Arrests

D'arcy Wretzky, who was the bassist in Smashing Pumpkins, used to look like this and now she looks like that. No, this is not a picture of D'arcy from the Faces of Meth 2011 calendar. It's D'arcy's mug shot taken after she was arrested and jailed on an outstanding warrant in Michigan. D'arcy's troubles started when a few horses on her farm quit this bitch and ran free through the streets of her neighborhood. The cops ticketed her ass, but she never paid and didn't bother showing up to court. The warrant for her arrest was issued and here we are now.

TMZ reports that the cops brought D'arcy in on Tuesday and she'll have to sit in a cell until this Monday.

Never mind that D'arcy is resting her head on a jail pillow that's as thin as a manila folder for some wild horses shit while Lindsay Lohan is skipping the public streets without a care in the damn world. Never mind that.

Maybe D'arcy's horses mistook her lips for a pair of snakes and they got the spooks! And the cloud of white smoke wafting out of her shed and dancing into their nostrils didn't help. The most depressing thing about all of this is that D'arcy let her eyebrows go.....

Mary Ann Mobley, come get your husband already! Gary Collins was the host of my favorite late 1980s TV experience The Home Show, so it pains in the heart to read about how he still hasn't gotten his shit together. In the past 8 years, Gary has been busted 3 times for DUI and now he's adding a fourth mug shot to his collection. But this time, Gary wasn't arrested for letting Jack Daniels be his co-pilot. TMZ says that Gary was put into handcuffs after he walked out on a $59.35 restaurant bill without laying down his Diner's Club. Gary did this shit in Mississippi, where it's a felony to not pay a $25 or more bill.

Gary had himself a meal of steak and cocktails at Jazzeppi's in Biloxi last night. When the bill showed up, Gary simply sashayed out of the restaurant and ignored the screams from the staff to pay his shit. They called the cops, Gary was arrested and now he's sitting in a cell on $5,000 bail.

Gary used to be THE BIGGEST FUCKING STAR IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION (served on a plate made from exaggeration) and now he's in jail for spitting on a $60 restaurant bill? How the mighty have...etc..etc... If Gary didn't have the cash, he should've called up his wife! Mary Ann could've pawned off one of her wigs or something.

Welcome to rock bottom, Gary. Hopefully, Mary Ann Mobley does the right thing and makes a rescue ladder out of her wigs and old rhinestone gowns so she can get her husband out of there.

Arresting Willie Nelson for being possession of the good shit is like arrested Jessica Simpson for farting. But that's exactly what officers in Texas did to him yesterday morning at a Border Patrol checkpoint in Sierra Blanca. When Willie's tour bus rolled up, BP agents smelled the delicious scent of marijuana floating out of the windows. That was just Willie burping again. Seriously, if Willie's tour rolled up and the officers didn't get a contact high from a good shit cloud wafting out of the windows, then they should arrest his ass! I'm clutching my bong with my mouth out of SHOCK about this.

E! News says that officials found 6 ounces of weed on the bus and Willie admitted it was his. They took him down to jail, charged him with a misdemeanor, and he was later released on $2,500 bail. Obviously, this has happened before.

Can't the government just grant Willie Nelson a pardon from all future marijuana arrests? It's Willie Fucking Nelson! The history books will tell you that he came out of the womb smoking pot. He'll smoke a joint on his bus, or in a jail cell. Dude doesn't care as long as he's got a joint between his lips.

The ghost of Taylor Momsen's future look, Sebastian Bach, was slipped into a pair of handcuffs first thing this morning at a bar in Toronto after he allegedly murdered a wine glass by throwing it across the room before biting at an employee who was trying to control his rage. Sebastian not only looks like one of the Real Housewives of Orange County without her face paint on, but he fights like one too. I'm into it.

