Jennifer Lopez
Wednesday, January 9th 2008
JLo Talks Retirement.....The World Prepares To Cheer
Since Xtina is about to pop soon, somebody has to take over the title of "Knocked Up Kumquat" and that someone is JLo. She's looking a perfect shade of tangerine on the cover of Harper's Bazaar. She told the magazine that she doesn't know if she'll be a working mother.
She said, “I don’t know — and I like that, because my life has been so planned for so many years. Once I did the tour, I really just wanted to shut it down.” I think retirement is the best option for JLo. She shouldn't humiliate herself even more. Her album flopped and her movies suck. She should continue with her nasty ass fragrances and designing whatever she designs and stay in the back! Let Skeletor bring home the bacon. Speaking of....here's what she said about her husband, “He made me realize you can be an artist, and have credibility and success, without your life being on public display. This is my experience and my husband’s experience, and we get to hold that for a little while.”
Credibility....success....being knocked up is making her delusional. The only reason she's famous is because her public life was on display. Wait...did somebody say bacon?
Source: UsWeekly
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Monday, January 7th 2008
A Duet With A Pig Would Be Fitting
Mariah Carey was asked if she'd ever duet with JLo and here's what she reportedly said:
"I'd rather be on stage with a pig — a duet with Jennifer Lopez and me just ain't going to happen."
I'd rather you be on stage with a pig too. I love family reunions! I mean Mimi sort of looks like a pig in a wig and when she screeches it sounds like a pig whining for his next meal. It would make more sense. Oh and a pig screeching still sounds better than JLo singing live. I agree with you Mimi!
Source: NewWeekly
Monday, December 3rd 2007
Keep Him Away From The Fetus!
Skeletor is out for virgin blood! Hide the baby, JLo!
A knocked up JLo came out for the "Movies Rock" show last night in Los Angeles. That's kind of ironic since JLo hasn't made a movie that "rocked" since...well...since...um....since...1998?
She better pray that baby comes out looking just like her and doesn't pick up even one Skeletor gene. Well, maybe the "talent" gene, because the baby's not gonna get that from her.
Wednesday, October 31st 2007
Straight To Video
Sorry JLo! You're not getting an Oscar for "Bordertown." Page Six reports that JLo's latest flop will not hit movie theaters and will go straight to video in January. In "Bordertown" JLo plays a journalist who investigates murders near the Mexican border. It also stars Martin Sheen and Antonio Banderas.
Bitch can't catch a break! Her album is bombing, "El Cantante" bombed and now this? At least she has her babies to console her.
Roberto Cavalli is the latest person to confirm JLo's knocked up. He told People Magazine , "Well Jennifer Lopez, at this moment, she requests something very special because she is waiting for the baby. It is so complicated because every week she is getting bigger."
Homegirl needs those babies, because that may be her only successful release all year.
Career. OVER. There's always The Surreal Life!
Wednesday, October 10th 2007
She's Pregnant! She's Pregnant! She's Pregnant!
Who fucking cares at this point?! Everyone has "confirmed" that JLo is knocked up, but it has yet to come from the HoneyBaked ham's mouth! UsWeekly just confirmed this morning through various sources close to JLo that she's expecting.
She was on Letterman last night and of course wouldn't say. Attention whore. Ugh, I'm over it already. Unless she's carrying Phoebe Price's twin I don't give a fuck! Actually....I take that back. If she is carrying PP's twin you guys are going to help me switch the babies. We can switch it with a Count Von Count plushie. She won't know the difference.
Here's JLo at and about around NYC yesterday. Once again her face is as clean as a spring morning.
Thursday, October 4th 2007
Is She Still "Not Pregnant?"
Arroz Con Pollo! JLo looks knocked up to me. JLo has been denying that she's knocked up with twins despite rumors. During a performance in Uncasville, Conn. JLo revealed some major bump. She's either on the Britney diet or she's expecting a bundle of joy. I'm going to say it's the latter.
What's with this hiding shit? Just come out and say it! I'm sure Skeletor wants to shout it from the rooftops, because so many of us doubted his jizz even worked!
