Ashlee Simpson

Asshole Simpson was probably crying in her daddy's lap (and he loooves it), because everyone forgot she existed. Even her baby's name is more famous than she is.

So when some bitches started calling Jessica a fat fuck cow who uses the jelly in donuts to brush her teeth and smothers her face in cake frosting before bedtime so that if she wakes up in the middle of the night there's a delicious surprise waiting for her, Asshole found an opportunity to get a little attention. The poster child for famewhoring wrote this on her blog:

I am completely disgusted by the headlines concerning my sister's weight. A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman's weight or figure as a headline on Fox News.

All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you're a celebrity, there shouldn't be a different standard.

Is this something you would say to your wife, daughter, mother, grandmother, or even a friend? I seriously doubt it. How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure?

Now can we focus on the things that really matter.

Somewhere in the world, Ashlee's old nose is thinking, "Bitch, shut up."

Asshole should really consult with Jessica before she pulls a JLove and starts throwing around the "size 2" shit. Jessica responded to the "You so fat that you start beeping when you back up" jokes to OK!, "Going from a size 2 to a size 8, that's not fat. If I weren't Jessica Simpson, no one would care."

In Asshole's defense, she can only count up to 2.

And what does the president have to do with Jessica's fopa? I'm going to start using that excuse when the creditors call, "I'm disgusted that you are calling me about being ten payments behind. It's only been a week since the inauguration. Let's focus on the things that really matter!"

P.S. - You can go back to forgetting that fucktard named Ashlee Simpson. Delete and reboot.

Asshlee and Pete are so much better than Brangelina! They don't whore out their baby on the cover of magazines for some quick cash. Real talk: There weren't any buyers and that's the fucking truth. Papa Joe is crying in his favorite rubber bagina this morning because of this.

So Ass and Pete decided to post the first picture of Bronx Mowgli on Pete's website. BMw Baby is probably always sleeping, because would you want to face the reality that your parents are a pair of saggy vaginas? No, probably not. He wakes up, sees them and goes back to fucking bed.

And if Ass and Pete really wanted to give their baby a meaningful gift for Christmas, they would've given him the gift of a new damn name. He will never forgive him for this. But hey, at least he has a valid excuse for everything! When he gets into trouble, he can just say, "It's your fault. You named me Bronx Mowgli." Point taken and filed.

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson went on The Dog Whisperer before she popped out Bronx Mowgli, because they just weren't getting along, constantly biting at each other and fighting over who is pack leader. Yes, I know. Hit the gong!

Anyway, Ass and Pete really sought the advice of Cesar Milan, because their bulldogs, Hemingway and Rigby, weren't behaving. Ass is afraid how they are going to act with Bronx Mowgli around. Um. In order for the dogs to act sane, Ass and Pete have to move far away from their asses. Imagine being around those two dirty tampons all day. You'd go crazy too with the scent period blood always in the air.

Cesar does his usual shit like teaching Hemingway how to walk on the treadmill, etc.... I'm always shocked at this shit. There's no way in cat cookie hell that my dog would ever get on a damn treadmill, let alone walk on it. The minute I placed him on some kind of contraption that would force him to walk, he would grab all his shit and hit the road for Los Angeles where nobody walks. The lazy bitch wouldn't make it that far though. He would collapse in the hallway from exhaustion.

Ass and Pete's episode airs December 28th. Cesar should come back to teach them how to raise Bronx Mowgli. For real.

And why do celebwhores' houses always look like Z Gallerie, Pottery Barn and Cher's Sanctuary catalog exploded all over it?

Sorry if that headline made your lunch creep up into your throat. Thankfully, I don't get visuals, because I can't picture these two vaginas doing anything past tickling or light petting. I still have no idea how they actually had a baby together. Pete's lil' soldier (that's what they call it) probably accidentally slipped in Asshole's hooha (again, that's what they call it) while they were involved in an intense tickling game.

Pete Wentz wants us to believe that they actually fuck each other. On Howard Stern's radio show this morning, Pete said that Asshole Simpson lets him stick it in her no-no every now and again. Please. That bitch is no Anal Ashlee. Pete's the one who gets it in his assmouth. He probably uses Ashlee's old nose to do it with.

