie Sheen - $825k per episode for "Two and a Half Men"
William Peterson - $600k per episode for "CSI"
Mariska Hargitay - $400k per episode for "Law & Order: SVU"
The Simpsons cast - $400k per episode
Kyra Sedgwick - $275k per episode for "The Closer"

Screw all of those whores! They may have a ton of money, but they don't have what we have. Oh, who am I fooling? Money is everything.

VIA UsWeekly