Madonna

No, this isn't the crazy old lady from the subway who skips around singing nursery rhymes for quarters. True story: I've seen a lady like that on the train. This is Vadge dressed up like some sad ass elderly person in a school girl costume for a Purim party at the Kabbalahalalaahahaal Center in NYC last night. Lourdes is not going to be happy when she finds that a rabid beaver has been scavenging through her closet. Vadge shouldn't have even tried. Jerri Blank did it hotter.

And I wish that bruise on her leg would shut the fuck up. It's telling me how it got there and this is not something I ever need to know. It involves a goat, Baby Jesus, a shock collar and a crucifix dildo. Dark-sided.

Baby Jesus showed up to the party a little while later with Jessica Seinfeld. In case you couldn't tell, he's dressed as the Joker. But I don't think that's make-up. His face always looks like that after a battle with Vadge's roidy-vadge. It bites back.

Look! It's Madonna and the Baby Jesus on a wintery night! The only thing missing is a fucking manger and some farm animals. How fucking special.

Anythisisborderlinepedoshit, Vadge and her hooker of the moment had a beautiful dinner in NYC last night. I'm sure it was really romantic with him sitting on a highchair slurping on mushy peas while Vadge readjusted her colostomy bag.

And take a good look at Baby Jesus while he's still young and beautiful, because that shit isn't going to last. Vadge is quickly sucking out his youth. By the end of the month, she'll look like a roidy toddler and he'll look like Larry King's freeze-dried dick.

File this under: Things that can make you impotent. Rosie O'Donnell told Ty Ty Banks on her show that Vadge has been giving her menopause advice. Rosie + Ty Ty + Vadge + Menopause = Dead nuts.

In an episode airing tomorrow and Friday, Rosie tells Ty Ty that she's been going through the change, "Well let me tell you one thing, Tyra: I am about to be 47 next month and Aunt Flow has not shown up for nine months. It started for me at 41...I would be in the bed, and I would wake up and the sheets would be soaking wet -- not damp -- soaking wet. I thought, 'Oh, Vivi (her daughter) crawled in here last night and maybe she wet.' So I would throw the covers off and turn to look -- and there's no Vivi, it's just Kelli (her partner in pussy). Then I'm like, 'Kelli is incontinent!' And then I realized, no it's me." _ __ ___ ____ ______ My brain just flatlined for a quick minute.

Rosie sees Vadge as a big sister (HA!), so she emailed her for advice, "When I started having my hormone things, I'm like, 'What the hell is going on?' she's like, 'Get the cream.'"

Coming from Vadge, "get the cream" could be code for so many things. The blood cream from a dude's ripped off ballsack? The cream from a Baby Jesus? The cream that many professional athletes inject into their muscly nalgas?

But Rosie probably doesn't have to worry about menopause anymore. When she read that e-mail from Vadge about the change, all her lady parts packed up their happy lil' shit and busted out of that bitch's ass. Vadge talking about menopause was way too much for them. Rosie probably thought it was just gas from her Mexican lunch.

VIA UsWeekly

If this shit is true, then I will quit this bitch and become Sean Peen's personal nostril cleaner. Shit, I'd be his nostril cleaner anyway. Think of all the sugar he's got up there. I'd scrape it out, sell it back to his cokey ass and use the cash to build the Mother's Circus Animal Cookie house of my dreams!

The Sun says that Sean ran into his old bitch Vadge at her Oscars after-party. Vadge had Baby Jesus with her and when she went to thank Sean on his win, he answered, “Thanks. Another kid already?”

Sean can do a line off my taint anytime. And I know you're thinking that Sean shouldn't talk since he's probably biting on Lindsay Blohan's cokey puss lips. But let's be real, that bitch ain't a kid! She almost looks older than Vadge and that's saying everything.

P.S. - Remember when Vadge didn't look like a velociraptor's dick? She was so hot back then. Nautical diaper shorts and all.

Madonna was without child at last night's Vanity Fair Oscar party. It was rumored that Vadge would use the party as her official coming out with Jesus. That didn't happen. Vadge came solo.

Maybe they were canoodling earlier and Jesus forgot the safe word, so he blacked out. Seriously, if Vadge hugged me, I think every bone in my body would quit that bitch. That roid-sponsored bicep could poke a damn head off. Dudes have to wrap their dicks in armor when she gives them a handjob.

I think that when Jesus blacked out, Vadge took some skin from his baby ass and pasted it over her face. The old hag's mug looks as smooth as Baby Jesus' nalgas. And for the sake of humanity and working eyeballs, I hope she stayed away from floor lights in that dress.

Brand new Kabbahalist Jesus will get to off his shiny red string this Sunday, because he will be Vadge's official guest at Vanity Fair's Oscar party. Oh, Vadge. Still making everything about her. Yes, the attention whore dildo is still perfectly wedged in her roidy cooch and shows no signs of ever moving.

OK! Magazine says Vadge and her child have been planning their coming out party all week. A source said, "Madonna is planning on using the Vanity Fair party to introduce Jesus to the world as her new boyfriend, and she wants everything to be perfect!"

