Arrests

Charles Barkley and Doug from Trading Spaces did it all wrong. You're supposed to get arrested for DUI after midnight tonight and not earlier! Way to celebrate New Year's a little too soon. Idiots!

So, these two pair of shit brains were both busted for driving while having booze in the blood. Charles was caught early this morning in Arizona. TMZ says he was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving while going through a DUI checkpoint. The po po tested his blood at the checkpoint, busted his ass and then transported him to the jail house. He was released a little while later and nobody came to pick him up, because he took a taxi home. He probably went to the nearest bar.... Well, if you got arrested, wouldn't you need a drink afterwards? I would think so.

Then there's Doug Wilson from Trading Spaces. He was always my least favorite designer. The prick. Let's face it, his art is fugly. Hildy wouldn't pull this shit! Doug was popped early yesterday morning in Decatur, Illinois after he didn't slow down to a police car with its siren on. The cop pulled him over and killed the party. Doug must have also brought the party with him, because in addition to being arrested for aggravated DUI, he was also busted for illegal transportation of alcohol and driving on a suspended license. He was later released on $1,000 bond.

I'm a little surprised that Doug was busted for driving drunk and not sucking dick drunk in a public place. I bet Doug and Vern always licked each other's ass lips in the Trading Spaces wood shop van while Ty jacked to them.

You know, since I've been in California these past few days, I realized the main reason I live in NYC: CABS! CABS! CABS! You cannot booze to your heart's content here unless you rely on some other bitch driving you home. It's sad when you have to deny the alcohol at bars, because you know you don't want to be driving drunk. Saying no to the booze really hurts me where it counts. In NYC, you just have to worry about telling the cabbies where you live while you're wasted. That's why you should always carry your address around with you to give to cab drivers. Oh and you also have to worry about barfing in the back of their car. I've done that a couple of times and for some strange reason, they don't like it. Go figure.

Anydrunks, Happy New Year to Charles and Doug! Hopefully, they will spend their night getting tanked in the privacy of their own bathroom. And all of you should stay away from DUI checkpoints tonight. I hate those things! I get scared passing through them when I'm sober! I see a DUI checkpoint and I suddenly feel drunk and guilty even when I'm not. It's like church all over again. It sucks.

UPDATE: Before you start to read this shit, a rep for Blue Man Group told TMZ that the dude in this story is lying and he's not a member of their group of blue men who throw toilet paper rolls at audience members. The police in Chicago said that dumb dumbs lie on their arrest reports all the time and they haven't done a background check on the possibly faux Blue Man yet. Maybe he meant Blew Man? That would make more sense. It's still fucking hilarious because who pretends to be a Blue Man? The dude's real name is probably Tobias Funke. And now here's the original story:

File this under: This shit was made for puns. PUNS!!!

Two dudes were busted by the cops in Chicago last night for trying to bust nuts in a public park. One of the men is an actor in Blue Man Group. His name is Darren Stephens. Samantha, come get this bitch! Endora does not approve.

The other dude's name is Michael Pressler and he's an assistant principal at Maine East High School. Wiki says the high school's color is blue and their mascot is the Blue Demon. Don't you love it when these things write themselves?

According to the Daily Herald, the Blow Blue Man was caught blowing the assistant principal on a park bench at a lakefront park on Chicago's North Side at around 5:45pm. They were arrested and charged with getting sexay while on Chicago Park property.

Get ready to hit the gong..... Obviously, both dudes were left with a serious case of "blue" balls. GONG!

Seriously, who the fuck sucks dick at 5:45pm on a park bench? Don't look at me! Don't! If you need to get dirty at 5:45 in the evening, take your act to a bush, a public bathroom or even a sewer tunnel (don't judge). Bench sucking is only for after midnight. Dumb blue motherfucker!

And it's a shame that Darren Stephens wasn't arrested in his Blue Man makeup. That mug shot would rival all fucking mug shots.

Cisco Adler was arrested in Fargo, North Dakota early this morning after he beat down a bar employee after fighting with some other dude. Heck yah! You betcha! Getting arrested in Fargo must be awesome for the accents alone. I wish I had a Fargo accent.

InForum says that following his performance at The Hub, Cisco got into a fight with a dude and while he was being kicked out of the club by security, he punched one of the employees in the nose.

Before the police showed up and arrested him, the employee who got punched out performed a citizen's arrest on Cisco. CITIZEN'S ARREST! I love a good citizen's arrest. That shit is the best. Although, I would be afraid to get on Cisco's bad side, because he can slap the skin off your face with his saggy nuts. Shit he could double bitch slap you with those things.

