Tara Reid

Tara Reid just can't stop getting thirstay for the sweet sweet nectar. America's biggest wreck got out of rehab a few of months ago and I guess that shit didn't stick. Tara was in Cannes over the weekend looking like she just crawled out of an Andre bottle that was laying in the gutter for a couple of weeks. Even her weave tracks are trying to sneak out down below, because they are sick of her constant drunkery. Bitch's barfy weave looks like something Kim Zolciak's road kill wig farted up. Tara needs a rake and some Hazmat-made conditioner.

And is it just me or does Tara's boyfriend-thing kind of look like Michael Imperioli's older and slower brother?

Ultimate drunktard Tara Reid is now working her way up the 12 steps to staying relevant by checking herself into a little known rehab facility known as Promises Malibu. I guess Celebrity Rehab was all booked up?

Her spokeswhore told People, "Tara Reid has checked herself into Promises Treatment Center. We appreciate your respect to her and her family's privacy at this time."

The spokeswhore wouldn't say what she's being treated for. That's probably because the list is endless and nobody really has that kind of time. The better question would be, "What isn't the bitch addicted to?"

While she's in there, she should also have a contractor, Ty Pennington, a few set decorators, the bomb squad and Bob the Builder come in to look at her war zone tummy. While she's detoxing, she might as well fix the monster on her belly.

And because Tara's in the tank, the booze industry is going to take a big hit, so we need to do our part! This weekend, for every 1 cocktail you drink, drink 6 more for Tara!

Usually when I ask the age old question "Would You Hit It?", I'm referring to a bitch with a dick. This has prompted some coochie lovers to write me and ask why I'm forgetting about them. Well, cooze lickers, this one's one for you. Although, I'm not sure what's really left of Tara Reid's vaginal area. I think parts of it were removed to reconstruct her falling stomach. Her stomach still looks like Mischa Barton's oatmeal thighs.

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to say that I would definitely not get with this shit. More for you! Don't get me wrong, I would go lesbo for certain chicks, but this trick is not the one. I'd rather make out with a cold bowl of butterless grits.

Here's Tara and her traumatized body parts aimlessly wandering around Miami yesterday.

Yesterday, I posted some story about Tara Reid getting engaged to a French fashion executive dude named Julien Jarmoune. Well, Tara's rep told UsWeekly: “It’s just a rumor, not true."

You know what else isn't true? Tara's dude is not blind! During my post yesterday, I got all jokey and said Julien must be legally blind because I couldn't figure out why he would marry that bag of saggy plastic. It was a dumb stupid joke and some people took it as fact! The dude is not blind. However, he should have his eyes checked just in case. I'm sure it's not healthy on the eyeballs to look at Tara's melted Saran Wrap belly on a daily basis.

There you have it! Tara is not engaged, Julien is not blind and I really need a jelly donut. Seriously, my stomach is crying out for one, but I'm too lazy to walk across the street. I'll just put a little Smuckers on a piece of white bread, roll it up, sprinkle sugar on it and then microwave it for like a minute. Voila! Instant jelly donut.

Owner of the most grotesque frankenbellies in the world, Tara Reid, is engaged to Julien Jarmoune. Julien is a French fashion executive for J & Company. Julien is also legally blind. That's not confirmed, but I don't have any other reason on why he would marry Tara Reid.

One of Tara's friends told The National Enquirer that the two met while Tara was doing research for her own fashion line. The friend went on to say, "Tara's really in love with this guy, and he's had an amazingly calming effect on her."

Does the "amazingly calming effect" he provides her with come in powder form? Everyone knows the way to Tara's heart is through her nose.

Tara's friend also said that Julien has been a good influence on her. "She's trying to clean up her reputation. Julien has definitely changed Tara for the better. It looks like she's finally gotten her act together. They're talking about a wedding next summer."

Wonky Tits Tara is going to make a beautiful summer bride. I'm sure she's already ordered a custom made replica of this wedding dress.

Tara Reid is most likely not even drunk in these pictures. Her face just always has that drunk look. It's probably years and years of being a drunk whore that her face just kind of molds that way every now and again. I love that she's wearing such a lady-like CZ necklace. I know where that ended up by the end of the night. Anal beads!

Speaking of lit, here's Kelly Osbourne in London last night. Now that she's a skinny bitch, she can't hold her booze. Oh the life of a no-talent celebrity! Up all night, sleep all day! That's right....ahhhhhhh....Sorry, I have that Slaughter song in my head.

I have no idea who Hofit Golan is, but she needs my help. Someone hand me my c-clamp, her titties need to be brought back together. They hardly know each other anymore and that isn't right. You could throw a ping pong ball in between her breasts and watch it go back and forth for hours. She wouldn't even notice it.

Hofit attended the same event as Tara Reid and I'm sure Tara was relieved to find out that she wasn't the only wonky-breasted whore in the room. Tara showed up to the Chinese New Year party in London with some Aladdin-dressed homo. Also spotted at the party was Roberto Cavalli and some other ho covered in body paint. That party looks a mess.

They needed to douse the joint in holy water.

Wenn

Tara Reid told OK! Magazine that she's not anorexic and that she's not a party girl boozer. She's responding to all the rumors that she's barfing up her food or not eating or something like that.

She said, “I’m not too thin. I go up 10 pounds, I go down 10 pounds. I was thin for a movie that I just finished [the upcoming horror film Vipers]. Now they’re going to see me and say I’m too fat because I’ve gained 10 pounds... I can’t win!" She's right, so why doesn't she just give up the game?

She also talked about all the stories of her being a drunk bitch, "If I have a drink in my hand, it doesn’t make me an alcoholic. If I want a glass of wine, I want a glass of wine. I shouldn’t be afraid of it because of what the media might say. Anything you do, you’re screwed. That’s the lesson I’ve learned."

She must have a really long clit, because her nose isn't growing from all the lies she's telling. Whorenocchio! She almost looks presentable in that pic above thanks to the magic of Photoshop. She looks 40 instead of 65.

Tara Reid was out in London last night looking like a million.......haypennies. Tara was partying with Alfie Allen, brother of Lily. Someone has to carry on the Allen family name of being a drunken party girl. Alfie fit the party wearing a glittery cowboy hat.

Tara Reid is such a piece of trash and isn't she broke? How the hell is she paying for her booze? She was probably giving handjobs for shots of vodka.

Mr. Paparazzi