Madonna

Just put a little salt on your no-no to stop it from puckering up a storm at the sight of these panty creaming pictures of hot ass Jesus. I think writing that sentence just earned me an extra shift cleaning Satan's dick butter off in Hell.

Every hole is screaming GOT DAYUM at Jesus. I'm surprised his utter hotness didn't melt all the plastic in Vadge's face. It probably did, but the Photoshop slaves fixed that shit up. Actually, they probably just copy and pasted Vadge's face from her Sex Book right over these pictures. Too bad there isn't an "erase desperation" tool in Photoshop, because this shit is covered in it!

I won't make one rude comment about her roidy poon, because she mostly her crotch area to herself in some of these pictures. I mean, she's crossing her legs on the cover! It probably took a dozen cranes, hundreds of crow bars and a few gallons of holy water to achieve that shit.

In the second thumbnail below, we are witnessing a grown man realize that he's just sold his soul to The Vadge. But he deserves that shit for tattooing "Jesus Lux" on his back. Only an asshole would tattoo their names on themselves, but I'd still lick on it. It probably tastes like boiled douchewater.

Visit W Magazine to see the rest of these Photoshopped-to-hell creations.

Back in 2003, A-Rod of the NY Yankees (that's a baseball team, I think) got an A++++ on his steroids test! Or maybe testing positive means you got an F----?

Anyroidsmakeyourpeensad, that's what Sports Illustrated is saying. Four sources (that means it's fact!) say A-Rod's name is on a list of 104 players who tested positive for that shit in Major League Baseball's 2003 survey testing. This was the same year he won the AL MVP award. But in 2003, bitches didn't get in trouble for testing positive.

A SI reporter asked A-Rod about this shit while he was working out at a gym in Miami. The only thing A-Rod had to say was, "You'll have to talk to the union." The union had no comment.

Yeah, don't color me surprised, because it won't take. I was under the impression that all those hos who run far for a living ate frosted roids for breakfast.

And somebody better award my ass with an ice cold roidtini for not mentioning Vadge's roidy poon during this entire post! Oh, wait...

In this week's OK! Magazine they have a story about evil witch Vadge being jealous of her 12-year-old daughter's youth and beauty. This is some serious Snow White shit. I guess that makes A-Rod Dopey. When Vadge says, "Mirror mirror on the wall...Who's the-", the mirror cuts her off and says, "Bitch, don't embarrass yourself."

A source tells the magazine that Vadge knows Lourdes is going to grow up to be a hot bitch and dudes will soon start paying her some attention. This worries Vadge since she wants to be the one that dicks bark for. The source went on to say, "Knowing Madonna's taste for younger guys, it's a matter of course that they'll be dating men the same age. It's disturbing."

Vadge wants to keep Lourdes' beauty caged, so at a UNICEF event last year, the mean bitch refused to let a hairdresser work on her daughter's hair. A nosy bitch said that Vadge "probably didn't want her daughter to look better than her." Er. That feat is not hard to beat. I just picked a crusty caca ball from my eye that is sexier than Vadge.

And as for the hot pocket topic known as Lourdes' caterpillar eyebrows, Vadge is the one who refused to let her daughter get that shit bush whacked. Eventually, Vadge couldn't fight the battle anymore and allowed Lourdes to get them shaped, claims the source.

Sorry, Vadge. As a wise woman named Cristal Connors once said, "There's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you." You can't fight the hot. And Lourdes should really watch out, because it's only a matter of time before Vadge tries to steal the hot right off of her.

And as for Lourdes' current eyebrow situation: needs more Sharpie.

Vadge has imported her 22-year-old boy toy Jesus Luz from Brazil to NYC. Vadge, Jesus and her son David all had lunch together at Marcelleria Steakhouse. I'm assuming they went back to her dungeon where she ate even more meat. You know she totally gets off on the fact that his name is Jesus and her name is Madonna. I want to shower in boiling hot holy water to wash away the impure thoughts of them role-playing in a fake manger. Those poor goats.

Vadge and Jesus were first spotted together in Brazil about a month ago. They reportedly started licking each other's taints after meeting during a W Magazine photo shoot. Obviously, Vadge is with him because he's a curly-topped tower of raw sex who won't talk back. And Jesus is with her....because...well... the rent is due. The risk of losing your dick every time you stick it in Vadge's velociraptor pussy is worth it. Just file this under: The shit you do IN THIS ECONOMY.