Cisco was taken down to the county jail and booked for simple assault. He was released a little while later on $500 bail.

And if you've never seen Cisco's slinky dink nuts, (NSFW) click here and feast your eyes. He could fuck you from the back and tea bag your face at the same time!

(Thanks Jeannie)

This past weekend, two reality show dick bags found themselves in handcuffs after acting the fool at two different bars. First up we have Ace from "Survivor Gabon."

Ace Gordon was voted off to jail on early Sunday morning for getting into a drunken fight at a bar which ended in him hitting a woman and fighting with the cops. So he's a dick off-screen as well as on!

It all started at a bar in Naples, FL where Ace was thrown out of for being a grouchy drunk and getting violent with a chick. The cops were called to take him off to the slammer. Ace resisted arrest and told them he was "famous." Yeah, because that always works. Ace was released later in the day.

I want to slap myself in the nuts for having a crush on Ace. I know, I know. While everyone was off slobbering over Marcus' floppy peen, I was secretly getting tingly in the private area over Ace and his giant dwarf-looking head. I always get the sexy feeling for the dick bags who can't hold their liquor!

Now on to Mary Delgado! On the sixth season of "The Bachelor," Byron picked Mary and the two went off to live in dysfunctional hell. Mary is sort of known for boozing and brawling. She was already busted a while ago for punching Byron in the face. Well, TMZ says she was back behind bars on Saturday for getting tanked and acting like a bitch at Lorina's Cantina in Del Rio, Texas.

The bar called the police because Mary would not leave. She told them it was her "constitutional right" to be there. I love that shit!!!! That's the fucking best excuse ever. I learn all the good shit from reality stars. The next time a bartender complains that I'm too drunk, I'm going to say, "I've never been drunk in my life. I'm a businesswoman. Furthermore, it is my constitutional right to be there."

You have to fight for your constitutional right to paaaaaaartay!

When the cops arrived, Mary became even more annoying. She was thrown into a cop car, which didn't have a backseat cage, and started kicking at the radio. Maybe she didn't like the song that was playing?

Mary was later bailed out of the clink by her battered boyfriend Byron.

You know, Mary needs to leave Byron and become the next "Bachelorette." This kind of drunk ass behavior needs to be documented on a reality TV show. Shame on Mary for doing this shit without cameras rolling!

This is my second Kanye West post of the day and it's not even noon times here. IT'S KANYE WEST FRIDAY!!! TYPE IN ALL CAPS ALL DAY AND RUN AROUND YOUR OFFICE SCREAMING THAT YOU'RE THE VOICE OF YOUR GENERATION!!!!1!!!! SQUID BRAINS!

So, yeah, the most humble human being on this planet was busted by the cops at his hotel in Gateshead, England early this morning so says TMZ. He was arrested for allegedly getting into some kind of violent situation with a pap outside of the Tup Tup club in Newcastle.

This isn't Kanye's first day at the pap beating rodeo. He was arrested in September for getting all handsy with a pap. Charges were never filed.

The cops in England released Kanye after a short investigation this morning. They probably realized they had the voice of our generation in their custody. The voice of our generation can do no wrong. I'm sure the cops who arrested King Kanye will get life in prison for wasting his time like this.

HAPPY KANYE FRIDAY!!!

I doubt they serve cokey cotton candy in the jail cafeteria, so Amy Wino will have to smuggle some in her crack hive for her good friend Mik Whitnall. Mik was arrested yesterday in London for....take a lucky guess. Of course, he was arrested for crack cocaine possession.

NME reports that Dreamboat Doherty's bandmate and Wino's friend was busted in a bar at around 4:20pm. It would've been ironic if he was caught with weed.

After his arrest, the cops searched Mik's apartment and found a few crack rocks. He's still in police custody.

If it's not Mik, then it's Dreamy or Wino. Those three take turns getting busted and released. They're like the 3 Crackmigos!

Seriously, Dreamy gets arrested, then Wino and now Mik. Rinse and repeat. Well, scratch the rinse part. None of those 3 ever take part in that practice.

When I hear the words "gang rape," the very last thing I think about is "Austin Powers." The very VERY last thing. Well, Random "Shoe Thrower" Task from the first "Austin Powers" movie was arrested and charged with gang rape. This just ruined "Austin Powers" for me.

