Olsens

Small woodland countries and birds already stay away from Mary-Kate Olsen, because she's an evil little troll who has been known to pick at them with her claws and chew on their nails. But now you can add bats to the list of creatures who aren't flying near that bitch, because she has the face of the Prince of Darkness. Seriously, MK is one chewed-off-bat-head away from becoming a tiny Ozzy Osbourne.

Here's Ozzy Olsen riding through the East Village in NYC yesterday with her boyfriend, Duckie from Pretty In Pink (aka Nate Lowman).

THAT'S SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT!!!! And yes it fucking is. This stupid ass Mary-Kate Olsen troll is trying to look as elderly as possible when she should be dressing all slutty while she can get away with it. Bitch probably smells like moth balls, cat piss and White Shoulders dusting powder. Her pockets are probably filled with caramel square wrappers. You really just want to help her memaw ass across the street. She'll thank you by giving you a nickle. She'll also call you "Daniel" even though you've told her your name is Michael. Seriously, old ass bitches are always calling me Daniel!

Here's Granny Olsen shuffling into a car in NYC earlier today. Granny forgot her cane!

Mary-Kate Olsen rolled out from under the bridge and didn't even bother combing out the squirrel's nest on her hair. She must have misplaced her comb made out of children's nails and ferret bones. But I think this evil troll does it on purpose. You see, her hair may look like the inside of a used vacuum bag to us, but to little furry creatures it looks like a comfy place to live. And that's how she gets them!

The innocent furries of the forest think they have found utopia when they lay their tired bones on her head, but what they've found is their death place! Bitch clubs them over the head and cackles with glee because she has a new mitten, coat, g-string or nipple cover. Pure evil.

Here's the troll saying "pruuuuuuune" at The Metropolitan Opera's 125th Anniversary Gala thing in NYC last night. The nest on her head is also how she trapped her date. That boy child looks like he was raised in the trees and eats mostly bird seed with that itty bitty mouth of his.

While some of you are considering sucking dick in a back alley way to pay your rent this month, Mary-Kate Olsen is skipping through department stores and having the greatest time ever!

Page Six claims the evil troll was in an elevator at Barney's and said this: "It's really sad - the recession is everywhere. But at least they are having good sales. That's where I got this! The recession!"

Not everyone is punching at their overdue bills or climbing down the fire escape to avoid the landlord!! Yes, take comfort in that fact while you're trying to make a hearty soup out of old shoes and ketchup packets.

It's kind of fucking funny in a "I'm going to cry" kind of way that the dumb troll looks hungry and homeless, yet she's one of the lucky ones who gets to take advantage of all these sales. SALES! Seriously, the sales are pretty good. Yesterday, I watched two grouchy memaws fight over some fugly ass scarf because it was like 75% off or some shit. They were screaming for the cops! It was kind of hot. Even if you can't afford to buy shit, you should still go to department stores just to watch all the dumb whores fight over the dumbest shit. It's free entertainment.

If Mary-Kate Olsen is fucking pregnant, then I better go to the vet, because I might have immaculately conceived a litter of Spaghetti Cat's kittens. If that evil troll can get knocked up, anybody can.

Some obvious jokester told the National Enquirer (via PC) that MK is carrying the little troll child of boyfriend Nate Lowman. The joke-teller said, "Mary-Kate has been looking a lot rounder recently. It is good she has put on weight, because she previously suffered from anorexia, but a lot of people think she could actually be attempting to hide her pregnancy. She is really happy with Nate and is very excited they will soon be starting their family together"

She apparently weighs 102lbs now. Yes, 102. What a fucking lard ass, right? If she weighs 102, she's obviously pregnant with 4 baby elephants. Or maybe she drank too much of her own saliva? Either or.

I mean, I don't even think she has baby making parts down there! Trolls don't fuck! They get their kicks by rubbing squirrel bones together while chewing on wet bark. I refuse to believe this shit, until I see her posing with this on the cover of People Magazine.

