Ashlee Simpson

Papa Joe on his knocked up daughter:

"The day she found out she was pregnant, she became a woman." He also said that he wants his grandchild to call him "Papa Joe."

Why did I picture him drooling from his (blank) while saying this? Now I need a Wet-Nap bath.

Source VIA Jezebel

One of Papa Joe's cash pigs turned 24 on Friday and celebrated with a "white trash" themed party at his house in Encino, CA. Last year, Asshole Simpson threw an 80s theme party for her ugly barfday. What's next year? A stupiddumbtalentlessbitch theme party? They can go dressed as themselves!

A source who went to the party tells People that the menu included corn dogs, macaroni and cheese, chicken fingers and french fries. Shit, that's a boring menu. Where's the Ritz Cracker apple pie? The Kool-Aid spritzers? The Hungry Man frozen meals? The chipped beef dip? The Frito nachos? Once again Asshole Simpson has FAILED. If she was smart, she would've asked Brit Brit to cater that shit.

The source went on to say, "Ashlee wore Daisy Dukes and platform flip-flops with a bathing suit and a fake tattoo around her belly. Joe wore a cut-off muscle T-shirt and a mullet wig. It was funny. Jessica was wearing a crazy leopard-print dress that showed off a lot of cleavage."

You know, I bet you this "source" only thinks it was a white trash party, but it really wasn't. It was just the Simpsons hanging out in their backyard, being themselves.

For my birthday next year, I'm going to have an "Asshole and Pete" themed party. Everyone can come dressed up as emo vaginas, gigantic noses and dirty tampons. I'll serve bullshit stew and acid reflux cocktails.

Double the fug alert! The world is barely ready for one Emo baby, now some friend of Vagina Wentz claims Asshole Simpson is popping out twins. The stock for flat irons just went up. Yes, there is a stock for flat irons. Check!

Petey's friend, Tyga, told E!, “They’re having twins. They’re really happy.” And we're really barfy.

I'm still getting over the "fact" that Pete has a penis. A penis that he stuck into Asshole's vagina. It's like junior high school sex education class all over again. This info makes me feel uncomfortable, dirty and confused. I'm also giggling like Tommy Girl during a prostate exam.

A spokesbitch for the two twats denies she's popping out twins: "It is not true."

I think Rumer Willis is crossing her tater fingers, hoping Asshole pops out two babies. That's going to double her chances that a bigger tater head than her will exist on earth.

Here's Ashlee farting around in Los Angeles the other day.

Poor Emo Baby already has two dirty tampons for parents, a major vagina for a pepaw, a raggedy dildo for an auntie, and now she's going to have a major douche for a godfather. Homegirl is screwed. Get the emancipation papers ready.

Some nosy skank told The Sun that Pete Wentz will ask John Mayer to be Emo Baby's godfather. Asshole Simpson agrees because the bitch can't think for herself.

The source said, "Pete and John have been spending a lot of time together lately and they get on so well. They are firm friends. John gets a bad rap and is always portrayed as a bad boy but he's got a heart of gold. Pete and Ashlee know that and they think he would make a great godparent. But they are holding back asking him at the moment because they are not sure how Ashlee's sister Jessica would feel about her ex having such a strong link to her new niece."

How Jessica is going to feel? Papa Joe will never let this happen. He already has his own ideas of who the godparents should be. He's going to sell the exlusive rights to some corporation. So don't be surprised if it's announced that Manic Panic and Hot Topic are Emo Baby's godparents.

Here's Emo Baby's godfather leaving the gym yesterday. He would be kind of hot if it wasn't for that fugly rose on his shoulder. The last thing I want to see when I'm riding is the pony is a big, fat rose. Roses make me think of Rose Nylund which makes me think of Betty White. You do not want to be thinking about Betty White when you're getting it in the prune hole.

Ass and Pete's little Emo Baby is going to be a girl. That's sweet. All of three of them can share tampons when Emo Baby gets older.