I just wish that Vadge doesn't turn this into a situation. The last thing she needs is long-term dick. Just fuck it, pay it and dump it. And it looks like riding young peen is paying off. For once, Vadge doesn't look like she's coming to eat the souls of our children.

Lady Vadge will flee her native England and return to America with her kids in tow. It's Christmas again in the UK! The Evening Standards says Vadge has temporarily won the right to take Rocco and David to NYC. That shit will become forever permanent in a couple of weeks.

Vadge and Guy Ritchie were divorced a couple of months ago, but never decided on where the kids will live. Guy apparently wanted the boys to continue to go to school in England, but Vadge wanted them with her in NYC. Vadge won. She always wins!

A source close to the situation said, “Everything is going to be resolved in the next couple of weeks. Everything is going well. It's pretty amicable at the moment. Things are progressing. There was a issue about where the children should live but that has been decided in Madonna's favor.”

This sounds like a wonderful decision. Who needs a father around anyway? I grew up without my father around all the time and I turned out beautifully. Yes, I regularly cry in my shower wondering why my daddy left me, but other than that, I'm totally normal.

And I feel like both of our governments should have worked together on this. Since we're getting Vadge back, England should have to take one of our useless celebwhores. Parasite Hilton is there right now! Keep her. Oh and keep Vadge's accent too.

Ten gazillion outtakes from Vadge's Hardy Candy album photo shoot have leaked and I understand why none of these made the final cut. What braintard came up with the idea to make Vadge look like a slutty memaw wearing a granny thong inside a loony bin? And Vadge just can't put her velicicrotch away, but at least she took an electric chicken plucker to (NSFW) that shit.

You know what I love most about these pictures? The fact that they haven't been touched by a Photoshop tool! That way you can see the authentic look of desperation on her face and every mutant vein bulging out. These pictures really just make me want to hand Vadge a big bowl of caramel squares and tell her that getting old is okay and can be fun. I mean, soon she'll get a discount at the movie theaters! Becoming a memaw has its perks.

Below are more pictures that will make you want to sleep with the lights on tonight. And if you still haven't had enough, Hard Candy has many more with this came from. Oh and beware, there's a granny nip in one of these pictures. I also added some previews of Vadge with Jesus in W Magazine. Seriously, thank the gods for Photoshop. Thank them indeed.

Oh 1979. It was so much easier back then. You didn't have to worry about losing partial feeling in your puss lips from getting them waxed or cutting your nutsack from shaking your hand while shaving that shit. You could let the forest grow freely. That's what Vadge did and there's a picture on the auction block to prove it!

You've probably already seen this shit, because it was in Playboy back in 1985, so it's lived on the internet for a while.

The picture was taken in 1979 when Vadge needed quick cash to buy shit (razors were obviously not on her list). It was taken by Lee Friedlander. He said he paid her around $25 for the shoot. The other 5 pictures in the series already sold for $7,170 in 2003. This one is expected to get anywhere from $10k to $15k at Christies. Yes, $10,000 for hairy snatch! Vadge's bush o'plenty can be yours on February 12th.

Nowadays, Vadge couldn't grow hair down there if she fucking threw some Rogaine at it. That's where nutsacks go to die.

Anyway, see where Bigfoot used to live after the jump. I don't have to tell you that Vadge's vintage Sascrotch is NSFW. JUMP!!!

Before we get into this tragic tale of getting beat down at the Vadge concert, can we discuss the picture above. Is that mega peen or pocket gas? If it's the former, Patrick Wolf has just earned a place on my "No-No's Most Wanted" list. I can ignore his Tinkerbell fell in a dumpster look as long as the peen is major.

Okay, so if you're going to a Vadge concert, you should expect to be surrounded by shiny gayness. The gayness in the air should be so thick that you'll start to cough up glitter. That's not the case and singer (and frequent guest on my iTunes playlist) Patrick Wolf learned this the hard way.

In an interview with Electroqueer, Patrick said he was trying to get a little sugar from his boyfriend at Vadge's gun show, when he was told by security that he needs to stop that funny shit, because prudes were bitching about it. Patrick said:

"Three songs in, me and my man were kissing and there were loads of conservative straight couples around us that complained. And then the bouncers came up to me and said, 'Can you stop that? This is a family venue.' No joke...

