Jennifer Lopez

Last month, Casper Smart jail broke the Speak & Spell in his nursery to Tweet fight with all of his haters and he's done it again, but this time we saw a wiser, gentler and a more profound side of Casper the Friendly Boy Toy. JLo's baby is growing up.

Casper must be sick of restaurant hosts pulling up a high chair for him when he takes his abuela (the restaurant host's words, not mine) out to dinner, because he covered his Twitter page with a poem called "Love Sees No Age (Because The Blinking Dollar Signs Are In The Way)" Casper's poetweet was as meaningful as a JLo ballad and as suspenseful as watching Skeletor hold a fan's baby (Will he kiss it or will he suck all the blood out of its neck?). Casper's poem is so suspenseful that Rod Serling is going to resurrect himself from the grave to turn these Tweets into a very special Tweetlight Zone episode. Seriously, put a thimble on each of your fingers, because you will have the urge to bite down to your cuticles.

Age, status, n opinions of others are irrelevant. Our hearts are endless and our souls infinite........... To be continued

Don't you have that same feeling you felt after Lost's season 2 cliffhanger?! The anticipation is eating those thimbles off of your fingers! Breathe, because Casper didn't wait an entire season to tell you what comes next.

Our ages are mere reminders of the hours logged on this earth and the precious time remaining......... To be continued

You're right, Casper! We only have a few precious hours on earth, so please tell everyone the next part of they'll be buried with this look on their faces because they went to the grave not knowing what happens in part 3!

We should all honor our time here by indulging our passion and dreams. So, close your ears and open your hearts; Love and be happy!

Aaaand exhale. Can you believe you got through that without your heart jumping out of your mouth to hit the scroll button to find out what happens next?! That Casper is as masterful at bullshitting as he is as writing suspenseful poetry. This what happens when Pampers puts famous lines of poetry on their sticky tabs and JLo starts showing Scooby Doo episodes in Casper's playroom.

I know you probably chewed through those thimbles and pulled your nails out, so I made you an appointment for a nail transplant. Your appointment is scheduled for........... To be continued.

The sound of a high-pitched, virgin blood-curdling wailing poured out of Castle Grayskull on the day that pictures came out of JLo's hobbit whore playing with her children in Hawaii and so it's no surprise that Skeletor wants REVENGE! The easiest way to destroy JLo would be to switch the things she loves most (see: her diamonds) with cheap rhinestones since the bitch can't start her day until she sniffs the luxury fumes off of them while telling them how much they mean to her, but Skeletor thinks he has a better idea. Skeletor is going after (cue up lightning bolt sound effect) THE CHILDREN!!!!

Some source tells UsWeekly that Skeletor and JLo's child custody negotiations were going smoothly until he found out that her 24-year-old piece has been hanging around the kids. Skeletor is thinking about going against everything he promised to ruin that bitch. The source said, "He wants to make Jennifer suffer because she's having fun with someone new, and he knows this will hurt her on the deepest level."

Um. If JLo was a pool, she'd be all shallow end, so I don't know where the source is going with this "deepest level" shit. There's two levels in JLo's soul: the first is MONEY and the second is MEEEEEE! There's no basement. But Skeletor still shouldn't go through with this. If he takes the Dragon Tales Twins away, who is JLo going to whore out in a magazine spread when she needs some quick attention? Without any kids to whore out, she'll want to make some new ones with that Casper Smart troll. She'll hire a team of scientists to speed up Casper's puberty and make his balls drop so he can start churning the sperm out. Then they'll start spawning! Can you imagine what their babies would look like? I'm sure you just did and the image that terrorized your head looked a lot like Griphook with a pacifier in his mouth. So please, Skeletor, don't do this. Don't do this for humanity's sake!

For those of you who still believe that JLo hasn't hacked off her Bronx roots with a diamond-encrusted platinum machete, I hate to burst your bubble with a sharp pin dipped in obvious.

