Kate Hudson

The last time Kate Hudson threw the brown on top of her head, I toasted to her with a Pabst wrapped in a Rice Krispies treat beer cozy and declared her the new reigning queen of NASCAR glamour, because she looked like the kind of treasured trailer park blossom who submits pictures of herself from People of Walmart to Tits and Beer Magazine's beauty of the year contest. But Kate strut out onto the NYC set of her new movie The Reluctant Fundamentalist with a Russell Brand wig on her head and this time I can't toast to shit.

At least I hope that thing on her head can be removed and thrown onto a bedside chair at the end of the night. If it can, they really should've dunked her head in a tub of brown dye instead of fixing a wig to her skull that makes her look like she should be discussing topics like "how a lady can free a stuck shit by putting a finger up into her vagina" (please tell me this is true) next to Julie Chen and Sharon Osbourne. No offense to my 4th favorite Conner after DJ, Roseanne and Dan.

However, one way to keep our eyes off of Kate's head is to put her next to a hot piece in a corduroy jacket. His name is Riz Ahmed and we shall be married never, but a ho can still dream (and fap).

But back to whatever is on Kate's head, I give it 5 out of 5 ERRRRR faces from the new love of my blog life.

If you were sitting there thinking that no Hudson is as insufferably annoying as Kate Hudson, then meet Bill Hudson the man who pushed out the sperm that was later transformed into the dwarf monster who terrorizes romantic comedy after romantic comedy. Bill, who made Kate and Oliver Hudson with Goldie Hawn and later wiped his hands of parental rights when Kurt Russell came on the scene, is releasing an ESCANDALOSO tell-all this fall without the ESCANDALOSO part. Bill is basically Michael Lohan-ing this shit by crying about how Goldie and Kurt are the ones who pushed him out, and now Kate Hudson won't even talk to him or her memaw who is dying from Alzheimer's.

Bill is whining so hard that he's making Kate seem as pleasant as a hand job from a daisy. The details about this mess from Radar:

Life in the spotlight is not without its consequences, and the Hudson family was no exception," the book's website touts. "While enjoying success as a part of the 1970s musical group The Hudson Brothers, Bill Hudson fell in love and married actress Goldie Hawn.

"After their divorce, Bill found himself in the middle of the controversial issue of parental alienation. His rights as a father to see his children were often played out in the media because Oliver and Kate became actors themselves."

Devastating secrets and salacious details of both Goldie and Kate's lives are expected to be revealed.

As RadarOnline.com was first to report, Bill accused Kate of not visiting or calling her dying grandma, who is battling Alzheimer's disease.

"Kate doesn't have to talk to me and she doesn't have to give her a dime of her millions. All I want is for her to call and say, 'Hi grandma', before it's too late," Bill said.

"I love Kate, but... She has done stuff which is just awful. She is a spoiled brat in my eyes and at the end of the day, she should meet her little sister. I should meet my grandchild and she should help her grandmother."

That shit is supposed to be salacious? Bill is just trying to shame Kate into throwing some of her Something Borrowed money into her grand mama je'e's pocket book while trying to make a check himself. Well, I guess if you can't get your daughter to give you some money, you might as well make some money off of her ass by calling her a "spoiled brat" in a tell-all book that not even dust will touch. But you know, after watching the last part of Bride Wars the other night, I'm totally on Team Asshole Bill.

Here's Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy mouth kissing in front of their newborn Google Goldie at a cafe in London while a man of the people makes a "Waitress, there's a BARF in my soup!" face! The only time I want to see a dwarf kiss an elf out in public is in Narnia! Is a talking lion walking the streets in front of that cafe? Nope. Therefore, it's not Narnia, so keep your lips to yourselves! Before you call me a prude who hates public displays of affection, fuck your throat with your tongue. I never said I hated public displays of affection.

Giving a beej in front of a back alley dumpster to a strange dude you just met by the cigarette machine = OKAY

Giving G-rated lovey kisses to the father of your child inside of an eating establishment = NOT OKAY

In case you forgot what a tiny newbornling looks like, here's Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy's 5-week-old son Bingham Hawn Bellamy (that name still makes my eyeballs twist) making his public debut in a picture his dad Twatted yesterday.

You know, Kate Hudson probably brought in a stylist to perfectly blow out her hair and then made her make-up artist do up her face up so it looks like the sunlight is naturally bringing out the rosy in her cheeks, but bitch couldn't pose Bing so he doesn't look like he's trying to pull a new name out of his nose?

