Kate Hudson

Owen Wilson really needs a bag full of hugs and an ice cream cone with extra sprinkles on top, because it sounds like he hates himself. Why else would he date that wretched hag Kate Hudson again?! Hug a teddy bear, Owen. Don't hug a Hudson!

According to People's people, Kate and her kid spent their entire Sunday at Owen's house in Malibu. A source declared, "They're back together!" The suicide watch starts now.

Kate and Owen first dated in 2006. They have been on-and-off (mostly off) since.

You know, I shouldn't hate on their love, but Kate Hudson is just....UGH. She strikes me as one of those bitches who complains about everything! Bitch probably moans when Owen pees too loud or when he says "Hi" in the wrong tone. Bitches like that make you want to pull out your eyeballs and shove them in your ears, so you don't have to see or hear them any fucking more.

You know where that award would look best? You must be one of Sylvia Browne's relatives, because I know you know what I'm thinking. You have the gift. Katherine HAGel can shove that thing down her throat. It will fit perfectly. It wouldn't make sense for her to shove it up her culo since she goes caca through her mouth. I know, such hate. Blame HAGel. She does that to me.

Anyway, some moronic morons voted 27 Dresses their "Favorite Comedy Movie" at the People's Choice Awards. The idiots who voted that shit to win are also the people that think you can get knocked up from swallowing. I've had conversations with these kind of people. They really think the spermies can swim down to their baby making parts. I can't...

Okay, 27 Dresses was not bad, anything starring HAGel should not get an award. That only fuels her ego! She's probably on the Grey's Anatomy set this morning toting that shit around like it's an Oscar! I just want to cover her up in bird seeds and grass and feed her to Fishsticks Paltrow!

I usually watch the People's Choice Awards every year, because it's a better sedative than Sleepytime Tea, but my Tivo couldn't handle it last night. It was busy making love to Damages, 13: Fear is Real, The Real World: Brooklyn and blah...blah.. blah.. After reading bout the PCA, it looks like I didn't miss much.

The winners were pretty predictable. Brangelina were voted the greatest living things. Of course, they think they are too good for that shit, so they didn't grace the peons with their presence. Click here to see all the winners.

Below I've thrown a bunch of pictures into one big toilet below. You can pick each one out and dissect them or you can just flush. Your choice. Dakota Fanning honestly look the best, because the MAC Cosmetics counter didn't vomit all over her face.

I do like that Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson look like a gayelle couple from the 80s getting married in Palm Springs. But I think that happened on accident. Anne probably knew Kate Hudson was going to be all dramatic-like by wearing some gay ass dressed, so she decided to play down her own outfit to make Kate look like a real asshole. It worked. However, Anne also fucked herself over with that Valley of the Dolls hair. An Ann Welles 'do never goes with a lezzie groom ensemble. Never.

Kate Hudson could be wearing a dress made out of Mother's Circus Animal Cookies and I'd still want to throw a mouth-foaming raccoon at her. And that dress would look better on my sister's Barbie from 1983.

Here's these two twats at the premiere of Bride Wars in NYC yesterday. SPOILER ALERT! The movie ends with both whores realizing how stupid they acted. They apologize to one another, but start arguing because one of them won't let the other one say sorry first. Then they laugh about it, hug and decide they should have a joint dream wedding right then! When the priest announces "I now pronounce you husbands and wives," they kiss their dudes and begin walking down the aisle. Kate won't let Anne walk down the aisle first, they side-eye each other and cut to black! HA! Those crazy girls. By the way, I totally made that up, but you know that's how it ends.

P.S. - Is it only me or is anyone ever bothered by rose petals strewn about like in the pictures below? I know it's supposed to be romantic and all, but where there's lone rose petals, there's a naked rose somewhere. And that's sad.

This is one of the first pitchers of Rob Marshall's Nine starring Daniel Day-Lewis and a bunch of broads. The picture needs a little visit from Photoshop, because it's looking like a pageant photo from Miss Drag Queen World 2008. In case you have no idea who some of those bitches are, they are from left to right:

Judi Dench (in the Suri wig), Penny Cruz, Marion Cotillard, Sophia Loren, Fuggie Fug, Nicky Kidman, Kate Hudson and some random trick in the back trying to sneak into the picture.

Of course, Nicky has to have the spotlight on her wax figure-looking ass. It's probably not even a spotlight. It's the toxic glow you get from too much Botox.

The people in front of Fuggie must be wearing raincoats and carrying umbrellas. Fuggie's got her legs open for business and she's a known squirter.

Wait...I think that's Daniel Day-Lewis' head down below in front of Fuggie's geyser hole.... I really, really hope he was wearing a gas mask.