In case you haven't noticed, Fiat has paid JLo millions upon millions of dollars to represent them in a series of commercials and ads. In one of their commercials, JLo drives through the streets of her native Bronx as though she's driving straight into the beating heart of her soul. JLo's gaze hugs the neighborhood around her as she tells us how the Bronx inspires her and is her playground, and shit like that. Well, the neighborhood that is so dear to her was never graced by her presence during the filming of this fake ass commercial. Bitch filmed her part in L.A. I'm sure stage hands holding gigantic checks from Fiat stood off camera, so JLo could stare at them and the camera could capture the authentic look of true love in her eyes.

The Smoking Gun reported yesterday that JLo never stepped foot in the Bronx during the filming of the commercial. A body double drove the Fiat through the Bronx and the face shots of JLo were filmed in L.A. The commercial was edited to make you believe she's actually in the place she's going on and on about. The ad company who produced this mess calls the commercial "My World" and said in a press release that it “explores her personal take on how life in the New York City borough continues to inspire her to be tougher, to stay sharper and to think faster. We watch as she leaves Manhattan and makes her way back to the Bronx, where she grew up and continues to be inspired by.”

Fiat admitted that Jenny never drove through the Block

"Both FIAT commercials featuring Jennifer Lopez were indeed filmed in the Bronx as well as outside locations. In today's world, people are increasingly mobile and their work takes them to a variety of locations. As a result, we took the opportunity to film wherever Ms. Lopez was working at the time to accommodate her schedule."

When hos get rich, I don't think they owe anything to the place they came from. JLo doesn't have to drive into the Bronx in her Gucci Fiat and let the poors rub her ass for luck right before her asshole shoots gold coins at them. JLo doesn't owe the Bronx that. But it's ridiculous how she keeps using and using them to make us believe that she's still a neighborhood girl. Like we're really supposed to believe that this bitch would step her Louboutin-covered foot in the Bronx. JLo can't even drive through Beverly Hills adjacent without a convoy of bodyguards and a crystal bottle full of diamond dust to sniff just in case the air of the middle class blows into her window.

What I'm getting at is that the Bronx needs to sue this fraudulent ho for copyright infringement!

JLo was carried onto the stage at the Mohegan Sun's 15th anniversary celebration on Saturday night like the rhinestone-embedded martyr that she really is and she opened up her heart and poured out a river of raw emotion that was completely authentic and didn't at all leave the bitter taste of "publicity stunt" in the mouths of the audience. Because we all know JLo as a genuinely emotional performer in the vein of Janis Joplin, nobody was surprised when she broke down into tears on stage after singing about her past loves. And yes, I just made an appointment for you at the Geek Squad since your sarcasm detector probably overloaded and quit a bitch after you read those two sentences.

People says that JLo told the audience, "I'm going to sing you the last song I wrote about love," before she warbled out an acoustic version of If You Had My Love. There are so many things that are dead wrong about that last sentence that I ran out of red ink while making all the corrections in that shit. I mean, JLo claiming that she wrote a song and then singing an ACOUSTIC version of the heartbreaking and haunting lullaby we all know as If You Had My Love? Yes, that really happened and surprisingly the smoke of delusion that covered the stage didn't swallow the Mohegan Sun whole.

Then right after this, fuckery covered the stage when dancers dressed up like all of her exes came out with dancers dressed up like JLo. That tacky mess sounds like the highlight of the night, because seeing a twerking science class skeleton (Marc Anthony), a dancing pair of wolf pussy brows (Ojani Noa), a popping question mark (Cris Judd), a swaying Diddy and a kick stepping man wig in a Red Sox jersey (Ben Affleck) on the same stage together is a SHOW!

At the very end of the show, JLo said "I took a trip down memory lane" before a choreographed tear slid down her cheek and she started to cry like her $800,000 custom-made limousine was just born in a Maybach factory and would soon be delivered to her. The audience also cried, because seeing JLo looking like a bedazzled sausage at Liberace's barbecue is the stuffed stuff of nightmares.

