Tara Reid

Let's all feel sad now, because according to Vin Diesel, there will never be a reboot of Ferris Bueller's Day Off called Bueller: 2 Fast 2 Ferris starring him, because he has way too many muscles on his body to play a role like that. The veiny penis with biceps tells Men's Fitness (via Vulture) that he only gets certain roles and it has nothing to do with him having the acting skills of an empty bottle of AXE body spray. It has to do with the fact that he's a bag of skin stuffed with muscles.

"Being a physical presence will rule you out of a lot of roles. I couldn't have done Ferris Bueller's Day Off with that physical presence. But I like it as part of me; it's part of what I represent, and I think if Humphrey Bogart were around today he'd be a lot bigger. Hollywood is more concerned about its male actors being in shape than its female actors."

My day has been made by the image of Humphrey Bogart's head on Vin Diesel's body. Vin is not giving himself enough credit, though. The Pacifier was a comedic masterpiece and Matthew Broderick could never have done it with his non-physical presence.

But with that being said, I know Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen get more shit from Hollywood about their bodies than Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy do (/sarcasm), but Vin Diesel is still wrong. Hollywood is concerned about everyone being in shape. It's Hollywood. It's the land of unrealistic everything. They want their dudes buff, their chicks skinny and they want their dogs to talk. How do you think my chihuahua feels when he watches a movie where the dog talks English and saves the world and shit? My dog can barely lick his own ass without falling over, so seeing a talking dog really screws with his self-esteem. But I just tell him, "It's make believe!"

And here's the dude we'll never see as Ferris Bueller at the Hollywood premiere of another one of those driving movies, which also brought out Ludacris, Terror Reid and Michelle Rodriguez.

Although, I don't think Tara Reid's ass was ever on the wagon. Shit, I don't even think she's searched Travelocity for a wagon ticket.

The original Lohan was drunk on Wednesday night and left Emerson Nightclub looking dozed off, broke off and fifty shades of fucked up. If you put her on a sofa and scattered Funyun crumbs all over her, she'd look exactly like me on a Sunday afternoon. The Daily Mail has pictures of Tara Reid walking around the streets barefoot. I don't know who Hazmat should visit first, her feets or the pavement. Apparently, Tara Reid gets barefoot drunk on the regular (DUH) and her friends are telling Radar that they're worried about her. They want her to go to rehab again. One source said this:

“Last night’s episode at the Emerson wasn’t a one off. Only a few weeks ago, Tara was sat at a VIP table next to the DJ slurring her words, unsteady on her feet and propped up on a friend’s shoulder most of the night. Everyone’s really concerned for her right now and we’ve all told her that she needs to calm down with the partying.

The way Tara’s behaving at the moment, she’s going to have to head back to rehab for treatment if she doesn’t get a grip on things — and more than a few pals have told her that, but she’s just ignoring everyone and continuing to do her thing. So, for now, all we can do is keep a close eye on her, see how she is and hope that she’s just going through a phase, and she’ll come to her senses again soon enough. It’s really tragic seeing her like this – after all, she’s 37 now. It’s not cool to be seen staggering out of nightclubs at that age."

The source can eat my drunk fart. I still have a few years before I get to 37, but if staggering out of a nightclub (or in my case, the Sizzler that's a $10 cab ride from my apartment) isn't cool, then I never want to be cool. And Tara Reid would've never gotten full Dina Lohan if Jedward were around. Looking at Jedward makes you feel like you're jacked up on acid, so you don't need any mind numbing substances to take you higher.

SOMEONE is in serious need of a gay in their life. Here is the original Lindsay Lohan (sans the criminal record that reads like the Iliad) Tara Reid, moon-walking the WRONG way through Paris with a mystery man on her arm and a severe case of WHAT. The. Fucking. Fuck. on her feet. What is going on there exactly? Is that duct tape?

Those fUGGs look like the Terminator had sex with my third grade galoshes, and that is some sick shit that I don't want to think about ever again. I don't know whether to re-attach my car bumper with them (it's a rural southern US thing, shut it) or wrap them around a baking potato. NO. I'm so messed up by her dire shoe situation I can't even bother caring about who the new trick is. Okay, you're right, I wouldn't have cared anyway, but my point is that shit is distracting.

Other than the Dollar Store dented Tin Can rejects, I have to say Tara is looking pretty decent-ish here. Of course, I'm using her St. Tropez visit a couple of weeks ago as a yard stick so, basically I mean she's standing erect and not looking like Beer Bloat Barbie.

She needs a couple of buckets of KFC and a six pack of Guiness Extra Stout ("A 6 pack? Of what, cases? What the hell are you talking about?" - Tara), but other that that she looks sober and happy. I kind of have a soft spot for her. Us drunk hoochies have to stick together, you know.

