Jennifer Lopez

JLo shot her Kohl's commercial camouflaged as a music video on the beach in Ft. Lauderdale yesterday and every time she cooed, the crew said to themselves, "Oh, so that's what an Oompa Loompa's butt lips look like when it gets excited!"

While Casper Smart's mother babysat him and made sure that he didn't "accidentally" stumble into the men's bathroom to "accidentally" put his mouth over a glory hole, JLo did herself up like a greasy apricot Fruit Roll-Up to shoot her video. I'd rather eat cold kale mash out of a green CROC than say anything nice about JLo, but I have to say that she's never looked hotter. But I'm only saying that because she's got lips like two tangerine slices and she's showing us what it looks like when Prince Hot Ginge bends over naked. And that IS the look.

In other JLo news, Gossip Cop says that after the shoot, Entertainment Tonight talked to JLo and during the interview, three gun shots rang out near her. JLo's security immediately grabbed her, threw her in a car and drove away. JLo really isn't Jenny from the Block anymore, because Jenny from the Block would've ran out of there before the second gun shot was heard. That reminds me of this time in high school when my chola cousin and I were walking to Taco Bell with some friends. We're walking along when a car backfired across the street. My cousin thought it was gun shots and jumped in the damn bushes next to us. This bitch was hiding in the bushes. I turned around, pulled her out of the bushes and told her dumb ass that leaves can't stop a bullet. Then she said to me, "No, leaves can't stop a bullet, but your body can and you were standing in front of the bush." I see how it is...

American Idol put the Unicornie Rainbow Empress of Happy Sunshine Hello Kitties on its judges' panel this season, because they thought that she'd bring millions of eyeballs to their show and they'd be #1 again. The opposite happened. After the season premiere, the ratings started sagging lower than the extra-meaty fur dumplings on Simon Cowell's chest and it's making the producers and FOX freak out.

The Hollywood Reporter says that a few weeks ago, producers tried to shake things up by pushing Mimi out to bring JLo back. When Mimi found out about their scheme, her team of lawyers threatened to sue them and Ryan Seacrest started to cry thinking that his anal bleaching budget would be cut, so the producers backed off. They decided that once the season ends, they'll replace Mimi, Nicki Minaj and possibly Randy Jackson and Keith Urban.

The producers thought that putting Mimi and Nicki at the same table would make the show's ratings touch the rainbows, because who doesn't love watching a shade-throwing fight between two Garanimals on acid? But a source says that viewers hate Mimi and Nicki's dynamic and "the core viewer is a midwestern, Southern, older woman who is threatened by Nicki’s aggressiveness."

FOX denied all of this and Idol's producer Nigel Lythgoe told THR that he knows nothing of this.

I stopped regularly watching Idol after they dropped Paula Abdul, because it just wasn't the same without that human Vicodin pill of a mess. It's like showing up to a family gathering and finding out that your drunk auntie isn't there. You sit there, eating cold chicken and overcooked rice with soggy carrots in it, but you just can't have a good time without your drunk auntie falling into potted plants and calling you by your sister's name.

After Paula left, Idol became all about the judges. I couldn't even tell you the first names of the past 5 white dudes who won. Idol should just drop the singing part, reboot that mess and call it The Search For The Next American Idol Judge, because the behind-the-scenes crap sounds way more exciting than anything that happens on that stage.

This is why you should always keep your Chia Pet seeds out of the reach of children, because if you don't they will sprinkle some on their heads and grow a lawn of brown Chia hair like Casper Smart did. At Muhammad Ali's Celebrity Fight Night XIX' at the JW Marriott in Phoenix, AZ on Saturday night, Casper the Friendly Boy Toy showed off his freshly grown locks which go perfectly with the hair pimple below is lower lip. If Casper Smart was going for the "Monchhichi disguised as KFed circa 2007" look or the "Huey Duck in a toupee" look, then he nailed it!

I bet JLo is the one who made Casper Smart grow hair on his dome. JLo knows that it was easy for Casper Smart to take a Baby Wipe to the top of his bald head after one of his glory hole buddies busted a pearl necklace on it, and it's kind of hard to easily get rid of the evidence now that his head is covered with hair. JLo just have to ruin EVERYTHING!

Since JLo was told to not show any pastry puff labia, side tit and/or ass cleavage, she copy+pasted Angie Joli's fame whore leg move and came out to the Grammys tonight wearing a dress that was cut up all the way to the place where Casper Smart refuses to go unless she waves a $100 bill in front of it. This will show those prude bitches with tightened assholes in CBS' Standards and Practices Department. They can ban as many body parts as they want, but JLo will still find the one body part they didn't ban and whore the hell out of that body part, because she's that desperate for camera clicks.

