Olsens

Answer: Did I even need to ask?

New York's Department of Fish and Wildlife rushed to the Met last night, because they received dozens of panicked calls from people who were horrified to see a traumatized chipmunk struggling to get out of a net after getting viciously attacked by a porcupine. Oh, but it was just Miley being punk rock.

Most people probably didn't recognize Miley Cyrus at the Met Gala last night, because her ass cheeks weren't hanging out and because that electrocuted hair made everyone think she was that dude from Sum 41 (the one who was married to Avril Lavigne), so they just walked on by. Perfect disguise, Miley!

And here's even more pictures from last night. Basically, any trick in a borrowed dress could get in. My family gatherings have a stricter guest list than this shit had. In order: Messy Miley, the ghost of a homeless bridge urchin from the 1920s, Drunk Ass Sandra Lee, Katie Holmes (whose sheet dress can be used as an escape rope just in case the Scientologists come after her when she's on the second floor) Derek Hough in ballerina drag, Swifty, a Vulcan priestess (aka Coco Rocha), Linda Evangelista (who REALLY wants a role in Games of Thrones), Tiger Woods with a blonde who will hate him in a few months, Chelsea Clinton, Rooney Mara, the leader of a cult of hippie trolls, Tom Brady with Gis and Zachary Quinto (looking like Duckie from the Pretty in Pink after he got a job in Prince's band).

Last year, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's fashion line The Row put out a backpack that looked like a giant, pregnant roach and it cost $39,000. It sold out, because sometimes extremely rich bitches get bored with burning their money in copper fire pits, so they spend it on caca instead. Then this past summer, the Trollsens made an anti-PETA fur purse that sold for almost $17,000. A bargain! But now they're taking overpriced foolery all the way by selling this crocodile backpack covered in fake prescription pills. They want $55,000 for a backpack that looks like Neely O'Hara barfed all over it. If you want to spend $55,000 on Leatherhead's dead mom, then please spend an extra few dollars to fly to Los Angeles so I can slap the shit out of you. You can choose the airport I'll meet you at (Note: Please choose Burbank or Long Beach, because I don't want to deal with LAX traffic. Thank you.)

The Daily Mail says that artist Damien Hirst, the one who killed Jaws, collaborated with the Trollsens to make a bag that costs as much as a car. I like how they use the word "collaborated." Please, you know they were all sitting around a coffee table, doing lines and getting drunk when Mary-Kate dropped a bottle of Vicodin on a bag and they're all like, "FASHION! ART!"

Only twelve will be sold (because there's only twelve dumbasses in the world who will spend their money on this) and proceeds will go to UNICEF.

In all seriousness, if you really want this, let's just go to Wilson's Leather together, buy the cheapest backpack there and then Super Glue some pills on it. It'll probably look better than this shit. But why would you want pills on your backpack anyway? Do you know how many Lohans will be chasing after you, trying to nom nom nom on your bag? Do you really want to turn around and find Dina Lohan chewing on your pocketbook? That'll ruin your day.

Drop the phone, you don't have to make a three-way call to the authorities and Chris Hansen. I know this looks like a a psychopathic creepster planting a threatening kiss on the forehead of the terrified teenager he kidnapped from the mall. But this is actually a kiss of love that 42-year-old Olivier Sarkozy gave to his 26-year-old girlfriend Mary-Kate Olsen at the Mavericks vs. Knicks game in NYC. 16 years isn't that big of an age difference, but sometimes she looks like she's barely twelve and he's a rough 42. He also looks like Tom Hanks after falling face first out of a tree and then getting attacked by ten swarms of bees. His face kind of looks like an inside/out mask. But you know, the dick must be good and he obviously loves some troll poon, because they've lasted longer than I thought.

On a different note, WHERE ARE HIS EYES?! Did his eyes refuse to take part in this fuckery and quit his face?

People who live on East 10th Street in NYC's East Village will soon hear naked virgins scream out the words "A TODDLER TROLL IS TRYING TO EAT MY BLOOD! HELP HELP! I mean, FIRE FIRE!" as they run down the street, because 26-year-old Mary-Kate Olsen is moving into the neighborhood with her French dadfriend. 42-year-old Olivier Sarkozy has been nibbling on Mary-Kate's troll twat for a few months now and they will continue to gross us all out, because they're taking their love to the next level by moving in together.

Page Six says that Olivier has paid $6.25 million for a 4,200 square foot townhouse that was built in the olden times. Olivier will own the East Village's new house of horrors, but apparently Mary-Kate approves of it and likes it because it's old. (Too easy.) Curbed has pictures of the townhouse and we really should admire it before the walls are covered in the screams of the innocent, goat nutsacks and posters from past Olsen movies. That last one is the most terrifying, I know.