London might have the flaming Olympic cauldron, but right now St. Tropez has something even better: the twin flaming albino torches of ridiculousness known as Jedward. Dozens of hos in St. Tropez were temporarily blinded by flying gel crust and star dust when Jedward sashayed on by with America's reigning gutter goddess Tara Reid. If the Mad Hatter served crack cakes and meth tea to Alice and Tweedledee and Tweedledum at his party, this is what the aftermath would look like.

The broken condom babies of Christopher "Kid" Reid and Robert Pattinson became friends with Tara Reid when they all did Celebrity (????) Big Brother. Yes, they are just PLATONIC friends and you can't tell me otherwise. I refuse to believe that Jedward ran their tongues over Tara Reid's deflated whoopee cushion stomach at the same time, because if that happened the universe would've barfed on this planet and drowned us all. A Jedward/Tara Reid sandwich is what you get when you order from the 9th Circle Deli deep within the colon of HELL!

And Jedward must be dumb as dick or brave as all shit if they're hanging around Tara Reid. I mean, they're white and powdery, and you know how Tara's nostrils get when she's around something that's white and powdery. The next time we see pictures of Tara, a red sneaker will be hanging out of her nostril. Tara's gonna snort them up.

Tara Reid left a yacht party in Cannes the other night and in the old days this sentence would end with "and by 'left' I mean she jumped overboard after mistaking the ocean for a giant bowl of vodka." But it's a new day and it's a new Tara Reid! Tara Reid left the party holding on to the hand of 60-year-old Fawaz Gruosi, the founding president of a fancy jewelry company called de Grisogono. Now everyone (read: HuffPo, a few obscure European papers who still care about Tara Reid and me) is saying that Tara got herself a sugar daddy. To which I say, YAAAASSSSS!

Tara's love life has been pretty bleak as of late. Last year, Tara's 3-second-long fake marriage to some businessman ended after they found out the union was not legal, because the gin bottle that married them was not a registered officiant! Before that, Michael Assman and Tara Reid canceled their wedding plans after he found out that the bulge in her shorts was just saggy skin meat from her botched lipo job and not a fat peen. But now, Tara is finally doing shit right by looking for love in all the rich places. Tara was headed straight for a life of running out of truck stop bars to barf out bottom shelf whisky onto a cigarette can and now she's headed straight for a life of running out of 5-star restaurants to barf out Dom onto the shoes of her chauffeur.

And Fawaz has a case of the Ceiling Eyes, which means he'll probably never get a good look at her open-faced lasagna stomach. Tara did good!

Last night in Hollywood was the big premiere for Tara Reid's grand return to the silver screen and she brought her "Celebrity" Big Brother housemates and fellow messes Jedward as her escorts. Yes, Tara looks like a malnourished, self-tanner-addicted 50-something soap actress who has just come off the set after playing a ghost in a dream sequence, but she's free of barf stains, whiskey spots and a European husband who's only using her for a green card, so I'd say she looks good! Or maybe I'm only saying that because I'm temporarily blinded by the bright shiny glitter rays shooting off of those twin Edward Cullen troll doll pencil toppers. (Note: That is the only time I will ever refer to Jedward as "tops.")

Every time I see a picture of those twin spaz brooms, I want to smash Ritalin pills into my eyes, because they just can't have a seat. They're always jumping. They're always screaming. They're always freaking out like vibrators on meth. Hopefully, they calmed down after they came down with instant lead poisoning from kissing on the orange paint slathered on Tara's face.

Here's some more hos from last night's American Reunion: WE'RE ALL OLD premiere. In order: Tara with Jedward, Jason Biggs with his wife, Jason with Eddie Kaye Thomas and John Cho, Jennifer Coolidge giving us BODY, Shannon Elizabeth, Alyson Hannigan, Chris Klein (looking like a coked up insurance salesman), Natasha Lyonne, Sean William Scott, Thomas Ian Nicholas with date and Mena Suvari.

You can now put a face to your hangover thanks to that still shot of Tara Reid.

Heineken's tagline "Drink responsibly" came on my mind back in August when the blueprint for Lindsay Lohan's life, Tara Reid, married Zack Kehayov (seen below before the booze buzz of happiness wore off) just hours after they got engaged in Greece. Most of us bet all our coins on Tara's marriage lasting until the hotel staff refused to restock the mini bar, but that Land of Gorch-looking trick showed all of us. Tara's marriage didn't last a week and it didn't even last a second. It didn't last at all, because it never happened. Tara says that she and Zack never made it legal.

