George Clooney

George Clooney once said that his longest relationship was for 18 years with his pet pig Max. They were so close that Georgie even let Max sleep in his bed every now and again. That makes my tail curl and not in a good way.

Max went off to the great big shit pen in the sky in 2006 which left Georgie with a case of the serious SADS. Recently, George wondered how Max is doing up there in heaven, so he hired a psychic to speak to his pig friend. George apparently told a friend, "The psychic told me Max had a great life with me. He is very happy in spirit and still hangs out with me sometimes. I am not sure she was telling the truth but I do want to believe her."

Of course the psychic bitch is going to tell George that Max misses him. What the hell is she going to say? That the angels turned him into bacon?

But seriously, Max and George had a beautiful thing together. The skanks trying to land George should take note. George loves it when you squeal until your vocal cords pop. He also loves it when you take up the whole bed and keep him up half the night with your loud farting. And if you eat your own caca, he'll fall desperately in love with you. Well, pigs do that! Don't blame me. Blame pigs!

A little while ago, George Clooney was not happy about his latest cocktail waitress/model/dumb bitch girlfriend running her mouth all around town about how she's nibbling on his man cooch. It looks like George has forgiven her, because he has apparently asked her to move into his Los Angeles mansion.

The Globe (I know, I know) says Lucy has flipped her nose in glee and can't wait to be George's live-in taint licker. A source said, “Lucy is totally smitten with George and he’s drawn to her in a passionate way. They’ve started out casual, but things are moving fast and she’s told friends they’re planning to spend a large part of the summer together. She’s talking about moving in with George in LA which is pretty amazing considering they’ve only known each other a couple of months. Everyone’s just hoping it lasts and she doesn’t get her heart broken.”

Heart broken? Who said anything about love?! Seriously, Lucy has a winning lottery ticket in her hands and it's up to her to cash it in. She better not be another Sarah Larson, because that one was just an embarrassment to respectable gold diggers everywhere! If Lucy plays George's peen (and prostate) right, she'll have a money baby growing in her cash oven by July! I know it's a little baby's life I'm talking about, but don't you worry. George will pay Lucy off and then give the baby to Brangelina to raise. Everyone's happeh!

What am I saying? Lucy's stupid ass probably doesn't even know how babies are made. And that's just how George likes 'em.

VIA Showbiz Spy

I know we all got part-times jobs as a cocktail waitresses/models hoping that one day George Clooney will sweep in, see that we serve alcoholic beverages, fall madly in love with us and then whisk us off to Italy where we'll spend our days licking his taint. Well, the dream came true for one bitch, but it wasn't us. George's latest cocktail waitress love is some ho named Lucy Wolvert who he met while filming a movie in Miami.

UsWeekly (via Parade) says that George and Lucy have been bumping nipples for a few weeks, but he wants to keep the whole thing hush hush. Lucy, who is also a model (give me that eye roll), couldn't keep her pie hole shut and is telling all her friends that she's doing The Clooney. A source said, "Her crush may have gotten the best of her. George asked Lucy to be discreet, but she's told friends and they've started talking."

Why are these whores so dumb dumb in the brains?! Why oh why?! When a peen that shoots loads of money comes into your life, you have to play it cool. Especially if the peen belongs to George. One little peep and George is out the door. Didn't these slags learn anything from that dumbass call girl Sarah Larson?!

With George, you gotta put on a Benjamin Button's mask, pretend you're Brad Pitt, hop on that dick and then get knocked up! And you keep your lips shut until the fetus is comfortably ready to pop. Then you start blabbing and collect your check. I swear. Someone should really teach a class to cocktail waitresses/models at the Learning Annex called How To Catch The Clooney in 5 Easy Steps.

The other night in Miami, George Clooney spent 4 hours inside of a restaurant becoming one with a tequila bottle. Georgie's drunktardian ass finally wobbled out of the place with two Sarah Larson-wannabes at his side. Seriously, this is the best George could do? I mean, was The Millionaire Matchmaker throwing one of her "mixers" inside that restaurant, because that's where these two bottom-of-the-barrel bitches look like they came from. Actually, I don't think Patti Stanger would approve of them and that's saying everything. AND HOW!

Georgie ended up leaving with one of the tricks and they went back to his hotel room to play "tickle the cornhole." But by the look on Georgie's face it didn't get that far. He nibbled on her nipple a bit, barfed on her booby and then passed the fuck out. Oh how I love booze. Sometimes it really saves you when you're about to do some nasty shit with a fug ass bitch.

George Clooney might be on some of the best shit Chad has to offer in this vlog for NBC. Or maybe he's just got a bad case of the tireds because the gross bathroom next to his bed area is keeping him up all night.

While in Chad, George gives us a tour of the bathroom that makes him "ewww" inside. I'm sure George is used to solid gold toilets and bidets that squirt Evian up his ass, but that bathroom isn't that much of a horror show. My bare nalgas have touched worst toilet seats than that one (SHUT UP). And you haven't lived until you've flushed a toilet with a bucket. I had to do that for a whole year, because our super was a lazy boozer who told me just to "destroy the poop logs with my own piss." No joke.

For the finale of this video, George does his best Andy Rooney impersonation. George does a good Rooney, but there's also a little Jack Nicholson as The Joker in there.

And OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG, I just realized those walls have seen George Clooney's wang. They'll never wash themselves again. Not that they were planning to.

