Madonna

Baby Jesus' father, God, has told Brazil's Who Magazine (via Gatecrasher) that the rumors about his son marrying Madonna are true. I'm not even a practicing Catholic anymore, but I feel like I need to pray for the fuckery I read in that last sentence. SANTO DIOS! Hand me a rosary and light a candle! Get my veil too! The lace one!

God said that they will "marry" in a Kabbalah ceremony in New York. Since it's not going to be a real marriage, he's not sure if it's legally binding or not. The magazine also asked God about the rumors that Madonna was making Baby Jesus take ESL lessons, but he says that's all just lies. God chirped, "Jesus already spoke English very well before he knew Madonna! I've spoken by phone with Madonna - in French, because my English is not fluent - and she appears to me to be a normal and polite person. She is feminine. I don't feel she is a harsh person."

If you swallowed your tongue after reading the "feminine" part, you're not alone. I've been trying to pull my tongue out of my throat ever since I read that. Madonna is about as feminine as a T-Rex's dick.

You know, something in the milk ain't clean about this Kabbalah ceremony thing. Methinks Vadge is up to something. This isn't a commitment ceremony, this is a de-nutsack ceremony! And while she's in there, she's going to take his peen's hoody too! Because if you're going to be knocking it with Madonna long-term, you gotta leave your ballies at the door.

Okay, kids, grab the net! It looks like Memaw Vadge stole Little Krissy's tap dancing outfit again and is running the streets like a crazy in it.

For the love of CaCa! What is this that I'm looking at it? This looks like Scotty the Blue Bunny starring in an S&M version of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? as seen through the eyes of a delusional homeless dude who thinks he's in the reincarnation of Picasso. Give memaw some warm Benefiber, soak her dentures in some Polident and read her a sweet story until she goes to bed. Bitch needs to lie down! Trix are for kids and so is this outfit.

Here's Vadge in the latest LOOKATMEGODPLEASELOOKATMEPLEASE creation from Louis Vuitton at last night's Costume Institute Gala at The Met and later with Baby Jesus at the after-party. Seriously, where is Elmer Fudd when you need him?

Madonna is really trying to make her child happen in the fashion world. Before his pimp and savior came along, Baby Jesus was just another purdy face in a sea of models. But now that he's Vadge's main culo tickler, the work has been pouring in and not everyone's has smile faces about it.

Last week, Baby Jesus walked the Jeffrey Fashion Cares show in NYC and the other models crucified him with their words! A source told Gatecrasher, “None of the other models would talk to Jesus or even look at him. They were gossiping like catty girls about how they couldn’t wait for his career to fizzle out.” His career?! What about his peen fizzling? It probably looks like a dehydrated green bean now.

The catty models and I can laugh all we want, but Baby Jesus is still getting work, dehydrated peen and all. He's about to shoot a campaign for Dolce & Gabbana. And Marc Jacobs even wrote a letter to the US Visa people telling him that Baby Jesus needs to stay in the country to work, because he's important to the fashion industry. I just rolled my eyes so hard that my contact popped out! Baby Jesus is no Sue Ellen Crandell.

If I were Baby Jesus, I'd quit this modeling thing and focus on getting knocked up! Hey, Vadge probably produces man sperm, so it's not totally out of the question. Baby Jesus needs to get pregnant to secure his future! And if he can give birth to an African orphan, even better.

Here's Baby Jesus' adopted memaw taking her new face out for a walk in NYC last night.

Just a few days after a horse threw Vadge off its back causing her to break into a million tiny pieces like a Jenga puzzle, she was back out wining and dining her sweet Baby Jesus. Madonna and child shared a meal together at the Waverly Inn in NYC last night. Well, he probably ate and she sat back, taking in the intoxicating scent of the young blood running through his baby veins. Vadge really gets off watching her victims eat just before she devours the hotness right out of them.

You know, I've said this eleventy times before, but Vadge's FACE. HER FACE. I took a magnifying glass to these pictures, because I wanted to find a little pair of culo lips somewhere on her mug. I'm convinced her face has been covered with the skin of a baby's ass.

After Vadge got dropped on her roidy ass (which probably killed a whole colony of ants living down below) by a really hot horse, she blamed the whole thing on a paparazzo. Vadge's spokeswhore said that a pap jumped out of the bushes, freaking the horse out and causing Baby Jesus' pimp to hit the ground. The pap said Vadge and her slaves were telling major major lies. According to his ass, he was only around before and after the fall, but not during. He said that if he was around, he would've gotten pictures of her flying off her high horse. And those pictures would've immediately been hung over my bed, so that I could go to bed and wake up with a smile on my mug.

The cops who took Vadge's statement are apparently sliding up to the pap's side. Sgt. Herbert Johnson of the Southampton Police Department told TMZ, "There is no mention of photographers. It's a matter of spin control that went out of control. If they felt there was something else, they would have written 'paparazzi' in the form -- if they felt there was a problem."

Why does Vadge gotta lie like that? She has no reason to be embarrassed. Everyone already knows that most living things don't want her riding their backs. I mean, her tarantula crotch can pinch through the toughest saddle, so that horse looked up to the sky, said a prayer and tossed the cuntrag. It tried to make it work.

