Arrests

Remember when Shayna Lameass called The Empress of Lucite "pure trash"? Just pretend you do and nod your head yes. Well, look who is the piece of trash now! Garbage day is now on Sunday, because this bitch Shayna Lamas got arrested for DUI.

TMZ, Radar, Penny Saver or Craigslist Missed Connections didn't break the story. No, they didn't want to spend their Saturday night Googling to find out who the hell Shayne Lamas is. Instead Shayne told E! (the network her reality show airs on) about the incident and issued her own prepared statement:

"Early Saturday morning, after consuming one drink, I willingly drove through a mandatory check point on my way home with complete confidence of passing. However, the breathalyzer indicated that I was over the legal limit of blood alcohol content and was arrested onsite. I take full responsibility for my lack of judgment. I have always strived to be a role model for my friends, family and fans and have never nor will ever condone drinking and driving. I apologize for all those I have disappointed, including myself."

I just went in to the next room to ask my ceiling fan if he knew who this trick was and the bitch gave me the silent treatment. So I will take that as a big NO. Obviously, Shayne is still drunk off of that one famewhore-tini, because she's talking foolishness with that "role model for my fans" shit.

At LAX last night, Mike Tyson and a pap were both arrested after getting into a fight where fists flew and blood was shed. If Mike is involved, you know a bitch is going to end up in the ER. Mike does it like that.

The L.A. Times reports that some witnesses claim the pap started the fight by getting all up in Mike's life at the airport. Mike was with his daughter at the time and the pap reportedly followed him everywhere he went including the bathroom. Mike told police that the pap threw the first punch, because he was trying to provoke him. The pap's story is that Mike busted him in the face first and then tried to take the film out of his camera. Both Mike and the pap wanted to press charges against each other so they were both arrested.

Mike was taken down to the station and booked on suspicion of battery. He was released a short time later on his own recognizance. The pap was taken away in an ambulance to the nearest hospital.

We're taught that if we see a bear with her young out in the wild, we stand still and keep our eyes down low like we're being scolded by our abuelita. This is also what you do when you come across Mike Tyson. If you even breathe the wrong way around Mike, your eyeball will end up on the floor and your cheek bones will become one with each other. The pap obviously doesn't have any love for his ears, because Mike is not the one.

I know we're in a recession, but DAMN! The Associated Press is reporting that comedian Katt Williams was arrested for breaking into a home in Newnan, GA last night. The homeowner called 911 after they caught Katt snatching a bunch of items from their home. Don't laugh, Nicolas Cage, because this could be you next year!

Katt is still marinating in a jail cell today. He will face a judge later this afternoon.

The police believe that Katt is in Georgia shooting a movie. Katt currently has the #8 comedy DVD in the country

This isn't Katt's first time behind bars. Katt was jailed last year after the police pulled him over for speeding and found three guns in his car. Katt was also put on probation in 2006 after he pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor count of carrying a concealed firearm.

Can you imagine walking into your living room and catching Katt Williams trying to snatch your shit? I wouldn't know whether to hand him my stash out of pity or give him an applause.

Katt's rep would only say that his client has been suffering from "exhaustion." The rep should work on getting Katt a lunch date with Winona Ryder, because those two need to have a conversation!

And I love that Katt is smiling like a first-grader on school picture day in his mug shot above.

And no, she wasn't put in handcuffs because she's associated with the Lord of the Fleshbeards Spencer Pratt. And she also wasn't arrested, because the police thought The Joker got a sex change in order to evade them. No, Stephanie Pratt of The Hills' was arrested for getting behind the wheel of a car while suffering from a serious case of the DRUNKS. File this under: "So this is how we're trying to stay relevant."

TMZ says that She-Pratt was taken into custody at 3:45 this morning in Hollywood on suspicion of driving under the influence. She is currently sitting in a jail cell on $5,000 bail.

She-Pratt's latest arrest is just another credit on her already glittery record. Back in 2006, she was busted for trying to steal a bunch of fancy stuff from a Neiman Marcus in Honolulu.

To be fair, if I was related to Twit & Twat, I'd be permanently hooked up to an IV bag filled with various kinds of the bad shit and every brand of booze. However, Stephanie didn't need to drive. Stephanie should've puffed up those balloon lips just a little bit more, and they would've carried her home safely.

(Image: WENN.com/FayesVision)

Dr. Drew, come and get this woman AGAIN! Tawny Kitaen, a graduate of Celebrity Rehab and one of the original videos ho, was arrested in Santa Ana, CA yesterday for driving under the influence.

Sgt. Shontel Sherwood (hottest officer name of the week) of the Newport Beach Police Department told the Associated Press that she was arrested at 3 in the afternoon after officers believed she was fucked up on booze or the bad shit while driving her Range Rover. Tawny was later released on $2,500 bail.

This wasn't Tawny's first time in a jail cell. Tawny was arrested back in 2006 after the po po found 15 grams of Lohan powder in her apartment.

Okay, I know the bad shit messes with your brains, but why would you get behind the wheel of a car when you're riding high? That is the quickest way to getting caught. Flag down a bus! Hitch on to the back of a truck! Ride a pot-bellied pig! TAKE A KAYAK!