Why stop at just bringing him to the party? If Vadge really wants all cameras on her new baby, she should go even further. Vadge should come as a pregnant Virgin Mary and a naked Jesus can pop out of her snatch halfway down the red carpet. There's enough room in there for him to hang out in until it's time.

They can be wheeled in on a Vegas-themed manger with shirtless dancers dressed as farm animals grinding around them. You know the idea has crossed her mind....

That's if this rumor from Ryan Gaycrest (via ONTD) is true. On E! news, Gaycrest says that Vadge's business partner, Guy Oseary, is executive producing the Twilight sequel, New Moon, and wants to involve the gristle granny somehow. Gaycrest said it's likely that she'll take a role in the movie and also put together the soundtrack. Do you hear that? The unicorns from Robert Pattinson's magical forest are bawling and stabbing each other in the eyes with their horns.

Do the bitches of New Moon want their shit to sweep the Razzies next year? Even Robert's magical unicorn friends are no match for Vadge's kiss of the death. If Vadge so much as winks at the script, the entire movie will end up on FAIL Blog.

Does the book even have a character that's a roidy memaw creature who sucks on the blood of young boys with her toothy sascrotch? If so, then fair enough, because that's the role Vadge was born to play. I mean, she's already living it.

Or maybe she's just going to play a corpse? She convincingly played one in The Next Best Thing, so she's already proven that she's the one for the job.

Is it Kabbalahist? I didn't know what to call a ho who studies that stuff. Kabbalahead? I almost wrote red stringer, but that sounds like it involves a dirty tampon. Which would kind of be fitting since this post is about Vadge. Kabbahlist it is, for now.

Reportedly, Vadge's personal Jesus has switched over to Kabbalah. There's one million and one religious jokes in there, but I don't know dick about religion. Probably because I was too busy sucking it in the church parking lot when I should've been at confirmation classes. Ungodly, I know. I'll get mine.

A source told The Daily Mirror (via SP) that Jesus has been telling friends he has converted and has even researched Kabbalah on the internet. The source went on to say, "He has joined an online Kabbalah group and is keen to become an active member. Madonna has also offered to take him to the Kabbalah center in New York and he is exceedingly keen to take her up on that."

Jesus' family are strict Catholics so apparently they aren't going to be happy about this. My abuelita would've tied him to a tree and kept him there overnight if he pulled this shit on her. My abuelita actually did that to one of her daughters when she found out she gave a dude a handjob! I'm not even joking. Abuelitas are not the ones.

Okay, is it that easy to convert to Kabbalah? I guess all you have to do is place your skin berries in Vadge's roided-up nutcracker, close your eyes and say goodbye to your friends. You may lose your nuts, but you'll gain a pretty red string to wear around your wrist.

Here's Kabbalah recruiter Vadge and red stringer Jesus leaving some restaurant in NYC last night.

Some of us are still recovering from seeing Vadge's vintage sascrotch the first time. I still won't let my dog sit on my lap because it gives me terrible flashbacks. Well, you know what the say, the best way to conquer your fear is to face it again! That's why you have to (NSFL) click here to relieve the hairy fuggery all over again. Make you sure you zoom in and get a little closer. After your stomach has emptied itself all over your keyboard, it won't seem so bad. It's a shame she didn't enter it in Westminster. That cunt would've won Best in Show.

Anysugarpielivesonmadonnascooch, some bitch named Fabrizio Masoni bought that shit at auction for $37,500 yesterday.

Where the hell is he going to hang that mess? In his bathroom to remind him to shave every day? I could never have that thing it my house. My dog would annoy me by always wanting to cuddle next to it thinking it's his long-lost mommy.

After A-Roidy admitted to juicing up, he ran back to his ex-wife Cynthia instead of finding comfort in Vadge's big, roidy labia lips. This does not please Vadge. Hear He-Vadge roar!

Some nosy bitch tells Gatecrasher that after the sort-of roid scandal hit, A-Roidy jumped on the next jet to Florida to bawl on Cynthia's biceps. Vadge took this as the "ultimate dis." A-Roidy's people didn't want him to go to Vadge, because they think he's already had enough bad publicity.

The source went on to say, "Madonna and A-Rod have been burning up the phones. and she keeps on insisting that Jesus is just a PR stunt. Alex says he understands, and now he's asking her to understand that salvaging his career is his priority."

Why do I picture them rubbing their phones all over their muscly nutsacks while moaning like bears? Burning up the phone, literally.

Staying away from Vadge is also salvaging his peen. Just like shooting up roids shrivels your dick down a bit, so does sticking it in Vadge's cocktrap.

Vadge is apparently so desperate (the word was made for her) to see A-Roidy that she's planning some kind of secret rendezvous with him in the Hamptons.

Okay, what is it about A-Roidy? Vadge has got herself a sexy cross of raw sex named Jesus and her puss is slobbering over big-titted A-Roidy? Does he cum steroids or some shit? Does it turn her on that her roidy clit is longer and fatter than his wang? I don't get it!

By the way, Mayor Bloomberg better put NYC on high alert. If Vadge is angry, she might start throwing cars around and climbing buildings.