Kimbo Stewart

As Kristin Davis and the daughter she adopted a couple of weeks ago get pushed to the side, Kimbo Stewart poses with the baby girl she made with Benicio Del Toro during a drunken night of romance when they ignored what their pack leaders said and gladly partook in wolf and mare sex. One of my friends (Yes, I have one of those. And yes, she only appears to me in a cloud of bong smoke.) said that Kimbo's daughter Delilah looks like her Ukrainian grandma sans a head scarf and a lip mole that resembles a piece of ground beef. But to me, Delilah looks exactly like Benicio in the face. Delilah is even howling out yonder and eying the landscape for squirrels to catch. Just like her daddy! Kimbo told Hello! that she thinks her baby looks Benicio-ish in the face and that he's involved in his daughter's life (translation: the check clears every month):

"The whole family, including Benicio, was at the hospital and my mom and Benicio were in the delivery room with me. Benicio's very involved, he and Delilah have a very special bond. I named her after the Tom Jones song, as I'd always loved that. She definitely looks like her dad, but she has my legs and eye colour."

Saying shit like "she has my legs" is better than saying "she has my ass," which I've seen on Facebook before from a fucked up individual (I am not naming names). So either Kimbo has short, stubby roly poly legs that smell like Johnson's or Delilah has long furry legs made for stompin' snakes. I'm going to say it's the first one.

In case you flushed out the image of Benicio Del Toro's wolf sperm galloping toward one of Kimbo Stewart's equine eggs as the entire animal kingdom cheered at the making of a new hybrid, let me remind you that they made raw sex with each other and also made a baby that she birthed out over the weekend. Benicio and Kimbo still haven't officially released the name of their spawn since they're waiting for his packmaster Raoul to christen the name as he holds their baby up to the moon and howls with her. But Rod Stewart's old ass accidentally blurted it out during an interview with USA Today for his new Las Vegas show.

And "I'm a grandfather now," he chirps, singing out the name Delilah, born Sunday to daughter Kimberly, 32 (whose mother is Alana Hamilton Stewart, one of his two exes). "I've been going around blabbing that for hours now."

There's half of me that is slow clapping for the name Delilah because it makes her sound like a Biblical whore (I hate that I still watch Friends reruns).

The other part of me is throwing punches with my eyes at Benicio's "hungover Gaddafi face" for putting that stupid song about that stupid bitch moving to stupid NYC in my stupid head.

That story about Kimbo Stewart making a fetus with Benicio Del Toro was not a bizarre hallucination your imagination burped up after you were knocked out in a teabagging gone wrong incident involving Cisco Adler's "baby elephant in a long tube sock" nuts. It is a true thing. The rabies-infested wolf hobo of Puerto Rico actually rode Kimbo Stewart bareback and as he howled and she neighed, a wolf-horse hybrid was created. (This proves that not all interspecies love is made of adorable.) And now UsWeekly says that the baby who will remind us all that Kimbo and Benicio fucked once has arrived!

While her daddy Rod Stewart and her mom Alana Collins were at the hospital, Kimbo sprawled herself out on a bed of hay and pushed out a baby girl who weighed in at 8lbs and 9oz. Benicio and Kimbo are not together as a couple, so who knows if he showed up at the hospital to welcome his new daughter to his pack by licking her ear fur and sucking the mites out of her neck.

Kimbo hasn't said what she's named her daughter, but bitch has to know that there's only one right name and that's Wattafuck Del Toro-Stewart. Because that's pretty much what everyone's going to shout when Baby Wattafuck tells them that her mom is Kimbo Stewart and her dad is Benicio Del Toro.

I've had many hallucinations and have been on several bizarre mind trips brought on by legal and illegal drugs, but I've never once in my wildest acid dreams every imagined that one day Rod Stewart's daughter and Paris Hilton's former partner in fuckery would be pregnant with Benicio Del Toro's baby. I feel like I've just been slapped in the head with Cisco Adler's slinky nuts and the only thing I'm see are stars with WTF written on them in bold letters. But apparently, it's true. I'll let Life & Style blow your minds, because I just can't....

Life & Style can confirm exclusively that Kimberly Stewart, the daughter of rocker Rod Stewart, is pregnant with actor Benicio del Toro's baby, a rep for Benicio confirms.

"Kimberly is pregnant. Benicio is the father and is very supportive," Benicio's rep, Robin Baum, tells Life & Style exclusively. "Although they are not a couple, they are looking forward to the arrival of the baby."

Benicio, 44, is best known for winning an Academy Award for his role in Traffic in 2001. Kimberly was most recently linked to actors Jude Law and Rhys Ifans, and in 2005 Kimberly was engaged to then-Laguna Beach star Talan Torriero, who was seven years younger than her.