Directed Roman Polanski arrived in Switzerland all ready to accept his lifetime achievement award at the Zurich Film Festival while sipping on a delicious piping hot cup of Swiss Miss (Yes, that's there official drink there). None of that shit is going to happen since bitch got arrested. And they don't serve Swiss Miss to inmates.

Swiss authorities arrested Roman at the request of the U.S. based on a warrant issued all the waaaay back in the olden times (aka 1978). Roman started running after he pleaded guilty to drugging a 13-year-old girl and having sex with her during a photo shoot at Jack Nicholson's house in 1977. Before he could be sentenced, Roman busted out of the US and has been living in France for the past ten million years.

This past July, Roman asked a California court to consider his request to throw the case out. The judge said he wouldn't even consider it if Roman didn't come to the U.S.

The victim, Samantha Geimer, has previously asked that all the charges be dropped, because everyone knowing about the details of that day causes harm to her, her husband and her children.

Roman is now being held by Swiss authorities and they are waiting on an official extradition request from the U.S.

I can't wait to see the very special episode of Dateline NBC: To Catch a Predator where they nab Roman in Switzerland. Chris Hansen probably looks so adorable in lederhosen!

Shawne Merriman, the linebacker for the San Diego Chargers, was arrested early this morning after he allegedly choked and restrained Tila Tequila at his home in Poway, CA. If Shawne wanted a shot at love with Tila, this was not the way to do it.

Fox Sports says that 911 received a call from a woman claiming Shawne had choked her out and wouldn't let her leave his home on Sagecrest Drive. A police officer said, "Nguyen (That's Tila Tequila to you and me) told deputies she had been choked and physically restrained by Merriman when she attempted to leave his residence."

Shawne is currently in police custody and Tila is being treated at a nearby hospital.

Shit just got real. Tila is like the size of my nipple and Shawne looks like a giant, so he could probably choke her with his pinky. Scary shit.

Okay, okay, the fact is Tila is 4'11" and Shawne is 6'4". And just so we're clear, my nipple isn't 4'11" tall. It's probably like 4' tall at the most!

UPDATE: Tila is out of the hospital, so says TMZ. Shawne's lawyer is saying that Tila was drunk like a Wino, so he was trying to keep her from leaving his house and getting into her car.

British mother of the year (sorry, Katie Price), expert snorter, cocaine tape star and overall busted down mess, Kerry Katona, was arrested last night in Warrington after she punched her money man and threw a perfectly good cup of tea on him. I bet if there was a little codeine powder or whiskey in that cup of tea she wouldn't have been so wasteful!

The story goes that Kerry went to visit with her accountant at his office and while they were going through her accounts, she flipped the fuck out like me when my cable freezes during a very important episode of Property Virgins (true story). Kerry's accountant must have told her that all the money has somehow ended up her nose hole (or his pockets), because bitch went ballistic. The Sun says she started throwing office equipment around before she turned on her accountant. A source went on to say, "David started yelling back so she grabbed a cup of tea and threw it in his face - and punched him in the chops again for good measure."

After Kerry busted and bruised a bitch, she jumped into her car and sped out of there. A few hours later came a knocking at her door. Knock! Knock! You're arrested. Kerry was taken down to the station, quizzed (I'm speaking British!) and released. Kerry has to go back to the police station in the near future for another Q&A session.

This is just another shit nugget on Kerry's head. And yes, the shit nuggets keep coming from her own ass. Kerry is basically bankrupt. She already lost her job as spokeswhore for the supermarket chain Iceland after that video of her Lohan-ing a line of coke surfaced. Kerry's reality show on MTV was also canceled after ratings went into the toilet.

Kerry's accountant isn't a total victim. Dude went to the chokey in 2004 for fraud after investigators found £3.5 million of his clients money in his personal account.

Well, Kerry, you're broke like a Real Housewife, you've got the fever for the bad shit and you're a total shit mom..... There's only one thing to do: pack up, move to the US and get your own Vh1 reality show! Or TLC. Your pick!

Patrick Stump, the lead singer of Fall Out Boy, was busted in Beverly Hills last night, because he makes music that makes you want to angrily pluck your pubic hairs out with a pair of hot tweezers. Disturbing the peace! No, he was arrested for driving without a license.

TMZ says that Patrick paid up the $15,000 bail and was released back in the world.

The only reason I'm posting this shit is because I don't think I've ever seen Patrick without a hat on. I figured that shit was permanently stitched into his skull skin. And Patrick should be proud of himself this morning. His mug shot is a shoo-in for Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians and that's an achievement!

52-year-old Luann McKinnley was just trying to bring home the bacon when she stuffed 3 pounds of oinky deliciousness into her purse. Luann, who is (or was) an employee at Perkins restaurant in Florida, was busted after some nosy ass HATING co-worker witnessed her stealing the bacon and called the police. The police arrived and brought the bacon smuggler in.

While searching her purse at the station, officers not only found the bacon, but they also found some kind of illegal drug and contraband. Luann was charged with snatching the bacon and possession of the bad shit. She is currently marinating in a cell on $5,500 bond.

This article didn't say what kind of bad shit Luann was caught with, but just take a quick look at her face and you decide. Luanne's face is sponsored by THIS SITE. But you know, I can't really fully hate on Luann. Homegirl knows what makes up a delicious and nutritious breakfast: bacon and scrambled meth.