The bouncer said, 'You know we can do this the easy way or the violent way' and I said, 'I'm staying so you do whatever you want.' And then they just grabbed both of us. We were beaten up outside Wembley, handcuffed. These guys were like football bouncers. The police came and it just went on and on and on. My man's face covered in blood. I couldn't move for like a month. I had to lie in bed on painkillers for ages. They totally twisted my arm and my legs - it was just mad.

They are currently researching the CCTV - it's just really nuts. We basically got beaten up by the police. You know it means I can't be bothered to listen to Madonna ever again - which is good because it means I have more time for better music. You live and you learn.

You get into scraps with bouncers the whole time, but that was one step up because there were like seven of them and they just wanted to have a go because they were bored. There was a lot of quite homophobic shit going down which I was really pissed about seeing - it was a Madonna concert, y'know!"

Now I have another reason to never go to a Vadge show again! The first reason is that I really don't want to take a second mortgage on my mom's house to buy a ticket. And now I've learned that if you go, you might end your night in an hospital where you have to shit in a bag because you got your ass kicked so badly. It's bad enough that I have to go caca in a bag in the comfort of my own house, but in a hospital with everyone watching? Too much.

Seriously, how is the Vadge show a family event? CPS better come knocking on your screen door if you take your kids to that shit. Who cares about the cursing and sex! It's her Gremlin-crotch that will give your children night terrors for the rest of their lives. They'll wake up screaming about the toothy clit coming to get them!

Thanks Emily

Hopefully, this shit is true and Vadge is finally trying to loosen up her knotty twatty with the help of a young hot piece. According to Page Six and Glamurama, Vadge was shooting some shit for W Magazine (AGAIN!) in Rio with a male model who goes by the name of Jesus Luz. Vadge must have wanted a little Jesus in her, because she invited him to join her on tour in Sao Paolo. Of course, he went along, because if you don't do what Vadge says, her saber tooth snatch will bite you.

Glamurama said, "Everyone knows they are ficando - which is a Portuguese expression that means they are kissing and doing other things but without any obligation of being faithful or getting into a relationship afterwards."

This is exactly what Vadge needs to be doing. Fuck that A-Rod creature. She needs to whore it up and pass the pussssay around! The ten-foot long stick that's been stuck up her roided-up ass for far too long needs to be pulled out, so that some hard dick can go in! That's why she's so fucking uptight with all her LISTS, because she needs new and different kinds of peen. Variety is really the spice of life. Being a mega whore will set you free. It might also get you a few trips to the free clinic, but that's a small price to pay!

I say, get it, ride it, suck it, slap it, dump it and then get a new one! Seriously, if she did that shit, she might not be such a royal cunt all the time.

Here's a few pictures of Vadge's hopefully hot piece of the moment. And he's perfect, because when you scream JESUS, you'll be saying his name too! And it goes without saying, but I'd hit it in the manger.

On Monday, Vadge's very own spokeswhore of a million years, Liz Rosenberg, told the world that Guy Ritchie got around $76 to $92 million for being married to a velociraptor with a nut cracker vagina. We all rejoiced and danced on our old Like A Virgin records. I'm joking about that last part. My Like A Virgin record is a prized possession. Only because my dumb fuck sister forged an autograph from Vadge on it before giving it to me as a present when we were kids. I framed it and everything! I found out a couple of years later she lied to me and committed forgery! Heartbreaking and illegal. Okay, I really found out last week.

Anyway, Vadge and Guy have issued a joint statement saying the settlement amount is completely wrong. Vadge said (with Guy's nuts still in her claws), "We have tried to maintain a dignified silence regarding the details of our divorce for the last few months whilst accepting the obvious media interest. A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued to AP this week. The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement. Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well being of our children."

Please, this shit was all planned out. Vadge was so angry that she started gritting her pussy teeth when everyone called Guy Ritchie "saint of the year" for walking away from her fortune. So in order to rain on Guy's good guy parade, Vadge had her spokesbitch make that little announcement knowing that she would issue her own statement a few days later claiming the amount is all wrong.

Everything is so damn complicated in Vadge's life! Fuck. She needs Neicy Nash and the Clean House team to visit her brains and get rid of all the damn clutter. I swear. She makes everything so damn difficult.

And if Liz is the one that fucked up, well, then we probably won't hear from her ass for a while, because she's being held in Vadge's jail cell crotch. If you happen to walk by Vadge in the next few days, throw a few stale bread crumbs towards her vagina for Liz to snack on.