If I listed all the illegal and dumb stuff that Teen Mom Jenelle has done in the past couple of years, this post would be 8,000 words long and by the end of it, we'd all want to become pro-sterilization activists. Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.
Jenelle Evans of Teen Mom 2 was back in front of the mug shot camera today in North Carolina after police busted her for possession of her drug of choice, heroin, and for beating her husband, Courtland Rogers, with a piece of furniture. Courtland was also arrested for punching Jenelle in the head and for being in possession of heroin. TMZ says that when the police showed up to Jenelle's house after getting a call about a domestic disturbance, they found 12 bags of heroin, a glass pipe, plastic wrapping papers and illegal Percocet.
Since Jenelle and Courtland both denied that the heroin was theirs, they were both charged with possession with intent to sell. While the cops were there, they served Jenelle with a warrant for not paying child support. Jenelle's mom currently has custody of her kid.
One of Jenelle's friends tells Radar that she was set up by her husband and all of the heroin belonged to him. This friend might be speaking the truth, because Jenelle tweeted this 8 hours ago and she'd never tell a lie!
I'm doing great. Eating healthy. My weight is back to normal. I take Multivitamins daily and melatonin at night and I'm SOBER!
Bitch has a funny way of spelling "heroin" and "Percocet."
Well, the way that I see is if Jenelle ever stops being a bona fide wreck and gets sober, she can say that the whole "Ke$hit is the air I breathe" speech that she shat out of her mouth was the result of her being all the way high on heroin. We'd all just nod our heads, because that would make so much sense.
Here's thrilling footage of Reese "Do You Know My Name?" Witherspoon (prison bitch name: Laura Jeanne Poon) arriving at the police station in cuffs before the officer uncuffs her and leads her inside to get her mug shot taken. I wish there was sound with this video, because I really want to hear her say to the cop, "Really? R-E-E-S-E-W-I-T-H-E-R-S-P-O-O-N? Never heard that name? Legally Blonde? No? Nobody saw that This Means War mess, but maybe Walk The Line? NO? Are you Amish?!"
The footage is so damn blurry that it could be Russell Brand with a padded bra on for all we know, but ho doesn't look that drunk to me. I guess nothing zaps the booze from your system like getting put into handcuffs (and not in a sexy way).
In other Laura Jeanne Poon news, she was supposed to do the talk show rounds this week to promote Mud, but she canceled everything. And Jim Toth is supposedly thinking of checking into rehab since that's what the husbands of DoYouKnowMyNamers do when they get a DUI. And finally, Chelsea Handler told Entertainment Tonight at the E! Upfronts in NYC last night that Reese's arrest isn't that big of a deal:
"She's doing fine. She's doing fine, you know? She was just trying to protect her husband, so...I mean everybody makes mistakes, so it's not a big deal."
Not a big deal?! If this is a big deal for anyone it's Chelsea Handler. Chelsea hung out with Reese a couple of days after she was arrested, so you know Chelsea hugged her, patted her on the back and sang "For she's a jolly good drunk bitch!" to her. Then Chelsea bought everyone in the room shots to celebrate Reese's first arrest for being a drunken mess. So when Chelsea said that "it's not a big deal," she really meant that it was a very proud moment for her.
Here's the human vodka bottle at the E! Upfronts. If you need a quick mid-day buzz, just rub a little olive juice and on your screen and then lick it up. It's like drinking a martini! Yes, you'll probably spit up pieces of burnt leather, but at least you'll get some kind of buzz from it.
Katt Williams, aka the lesser Flava Flav, is back in the news and no, not for his stand-up comedy act. He was arrested yesterday morning for endangering his CHIRRUNS by decorating their home with guns and illegal drugs for the holiday season instead of boring ass wreaths and candy canes. How festive, why didn't I think of that? TMZ says the LAPD picked Katt up
out of the litter box at his home in Woodland hills, threw him in a cold cell, and put his four kids in protective custody. They also say that "several items were seized from his home". On an unrelated note, the LAPD is throwing a rave tonight, don't miss it!
HUH. WHO. COULD. HAVE. GUESSED that this guy was doing illegal drugs?? I thought he just had a thing for flexing his Napoleon complex by slapping every ho (example 1, 2 and 3) who wouldn't slap back for absolutely no reason. You learn something new! Sweet, now I can take "Gacked Out Unstable Midgets With Anger Management Issues" for $100.00, Alex.
He's being held on $100,000.00 bond for (possible felony) child endangerment and since the IRS has also taped a lien on his forehead (his ass is too low to reach) for $4 million, I'm guessing he might be having a little trouble coming up with the cash. Little angry man, please. Just smoke some weed with Snoop, which is not a felony in Cali btw, stay away from the hard shit, take yourself down another notch (to the basement), CALM THE FUCK DOWN and take care of your kids. Your short stack ass is actually funny, don't waste your talent on stupid shit.
Too bad Cops has been cancelled. I really would have loved to see him jumping up to bitch slap at an officer's crotch.
