Tara Reid

You can now put a face to your hangover thanks to that still shot of Tara Reid.

Heineken's tagline "Drink responsibly" came on my mind back in August when the blueprint for Lindsay Lohan's life, Tara Reid, married Zack Kehayov (seen below before the booze buzz of happiness wore off) just hours after they got engaged in Greece. Most of us bet all our coins on Tara's marriage lasting until the hotel staff refused to restock the mini bar, but that Land of Gorch-looking trick showed all of us. Tara's marriage didn't last a week and it didn't even last a second. It didn't last at all, because it never happened. Tara says that she and Zack never made it legal.

TMZ caught Tara at LAX last night just seconds after the airport crew cut her weave out of an aircraft propeller when it landed. I mean, either Tara spent a 6 hour flight wrapped around a moving propeller or she accidentally fell into the toilet and got stuck in the septic tank, because I need a whole of DAMNs to describe the messy state she's in. It's like her hair got caught on the hitch of a dump truck speeding out of hell. Tara needs to take a long nap in a Menudo soup bath. But back to Tara's non-existent marriage. Tara told TMZ that she never legally married Zack and she made it sound like they're not even together anymore.

Leave it to the master mess to show the amateur messes how you really scam the media for a quick check. Lindsay Lohan is out there flashing her freckled nipple knobs for money and Tara just collected a check from Life & Style for wedding pictures from a wedding that never happened. Bow down, LiLo. No, seriously, bow down and pick Tara Reid up, because she just passed out on the sidewalk.

The Hollywood Reporter put out an unconfirmed list of how much money each cast member from the American Pie Reunion movie put into the shoe boxes under their beds and this is what it looks like:

Jason Biggs - $5 million plus a small slice of first-dollar gross
Sean William Scott - $5 million plus a small slice of first-dollar gross
Alyson Hannigan - $3 million
Eugene Levy - $3 million
Chris Klein, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Natasha Lyonne, Jennifer Coolidge, Mena Suvari and Shannon Elizabeth -$500,000 to $750,000 plus the possibility of bonusing

And last....and least....

Tara Reid - $250,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Severe fucking atrocities have been committed when a treasured drunk dandelion who can entertain a world with a flash of her pulled pork stomach makes only a tiny piece of what Jason Biggs makes. "He's still alive?" is the question most hos spit out when Jason Biggs' name comes up and he makes more than Tara Reid?! Yes, that same question also comes up when you bring up Tara's name, but that's not the point!

I don't care if Jason is the star of that mess of a shit show and Tara only worked one day before getting replaced with a janitor's old mop. This is a direct threat to the alcohol industry.

But you know, Tara doesn't need that shit anyway. I'm sure she'll make zillions doing The Big Lebowski sequel.

And Tara came out the real winner here, because thanks to her ingenious idea of stealing all the sugar packets and dinner rolls from the craft service table, she was able to make a week supply of Moonshine! Take that, Jason Biggs.

UPDATE: Tara Reid is still married. But the man whose lips she drunk barfed on a little during the first kiss as husband and wife was not Michael Lilleund as everyone reported. We all figured that she married Michael Lilleund in Greece since it might be hard for Tara to find yet another dude who is okay with the scent of burnt bacon and deep fried pork buns hitting his nostrils when he titty fucks her. But Tara did it! Tara Tweeted that she married a dude named Zack Kehayov. Tara then Tweeted a picture of her wedding ring which was obviously created just for her by the jeweler to the stars Claire's.

Michael Lilleund told the Dutch press that he's way too busy scraping gristle bits and whiskey-marinated skin cheese out of his mouth from licking on Tara's coochie rinds for months, and he hasn't seen her since February.

Not much is known about this Zack Kehayov dude. Shit. We don't even know if his name is really Zack Kehayov. I doubt Tara even knows herself. Even bitch's ear drums are drunk, so his name could be Jack Carwash Mehoff for all she fucking knows. What we do know about the new Mr. Tara Reid is that he obviously jizzes in his chonies when he chews on bacon fat. Either that or he's completely blind. For real this time!

via People

As the chapel's window fogged up with a greasy cloud of whiskey burps, coke sweat and future regrets, the original Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, broke her streak as an always fiancee by becoming a bride in Greece today. I would write "hopa" in all Kanyes, but if I type it that loud I may wake Tara up from her drunk marital coma and she'll once again crash the nearest bar to give another wedding night beej to a full Ouzo bottle. Nobody wants that.

Tara's rep (yeah, don't you call your dealer your "rep" too) confirms to People that she married her boyfriend of about five seconds, Danish businessman Michael Lilleund, in Greece today. Michael Lilleund is not to be confused with Tara's last fiance and my personal favorite, Michael Axtmann (that's Michael Assman if your anus lips whistle at man bulge).

Michael Lilleund and Tara were only engaged for a quick second. In the span of just a few hours, Tara Twatted that she was engaged and then she announced that she was Michael's wife. This is your engagement on speed. Here's what Tara slur Tweeted yesterday:

I just got engaged!
13 Aug

Greece married!
13 Aug

Thank you for all of your support! I love you guys
13 Aug

Love in Greece...I am now a wife:)
13 Aug

Just got married in greece I love being a wife!
21 hours ago

I swear, the coke in Greece is no joke. What happens in Greece, gets quickie divorced in the Dominican Republic!

Seriously, I haven't checked Tara's Twatter in the past hour, but I'm pretty sure it reads: "I'm divorced! I love being an ex-wife!" HOPA! Oh, shit. I didn't mean to scream type that. There goes Tara barreling toward the bar....