Vadge was galloping through Steven Klein's South Hampton, NY estate on a horse yesterday when the paps jumped out of the bushes to get a picture of the two. Obviously, the horse didn't want to be photographed with Vadge on his back, so he threw her ass off!

Vadge got fucked up just a bit and had to be shuttled off to a nearby hospital. Lucky for her ass, Vadge was wearing a helmet and riding gear at the time. Vadge's spokesbitch said the hospital released her after treating her for minor injuries bruises. She will be fine.

Her spokesbitch issued this statement: "The accident occurred when the horse Madonna was riding was startled by paparazzi who jumped out of the bushes to photograph the singer, who was visiting friends on Eastern Long Island over the weekend. Madonna will be having further tests and will continue to remain under observation by doctors."

This isn't Vadge's first time at the "Dropped By A Horse Rodeo," back in 2005 she broke a ton of ole' bones after falling off a horse in England. Damn that Osteoporosis!

So, basically, horseys don't like Vadge very much. Maybe she should start riding something a little closer to the ground. Giant bunny rabbits? Elderly Mastiffs? Morbidly obese pigs? Naw, none of those animals would appreciate a giant roid wart on their back. Vadge should play it safe from now on and stick to riding Baby Jesuses.

Source: UsWeekly

Many years ago Vadge was licking the taint of a skeezy music producer behind the dumpster in a back alley just so he could listen to her demo and now she's plopping down $40 million for a townhouse. Don't ever let someone tell you that a lot of dick sucking doesn't pay off!

IN THIS ECONOMY, some whores aren't hurting and Vadge is one of them. The NY Post says she has signed a contract to buy a four-story 12,000 sq. ft. townhouse at 152 East 81st Street in Manhattan. The original listing price was $45 mill, so Vadge got a deal!

Visit Curbed to see pictures of the inside if you give a haggard bitch's clit.

Vadge really, really hates losing. The African baby snatcher's plans were de-fucking-railed after a judge declined her purchase of a baby, because had not lived in Malawi for at least 18-months . Vadge is already planning to build a house there and now she has pleaded her case to Malawi's Nation newspaper after they asked her ass a bunch of questions. Vadge hiked up her roidy-cooch, got on her news and begged!!!!

"I want to provide Mercy with a home, a loving family environment and the best education and healthcare possible. And it's my hope that she, like David, will one day return to Malawi and help the people of their country. Though I have been advised that I cannot publicly discuss the pending appeal regarding my desire to adopt Mercy, I do want to say how much I appreciate the level of support that I have received from the people of Malawi and my friends around the world."

Welcome to the world that exists outside of your head, Vadge! Seriously, this bitch really can't wrap her sascrotch around something called rules. If she wants to win in the end that badly, she just needs to take her haggy ass to Malawi, sit down for 18-months and then collect her prize. It's not hard. I just hope that at the end of 18 months, the judge shoots her down again! Because when Vadge loses, the world gathers as one for a quick minute to laugh!

VIA UsWeekly

A judge in Malawi told Vadge to go fuck herself with her own roidy clit by denying her adoption of Baby Mercy. The judge said that only hos who have lived in Malawi for 18-months or more can adopt a baby. Because of that ruling, Vadge has decided to build a house next to her already planned all-girls school in Malawi.

Vadge's recent visit to Malawi wasn't only a baby buying trip. She was also there to oversee construction of her school and she also told her architect to draw up plans for a house. The Sun says, “Madonna has a big, beautiful plot of land over there already. She’s planning to build a girl’s school in the Chinkhota village and those designs are well under way. But she’s gone back to the designers and asked if they could accommodate a family home on the plot or on adjacent land.”

Why does this remind of Poltergeist? Probably because Vadge had to shoo away a bunch of villagers to get her claws on that land! The villagers are still pissed because Vadge hasn't compensated them. You know they put a spell on that shit. Vadge is thinking she's slick by building a house there so she can finally get Mercy! Bitch refuses to lose. But Vadge's new house is going to be haunted with the ghosts of all the bitches she sucked the youth out of! Everywhere she turns there will be a Ritchie or a Baby Jesus! Those villagers aren't going to let her win this time!

Last night in London, Vadge was seen leaving a restaurant through the back door trying to be all sneaky and shit. A few minutes later, a mystery piece also left and the paps say he followed Vadge back to her crypt. The dude and Vadge were apparently also having dinner inside. I understand that Vadge needs to feed her roidy pussy monster, but this is the best she could do?! Dude looks like the bloated bastard child of John Cusack and Chuck Bass! Vadge goes from riding Baby Jesus' holy rod to this? WAIT! Maybe that is Baby Jesus after Vadge sucked all his youth and hotness out. It's possible.

And even though Madonna looks like she's hiding her devil horns with her hair in the pictures below, she recently did a very good thing. E! News says Madonna graciously donated around $500,000 to help the victims from the 6.3 earthquake that hit the Abruzzo region in Italy. Hundreds lost their lives and thousands are homeless. Madonna's grandparents lived in the village of Pacentro. She issued this statement through her rep: "I am happy to lend a helping hand to the town that my ancestors are from. My heart goes out to the families that have lost loved ones or their homes."