About this time last month, the BlackBerries of two publicists air kissed at each other and created a beautiful union between JLo and Bradley Cooper. Just as you started picturing Bradley Cooper wearing JLo's cherpumple ass as a beard, their publicists said that their dinner date in NYC was strictly professional. I took that to mean that B. Coop was not impressed with JLo's third-tier amateur beard resume and burned it on the flame of the dinner candle as he winked at the hot waiter to put another dollop of whipped cream on his chocolate tart. That was the end of the Coo-Lo. BUT WAIT! Just like menstrual cramps and your stomach, JLo and B. Coop are back together a month later. That sound you hear that sounds just like an opera-singing harlequin clown bawling into the night wind is Victor Garber screaming out a low-octave: NOOOOOOO!

People has a picture of B. Coop and JLo driving in a car together yesterday afternoon in L.A. and she's covering her face with her hands as if she's screaming, "OHMAHGAH I CAN'T BELIEVE THE PAPARAZZO THAT I TIPPED OFF IS ACTUALLY TAKING PICTURES OF ME OHMAHGAH WHERE'S MY PRIVACY DID MY ASS EAT IT AGAIN OHMAHGAH!" A source tells TMZ that B. Coop and JLo are just casually dating for right now and they're not even close to being serious. Translation: they're just in beard training mode.

Who keeps trying to make B. Coop and JLo happen? Who keeps trying to shove Coo-Lo down our throats as a for real couple? Yes, Coo-Lo is the greatest couple name to hit our eyes in a while, but they do not make sense at all. You know what does make sense? A pee hole in the middle of the mattress so I don't have to roll my lazy bones out of bed in the middle of the night to walk all the way to the bathroom. Why hasn't anybody invented this?!

At a restaurant called Per Se (ugh) in NYC on Saturday night, the romantic scent of free publicity and freshly grown Puerto Rican beard hairs was in the air when JLo and Bradley Cooper sat down together for a date. TMZ says that the dinner was of the romantic kind and they were the only two at the table. Well, that's if you don't count the team of publicists who were hiding under the table and tricking B.Coop into gazing toward JLo's way by dangling Victor Garber's head shot over her head. But yeah, other than that, it was totally intimate and romantic!

Someone who works at Per Se told UsWeekly that they were there for a while, but didn't say if JLo decided to move fast by skipping to step 9 in Renee Zellweger's Ancient Art of Bearding manual by hand canoodling with B.Coop across the table as he refreshed his location on Grindr with his other paw. BUT WAIT! A different source tells People that JLo and B.Coop's Saturday night dinner date was strictly business and they only met to talk about doing a project together.

It would make sense that JLo would move fast to quickly get the taste of Skeletor's crypt dust dick and grave dirt cum balls out of her mouth, but I believe People's source. This is strictly business! If you don't believe me, do the Renee by squinting at the fine print on JLo and B.Coop's preliminary relationship contract that reads: THIS IS STRICTLY BUSINESS! GOING OFF THE SCRIPT BY PUTTING YOUR LIPS ON MY PERSON WHEN A CAMERA IS NOT AROUND IS NOT ONLY A BREACH OF CONTRACT BUT IT'S ALSO JUST GROSS. EWW!

Because the real A-listers and superstars were at the other royal event of the night (The Empress of Lucite's Tupperware and dildo party), Prince William and Duchess Kate had to hang out with the likes of JLo and her mother Guadalupe at last night's BAFTA Brits To Watch event in L.A. JLo was kind enough to pay tribute to Prince William by wearing a bald spot gown that showed off Skeletor's favorite part of her body to do lines of dried virgin blood off of.

Even though Lupe Lopez slipped on the lard of elegance that dripped off of JLo, not everyone was hypnotized by her beauty. That gold BAFTA mask is definitely frowning with his eyes, because he's about 2 inches away from losing his nose to JLo's hongray hongray culo.