TMZ reports that Random Task (real name: Joe Son) was arrested for felony vandalism this past May and he had to give a DNA sample. Joe's DNA matched a sample from an unsolved 1990 gang rape. TMZ has the gory details of the rape.

Joe was charged with a ton of dark-sided shit including five felony counts of rape, two felony counts of forcible sodomy, two felony counts of sodomy in concert by force, seven felony counts of forcible oral copulation, and one felony count of sexual penetration by foreign object by force. Wasn't that a pretty read?

Dr. Evil's fat ass henchman faces 275 years to life in the chokey if he's convinced of all charges. There's a chance he could live past 275. They should add a few hundred years just in case.

In addition to being a gang rapist and shoe thrower, Joe is also a UFC fighter. Below is a clip from 1994 of Joe getting punched in the nuts. The other dude obviously should have punched harder.

Amanda Woodward aka Sammy Jo aka Officer Stacy aka Heather Locklear was arrested last night in Santa Barbara County reports TMZ. Heather was pulled over by the CHP and arrested on suspicion of driving while fucked up. Officials say that booze was not involved, but they tested her and are awaiting the results to see what Heather was on. Can you say D-O-L-L-S?

The cops released her this morning on her own recognizance. Heather didn't have to post bail.

It was just two months ago that Heather checked out of a rehab facility in Arizona, where she was receiving treatment for anxiety and depression.

Also, Richie Sambora was busted for DUI last March with Heather's daughter in the car. Their matching mug shots will look lovely together in the family album.

Speaking of mug shots, you know Heather worked that shit like it was a photo shoot. At least I hope so. I also hope that the cops figure out this was all just a set-up. Obviously, that jealous bitch Allison Parker is at it again! She probably drugged Amanda. I never trusted Allison's "apple pie" act. Amanda will be vindicated! And then she'll probably check herself into rehab again...

UPDATE: Aaaaaand we've got a mug shot! DAMN! What in Kimberly Shaw hell happened to Amanda Woodward? Pill popping (or whatever she's on) is a bitch! It brings out the crazy eyes in poor Amanda. The cops should have at least let her go and fix up her face in the toilet area. She's fucking Amanda Woodward? Do you think this will be her next L'Oreal Paris ad?

George Michael, the singer not the kid from "Arrested Development," was arrested inside a public bathroom in London last night for possession of weed and crack. Can you imagine if George Michael Bluth from AD was arrested in a public bathroom? Lucille would probably give him a hug and a Hot Toddy. I digress.

The police were tipped off by a toilet attendant after they witnessed George loitering around the underground bathrooms in London's Hampstead Heath. George was just looking for a little cock to go with his crack!

45-year-old George was busted and taken to the police station where he was cautioned. I like it when they say "cautioned." I picture them sternly looking at George and saying, "Now don't do this again, Georgie! Here's a letter you must take to your parents. I want them to sign it and bring it back to me. You've been very bad! Very bad!"

This isn't Georgie's first time at the rodeo...or public bathroom in this case. He was arrested in 1998 for trying to get a little sexy action in a men's bathroom in Beverly Hills. He's also been busted a couple of times after he was caught passed out in his car in possession of drugs.

Come on, George!!! It's called Craigslist and a drug dealer who makes house calls. Look into it! If he loves public bathrooms so much, he should build one in his back garden or something. He should install a men's public toilet and a car for sleeping.

Honestly, he's getting too old for this shit. He should never use a public bathroom. They are bad news. And crack?! Seriously? Did we not learn anything from Wino?

Source

You know what they say? A family that gets high on meth together, stays together! Stays together in jail, I mean.

Ryan O'Neal, 67, and his son Redmond, 24, were busted in Los Angeles this morning on suspicion of meth possession. The police were doing a probation search at Ryan's house in Malibu when they found a vial of meth in Ryan's room. They searched Redmond and also found a little meth on him.

Ryan should have copied his daughter, Tatum, and said: "Um...we're researching a movie role. It's called 'The Tatum O'Neal' story and we're playing ourselves."

Both of them are currently in jail on $10,000 bail.

Just add this to Redmond's meth resume. Last year, he was arrested in Malibu for DUI and posession of meth and heroin. In 2005, he was put on probation after he was busted for coke and meth posession. Farrah Fawcett must be beaming with pride!

Ryan was arrested last year for attacking his son Griffin with a fireplace poker.

Now we know what to get the O'Neal family for Christmas, a build-your-own meth lab kit! It's something the whole family can do together!

Source: TMZ