Ashlee Simpson

It's time to give it up and call it a day when your clothing line makes Heidi Montag's line look like some couture shit. Asshole Simpson designed a t-shirt line for Wet Seal to help market her shitty ass CD. Who the fuck would want this bitch's ass face all over their t-shirt? I wouldn't even use her ass face to wipe my own ass.

Click here if you want to buy this shit, but be aware that your computer will laugh at you once you hit "process order."

And since I've already hurt your eyes, I might as well hurt your ears as well. Here's Asshole on Leno last night. She should have lip-synched and then danced a jig. It would have been more entertaining.

Source: ONTD

Thanks Laurie

This whole "Is Asshole pregnant?" drama is so disorganized. Niecy Nash and the "Clean House" team need to come in and fix this shit. It's a mess! One minute they aren't pregnant, then they are, then they aren't. Stick with one fucking story.

Asshole was on "Today" this morning and was asked about her possible emo baby in the oven. She answered, "Only time will tell. Rumors have been going on for about a year now. I am giving birth to my record... that's my baby."

Well, your baby should be dumped into the clearance bin immediately. I've heard it and it reeks. Hopefully, all the press on this no-talent ho still won't be enough to save her "baby" from being a total flop.

Here's Ass at a Conde Nasty (typo, but I'm keeping it) Traveler party last night. This bitch needs to learn how to keep people guessing about her pregnancy. She should have worn an empire waist dress and held her bump a lot. Do I have to teach this plastic bitch everything?

Papa Joe really knows how to fuck things up. Well, he is responsible for bringing Ashlee and Jessica into the world. Page Six reports that Papa is already trying to make deals with the magazines for Ashlee's exclusive baby pictures. He's asking 1 million dollars. Yeah, dollars and not pesos.

Papa Joe wants to take the pictures himself, so they can make even more money. Those disposable camera pictures are going to look really good.

One magazine editor said the bitch ain't worth $1 million. Shit, she ain't even worth $100,000! They said she could probably get "$60,000 maybe - but definitely not a million. The timing is a little suspicious. Her album ['Bittersweet World'] is dropping next week, and there was little to no interest until now. Ashlee's lucky she got pregnant, frankly."

Oh shit! Lucky she got pregnant! Who is this magazine editor? They are my new best friend. Ashlee is just as brain dead as her daddy. There's no way you should let someone named Papa Joe run your career. Yes, his name is Joe Simpson, but I'm sure he's legally changed it to Papa Joe already.

Besides, why the helly hell are magazines going to buy pictures of that baby when all they have to do is go down to central casting, pick out a newborn, put some black eyeliner on it, make it pout and voila! A Simpson/Wentz spawn.

Below are pictures of Ass and Pete being gross and showing off her engagement ring. It looks like a really shiny pearl stuck in between two rotten oysters.

I am blaming Papa Joe for all of this, because Asshole Simpson can't think for herself. Pete has denied she was knocked up and then Asshole sort of denied it. Well, People Magazine claims Ass is definitely pregnant. Their family source claims she's expecting a faux Emo baby and that she will get married to Pete in May.

Ass was on TRL yesterday and when asked if she was pregnant, she answered, "I just think it's an inappropriate question to ask any woman. For me, that's something that I didn't ever want to respond to, because I think it's an inappropriate question." Is this an inappropriate question: Are you a dumb fuck?!

OK! Magazine also has pictures of what they think is a baby bump, but I just think it's all the air in her vagina escaping. It seems to me that the media is trying to fuck this bitch until she gets pregnant.

Papa Joe must be stopped!

Pete Wentz has already denied that his douche semen knocked up Ashlee. However, Ashlee wants to keep the fun and games going. She talked about the rumors during a taping of MTV's TRL today.

Ass dodged the pregnancy question and said that if all the rumors about her were true she "would have had a baby by now." How do we know she hasn't had a baby by now? I always thought Jessica's baby girl, Daisy, sort of looked like Ashlee. Daisy has Ashlee's original nose.

All this "is she or isn't she" pregnant crap is Papa Joe's doing. He saw how much attention Beyonce was getting for her "maybe wedding," so he decided to produce his own version with lame results.

Here's Ass, Jess, Daisy and Tina Simpson at JFK yesterday. Daisy, I know you're Ass' secret love child! Bark twice if I'm right.

UPDATE: Asshole denied she was knocked up to Life & Style. They asked her if the rumors were true and she said "NO!" A source also told the magazine that Ass would never get knocked up before marriage, because her daddy is so religious. The source said, “Because she’s so religious, she’d definitely want to be married before bringing a child into the world.” Religious my ass lips! God doesn't like lip-synchers.

Pete Wentz tore himself away from the flat iron to deny the rumors that Ashlee is knocked up. Pete wrote this e-mail to MTV today:

"There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me. I can't wait for the story about how I'm really in a gay relationship and this is all just a cover. ... I mean really, this is crazy. ... I mean we're engaged, that's true, and happy about it."

I told you they didn't have sex! InTouch is totally working on the "Pete Wentz in gay relationship" cover for next week. They can use the picture above. I mean, they make a pretty gay couple.

Papa Joe was totally holding a rifle to Pete's head while he was writing that denial.

UsWeekly claims Ashlee Simpson is knocked up! Their "source" confirms that she's expecting a baby with Pete Wentz. The two announced their engagement recently.

You need to have sex in order to get pregnant! These two just lay in bed giggling and drawing black hearts on each other's thighs. They might get into heavy petting, but that's about it.

If Ashlee is knocked up, she's going to give birth to black eyeliner. It will have its father's eyes and its mother's personality.

You know that after Jessica Simpson heard this news, she started frantically poking holes in condoms and replacing her birth control pills with Tic-Tacs. Jessica will not be outdone!

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz just announced their engagement. Try not to roll your eyes too much or they'll stay that way forever. Asshole posted this message on the Friends or Enemies website:

We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, but we wanted you to hear it straight from us."

Papa Joe confirmed to People and said he's "totally happy" and "so excited to have Pete as part of (our) family." You know that man is crying inside. At least he still has Jessica. Nobody's going to marry her annoying ass unless he pays them. Papa Joe probably coordinated this shit. Ashlee does have a new album coming out soon. Publicity stunt!

Her maid of honor is totally going to be a flat iron and his best man is going to be black eyeliner.

Harrison Ford got loaded with Shrek semen at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards last night. That slime is probably what the inside of his catheter bag looks like. I'm yanking him! Harrison has still got it. I mean, he has the earring to prove it.

I actually sat and watched some of this shit. I only did it, because there were rumors that Brit Brit was going to perform. You know what happened the last time she performed, so I couldn't miss this possible mess fiesta. Not surprisingly, she didn't perform. It really hurts when people lie to you. Especially kids. Yes, I blame the kids.

So....here are some of the scallywags that came out for the children. Brendan Fraser's on-again-off-again fake hair needs to be turned off permanently. I'm starting to think it's actual grass grow on his head and he dyes it brown.

One day I really want to pour a glass of water all over the top of Asshole and Pete's heads. Those two would blow up just thinking about their perfectly straight hair possibly turning wavy. I don't think they could function if their hair was not straight.

Why must the Simpson women insist on making their lips look like inflamed anal glands? I'm guessing Papa Joe makes them do it. He's always struck me as an asshole kind of man.

Here's Asshole lunching with friends yesterday and by "lunching" I mean she had a piece of bread and a lemon water.