Like I said I can't waaaaiiiiitttt for that booty to grow! She's gonna need a couple of shelf brackets to hold that shit up!
Source: People
Thanks Shaina
Monday, October 1st 2007
The Blame Game
Ben Affleck blamed his relationship on JLo as the reason why he's been in a few shitty movies including the ones he starred with her.
Ben told Details Magazine i n their November issue, “It was probably bad for my career (dating JLo). What happens is this sort of bleed-over from the tabloids across your movie work. You go to a movie, you only go once. But the tabloids and Internet are everywhere. You can really subsume the public image of somebody. I ended up in an unfortunate crosshair position where I was in a relationship and [the media] mostly lied and inflated a bunch of salacious stuff for the sake of selling magazines. And I paid a certain price for that. Then, in concert with some movies that didn’t work…”
Ben is right. He sure did a lot of shitty movies after he broke up with JLo:
Gigli
Paycheck
Jersey Girl
Surviving Christmas
Man About Town
Turkey after turkey! JLo's booty scent probably clouded up his better judgement. Either that or Ben is just a moron that doesn't know how to pick good movies and likes to blame things on others. I'll go with the latter.
Friday, September 21st 2007
Just A Few Little Things
Jennifer Lopez is currently in London promoting her new album "Brave" and before arriving at the Dorchester Hotel she faxed over just a couple of things a girl might need while she's away from home. Here's her list:
2 Humidifiers2 FansRoom temp must always be at 80F2 Extension cords and power adaptersCandles by Jo Malone in Lime or Grapefruit3 Wardrobe racks with hangersSteamer, iron, ironing boardWhite or red rosesSoft baked chocolate chip cookiesSour cream and onion chipsRegular chipsFruit plattersVeggie plattersPlain M&MsSunflower seedsRitz crackersDentyne IceSpicy Brown MustardMayoPenta or Smart water (room temp)Caffeine Free Regular CokeDiet CokeRedbullCoors Lite (bottled only)Gatorade
There's a bunch other crap on the list from brands of ketchup to coffee brands. You know in her defense if I was rich and famous I'd probably ask for a lot more. You know like midget hookers, condoms in red only (blue clashes with my skin tone), In N' Out flown in, Persian kittens in grey ONLY, Airwick candles, Boone's farms wine in every flavor and baby wipes (you never know when T.Howard is going to make a visit).
Oh and what is JLo thinking with Coors?! That shit tastes like rat jizz.....so I've heard, shut up! I wouldn't stoop that low or would I?
Friday, September 21st 2007
JLo's Mother Hates Her!!!
InTouch Weekly asked JLo's mother if she heard anything about her daughter being knocked up. Her mother, Guadalupe responded with, "I didn't hear about it. You know more than I do. I don't talk to her very often. I don't see her often."
You don't see her very often, because she's a bitch! I'm joking. JLo has more important things to do like change Skeletor's catheter and pretend to be knocked up....oh and ruin music.
Here's JLo and her healthy husband in London last night. That thing she's wearing doesn't even belong on the cheapest of drag queens.
Images: Splash
Story: NYDN
Tuesday, September 18th 2007
It's In The Water
JLo is the latest knocked up celebrity according to InTouch Weekly. JLo has said in the past how much she wants kids and blah...blah...blah... Her wish has come true!
An insider told the weekly that JLo had ultrasound on September 12 in NYC. They said, “The test calculated that she was about 12 weeks pregnant. She’s due in the spring.”
38-year-old JLo has been trying to get knocked up for the past two years. She apparently finally tried in vitro fertilization which may have given her twins. The doctor isn't sure if she's carrying one or two babies.
The insider also said that JLo is waiting to make an official announcement, because she has miscarred in the past and knows that the first few weeks are crucial.
JLo and her husband Skeletor are due to tour together through the fall until November.
Skeletor's sperm works! What a miracle.
Her ass is going to get HUGE!!!!!!!! Goodyear blimp size! She should carry her babies in there, it's safer. JLo's ass is a safe house.
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