TMZ caught Tara at LAX last night just seconds after the airport crew cut her weave out of an aircraft propeller when it landed. I mean, either Tara spent a 6 hour flight wrapped around a moving propeller or she accidentally fell into the toilet and got stuck in the septic tank, because I need a whole of DAMNs to describe the messy state she's in. It's like her hair got caught on the hitch of a dump truck speeding out of hell. Tara needs to take a long nap in a Menudo soup bath. But back to Tara's non-existent marriage. Tara told TMZ that she never legally married Zack and she made it sound like they're not even together anymore.

Leave it to the master mess to show the amateur messes how you really scam the media for a quick check. Lindsay Lohan is out there flashing her freckled nipple knobs for money and Tara just collected a check from Life & Style for wedding pictures from a wedding that never happened. Bow down, LiLo. No, seriously, bow down and pick Tara Reid up, because she just passed out on the sidewalk.

The Hollywood Reporter put out an unconfirmed list of how much money each cast member from the American Pie Reunion movie put into the shoe boxes under their beds and this is what it looks like:

Jason Biggs - $5 million plus a small slice of first-dollar gross
Sean William Scott - $5 million plus a small slice of first-dollar gross
Alyson Hannigan - $3 million
Eugene Levy - $3 million
Chris Klein, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Natasha Lyonne, Jennifer Coolidge, Mena Suvari and Shannon Elizabeth -$500,000 to $750,000 plus the possibility of bonusing

And last....and least....

Tara Reid - $250,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Severe fucking atrocities have been committed when a treasured drunk dandelion who can entertain a world with a flash of her pulled pork stomach makes only a tiny piece of what Jason Biggs makes. "He's still alive?" is the question most hos spit out when Jason Biggs' name comes up and he makes more than Tara Reid?! Yes, that same question also comes up when you bring up Tara's name, but that's not the point!

I don't care if Jason is the star of that mess of a shit show and Tara only worked one day before getting replaced with a janitor's old mop. This is a direct threat to the alcohol industry.

But you know, Tara doesn't need that shit anyway. I'm sure she'll make zillions doing The Big Lebowski sequel.

And Tara came out the real winner here, because thanks to her ingenious idea of stealing all the sugar packets and dinner rolls from the craft service table, she was able to make a week supply of Moonshine! Take that, Jason Biggs.

UPDATE: Tara Reid is still married. But the man whose lips she drunk barfed on a little during the first kiss as husband and wife was not Michael Lilleund as everyone reported. We all figured that she married Michael Lilleund in Greece since it might be hard for Tara to find yet another dude who is okay with the scent of burnt bacon and deep fried pork buns hitting his nostrils when he titty fucks her. But Tara did it! Tara Tweeted that she married a dude named Zack Kehayov. Tara then Tweeted a picture of her wedding ring which was obviously created just for her by the jeweler to the stars Claire's.

Michael Lilleund told the Dutch press that he's way too busy scraping gristle bits and whiskey-marinated skin cheese out of his mouth from licking on Tara's coochie rinds for months, and he hasn't seen her since February.

Not much is known about this Zack Kehayov dude. Shit. We don't even know if his name is really Zack Kehayov. I doubt Tara even knows herself. Even bitch's ear drums are drunk, so his name could be Jack Carwash Mehoff for all she fucking knows. What we do know about the new Mr. Tara Reid is that he obviously jizzes in his chonies when he chews on bacon fat. Either that or he's completely blind. For real this time!

via People

As the chapel's window fogged up with a greasy cloud of whiskey burps, coke sweat and future regrets, the original Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, broke her streak as an always fiancee by becoming a bride in Greece today. I would write "hopa" in all Kanyes, but if I type it that loud I may wake Tara up from her drunk marital coma and she'll once again crash the nearest bar to give another wedding night beej to a full Ouzo bottle. Nobody wants that.

Tara's rep (yeah, don't you call your dealer your "rep" too) confirms to People that she married her boyfriend of about five seconds, Danish businessman Michael Lilleund, in Greece today. Michael Lilleund is not to be confused with Tara's last fiance and my personal favorite, Michael Axtmann (that's Michael Assman if your anus lips whistle at man bulge).

Michael Lilleund and Tara were only engaged for a quick second. In the span of just a few hours, Tara Twatted that she was engaged and then she announced that she was Michael's wife. This is your engagement on speed. Here's what Tara slur Tweeted yesterday:

I just got engaged!
13 Aug

Greece married!
13 Aug

Thank you for all of your support! I love you guys
13 Aug

Love in Greece...I am now a wife:)
13 Aug

Just got married in greece I love being a wife!
21 hours ago

I swear, the coke in Greece is no joke. What happens in Greece, gets quickie divorced in the Dominican Republic!

Seriously, I haven't checked Tara's Twatter in the past hour, but I'm pretty sure it reads: "I'm divorced! I love being an ex-wife!" HOPA! Oh, shit. I didn't mean to scream type that. There goes Tara barreling toward the bar....