A source told Star (via SAWF) that Ass and Pete also found out Emo Baby's due date, "The doctor told them they actually conceived the baby just before Valentine's Day while they were on vacation and has given them an initial due date of Oct. 31. When Pete heard he might have his baby on Halloween, he went nuts. For an emo-rocker type like Pete, that would be just too perfect!" Oh shit. This means her name is going to be Elvira or Siouxsie Sioux.

There's probably a bunch of babies up in heaven, playing a never-ending game of "rock, paper, scissors" trying to decide who's going to get stuck with these two twats.

I still don't believe that she could get pregnant just by rubbing vaginas with Pete. I won't believe it's their baby until it pops out with flat-ironed hair, eyeliner for days and a severe case of acid reflux.

A Simpson boy is coming.... A tattler-taler from Petit Tresor, the only baby store celebskanks go to, told CelebTV.com that Ass Simpson and Vagina Wentz filled out a baby registry and almost everything on the list is blue. That really doesn't mean anything. The blue diapers and baby rattlers they registered for could have been a gift for Papa Joe. He likes to roleplay.

The tattler-taler said, “They [Simpson and Wentz] made it very clear that it was a boy.” Fall Out Boy!

Does Petit Tresor carry baby flat-irons and baby eyeliner?

Oh shit. They are totally going to name the poor thing "Emo." Let's send subliminal messages to Emo Baby telling him to run for the door as soon as he pops out of Ass' vag. We'll have a getaway car waiting with Latarian Milton in the driver's seat.

I know Asshole's the one carrying eyeliner baby, but Jessica looks like she's holding something too. That dress from the Angelina Jolie maternity collection isn't helping either. Seriously, Jess is the knocked up one and Ass is just pretending. Pete Wentz's vagina jizz can't make a baby! If Asshole's baby doesn't have a chin that sweeps the floor, we'll know who the real daddy and mommy is.

In other Ass news, UsWeekly reports that she's postponed her summer concer tour. Her rep said, "After careful consideration, Ashlee Simpson has decided to postpone her summer tour. She is committed to giving her fans the best show possible, and will be back better than ever and ready to rock in the future."

Summer concert tour? Papa Joe is delusional! Where the hell was she planning on playing? Mini-mall parking lots and middle school cafeterias? The dumb bitch couldn't sell out my bathroom. Besides, there's already enough stinky shit in there. Badum-ching!

After all the stupid ass denials, Asshole and Pete confirmed on the website Friends Or Enemies that they are expecting a little baby. Looks like we might have a new contestant in the fugliest baby of the year contest!

These two dumb whores wrote:

"While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child. This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family."

SHOTGUN!

Are we sure Papa Joe ain't the daddy? I refuse to believe that these two twats actually do sex. Pete only sticks the tip in, gets nervous, pulls out and then starts giggling like a school girl. I don't even think Pete can produce semen!

Pete Wentz thinks he's a comedian. He walked around yesterday wearing a paper plate on his face which read: "Your ad could be here... Email: Jon@douchebag.com." Don't go to douchebag.com! It's a porn portal. Great, Petey is sending the kiddies to a porn site.

Now if we can just get his wifey to wear one of those over her face.

TMZ reports that Ass and Pete pocketed $1.4 million from People for exclusive pictures of their trash bag wedding. However, there was a catch. Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo had to be at the wedding. That's why they put a little picture of Jess and Romo on the cover, because they sell.

Papa Joe reportedly took all the pictures, so they could get even more money. Yeah, right. He only wanted to be the "official photographer" so that he could take pictures of Asshole getting ready. Barf.

Jess and Romo attended the wedding together even though it was reported they had broken up. So did cold hard cash bring Romo to the party? Doesn't that bitch have enough money on his own?

The bigger question here is, how much money did Hemingway the bulldog get? He's suffered the most in all of this. I mean his name is Hemingway and look what he was forced to wear!