It's a good thing that CBS didn't try to ban "fame whoring legs," because if they did JLo would've had to get attention by spreading her ass cheeks and flashing her bleached culito lips. CBS didn't say anything about bleached culito lips.

JLo and JLo's team agreed to give People an exclusive interview, because People's the only one who asked and because they thought her cover would take a little shine away from Mimi's debut on American Idol.  But Team JLo's sneaky smiles quickly turned to clenched frowns when they saw the cover. They think the picture makes JLo look like a wretched old hag with hay for hair ("In other words, dahling, her true self?" - Mimi).

JLo's team compared her to Betsey Johnson, which I guess is supposed to be a bad thing? The source tells Page Six that they all think the cover makes her look "old and haggard" and that they called up People to complain about the picture. But Benny Medina tells Page Six that Lance Armstrong must be their source, because it's all a lie. Benny said, "Look at the pictures and read the story! We worked closely with the editors of People and we are very pleased with cover photo and the results all around.”

JLo's team might think this is the worst picture of her ever taken, but I think this is the best picture of her ever taken. JLo's facial expressions usually say "SEXY! SEXY! SEXY!" or ultra bitch, so this is a softer side of her. She almost looks sweet.

She looks like a hyperactive dog who is really happy to see you. When I first saw this cover, I dropped my briefcase and patted my knees while saying, "Come here, JLo! Come here! Come give daddy a kiss! Who's the most beautiful girl in the world? You are, JLo! You are! Now come here, girl!"

I even think JLo missed the Wee-Wee Pad a little, but I don't care. How can I be mad at such an adorable girl?

When you got up this morning, wiped your own ass, scrubbed down your own pits in the shower and then put your clothes on by yourself, did you stop and think to herself, "What I just did there was so simple, so elegant, so beautiful"? Well, if you did, you're an asshole, because that's what JLo says every time she dresses herself. Jenny is still from the block, but the block she's from now is in Bel Air and her entire $500 million 400-room mansion sits on it.

JLo told Harper's Bazaar that her gold-plated life is so damn luxurious and over-the-top that she thinks it's so simple and so beautiful when she gets to dress her own self and comb her kids' hair. Bitch thinks she's Marie Antoifuckingnette.

"I like the whole idea of traveling, of looking good, and doing it well. I make it as simple and as beautiful as I can because my life is kind of big. So I pack my luggage, or dress myself, or comb my kids' hair, pick up their clothes — that makes our life beautiful, you know? There's something very elegant in that."

The hell kind of diamond dust is this bitch inhaling? She's out-GOOPING GOOP!  I get that JLo usually has stylists sewing her into $50,000 gowns and a team of vagina nurses who change her rabbit fur tampons for her, but is she that out of touch? Of course she is, I know. But she shouldn't think that dressing herself is simple. I mean, it must be pretty hard and complicated to put on pants while your head is shoved far up your own ass. So she should give herself some serious credit for that. It's JLo's greatest talent!

And JLo also talked about that infamous Gucci dress she wore to the Grammys with Diddy:

"I have that at home. The other day, my housekeeper put it on a mannequin in my spa, where I get my hair and makeup done. She sent me a picture. She was like, 'You like this dress?' Um, yeah, but I don't know if I like it out in the house!"

I'm pretty sure a part of that quote was chopped off. JLo went on to say, "...and then I fired my maid for putting her peon hands all over the dress I'll have to sell on eBay when bitches get tired of my ridiculous diva ways and stop hiring my ass."

JLo must've been desperate for photographers to catch her having a touching and completely manufactured moment with her daughter Emme Anthony, because: a) Who in the hell brings a 4-year-old to a boring ass fashion show in Paris? and; b) Who in the hell brings a 4-year-old to a boring ass fashion show where backstage in the darkness lies the Death Eaters' house mother who keeps the mop of wires on his head glistening white by regularly dying it in the pure innocence of a child? JLo is so hard up for a photo-op that she doesn't care if Kunty Karl syphons the youth and innocence out of her daughter. Oh well, I'm sure Emme wasn't too scared of Kunty Karl. I mean, you get used to staring at the malnourished face of a functioning zombie when you spend every other weekend with Skeletor.

The front row at the Chanel show in Paris this morning smelled like desperation (from JLo), boredom (from Emme), soiled chonies (from Casper Smart, he still hasn't earned his PtD, potty training degree, yet), freshly polished blue steel (from Karl's 22-year-old human Baptiste Giabiconi) and fish (from Kanye). While Emme tried to keep from completely melting down into an impeccably dressed puddle of BORING, her mom's adopted boy toy Casper Smart tried to not look at the hot piece that is Baptiste Giabiconi, because he didn't want to further embarrass his sugar mami by having a cream pie moment in his panties.