No, not the box of cornstarch named Kate Hudson. The hot airport bitch in the Bonnebell lipstick. This lady is no joke. Yesterday, while escorting Kate through LAX, she completely freaked out and cursed at all the pappies in her way.

This is the way all airport employees should act. Give this woman Employee of the Motherfucking Year! This video should be used during orientation to teach employees the correct way to behave in a tense situation. I mean, that's how I act in crowds and it usually works for me.

And why are the pappies losing their shit over Kate Hudson? Um.... They should have gone and taken a picture of Katherine Heigl, Drew Barrymore or Reese Witherspoon and tagged it Kate Hudson. It would've been the same ass thing, because all those broads are the same.

Clip of the chaos is below and you might want to turn down the volume unless you're craving a ringing in your ears.

Kate Hudson was in a full elevator, on her way to the roof top party for Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe's new reality show, when she started freaking out like her vagina was on fire. A source told Page Six: "In the elevator she kept screeching, 'I'm freaking out! It's too much!' while waving her arms around."

Maybe her vagina was on fire? It's possible. She did sleep with Dax Shepard once. Or maybe she suddenly realized that she might have to look at Chupa up-close. That would make even the calmest whore go into panic attacks.

I'm seriously pissed at the people in that elevator. They lost their chance to really send Kate over the edge. If Kate Hudson started losing her caca in an elevator with me, I would calmly look at her with cunty eyes while pushing the emergency button. After the elevator came to a screeching halt, I'd sit back and relax while Kate climbed the walls like a trapped rat in heat.

When Kate finally got out of the elevator, she refused to do any press, saying, "I don't do that." Her spokesbitch denies the whole story. They said: "This is all ridiculous and completely untrue. Kate did go to Rachel's party to celebrate her new show, had a great time and left with the group of girlfriends she came with."

Now I know that spokesbitch's statement is a lie. Kate leaving a party with a group of GIRLfriends? It it doesn't have a working peen, Kate isn't leaving with it.

Image: Getty

I really should have titled this is "Kate Hudson's Vagina Needs To Take A Breather." Seriously, it's working overtime!

Kate has basically effed her way through most of Hollywood and NYC, so it's no surprise that she's going in for seconds. A source told Star Magazine that Kate has been burning up Owen Wilson's cell phone. Bitch wants a boot-ay call.

The source said, "He was frosty at first. He felt betrayed when she dumped him for his friend Lance. But after a while, he caved in and has been sweet to her." Owen's friends are afraid that he's going to fall for her again! Vaginamatized! "It's not fair to Owen, because he really cares for her and ends up getting hurt," said the source.

Honestly, I'm more worried for Kate Hudson's vagina than I am for Owen's soul. Her vagina seriously needs to tour the vineyards of Napa, take a yoga class, read poetry or anything else that will calm it down. It's been working it to the pelvic bone.

I'm afraid that the next headline I read about Kate Hudson will be: "Kate Hudson's Vagina Checks Into Cedars-Sinai for Exhaustion."

Did Kate Hudson even pose for this cover of W Magazine? It's like they just took any old photo of the slut's boring ass and then Photoshopped some paint on her face. This is some ThunderCats shit, and not in a hot way. Her ThunderCats name is either Lion-HO, Cheetawhora or Puma-tang.

And the $1,000 face cream needs to jump off a bridge. Everyone knows the best face cream is free and natural: Jizz! Kate should know that!

Kate Hudson and Lance Amrstrong broke up like 10 seconds ago and she's already got herself a new bag. Well, an old new bag. Some nosy bitch told OK! that they witnessed Kate and her ex-husband, Chris Robinson, kissing on the street in front of her apartment in NYC.

The nosy bitch said, "They were really affectionate with each other and gave each other a kiss which lasted much longer then a platonic kiss should last — 20 seconds, maybe a little longer. Without going into all the details the kiss was more than just friends. They seemed like something more going on and were very affectionate with each other."

Without going into details? Did they also finger bang each other or something? Whoever this "witness" is, needs to get laid now. Who stands there, stares, and times a kiss? Well, I do that, but I have my reasons.

Kate is just making a pit-stop on Chris before moving on to her next dude. Her vagina is probably feeling weepy and alone, so it needs someone familiar to console it. That's what exes are for.

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have broken up. Don't worry, they'll both have new sluts by the end of the day. They don't like their genitals to get cold.

They started dating back in May and Kate even introduced Lane to her son. A source told UsWeekly, "There was no drama or ugliness – They just decided to end things. There is no hatred, just sadness." No ugliness?! I see a lot of ooooogliness in that picture above.

It's pretty shocking that they lasted thing long. After three months, her vagina stopped accepting his peen and hit nut started to get weepy from having to look at the same poon every day. Basically, their slut alarm let them know that it was time to move on.

Both of them will have to move to another country, because they have already fucked their way through most of this one.