Jennifer Lopez

JLo was on "Good Morning America" yesterday to talk about how she's training for the 22nd Annual Malibu Triathlon. Some nosy bitch on the set of the morning show told MSNBC's The Scoop that JLo just doesn't understand why everyone is talking about "that swimmer" and not about her!

The nosy bitch went on to say, “She couldn’t come up with (eight-time gold-medal winner Michael) Phelps’ name, and then she yammered on about how she was the one training for a triathlon just six months after giving birth, and how that was the big story right now, not ‘the swimmer.’ ”

JLo is fucking right! Michael Phelps is known for being a superhuman who pretty much conquered the impossible, and JLo is known for being a former Fly Girl with a fat ass. Our priorities are all fucked up! JLo should be the one getting all the attention. Shame on us! And shame on NBC for devoting hours and hours to Phelps instead of JLo. Shit, Debbie Phelps shouldn't be in Beijing! She should be in Malibu, preparing to cheer on JLo! We all should.

There's just one little problem though. I don't think any of us really give a fuck about JLo!

Thanks Jill

Some brain dead fools in Hollywood cast JLo in another feature film. JLo will star in some piece of crap called "The Governess."

Coming Soon has a synopsis for this stupid shit: "The movie is about a professional thief who, in order to pull off a major bank heist, poses as a nanny to the three unruly children of a wealthy widower. When she starts to fall for the kids and their father, she must decide if she can give up her past for a chance to start over." It's funny that this movie is about a professional thief, because anybody who pays to see it is getting robbed.

How the hell is this bitch still getting lead roles in movies that aren't going straight to DVD? I mean, when was her last hit? Let's go over JLo's illustrious film career, shall we?

El Cantante - El CanTRASHTE!
An Unfinished Life - An Unfinished Piece of TRASH!
Monster-In-Law - Jane Fonda was in this, so I can't make fun...NEXT!
Gigli -No Comment Necessary

There's a reason why JLo hasn't had a good movie since "Out of Sight." It's called "acting skills" - JLo has none. She was fine in "Out of Sight" because of George Clooney. Although, I'll admit that "The Cell" was kind of hot. But it's only hot if you're stoned out of your mind.

JLo and Skeletor's Dragon Tales Twins, Max and Emme, came out to play in Italy on Saturday. They certainly look like their daddy. They also look like they've been hitting the bad stuff. You can't blame them either. You also know JLo called up Brit Brit for her world famous Purple DRANK recipe. She makes the staff give it to her twins to keep them quiet while she gets her hourly massage.

This is totally like the third time the DT twinsies have seen their mommy! They are like, "Who's this bitch?"

JLo and Skeletor were in Milan today accepting some sort of award from the Milan City Council. While these two mutt-faced hos pose for pictures and talk to the media about gross shit, who is taking care of the Dragon Tales twins? Seriously, JLo has said a million times that she doesn't have help! I'm starting to worry about them. She probably put one of her bear coats in charge. Actually, she probably popped them out, posed for her multi-million dollar pictures and then handed them over to a pack of wolves.

Here's more pictures of these two greasy neck bones in Italy. Just because his name is Skeletor doesn't mean we want to see his skeleton. Bitch needs to button up and cover up! And JLo needs to get one of her slaves to dye her girdles to match her fugly ass dresses!

File this under: I needed pictures of this shit STAT! MSNBC's The Scoop claims The Dragon Tales twins' mommy wants people to think that she's too good for even the first-class lounge at airports.

A witness said, “Not even the first-class lounge was good enough for her. She kept slipping into a door inside the lounge, so people thought it was like a special VIP area. Turns out, it was just a storage closet. Give her credit for wanting to be left alone, but hiding in a storage closet? That's a little extreme.”

The image of JLo in her rabbit fur coat, diamonds and mink eyelashes, sitting on a cardboard box while Skeletor sniffs the cleaning products has made my weekend.

JLo has been sued! A flight attendant on a private jet claims one of JLo's guard dogs bit her on the leg during a flight two years ago reports The NYDN. Lisa Wilson, 40, wants $5 million, because she claims her ass can't work anymore. Lisa stated in the lawsuit filed yesterday that the dog bite caused her ass to fall, fucking up her back.

Before the flight to Burbank, JLo told Lisa the guard was "well-behaved." A little while into the flight, the dog attacked and bit at her leg. Lisa tried to run away, but ended up twisting and falling on her back. She had surgery on it and now can no longer work.

Skeletor better get his zombie jizz ready! JLo has to make more babies for more multi-million dollar photo exclusives. They need that cash to pay Lisa's ass.

And wait.....are we sure the dog wasn't Skeletor? He was probably wearing one of JLo's dog fur coats. He was cold and grouchy that day, because he didn't get any virgin's blood the night before.

So if Skeletor is performing on stage and JLo and her Jello Jigglers are watching from the audience, who's talking care of the Dragon Tales twins? You know, because JLo and Skeletor don't have any nanny help or so they say. The DT Twins are probably back at the hotel by themselves, playing in Skeletor's coffin and crawling on JLo's gorilla fur collection.

And I must say that in this lighting, JLo actually looks....good. You can't see the 30 tons of bronzer that is usually sitting on top of her face. And the chichis......well.....they look pretty good. The back matches the front, for now.

Here's JLo and Skeletor at his show in Spain last night.

JLo's new show for TLC isn't being called a reality show. Shit, it shouldn't even be called a show. JLo's manager told People that the show will not feature Skeletor or the Dragon Tales twins. The show will only be about JLo's new crappy ass perfume.

Her manager said, “The recent show Jennifer Lopez plans to produce for TLC is not a reality show. It’s a show that will track the creation, production and eventual launch of a new fragrance. Jennifer will appear in a creative, entrepreneurial capacity and will absolutely not feature her children and family life.”

Wow. How fucking riveting. I'd rather spend the evening scrubbing bathroom grout than watching this borefest. Seriously, scrubbing grout is very therapeutic. You should try it sometime.

Anyway, it sounds like her show is going to stink as bad as her new perfume. It's smart not to call it a reality show since there's nothing real about this fake bitch.

I can deal with JLo putting dangerous chandeliers in her nursery, covering her twins in mink, washing them in diamond dust and even naming them after characters in Dragon Tales. The ho is insane crazy, but I didn't know she was alien crazy. According to Showbiz Spy, JLo is putting her Dragon Tales twins sanity in danger by asking Tom Cruise to be their godfather.

A source said, “Tom is delighted. Marc wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to have a Scientologist as the kids’ godfather, especially as he and Jennifer are both Catholic. But in the end Jennifer managed to convince him to agree.” By "convince him" they mean she slapped him after he talked back to her.

Tom has already bought the twins a giant fish tank for their nursery. That's not a fish tank! It's a portal to their planet.

In that picture above, Tommy even knows those twins are going to belong to him. Emme is his future alien bride. This must be stopped! Xenu please come to Earth and save the DT twins!

We all know how hard it was for JLo to have her Dragon Tales twins. I mean, she was forced to give birth in a regular hospital! I don't know how she survived. Skeletor knows this to0, so he went out and bought her $2.6 million diamond earrings as a "thank you."

He had their babies' initials engraved on each earring. One earring has the letter "M" and the other has the letter "E." That's pretty fucking funny that it spells ME! That's JLo's one and only true love. She gave him a pressie too! She gave him a coupon worth a dozen of her used tampons. Well, he needs the protein! He's been without it since she was knocked up!

In other JLo news, she's looking for a live-in nanny! I'm guessing she ran out of cousins who will accept being paid $5 a day for their services.