And if you're thinking that Suri Cruise and Harper Seven Beckham must be spitting jealousy over this, STOP! Harper Seven Beckham privately viewed this collection in her penthouse suite at The Ritz LAST WEEK. And Suri Cruise already gave this collection to her maid's daughter, because she owned and wore all of it weeks ago!

"I'm really going to miss.... I'm really going to miss.... all that monaaaaaaaywaaaah!" is what was going through JLo's head this morning when she called into Ryan Seacrest's radio show and faked a tearful voice to tell him that the middle chair at the American Idol judge's table no longer needs two seats to fit her football field ass. JLo is following Steven Tyler out the exit door and won't be back next season to judge tricks whose burps are more pleasant to the ear than her natural singing voice. Cut to Randy Jackson changing his cell phone number, putting his home phone off the hook and praying that he won't get fired, because the producers forgot that he still exists.

JLo told Ryan that she's just way too busy terrorizing the music industry, the movie industry, the fashion industry, the Dragon Tales twins and she just doesn't have time to terrorize TV audiences too. There's so many things that JLo wants to do and the show that successfully gave her dying career mouth-to-mouth is not one of them.

As for JLo's replacement, the producers could replace her with a single Jell-O Jiggler and it would be an upgrade, but People says that lamb herder and Hello Kitty's adoptive mother Mimi is in serious talks.

And any post that has the names "Mimi" and "JLo" in it, isn't complete without this:

If Mimi takes the job (she probably won't), she better ride in on glitter-covered unicorn and say, "I am so happy to collect millions upon millions of dollars by replacing I Don't Know Her."

Here I was thinking that Panthor already mourned the divorce of the Dark Hemisphere's first couple, but nope! Skeletor and JLo are legally still married, but he officially filed a do not resuscitate order for his dying marriage in Los Angeles Superior Court yesterday. That's your cue to hand Panthor a crying cloth, because he's going to be a mess all day.

People says that Skeletor (born name: Marco Antonio Muñiz) checked "irreconcilable differences" as the reason why his marriage died like JLo's vocal cords when she tries to hit a high note. Skeletor doesn't want to pay spousal support and is asking the court to give him joint custody of the 4-year-old Dragon Tales Twins.

This will be Skeletor's second divorce and JLo's (drum roll, fire up the glitter cannons....) THIRD!

JLo's left ring finger will turn green and fall off if she doesn't have a wedded cock ring on it all times, so I'm sure that at this very second Casper Smart is at Friar Tux's toddler department getting fitted for a tuxedo onesie and a ruffled diaper. JLo will marry that baby. This only bothers me, because that means JLo will be one failed marriage closer to taking over Elizabeth Taylor's record! Larry King can still get married, right? That means necrophilia marriage isn't completely illegal in California. Somebody please marry Elizabeth Taylor's grave, so she can hold on to the record FOREVER!

In the current issue of Vogue, JLo's manager Benny Medina basically says in so many words that she's as good at picking a man as she is at singing live without making people diarrhea from their ears. Benny says that JLo basically suffers from JenniferLoveHewitt-itis, because the bitch always needs a man and if you're desperate, needy and obsessively slobbering on her roasted pork ass cheeks, she'll put you on payroll as her full-time piece. Benny gave this sermon of truthiness to Vogue (via People) when talking about JLo's relationship :

"The thing that I always sort of wished is that she would give herself time to just naturally meet someone, instead of having obsessive guys pursue her. The ease which that obsession becomes a relationship I think sometimes works against her ability to have a real meaningful relationship."

Benny then talked about JLo's relationship with that Montessori Nursery School Dance Troupe member who looks like one of Scrooge McDuck's nephews:

"We talked about it and she was like, 'It's not even the age, Benny. It's actually that I just came out of a relationship where I felt like I was kind of not getting what I needed. And I'm open! [I'm looking for] somebody who steps in right now and is actually touching me in a [meaningful] way."

Touch her in a meaningful way? Sick. I really don't need to know that JLo is looking for a man who will make her asshole hairs stand up by stroking her overinflated ego spot while telling her that she's the most beautiful, talented and smartest woman in the world.

In the Game of Life (the board game, not the other one), I pulled the doctor card once so I know what I'm talking about. JLo is only with Casper, because she can easily control his ass and when he annoys her by drooling too much, she can tell the nanny to take him to his nursery. But that kind of relationship isn't going to fulfill JLo. What JLo loves most in this world is JLo. So that's why the perfect man for her is her male stunt double. JLo's male stunt double has the best of both worlds: he almost looks like her in the face (he's prettier) and he has a dick. JLo would get to suck her own dick! It's a match made in JLo's ego.

Here's JLo wearing a whole lot of sequined NO while leaving a restaurant in L.A. with Casper last night.