And hopefully, JLo's taste for exquisite cut-outs inspired Kate Middleton to bring The Slut Dress out of retirement and onto the royal stage.

JLo has spent the last two years trying to sit her 12-layer ass on a private tape she made with her first husband Ojani Noa during their honeymoon and a judge ruled last week that she has no case. This ruling opened the door to the ho stroll and now Ojani Noa can peddle that shit on the auction block. Ojani originally spouted some complete crap about how he wanted to use the footage in a mockumentary on his life, but now he's wiped the bullshit from the inside of his mouth and making it clear that he's selling the tape for a quick check. Ojani's financial situation is about as thirstay as Skeletor's bones, so what's a shameless douche bubble who doesn't want to get a job to do?!

NowPublic says that several porn websites have held up their paddle in a bid to win the tape and the bidding war is currently at $40,000. The reason why there aren't more zeroes in that number is because this tape stars JLo and the year is 2011, not 2001. The tape also doesn't have any traces of sex shit and she barely flashes her nalgas. If you shoved your face in a platter full of Hawaiian bread, you'd probably get a stronger tingle than you would from watching JLo's non-sex tape. Hell, just thinking about shoving my face in a platter full of Hawaiian bread is making my wet parts coo. And just thinking about JLo's non sex-tape is making my wet parts want to do something that rhymes with coo.

My question is, why doesn't JLo just pay Ojani off? The jar of whipped dolphin ovaries she smears on her body every day costs more than $40,000, so it's not like she doesn't have the money. Maybe she has and Ojani turned her down, because he's hoping that a big Hollywood movie director will see the tape and cast him as a grown Chaka in the next Land of the Lost movie. I don't know. But I do know that 1997 was a wonderful year for lard-based hair gel, but an awful year for eyebrows.

Being knocked up is really taking Posh Beckham on an emotional ride to foreign places she hardly visits, like external happiness. Posh served her signature plate of bitchface with a side of half-smile at the Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony for Simon Fuller, the creator of American Idol and the manager of the Spice Girls, in L.A. today. Posh has a reputation as a stone cold disciple of aloofness to uphold, so I'm just going to assume her baby's fart bubbles floated up to her mouth muscles and pushed them up a bit. It wasn't intentional!

Or maybe she slightly broke character when she got her daily dose of protein by nibbling on the photographer's soul through his lens. It's so much better to nibble on souls than to nibble on food with your mouth. Mouths are for letting out a sigh when your stupid ass assistant brings you the wrong pair of beige 10" platform stilts! They aren't for eating!

Here's more of the Dark Crystal refugee with her son Brooklyn, Simon Fuller, Randy Jackson, JLo and Skeletor at that shit today.

In front of an ocean of plucked brows, yearbook photo expressions and an albino Chris Brown, JLo brought her Cherpumple ass to BET's 106 & Park and showed off her goods in a peek-a-poo dress that tells everyone she's Spanx-free and is most likely wearing a thong that's skinnier than the needle Skeletor uses to inject pure Puerto Rican virgin blood into his anus veins. JLo was not on there to promote the skin on her hips, but she's also got a new album out called "LOVE?".

I was reading the comments about this look at my Internet bible, the Daily Mail (I know, I know), and the majority seem to think that JLo is a 41-year-old abuelita who needs to cover up that side thigh window with curtains or some shit. But I'll have them know that my own abuelita had a dress just like this, except she wore the cut-out in the front over her Virgin Mary panties so it looked like the mother of Jesus was peeking through a window.

I mean, are we really living in a world where prude bitches think it's not okay for a grown woman to wear Noah Cyrus' future job interviewing dress on national television?! Don't get me wrong, JLo is as irritating as a chipotle pepper enema, but I must defend her right to bare thigh skin. Besides, that shit sort of looks like lattice pie dough. And who doesn't love pollo pie?!