So, Rod Stewart and Benicio Del Toro are now forever bound together because of a baby that will most likely look like an extra furry anime horse. Even if I do see pictures of Kimbo Stewart looking like she just deep-throated Cisco's extra long nuts, I don't think I'll ever believe this.

The whole baby making craze of Hollywood has gone too far. It's all fun and games until Kimberly Stewart gets knocked up with Benicio Del Toro's baby.

However, if you drop a 1 from today's date it would be April 1st, so let's just hope Life & Style is really tardy to the April Fool's party.

You might be wondering why Gerard Butler has a single bloody tear stuck in his eye. That's because his tortured eyeball was forced to stare at Kimbo Stewart's constipated bird face for hours at The Groucho Club in London last night. The Daily Mail says that Gerry had Thanksgiving dinner with Kimbo and Natalie Imbruglia (aka the "Torn" chick). They all left separately, but I'm sure they met up in a back alley somewhere and bumped titties under the moonlight.

It's not Gerry's period eye that I'm concerned about, it's his other eye. The eye on his dick. Gerry needs to get that shit checked out with an optometrist, if he actually got down with Kimbo. I mean, Kimbo?!

And since we're on the subject of Kimbo and it is the day after Thanksgiving, let's stare at her ex-boyfriend's (nsfl) turkey neck nuts again!

These are the last three hos I want to see naked on a damn magazine cover. Are they trying to cause mass nausea with this shit? Most of you probably don't even know who these fuglets are. It's the daughters of Rod Stewart, Ronnie Wood and Bob Geldof on Tatler shot by Bryan Adams. Shooting this unfortunate cover is obviously to blame for the crazies coming after Bryan.

They look like three cracked out lot lizards who traded in their clothes for half a rock. Not hot.

And if one of the "great winter fashion trends" includes looking like these nasties, then I'm making like a bear and hibernating until spring.

This is going to be your drunk ass this weekend. Hopefully, me too.

Kate Moss is totally trying to keep the vom from coming up. She's closing her eyes and concentrating, but something tells me Allegra Versace was covered in cokey barf by the end of that car ride. Kate needs to take lessons from this one chick I got drunk with once. This ho barfed into a Corona bottle perfectly. She didn't spill one drop. And then she just threw it into the trash can and said, "Let's do a shot!" That takes major skill. She should go on "America's Got Talent."

Here's Kate being a wasted mess while leaving her third party of the night in London. Why is Kate partying with Kimbo Stewart? Really, Kate? Does Kimbo have the good shit or something? Kate must have been torn up as fuck to be hanging out with Kimbo.

Jennifer Aniston followed John Mayer all around the UK and Europe last week while he was playing gigs. Everything was fine until Jenny spotted Kimbo Stewart backstage at John's Hard Rock Calling show at Hyde Park in London. Kimbo and John apparently know each other, but Jenny doesn't want any hos around "who reminds her that he used to be a player," claims one source. Bitch better take John and move to Mongolia then, because John is a mega slut. Shit, I'm sure there's a camel in Mongolia who has hit that shit.

According to the Mirror, Jenny immediately told security to kick Kimbo out. Kimbo wouldn't move even though bouncers told her a couple of times that she had to take her nastiness elsewhere. John finally stepped in and demanded Kimbo be kicked out.

A source said, "Kim was pulled off the stage and escorted through the Hard Rock VIP tent with a face like thunder, shouting: 'Why doesn't he want me here? Is this because of her?' "She totally embarrassed herself, but Jen looked relieved."

When you start becoming jealous of the fugness known as Kimbo Stewart, it's time to check yourself into the nearest mental facility. Game over.

You know Marilyn Manson ordered Evan Rachel Wood to scour the vintage stores and replicate Dita Von Teese's outfit or else! If she doesn't do it, she'll have to sleep in the coffin again.

Here's Dita looking like Lovey Howell as she tried to avoid the sun at the Coachella yesterday.

Dita recently said that she does whatever it takes to keep her baby powder skin from getting tan. She said, "I never go sunbathing. My worst fear is looking down and seeing brown, wrinkly cleavage. It will get white and wrinkly, but there is no need to rush it. I pack vitamins to stop the sun doing anything to me. Some foods accelerate tanning, so I'm very careful about what I eat." Damn. The woman has dedication. I get up, go piss, put on some sweats and call it a day. Dita probably spends 2 hours picking her outfit and then another 2 hours picking out shit to eat that won't tan her skin.

Below are some other twats at Coachella including Sienna Miller, Kelly Osbourne, Kimbo Stewart and Melanie Griffith. They don't hold a candle to Dita's glamour!

Is it just me or does Melanie look like she's suffering from cokey mouth?