And how dare Kate and Matt release the first picture of Bing for free! They could've done a 10-page spread for Life & Style and donated all of the money to a children's charity. Think of all the third world orphans who will starve until the Grim Reaper taps on their shoulders, because of Kate and Matt's selfishness!

But seriously, now that I look at Bing, he looks more like a Chanandler Bong to me.

via Too Fab

If you're birthing out a baby this week and plan to name it either Corky Sherwood or Waldo Faldo, then you better copyright it now, because obviously the theme of the week is naming your kid after 90s sitcom characters. Posh & Becks already showed their love for George Costanza by naming their first daughter Harper Seven, and now Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy have shown us which Friends character is their favorite. No, not Smelly Cat. I wish. Matt Tweeted this immortal words that will haunt his son until the kid learns how to fill out a name-changing form on his own.

So happy! Just had a baby boy, Bingham "Bing" Hawn Bellamy. Born 7Ib 12Oz, on 9th July.

BINGHAM BING HAWN BELLAMY?! Your child's name should not sound like a tongue twisting exercise a theater geek does before taking the stage in their high school production of Pride & Prejudice. If you typed the name "Bingham Hawn Bellamy" into BING it will automatically direct you to the website thefuckiswrongwithyourstupidass.com. Ask Jeeves Hawn Bellamy would've been better since bitches only use BING to find free porn and cat pictures. Bing Bellamy was probably John Waters' first choice of a name for Corny Collins in Haispray.

But let me look at the bright side of things, if an O pushed the I out of the way and took its place, his name would be BONG BELLAMY. Doesn't that have a beautiful ring to it? Or maybe I inhaled my last toke too fast and I really am just hearing bells ring.

via ONTD

Kate Hudson guessed that she was having a baby of the female variety, because a string of hair and a ring said so! But nope, that shit was wrong because she had another baby boy! The pendulum test fails yet again. (Or maybe Kate's son tried to fuck with her by tucking his shit in the womb.)

Kate's spokeswhore tells UsWeekly that Kate and her fiance Matt Bellamy of Muse embraced a bundle of slobber, wet poo and needy coos as Goldie Hawn and the Dalai Lama (who Skyped in from DC) hummed out a chant to center Kate's sacral chakra. This is Kate's second kid and Matt's first.

Kate's rep kept their lips shut about what they named their new son, but her first son's name is Ryder Russell Robinson, so they probably kept with the same initial theme. I'm thinking Bitch Bogus Bellamy, Big Beautiful Bellamy, Bossy Bottom Bellamy, Beep Beep Bellamy, Blue Benetnasch Bellamy, or Bam Bam Bellamy. But if I was them, the only name to choose from would be: Ring Dem Bellamy.

Andre Leon Talley is the most influential person in the fashion world (as Tyra Banks tells us every single week on America's Next Top Model) and he really didn't disappoint at last night's MET Costume Gala last night when he floated onto the red carpet like the ethereal gay dream version of some University's mascot. You can tell that when his farts billow through that gown, they smell like blueberries dipped in melted grape chapstick. When ALT is done with that old gown, he can donate it to the entire graduating class (EVERY SCHOOL) of 2011! There's room in there for all of them.

The Vixen of Vogue wasn't the only trick who served scalding hot fuckery on a plate of fuckery last night. There were others who made it their night's goal to summon a wave of WTF faces from the photographers. They would not let ALT be the only one. No, they would not!

Wednesday Addams snatched this shit from the rack marked "Morticia's freakum dresses" in The Addams Family costume closet many years ago and she's been waiting for the day to wear it.

Kate Hudson's dress is pretty normal, but that crap on her head looks like a rhinestone sea urchin that crawled out of Andre Leon's Talley's glitter hole and found a new home on her hair.

Miranda Kerr's mess of a dress is like Lara Flynn Boyle's balleriNO look meets the White Swan meets Mimi's slutty bridal gown costume.

Ashley Olsen brings us the news that Brenda Walsh's prom dress moved to Switzerland and got a morning job as a milk maid.

Christina Hendricks... Christina Hendricks... Christina Hendricks... I'm just going to focus on the beautiful pair of sunrise chichis and then move right along before I get rust poisoning.

A slew of ICANTS go to Fuggie Fug, Freida Pinto, Kristen Stewart, Marc Jacobs, Robert Duffy and Serena Williams (who thinks she's at a HoJo's Royal Wedding party).