Pete also said that their sex life is so amazing, "If we had been on this show last year, we'd probably be doing it in the green room right now." They don't do it anymore, because of Bronx Mowgli, but they do "other fun stuff." The "other fun stuff" is probably playing Barbies and making cakes with their Easy Bake Oven. They might even play Operation together, but even that's a little too much anatomy for them.

Pete said Ashlee gives the most amazing lap dances and loves to wear thongs for him. He said it took a while to convince her to bump snatches with him, but once they did, it was amazing. "It was at the Soho Grand Hotel [in New York City], and I'm looking in the mirrors, [thinking], 'Oh my God, you are [sleeping with] the girl of your dreams, and you can watch yourself!'"

Pete's been watching soft-core movies on Cinemax late at night again, right? That's where he came up with all this crap to tell Howard.

And you know Papa Joe's genitals exploded while he listened to this interview. Check your roof. Papa Joe's blown off peen might be laying up there.

Source

(Thanks Da Explora)

Pete Wentz wrote on his blog yesterday that BMw Baby is "cute" and "looks like his mommy." Um. Which version of his mommy? There's been a few. The bitch has been through more redesigns than the fucking Nissan Sentra. And I guess by "looks like his mommy," he means the baby is one gigantic chin with little arms and legs and a severe acid reflux problem. My suspicious have been confirmed!

Pete also responded to the rumors that nobody wants to buy pictures of their baby.

About baby pics gossip: truth is like every celeb couple we were offered
mounds and mounds of money by mags from here to Guam to pimp out the baby. We just don’t want to go down that road with him.

We are not placing judgment on those that do as they often use the money in a very charitable way. However, we have made the decision to not sell Bronx’s baby pictures right now. We understand that like other celebrities have said, “there is a bounty on our heads” for these pictures. There is a danger when there are cameras being held over walls and into our backyard. We are followed day and night and that was fine when it was us but we are going to do our best to shelter Bronx from that as much as possible. Its scary to be followed by 10 cars to your home. We understand the curiosity, just not the viciousness that comes along with it when it becomes so insatiable. We know there will be a time when we’ll share him with everyone because that insatiable curiousity becomes unsafe or simply because we’re proud parents who want to show him off! We know our fans support and care about us and want to know about our family and we’ve always been straight up and open with those who care about us most, so at some time, when it makes sense, Bronx will be out in the world.

They have an OK! Magazine in Guam? Pete and Ashlee really are better than Brangelina by keeping their baby to themselves and not selling out for quick cash. That would be really honorable if it was true. Chinocchio needs to stop his lie-telling before his chin gets so big that he'll have to start claiming it on his taxes. There's no way Papa Joe would ever turn down mounds of cash. He wouldn't even turn down a Mounds candy bar for the pics!!!

Real talk: they weren't offered shit, so they decided to wait until after Bronx Mowgli's plastic surgery makeover before they try to hit up the magazines again.

When Ashlee Simpson told her big daddy man (that's what she calls him) she was knocked up with a soon-to-be horribly named baby, he probably pictured dollars falling from the sky and into his crotch. The things he was going to do with all that money: a Jessica Simpson real doll, a new "security camera" system for Jessica's house.... the list was endless. Well, there isn't any money falling from the heavens, because nobody wants to pay for pictures of BMw Baby.

A source told Page Six that Ash and Pete are trying to sell the exclusive first pictures of Bronx Mowgli, but there aren't any takers. "Pete and Ashlee have approached every single celebrity magazine with offers to sell their first photos, but nobody wants them. Covers of them tend not to sell well."

The magazines probably realized they could just publish a free picture of a giant chin covered in eyeliner with an Emo wig on top and nobody would really know the difference. Poor little attention whores... I'm sure Papa Joe is already working on Plan B: sell the baby to Hot Topic, Disney, the City of New York or the BMW corporation.

Image: Wireimage

A spokeswhore for OK! Magazine told Page Six that some poor bitch is getting their ass fired right before Thanksgiving for spelling Ashlee Simpson's name wrong on this week's cover. The rep said, "It is highly embarrassing and, sadly, someone will probably be fired."

You know, Papa Joe should take the fall for spelling her name wrong in the first place! And Asshole and Pete should both be fired from life for naming their child Bronx Mowgli!