Spreading the fuckery finally caught up with Katt Williams again. Two Sundays ago, Katt used a Rascal scooter and a three-wheeled motorcycle to terrorize Target and the streets of Sacramento. Katt might have gotten away with slapping down a Target employee, but he didn't get away with attacking a ho with a cue stick in Seattle yesterday. Will somebody please put this ragey troll toddler in a high-chair and stick a pacifier in his mouth after dipping it in lude dust and hash. Bitch needs to calm himself.
Katt was in Seattle for a show on Thursday and a show on Friday. Katt was a no-show on Thursday, and Friday's show ended with an appearance by the cops. Three of his (former) fans claimed he attacked their asses when they tried to get a picture with him. Katt claimed the fans broke into his dressing room. Nobody was arrested. But then on Sunday afternoon, Katt went wild at the World Sports Grille in Seattle.
E! News says that Katt got into a verbal fight with several people and when he was told to leave, he waved a pool cue at the bar manager. Katt then followed a family outside and as they got into their car, he launched a cigarette through a car window. The lit cigarette hit a woman right below her eye. Katt also threw a rock at the car. The police showed up, Katt resisted arrest and they eventually got him into handcuffs and dragged him to jail. Katt was booked for investigation of assault, harassment and obstructing police officers. Suge Knight, who is Katt's tour manager, bailed him out this morning.
Katt and Lindsay Lohan are seriously trying to beat each other's record. There's only one way to handle this. Tie a bag of the bad shit around Katt's neck, tie a bag of the bag shit around LiLo's neck and lock them in an empty room together. Close your eyes, cover your ears and wait until they snort each other up. Yeah, right. They'd probably bond over their mutual love of slapping and snorting, and become a two-headed Cracken monster that will destroy the world.
UPDATE: That's not a picture of the woman who got smacked down by LiLo. That's the woman's friend who either smeared bronzer on her cheek to make it look like a bruise or is just extremely heavy with the rouge.
White Oprah better make room on her wall of family achievements, because here comes another mug shot of beauty from her daughter!
Because it's been much too long since Lindsay Lohan has been in handcuffs and she missed posing for the mug shot camera, bitch got arrested in NYC early this morning for punching a woman in the face at a club. If it's morning time for you, then you can skip your morning cup of liquid caffeine by going to TMZ to get your buzz from watching the video of her perp walk. If it's afternoon or night times for you, you can still get higher from listening to her scream out to the cops, "Oh my God! Are you kidding me?" Oh, LiLo, that's what we all said on Sunday night are Liz & Dick.
The latest chapter in LiLo's never-ending Party Heat episode of a life started when she and the woman above got into some kind of argument at Avenue in NYC. The woman was sitting in the booth next to Lindsay's and nobody knows what they were fighting about, but at one point Blohan said, "Give me some space!" TMZ's source says that the two stopped fighting, but a little while later LiLo punched the woman in the face for whatever reason. Somewhere up in heaven, Elizabeth Taylor is screaming at God, "Youdammit! I told you to use your powers to make that lady punch LiLo in the face for fucking me over. Not the other way around!"
The cops were called, but by the time they showed up, LiLo was already making her getaway in a car. The cops eventually found the car LiLo was in and arrested her ass. She was booked for third degree misdemeanor assault and released a few hours later.
In LiLo's defense (and bitch is totally going to use this in court as her defense), she was at Justin Bieber's concert earlier in the night and listening to that baby yodel will make anyone want to randomly punch a trick.
These Terminator bitches are a mess. If one of them (Arnold Schwarzenegger) isn't making every housekeeper in the Beverly Hills area cleanse her vagine with Windex (Windex really does work on everything) after letting him stick his gross Austrian schnitzel stick in there, then another one of them (Nick Stahl) is making his estranged wife put his face on a milk carton after going on another drug binge in Skid Row. And if one of them isn't going missing all the time, then another one of them (Edward Furlong) is getting into fights with his piece at LAX.
Edward Furlong was arrested at LAX early this morning for allegedly getting violent with his girlfriend. The police showed up to Terminal 2 at LAX at around 1 this morning after security called them, because Edward and his girlfriend were getting messy. Edward allegedly grabbed his girlfriend's arm so hard that he left marks. Marks on an arm equals JAIL, bitch, so they dragged Pecker off to a cell and set his bail at $50,000. Edward's latest arrest will join his public intoxication charge from 2007 and his restraining order violation charge from 2011 on his police record.
Causing a scene at the airport is the definition of a dumb bitch move. Don't get crazy in an airport, because they're just looking for a reason to tase you, tackle you to the ground and drag you off to that locked room near the TSA checkpoint. Edward Furlong is a dim dumb douchebag. If Edward and his girlfriend were on Couples Therapy, that Couples Therapy lady would tell them that they should obviously break up, because the girlfriend deserves a man who won't treat her like trash in the middle of an airport and Edward deserves a girlfriend who won't accidentally shit and piss out the white balloons he made her shove up into her body during their quick trip to Peru. Really, Edward should look up the name "Dina Lohan" on Match.com
via The L.A. Times
TMZ says that Flavor Flav was arrested in Las Vegas early this morning and it wasn't for assaulting retinas by looking like a Sméagol crackhead. Flavor Flav was put into handcuffs for whooping on his fiancee before pulling a knife on her teenage son. Suddenly, Gitte Nielsen doesn't feel bad about doing the Given Up On Life Waltz by rolling around in the grass with a bottle of Popov vodka in her hand.