All shade aside, I'm happy (not really) that a 42-year-old French dude who looks like a 52-year-old French dude and a 26-year-old girl who looks like an 8-year-old dressed up as Snow White's old witch have found love in a hopeless place. And note to Ryan Murphy, you now have your plot for the third season of American Horror Story.

Last year, PETA figuratively threw a can of red paint at Mary-Kate and Ashley Trollsen after their fashion line The Row put out a $39,000 alligator backpack that looked like a giant pregnant roach. That ugly backpack made of Wally Gator's mom sold out, because sometimes rich people get bored with burning their money in front of the poors and so they spend it on overpriced, ugly crap instead. Mixing their two favorite loves, making money and sucking the souls out of animals, worked so well the first time that those two Cruella de Trolls are doing it again.

The Zoe Report says that The Row is selling a "second generation" version of their alligator backpack, but this time they've covering it with patches of real fur instead of the carcass of a gator. Before I tell you how much this traveling animal cemetery costs, let me tell you all the things you could buy instead of buying this bundle of Muppet pubes:

- A Smart Car full of BUNNIES!!!!!
- A mountain of 30,000 KFC cheese top burgers that you can dive into and then eat yourself out of.
- 100 lap dances from OctoMom and 20 handjobs from Lindsay Lohan followed by 100 therapy sessions and 10 visits to the free clinic.
- 112 Olsen Barbies that you can skin and turn into a dozen Olsen doll backpacks.
- The handle of a Birkin bag.

You can buy any one of those things or you can make the Trollsen empire even richer by spending $16,900  on one of PETA's worst nightmares. Yeah, that bag is almost $17,000. The alligator one is almost $40k, so this is A DEAL! Seriously, though, that's a lot of money for a bag that is as tortured, busted and raggedy as the bags who designed it. Well, I guess it's the perfect thing to carry out in public if your ass is out of flour and you need a bitch to throw some at you.

The CFDA Awards (which are like the Golden Globes of fashion since the Barbizon graduates fashion show is the Oscars of fashion, duh) were held in NYC last night and the modern day Grady Twins slithered onto the red carpet to almost touch nipples for the photographers while slyly smirking. I was taught in catechism class to never trust an evil Olsen's smirk, but these pictures of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen aren't making the slivers of my soul cry. For once, they don't totally look like they're chewing on the cartilage of baby squirrels while killing us softly with their eyes. They kind of look like the Marilyn and Lily Munster in all-lemur production of The Munsters. And yes, I'm typing this all with one hand while holding a crucifix dipped in holy water at my monitor. I still don't trust those bitches even if they look human now.

Since Mary-Kate Olsen is trying to become the grown up Queen of France, or some shit, she went for a more sophisticated (or as my cousin says it, "sophistimicated") look by dying her hair the color of her soul. I read a comment on another site that said by dying her hair brown, MKO is trying to look like a young Carla Bruni. Ho, please. The only way MKO could look like Carla Bruni is if she crawled into Carla's mouth and took over her body. I shouldn't give that Trollsen any ideas.

Here's a few more pictures from last night's Golden Globes of fashion. In order: The Trollsens with Lauren Hutton, Marc Jacobs with his porn piece, Karen Elson, Pharrell Williams (dressed like Little Lord WTF), John Waters with guest, Phil Collins' daughter, a stunning spider woman beauty, Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Titty, Heather Graham, Zoe Saldana, Mandy Moore, Chupa, Michelle Harper and Basement Baby.

I think I'm the only one who didn't know that Steve Madden is an actual person and not just some random name a huge corporation came up with for their shoe line. I honestly didn't know this. But this is coming from a dumb stupid bitch who up until I was 17 or so really thought that when I put my ear to a conch shell, I can hear the waves crashing onto the beach where the shell was found. I wish I was telling you a joke. I really believed that the huge shell your grandma keeps on her coffee table is like a direct telephone connection to the ocean. Like sea magic at work! Who did I think I was? The little fucking mermaid? I wish I could blame it on drugs, but I can't. It's just my natural dumbness. So when I call a dumb bitch a "dumb bitch," I'm totally projecting.

So, Steve Madden the person has worked with the double, double toil and trouble twins for five years and most recently he worked with them to bring the Italian brand Superga to the states. At the opening party for Superga's first US store in NYC, Steve Madden told Fashionista that everything they say about working with trolls is true. They cackle behind your back, nip at your ankles when you disobey them and threaten to eat the hair on your first born's head if you look at them funny.