Yes, ER is still on the air. No, I don't know if people still watch it. Yes, this season is its last. Because the show's 15th season will be its last, Dr. Doug Ross will return for an episode or two or three. George Clooney's last appearance on that shit was in 2000. That was at the lake house, right? I think I remember that but I was stoned and boozed through most of 2000 and 2001.

People says that a closed set was ordered to keep George's return a big secret. NBC and the other bitches wouldn't confirm, so we don't know how many episodes he's doing. Last year, George said "fuck no" to returning.

Georgie should lick on ER's nutsack! He owes that show. If it wasn't for ER, he'd probably be holding his barf in while dancing with my arch rival CHERYL BURKE on Dancing with the Has-Beens. Seriously, that show helped make his life! Well, one of the shows that made him super famous. He also has to give up a taint slap to Roseanne and Facts of Life (Booker & Burnett 4EVA).

This might just be another fairy tale from the pages of Life&Style, but if it's not, I will be holding auditions next week to replace George Clooney's place in my no-heart. Life&Style says he might, just might, be dating Parasite Hilton. Barf on me, because this is hurtful.

The two have apparently met up twice just before Christmas. A friend of Wonky's (probably one of her evil crabs) said they had drinks at the Whiskey Bar alone. The crab friend said, "Paris and George sat and talked together for ages. They didn't seem to be aware of anyone else in the room."

Some other source said the two also had dinner with a group of whores at Dan Tana's the next night.

How can George sit there without worrying about Wonky's twat maggots crawling into his pants and nibbling on his peen? If Brad Pitt should ever make George's dreams come true by turning gay, George is going to have no peen to offer him!

I know George loves the sluts, but this is just beyond. Wonky isn't just your regular cocktail waitress who moonlights as a professional dick sucker at night, she's a straight-up nuclear zone. If he wants to find another beard to replace Robot Call Girl, he should try to find one that's not going to make him the free clinic's #1 customer. Besides, Wonky probably can't even strap-on for him! Whenever something rubbery gets close to her puss-inferno, it melts into a puddle. That would make George sad!

Here's Wonky still terrorizing Australia yesterday. KEEP HER!

George Clooney dodges marriage the same way most gynecologists dodge Wonky McValtrex's diseased snatch. Well, the man who wants nothing to do with marriage has spoken out against California's gay marriage ban.

Georgie told E!'s Ted Casablanca: "At some point in our lifetime, gay marriage won't be an issue, and everyone who stood against this civil right will look as outdated as George Wallace standing on the school steps keeping James Hood from entering the University of Alabama because he was black."

Ignore all those words he said. Forget that. He was really saying, "Michael, if you make Prop. 8 disappear, I will marry you legally in California without a pre-nup." Seriously, he said that! Put your ear to his statement above. Tell me you don't hear what I hear. I'm not crazy! I even asked my dog and he heard the exact same thing I did. I'm not insane! Take that, Robot Call Girl!

George! I will make it go away. I will trade the Mormons my stash of Mother's Cookies if they drop that Prop 8 shit. Hey, Mother's Cookies are a hot commodity! Or maybe I can offer them a month-long visit with Spaghetti Cat. Who doesn't love Spaghetti Cat?!

On a serious note, there's a few Prop 8 protests tonight and tomorrow. There's one in NYC tonight. Visit GLAAD for more info on that shit.

And here's my hopefully future ex-husband and his hairy pubestache leaving Dan Tana's in West Hollywood last night.

In "Burning After Reading," George Clooney plays a sex addict who carries around the "The Liberator Ramp" and a vibrator called "The Silky." Page Six reports that the sales of both sex toys are on the up thanks to George and the movie. Some retail person said: "Small mentions of adult products in mainstream media can have an outsized effect on sales."

That ramp shit is obviously for dude-on-chick sex, but I'm still curious about it. Is it like training wheels? The website says "it strategically lifts your lover's hips to an altitude of 12 inches, offering access at critical angles that accentuate sensitivity."

It's priced at $112. I'm all for using shit to make your fuckey times experience more enjoyable, but couldn't you just use sofa cushions? And that shit better be machine washable. Genital juices start to really reek after a couple of days. Especially chunky ass jelly.

Speaking of asses, the ramp also allows sluts to do it doggy style for longer. I'm guessing it helps keep the dick from falling out. Because when the dick slips out, it really affects the mood in the room. Which reminds me. In straight porn, when the dick falls out, the dude usually slaps the chick's chocha with his peen a few times. What is the point of that? Is he preparing it for re-entry?

Page Six has a little update on everyone's least-favorite robot call girl who fucked up the chance of a lifetime. Sarah Larson has moved on from George Clooney and is dating some Las Vegas promoter who goes by the name of Joey Vanas. Yup, that tidbit is about as interesting as your first morning piss. Although, the first morning piss is pretty great.

However, Page Six also claims Robot Call Girl cheated on Clooney in Las Vegas. She's a double-booker! Isn't that a hooker no no? A rebel call girl! A source said that while she was with Clooney, she "came to Vegas for a weekend and cheated on him with a media mogul." Oprah! How could you do that to Clooney?!

What was Robot Call Girl supposed to do? It's not like Clooney was lubing up her parts. I'm a little curious as to who this "media mogul" is. Although, the better question would probably be: "Who in Las Vegas hasn't tapped her hardrive?"