The Olsen trolls left their post at the bridge today to sign copies of their pretentious book at Barnes & Nobles in NYC's Union Square today. The book weighs more than the both of them combined.

The little evil trolls were greeted by the bitches from Peta who dressed up for the occasion and stood in the rain. I know what I'm going to be for Halloween now....

I bet the Olsens would take "fur tramps" as a compliment. They probably smiled at Peta hos and said, "Aww. prune. Thank you. prune. That's sweet. prune."

Here's the Olsen trolls looking kind of clean (?) while signing the book of a really hot fan today.

You learn something new every fucking day. I grew up in California and never knew that El Pollo Loco delivered their deliciousness to waiting mouths. If I only knew.

The sneaky troll known as Mary Kate Olsen was headed back to her post at the bridge when her dumb bitch friend accidentally backed into the car of a gorgeous El Pollo Loco delivery lady. If any Tacos al Carbon or Pollo Bowls were injured in the accident, the cops need to throw the evil troll and her accomplice into the slammer. Just because that sneaky troll only eats children's hair and squirrel nails, doesn't mean she has to sabotage all of us from trying to get some Mexican goodness. I know what she was trying to do.

And again, El Pollo Loco delivers?!!! Do you they deliver to NYC? If so, they need to send that glamorous delivery lady. Love her. She should have slapped that troll in the teeth for fucking with her.

Trust me. This is light for the Olsens. Although, I'm sure there's at least a few hundred animal skins in just one of those bags. Their largest coat is probably the size of one of your socks, so they can fit a lot of shit in that big bag.

The other bag contains their travel meals which include snips and snails and puppy dog tails. Yeah, I know that's what little boys are made of. That's what the Olsens trolls eat too.

Here they are pushing their own luggage carts (!!!!!) at Heathrow Airport in London today. The sort of hot dude with them has already been banished to the underworld below their tree trunk houses for not pushing their carts.

If the Olsen trolls ever need to make a quick getaway out of a city, they could both pile into just one of those suitcases and check themselves in. Nobody would notice.

The sneaky troll known as Mary-Kate Olsen isn't getting away that easy! This past August the U.S. Attorney's office closed the case regarding Heath Ledger's death which meant that the Olsen troll didn't have to testify. Well, Heath's insurance company ReliaStar now wants to speak to her. Like any typical insurance company, ReliaStar (owned by ING) is trying to find ways to get out of paying Heath's $10 million policy. The insurance whores are investigating the possiblity that Heath committed suicide which would void the policy. Heath's death was officially ruled as an accidental overdose.

A lawyer for Heath's estate is now suing the company for being cheap bitches and nosy skanks. ReliaStar responded to the lawsuit by saying they are "entitled to investigate Plaintiff's claim to determine if the 'Suicide' provision is applicable." They also claim that Heath lied on the policy application about whether he was taking prescription pills.

ReliaStar wants to talk to the troll to find out what she knows about Heath's death. If the feds can't get to her, what makes ReliaStar think they can? They can bring her a fresh plate of roasted chipmunk bones and boiled frog warts, but she's not opening her lips! The only time she opens her mouth is to say "prune."

I hope they do catch her, though. I hear her wicked snicker in the middle of the night and I know she's just laughing at all of us! Your day is coming, troll!

Source: NY Post

The sneaky troll known as Mary-Kate Olsen has the right idea. Why bother getting dressed anymore? Fuck, why bother washing your hair or scrubbing your genitals? Life would be so much easier if we all just rolled out of bed, put on some nasty chanklas, ate a bowl of liver spots and then headed out the door.

The sad part is that you now I have it all wrong. MK probably spent hours getting ready and her outfit totally costs more than everything I own. Althought, that isn't saying much because I basically own a laptop, a TV, a coffee maker and a bitchy ass dog who bark a lot of shit!

I guess looking like a homeless runaway from the 90s costs!

Here's more of that devious elf leaving a Radiohead concert at the Hollywood Bowl last night. She might be wearing some ripped up jean shorts underneath that flannel. Or it could be her pet worms coming out to play. Probably the latter.