When the cops showed up to Foofy Foofy's house, his fiancee told them that they all got into a fight which ended with New York's former fuck partner beating her ass and threatening to cut up her son with a knife. Foofy was arrested and charged with misdemeanor domestic violence and felony assault with a deadly weapon. Foofy was held on $23,000 bail and he later bailed out, but was immediately transported to the local Hazmat facility where they flea dipped him in a quarantine tent.
You know, I don't remember "get your ass beat" as being one of the prizes for winning Flavor of Love.
And now I need to pull out my eyeballs with pliers and soak them in some Lubriderm, because that dreadful ass mug shot has dried me out. It looks like he's been rimming a pile of ashes. Bitch should be kept in jail for that alone.
Nick Hogan's dumbassery behind the wheel left a man with permanent brain damage, so you'd think that Linda Hogan would know that speeding after taking antibiotics with a champagne chaser isn't a good idea. But well, extreme exposure to UV rays from a tanning bed caused Linda's brain to melt and drip out of her ears, so she sucks at making good decisions. TMZ says that Linda was pulled over in Malibu yesterday for speeding and after she blew an 0.084 (0.08 is the legal limit in CA), she was arrested. This is Linda's mug shot of glamour and those matchstick brows are as tragic as that halter top from Rainbow.
53-year-old Linda sat in a cell for a few hours before she was released on $5,000 bail. Linda's rep (yeah, she has one of those) says that she only had one glass of champagne, but since she's on antibiotics and didn't eat anything, it made her hazier than usual if you can imagine that.
Linda's rep should've just kept it simple and said, "Stupid scrag is a Hogan. What do you expect?"
This week, the Hogans really are reminding us that the Lohans are amateurs, because they're America's first family of trash, always and forever. First, Hulk Hogan made my b-hole poot out a question mark by waving his Hickory Farms dick around in a sex tape. Then Linda Hogan's dumb ass goes and does this. What's next? Brooke Hogan is going to put out another album? Oh shit. I shouldn't have said thing. I think I've awoken the beast of Castle Grayskull.
Musicians carrying any form of the good shit on their tour bus need to be like Louise from Thelma & Louise and not drive through Texas, because doing so could completely mess up their high. Fiona Apple obviously didn't learn from Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson, because last night she was busted in Sierra Blanco, the same TX town where Snoop and Willie were busted in, for having hash on her bus. Fiona's tour bus was stopped during an inspection checkpoint and when the sweet scent of a Bob Marley fart filled the cops' nostrils, they checked the bus and the party was over.
TMZ says that Fiona only had a little bit of hash, but they still put her in handcuffs, dragged her to jail and made her pose in front of the mug shot camera while she made the same face I'd make if someone just snatched my stash. For some reason, Fiona is still sitting in a cell right now.
Never mind that when Fiona was being put into a cuffs, drug dealers driving a van stuffed with 50 kilos of coke probably drove by, what in "Wednesday Addams working at a Footlocker" hell is she wearing? The cops aren't right for ruining Fiona's buzz and they really aren't right for letting homegirl get her picture taken looking like that.
Okay, this is some Charlie Sheen shit, but without the mountains of coke (I think) and the traumatized porn star locked in the bathroom (I think, again). It really is hard going through life knowing that you'll always be known as the less hot Carrot Top and Olympic gold medal-winning snowboarder Shaun White obviously let that get to him, because he lost his mind at the bottom of a booze bottle before trashing his hotel room in Nashville. Shaun White not only looks like he's been training his whole life to be a Rock of Ages extra, but he acts like it too. Before you make one of those "Watch out, we've got a badass over here" jokes, you haven't seen Shaun tussle with a floor lamp. Yes, the floor lamp probably won that fight, but I'm sure Shaun got in at least one slap to the shade.
TMZ says that after the secret toilet baby of Ann Romano and Schneider from One Day at a Time drunkenly messed up his hotel room, he pulled a few fire alarms (because why not). When Shaun tried to leave the hotel, a dude from the hotel caught him outside and tried to stop him. Shaun kicked the dude and ran away, but because the boomerang known as karma sometimes works real fast, he knocked his head into a fence and got a black eye. Bitch got taken down by a fence! The cops showed up and put Shaun in handcuffs for vandalism and public intoxication.
Two words: GINGER BUFFOONERY!
If the government really does have hidden cameras on every corner, can they please unite this nation in laughs by releasing the footage of Shaun getting whooped by a fence? Next to seeing a fat biker dude with neck tattoos openly reading Fifty Shades Freed (which tells me he read the first two books and LOVED them) on the subway, seeing Shaun knocking his head into a fence will be the greatest thing I've seen this month. That fence should get a gold medal in douche handling.