Olsens

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen slithered out of the Death Eaters lair last night to attend Stand Up For Scleroderma at Carolines On Broadway in NYC and they ran into Bob Saget on the red carpet! They could all do lines together off of Stephanie's Mr. Bear without worrying about that tight ass prude DJ calling TPS (Troll Protective Services).

Nevermind that the Olsens look like they gnawed off a squirrel's crotch hairs and pasted that shit over their eyebrows or that kinky Bob Saget's thinking about how he wants to role play as Willow characters with them, where is Kimmy Gibbler? Even the tiniest Full House reunion is not complete without Kimmy Gibbler. Eh. Maybe watching the Olsens nibble on roach antennas and hiss at small children is much too real for Kimmy to bear. Kimmy always had a weak stomach.

This is like The Shining twins as seen through the eyes of Karl Lagerfeld. Here's the Olsen Trolls at the Broadway opening of Lend Me A Tenor dressed like two Italian grandmothers who are about to throw themselves on top of their son's casket at his funeral.

You know, I bet you the I HATE KID hates this shit!

He probably hates it when people who aren't going to a funeral dress in all black, because it makes other people feel sorry that you lost someone when you really aren't in mourning. It plays with people's emotions and forces them to waste their inner tears on you! He HATES that!

At the end of last night's Tommy Hilfiger show at New York Fashion Week, everybody in the place got off their nalgas to give him a standing ovation. Everybody except a certain troll who was dressed like a three-time widow going to her lawyer's office to write her ungrateful children out of her will.

Thankfully, Penn Badgley diffused the potentially awkward situation by promising Ashley Olsen a bag of roasted bird nails if she stood up. Since an Olsen cannot turn down a delicious bag of roasted bird nails, she got off her troll ass and stood for Tommy. The life of an Olsen is so damn hard!

At last night's Art of Elyslum's charity gala in Los Angeles, Kat Von D crawled onto the red carpet looking like a mini-mall plastic surgeon gave her the "Prostitution Whore Special" in the face. Seriously, if you put a merkin over forehead, squint eyes and then flip your table, your computer will end up on the floor. But before it does, you'll briefly see Danielle from the Real Housewives of New Jersey staring back at you instead of Kat Von D.

Kat's eyebrows look like they fell in love with her hairline at first sight and are heading north to be with it. Bitch has "I Can Haz" face.

Here's more hos who put on their artfag face last night including: MiserAlba, Rachel Bilson, Kate Bosworth, Brenda Walsh, FrankenLiza, one of those Olsen trolls, Sookeh with Beeehl, Katy Perry with Russell Brand, Dita Von Teese and Tater Head.

Small woodland countries and birds already stay away from Mary-Kate Olsen, because she's an evil little troll who has been known to pick at them with her claws and chew on their nails. But now you can add bats to the list of creatures who aren't flying near that bitch, because she has the face of the Prince of Darkness. Seriously, MK is one chewed-off-bat-head away from becoming a tiny Ozzy Osbourne.

Here's Ozzy Olsen riding through the East Village in NYC yesterday with her boyfriend, Duckie from Pretty In Pink (aka Nate Lowman).

THAT'S SOME BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT!!!! And yes it fucking is. This stupid ass Mary-Kate Olsen troll is trying to look as elderly as possible when she should be dressing all slutty while she can get away with it. Bitch probably smells like moth balls, cat piss and White Shoulders dusting powder. Her pockets are probably filled with caramel square wrappers. You really just want to help her memaw ass across the street. She'll thank you by giving you a nickle. She'll also call you "Daniel" even though you've told her your name is Michael. Seriously, old ass bitches are always calling me Daniel!

Here's Granny Olsen shuffling into a car in NYC earlier today. Granny forgot her cane!

Mary-Kate Olsen rolled out from under the bridge and didn't even bother combing out the squirrel's nest on her hair. She must have misplaced her comb made out of children's nails and ferret bones. But I think this evil troll does it on purpose. You see, her hair may look like the inside of a used vacuum bag to us, but to little furry creatures it looks like a comfy place to live. And that's how she gets them!

The innocent furries of the forest think they have found utopia when they lay their tired bones on her head, but what they've found is their death place! Bitch clubs them over the head and cackles with glee because she has a new mitten, coat, g-string or nipple cover. Pure evil.

Here's the troll saying "pruuuuuuune" at The Metropolitan Opera's 125th Anniversary Gala thing in NYC last night. The nest on her head is also how she trapped her date. That boy child looks like he was raised in the trees and eats mostly bird seed with that itty bitty mouth of his.

While some of you are considering sucking dick in a back alley way to pay your rent this month, Mary-Kate Olsen is skipping through department stores and having the greatest time ever!

Page Six claims the evil troll was in an elevator at Barney's and said this: "It's really sad - the recession is everywhere. But at least they are having good sales. That's where I got this! The recession!"

Not everyone is punching at their overdue bills or climbing down the fire escape to avoid the landlord!! Yes, take comfort in that fact while you're trying to make a hearty soup out of old shoes and ketchup packets.

It's kind of fucking funny in a "I'm going to cry" kind of way that the dumb troll looks hungry and homeless, yet she's one of the lucky ones who gets to take advantage of all these sales. SALES! Seriously, the sales are pretty good. Yesterday, I watched two grouchy memaws fight over some fugly ass scarf because it was like 75% off or some shit. They were screaming for the cops! It was kind of hot. Even if you can't afford to buy shit, you should still go to department stores just to watch all the dumb whores fight over the dumbest shit. It's free entertainment.

If Mary-Kate Olsen is fucking pregnant, then I better go to the vet, because I might have immaculately conceived a litter of Spaghetti Cat's kittens. If that evil troll can get knocked up, anybody can.

Some obvious jokester told the National Enquirer (via PC) that MK is carrying the little troll child of boyfriend Nate Lowman. The joke-teller said, "Mary-Kate has been looking a lot rounder recently. It is good she has put on weight, because she previously suffered from anorexia, but a lot of people think she could actually be attempting to hide her pregnancy. She is really happy with Nate and is very excited they will soon be starting their family together"

She apparently weighs 102lbs now. Yes, 102. What a fucking lard ass, right? If she weighs 102, she's obviously pregnant with 4 baby elephants. Or maybe she drank too much of her own saliva? Either or.

I mean, I don't even think she has baby making parts down there! Trolls don't fuck! They get their kicks by rubbing squirrel bones together while chewing on wet bark. I refuse to believe this shit, until I see her posing with this on the cover of People Magazine.

The Olsen trolls left their post at the bridge today to sign copies of their pretentious book at Barnes & Nobles in NYC's Union Square today. The book weighs more than the both of them combined.

The little evil trolls were greeted by the bitches from Peta who dressed up for the occasion and stood in the rain. I know what I'm going to be for Halloween now....

I bet the Olsens would take "fur tramps" as a compliment. They probably smiled at Peta hos and said, "Aww. prune. Thank you. prune. That's sweet. prune."

Here's the Olsen trolls looking kind of clean (?) while signing the book of a really hot fan today.