Lastly, I can't say one mean thing about Basement Baby's look. Beyonce accidentally left a bag of Cost Plus impulse buys in front of the basement door and Solange made a DRESS out of them. Not a dress, but a DRESS! No comment on the make-up which makes her look like a constipated lady bug.

On Today this morning, Kate Hudson was on to promote her new movie Something Borrowed From The Plot Lines Of All Her Other Stupid Ass Rom-Coms and she casually let the engagement news drop from her hitchin' finger. While Matt Lauer's eyes danced across Kate's knocked up chichis, he noticed that one of her erect nipples was oddly square-shaped and shining like a diamond. And then he realized it wasn't a nipple waiting to squirt leche, it was an engagement ring from her boyfriend Matt Bellamy of Muse! Kate slyly said she's been waiting for a ho to point it out. Uh huh.

"This is new! I'm engaged! Thank you! It just happened a week ago. I'm so glad you noticed. I haven't really announced it and I kind of felt like the announcing thing felt so silly. You know what I mean? I've just been waiting for somebody to notice."

Kate already said that being pregnant is not unlike being seven shades of stoned as fuck, so I wonder what she'll say being engaged is like? Is like the feeling you get (SO I'VE SEEN IN MOVIES) when you've snorted the last line of coke and you start to roll through a cloud of euphoria, but then a voice in the back of your head reminds you that in a short amount of time you'll be back on planet earth and the only thing you'll have to show for it is bad breath? But you'll be married to that bad breath and have to refrain from slapping it in the head when it sleep farts on your leg in the middle of the night. Is it like that? I'm sure Kate will let us know!

Kate Hudson is currently 7 months knocked up and she says the experience is not unlike the haze your head goes through after sucking on a gigantic joint. Kate sounds high as all Marley so she might be on to something. While talking to Extra about her latest rom- om mess, Kate says that there's a good chance her unborn baby is hot boxin' in her womb and the smoke is traveling up to her head.

“Being pregnant is wonderful. You do get the pregnant mush-brain… you know what it’s like? It’s like getting stoned.”

If Kate meant getting stoned with actual stones would that make more sense? No, she totally meant her brain has been muddled with a mortar made of weed smoke, because she also explained to Entertainment Tonight (via UsWeekly) why she thinks she's having a girl: "So here's the pendulum test. You take a piece of your hair, and you take a ring… and you string it through--this is very witchy of me! And then what you do, is you hold it over your stomach. And then [if it moves in a] circle, [it's] a girl, and a boy goes back and forth."

Yup, stoned and stupid.

But really, Kate's lips needs to assume the STFU position! 2011 is already overflowing with BABIES!! and we don't need anymore. Thanks to her, Snoop Dogg is going to try to become a professional surrogate and Cameron Diaz will beat OctoMom's record by next year. Me, I'll stick with my bong, because it doesn't always spray me with a stream of dirty liquid when I change its bowl.

Over at Popeater, they have a picture of a knocked up Kate Hudson sipping on what looks like red wine from a wine glass in the middle of a restaurant in Buenos Aires with her fiance Matt Bellamy and son Ryder. Of course, this has opened up a bottle of comments calling Kate a selfish drunk for turning her womb into a winery. You know, if you lumped all those comments into a mound and fermented them for a few days, you'd end up with a jar of 100 proof sweet nectar that would seep into the placenta. Then you'd have a delicious piece of booze meat to feast on after labor. Kate should think about this.

Popeater decided to get a medical opinion and asked an OB/GYN who doesn't treat Kate Hudson whether or not it's okay to drink a glass of wine while you're in a serious state of knocked up. The doctor, "Right now, no one really knows what amount of alcohol is harmful for the fetus, so it's recommended that you don't drink at all during pregnancy."

Jennifer Aniston can print that out and show it to everyone who asks her why her womb is closed off to fetuses. If I had a living thing kicking at my stomach walls and letting out a burp so big that my ass lips have to open up to let it out, I'd probably reach for a DRANK too. But since doctors do not approve of this, I'd redirect myself towards the bong instead (he didn't say anything about that!).

By the way, for those of you screaming that Kate is going to give birth to a drunk baby who will eat the world's supply of booze, this little bit of information might cool your shit. Kate was having dinner with BONO. Yup, the defense rests!

(Image via INFDaily.com)