“They’re very demanding, they’re very tough. You know, just tough, tough. They want what they want. And so we worked hard to get that done. They are difficult. They are exacting. They are a pain in the ass. But they’re very good though. No. They’re awesome. They’re very grown up, very worldly. And I’m very immature. So we meet in the middle.”

Demanding and tough? Steve Madden is just being dramatic for the sake of being dramatic. How hard could it be to work with those demon children? If they don't get what they want, they just put their heads together and force you to stare into their eyes as their irises project images of your gruesome demise if you don't do exactly what they say. That's not being tough at all!

UsWeekly says that Danny Tanner's daughter turned serious businesstroll Mary-Kate Olsen is humping on a fancy French dude who is 17 years old than her. As you're reading this right now, MKO is doing a line of crushed bones off the inner thigh of 42-year-old Olivier Sarkozy who's Nicolas Sarkozy's younger brother. A source type says that MKO and Olivier have been bumping b-holes under the pale moonlight for about a month now.

"It's true, they're dating, and she's definitely interested in him. MK is constantly complaining about boys not being mature enough for her. She got the kids out of her system. Now being a businesswoman dominates her time, and she is rarely impressed with guys. They are good for each other.

These two don't make sense at all. MKO's idea of a good time is licking tombstones in a Parisian cemetery at 3am and I doubt Olivier's idea of a good time is watching a troll lick tombstones in a Parisian cemetery at 3am. This is so random that it's probably planned. Just look at that sinister look in MKO's eyes. If you replaced that cup in her hand with a poisoned apple, that picture would make more sense. I don't trust that Olsen and I know what kind of dark-sidedness she's up to. MKO is going to go from Olivier Sarkozy to the former President of France to the current President of the France to becoming the President of France to becoming the President of Europe to becoming the President of the World! That's totally her plan. Quick, somebody tell Harry Potter to stop that bitch before it's too late.

I know. I know. It's Met Ball bukkake on Dlisted today, but this is hopefully my last post on this mess and I'm going out on a terrifying note by giving you things that do bumps in the night. While human hos at the ball sipped on calorie-free champagne, these vampires, zombies, charbroiled trolls and grandma witches sipped on calorie-free carbonated souls. If you put your ear to the screen, you can practically hear the screeches from a pristine young virgin running naked through the halls of the Met as these scary bitches chase after her. Where was Scooby-Doo and the rest of the Mystery, Inc. gang when hos needed them most?

Grab your crucifix, put your garlic bulb anal chain around your neck and get close to the Royal Court of the Death Eaters. In order: Mary-Kate Olsen (looking like the Snow White witch after the dwarves dropped that boulder on her), Anna Wintour, Ronnie Wood (with his toddler-aged girlfriend), Sarah Jessica Parker with Tan Mom's skin idol Valentino, Donatella Versace, Chupa Zoe and Lana Del Taco.

Vanessa Paradis sort of kind of denied that VaJohnny was over, but the rumor that she's staying home with the chirruns while he's out there being a drunk slut is still around. The latest rumor from InTouchWeekly (aka The Grain of Salt Times) is that Johnny spent the night in the den of a Trollsen and didn't want anybody to know about it. On February 26th, Johnny slid into Ashley Olsen's Tribeca troll chambers and tried to make a slick escape the next day by exiting out an office building connected to her apartment building. An e-mail went around to office workers telling them that Johnny was coming through because he wanted to escape from the paps. But a source says that the truth is Johnny didn't want anybody to know he was up in a Trollsen's cave.

It turns out the star, 48, was secretly leaving 23-years younger Ashley’s loft after a sneak slumber party. Arriving in the afternoon of February 26, Johnny hunkered down in Ashley’s Tribeca digs until noon the next day — nearly 24 hours later. “It was quiet in her apartment, like it was just the two of them in there,” an insider recalls, and though no one outside can know what happened, “It didn’t seem like it was just a visit between friends.”

Whatever the twosome were up to during their overnighter, it certainly left Johnny exhausted. When the star finally left the next day, “he looked like he was out of it,” an onlooker said.

This doesn't make sense for so many reasons. The main one being that if Johnny was up there having drunken, stoned greasy hobo mole rat sex with Ashley Olsen, it wouldn't be quiet in her apartment. The cloud of oily stank wafting off of them as they bumped wet parts would set off the carbon monoxide detector and the sight of those two going at it would make every rat in the building run for their lives. It would be like a scene out of the Rats of NIMH. So yeah, I don't buy it. But if it did happen, now would be a perfect time for Johnny to play that celebrity "going to rehab for exhaustion" card.

via Lainey