VIA Cover Awards

Asshole and Pete's Emo baby's name is still Bronx Mowgli Wentz. I was half expecting them to say it was all a joke and his real name is Morrissey Smith after their two idols. True story: my chola cousin wanted to get knocked up when she was 15 just so she could name her baby Morrissey Smith. Thankfully, that ho turned lezzie a year later and didn't have a baby.

Pete talked to Ryan Gaycrest on his KIIS-FM radio show this morning and explained why they ruined a poor child's life by naming him Bronx Mowgli Wentz.

The vagina said: "I feel weird—people have all these ideas of what it means now. I think it's kind of cool to leave the narrative the way it is. People are stoked or pissed or whatever…I don't think anybody knows the real story of why or how. We came up with the idea Bronx, we'd been throwing it back and forth a while ago. The Jungle Book is something me and Ashlee bonded over. It's really cool."

Not a good enough reason. I had a boyfriend once and we only bonded over Arby's and ecstasy. Seriously, we only liked each other when we were on ecstasy or eating at Arby's. The other times we hated each other.

We both were in awe of Arby's horsey sauce. We would order extra servings of it and pour it on everything, even spaghetti. Anyway, does that mean we would have named our kid Ecstasy Horsey Sauce? Actually, that's still a better name than Bronx Mowgli!

VIA E! Online

Asshole Simpson and Pete Wentz's Emo Baby decided to take his chances and finally come out, but he will probably regret that decision for the rest of his life! Asshole finally popped out a baby boy yesterday in Los Angeles after being pregnant for like 2 or 3 years at least! He weighed in at 7 lbs., 11 oz., and was 20 1/2 inches long and these two dumb fuck douche bags named the poor boy BRONX MOWGLI WENTZ. As if he didn't have it bad enough with these two as parents, the big-tittied frog as an aunt and Papa Joe as his pepaw. BRONX MOWGLI? He's probably already on his way to his lawyer's office to file for emancipation from his parents. Naming a kid that is child abuse.

I mean, BRONX MOWGLI? First of all, his initials are BMW! Trust me. That wasn't a coincidence. They just want free shit. Second of all, his short initials are BM. Third of all, the name Mowgli is already taken by that boy from "The Jungle Book"! I knew these short bus rejects would deliver a truly busted baby name, but they took the fucking cake, ate it, barfed it up and then ate it again.

A spokeswhore for Ass & Pete said, "Ashlee, Pete and baby Bronx are all healthy and happy, and thank everyone for their well wishes!"

Correction: BMW is not happy. Ass and Pete may think he's crying, because he's a little baby, but that's not the case. He's crying because his name is BMW and he already hates life!!! With a name like BMW, he can either be a low-rent neighborhood rapper or a low-rent neighborhood DJ.

Somewhere in the world, Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale has stopped crying over his name and is finally smiling, because someone has an even fuglier name than him.

Source

Yes, this is an old ass picture of Ashlee and Jessica B.S. (Before Surgeries). So...Asshole Simpson has been pregnant...oh...for about 2 or 3 years now, at least. There were rumors over the weekend that Emo Baby was about to make his grand entrance, but apparently that didn't happen. The big-tittied frog went on The Ellen Degeneres Show and blabbed that her sister can't wait to pop.

Jessica told Ellen that Asshole may induce labor, "They're going to have to. It's already developing really quick." She went on to say that Asshole is trying everything to get Emo Baby to come out, "Different foot massages and stuff. I don't know. I think she's really just jumping around trying everything right now."

This is the thing, that baby is stalling for time. It does not want to come the fuck out and can you blame it? It's sitting in there, arms crossed, pout on its face, thinking "Nope. Not today. Not ever." Asshole better come to terms with the fact that she's going to be pregnant for the rest of her life. She's going to be a 54-year-old woman, knocked up with an overgrown 30-year-old. Emo Baby's leg is going to be hanging out of her snatch and its hand will be coming out of her ass, but it will still refuse to come out.

You know how they can trick Emo Baby into popping out? Ass and Pete need to tell it that they will put it up for adoption as soon as it comes out. That baby would jump out with the adoption papers ready to sign before Ass could say "acid reflux."

Source: People