It's that time of year again when celebwhores from every list gather in the desert of California and hipster-ize themselves by rolling around in a bin at the Salvation Army and filling their pores with Patchouli! It's Coachella! It felt only fitting to let Tara Reid, who puts the hell in Coachella, lead the way of hos who look like they just fell out of the ass of an Urban Outfitters.

Only Tara the Terrible would wear Lucifer's footwear of choice in 1 million degree weather. You just know the inside of her UGGs are coated with a thick, gooey toe-smegma that is made of whiskey that secretes out of her foot pores and coke dust from an 8-ball she stashed in there years ago. At the end of the night when all the food trucks are closed, Tara can smear that UGGs butter on a piece of cardboard and get drunk high all over again! Actually, Tara might be a genius for that. This is the only time in history I approve of UGGs.

Anyway, here's who joined Tara in sweating their pits off while sucking the nuts of a coco. In order: Penn Badgley with the gay son from Desperate Housewives, RDJ!!!!, Vanessa Hudgens (who needs to know that we already have one Lisa Bonet), Tara, Jack Osbourne, Alessandra Ambrosio with her dude, Nick Simmons, Dita Von Teese, Usher, Danny DeVito, Ashley Greene with that dude from Kings of Leon, The Hoff with his latest leased piece, Kellan Lutz, Paul McCartney, ASkars with Kate Bosworth, Tony Hawk and Bud Bundy.

I don't only love Tara Reid because she can charm a beer hose at a bar into slithering towards her mouth, but I also love her because she completely just pulls shit right out of her ass. Tara was interviewed at a charity event for child trafficking (video above) and she started to yap about all the projects she's working on including a sequel for The Big Lebowski. Tara must've been snorting balls of the bad shit the size of her earrings or eating weed smoke for dinner again, because there's no such thing as The Big Lebowski 2. Austin 360 asked Joel and Ethan Coen about Tara announcing the return of Bunny Lebwoski and their response was absolutely perfect:

“I’m glad she’s working on it. Well, we don’t (have a sequel in the works) but we’ll watch it when it comes out." Joel added, "Especially if Tara’s in it.”

Tara's rep explained that she heard Jeff Bridges say in an interview that he wanted to reunite with the original cast and do a sequel. Tara sort of took that as something that is happening in real life. Oh, Tara Red, you drunk bag of silicone bones, never stop being Tara Reid! But you know, there's an extremely good chance Tara is speaking the truth! Tara signed on for a sequel of The Big Lebowski. Only it's a sequel to The Big Lebowski porn parody.

Sadly, it looks like Tara Reid just couldn't make love work with Michael Assman, the Internet millionaire who made prostates percolate and gaydars crash, reboot and crash again. But fear not, Tara has found a new love to hold her hand so she doesn't drunkenly stumble into the gutter and to wipe the vom from the corner of her mouth after she neatly barfs into her purse in the middle of a crowded bar (a ladylike talent I've seen for myself LIVE and in person). Tara posed outside of a restaurant in Copenhagen last night with her new boyfriend Michael Lillelund, a Dutch businessman-type who is most likely now fluent in the language of drunkensluranese.

You know, I have a feeling that this one is going to work. And even if it doesn't, at least Tara will be one step closer to completing her life goal of getting blackout wasted in every country. Guinness World Records better save a spot!

These pictures of Tara Reid were taken at her birthday party at the VIP Room in St. Tropez last night, but you'd probably believe me if I told you they were from 2004. They meet the criteria for declaring something Classic Tara Reid.

Tattered weave that only gets moisture when Tara uses it to wipe the drunk barfs from her mouth? Check! Nipple that cannot and will not be contained? Check! Skin the shade of a 2-week-old roasted yam? Check! Simulating oral with anything that is tube-shaped? Check! Facial expressions that run from "Mah face is melting" to "Good. Night."? Check! See. Classic Tara! Alert the historical society!

Nevermind that Tara Reid's face looks like a Detective La Toya mask printed on onionskin paper, I'm more concerned that she's so covered up on Whore-o-peen, the one time of the year (besides New Year's, your cousin's wedding, casual Friday, Saturday night, Sunday morning mass, certain week nights, Tiger Woods' birthday, etc...etc...) where you get a standing ovation for putting your inner easy access skank on display.

I mean, even though she's wearing Kim Zolciak's sleeping wig and a dress right out of Noah Cyrus' closet, this is still straight-up puritan shit for Tara Reid. I mean, her nipple plates are fully covered up and I'm not even bracing myself for a possible peek-a-poon situation. Hmm. Maybe Halloween is amateur hour for Tara, so she's letting the wannabes have their little fun.

Here's more of the Big Lots Barbie with friends at Cipriani's Halloween party last night in NYC.

Since Lindsay Lohan is unable to fully represent us drunk slutty wrecks out there, Tara Reid has come out of retirement in a big way to take her place. And to show us all that when LiLo was making movies with talking cars and shit, she was the one who was flashing her drunk chocha to the paps and passing out in bushes like it's an Olympic sport.

Here's Tara partying on a yacht in St. Tropez with Dennis Rodman and her on-and-off-again piece Michael Assman. It's like you're looking into a crystal ball and seeing your weekend. But except for sitting on the lap of a glittermeister on a yacht in France, you'll be sipping Boones Farms from a paper bag while sitting on a parking block in front of an IHOP somewhere. It's practically the same thing.

And you know Tara is all sorts of tanked if Michael Assman is actually grabbing onto her titty to keep her from eating floor. Michael must be used to it. He just pretends like he's holding onto ASKars' ass cheek instead. You can see it in his eyes.