The Toronto Sun says that 42-year-old Sebastian got into a fight with the staff at Riley’s Old Towne Pub. When they told his ass to get out, Sebastian headed for the door with a glass of wine in his hand. They told him he had to leave the wine glass, so he pulled an "If I can't have you, nobody can!" and threw it at the front door. That's when the owner of the bar tried to hold Sebastian down until the cops got there. While the owner hugged Sebastian hard, he got bit in the hand. The cops arrived and found 1.95 grams of weed in Sebastian's pockets. He was charged with with assault, possession of marijuana and mischief. He will face a judge in Toronto sometime today.

All of this foolery could have been avoided if Sebastian politely excused himself from the argument to smoke a little of the good shit in a bathroom stall. Instead of biting into a ho's hand, Sebastian would've wanted to bite into a piece of fried grease at KFC. And trust me, unless you're Vampireina Jolie or pepaw zombie Keef Richards, biting into fried grease is much more delicious than biting into human skin.

Keef Partridge (born name: David Bruce Cassidy) was thrown into a different kind of bus (aka THE PADDYWAGON) in Florida last night after the cops noticed that his Mercedes was swerving all over the place on the turnpike. They pulled him over and found a half empy bottle of bourbon in the back seat. PUT THE BLAME ON THAT GINGE DANNY! No, David's story to the cops was that he only had a glass of wine at lunch and swallowed a Vicodin hours before he got busted.

The cops still made David blow twice into a breathalyzer and the numbers 0.139 and 0.141 came up. Those numbers translated into BITCH BOOM BYE and David was taken down to the station for booking. You know who else is going to get a BITCH BOOM BYE today? My mom's boss after she hears about this mess. This is definitely a reason for her to call in sad.

The original Justin Bieber put his finger on the ink, flat lined with his mouth for the camera and then was released a few hours later on $350 bond. But it's not over!

David will fight the DUI charges. David tells TMZ that the breathalyzer is telling nothing but lies, because there's no way he was plastered. David admits to popping a V and said he was kind of down in the shit from attending a funeral earlier in the day. David's rep went on to say, "He would never jeopardize anyone on the road and he would not have been driving had he not had to go to a funeral ... he's never been arrested in his life before for anything."

For my mom's sake, I will choose to believe David's bullshit excuse. I am even going to ignore the fact that I can practically smell the party blowing out of his alien eye nostrils. Or is it gaping Voldemort nostrils?

Singer and former Dancing with the SARS contestant Mario was gently put into a jail cell in Baltimore, MD early this morning for allegedly physically freaking out on the woman who nearly broke her vag (as my drunk auntie always puts it) giving birth to him 24 years ago.

The story goes that Balitmore police were called to the apartment Mario shares with his mother Shawntia Hardaway after he allegedly flipped on the rage by breaking a china cabinet, shattering a mirror and punching a hole into a door. Shawntia also told police that Mario pushed her around the apartment. Mario was charged with second-degree assault and later released on $50,000 bail.

As Rap-Up points out, Mario's relationship with his mother hasn't been blue cotton candy and kitten burps. In a 2007 MTV documentary, Mario tried to help his mother kick her addiction to heroin by staging an intervention.

On a positive-ish note, Mario is looking (read this in a Gay Al twang) flawless in his mug shot. Did the police let him moisturize, manicure and primp before they said "cheese"? If he wasn't an alleged mama je'e' beater, I'd want to whisper sweet nothings into his nostrils.

The Mental Health Department's answer to Bonnie & Clyde is still spreading the illegal crazy as though it's their full-time job (actually, it probably is). Randy Quaid, who is giving me "FML face", and his wife Evi, who is giving me 100% potent CRAZY, posed for these mug shots after they were arrested in Santa Barbara, CA yesterday for allegedly squatting inside of a house they used to own.

AP reports that when officers arrived, Randy and Evi put on their lying faces and claimed they purchased the house in the 90s and have owned it ever since. The rightful owner of the house then showed the officers paperwork proving that he bought the house in 2007 from a dude who brought it from the Quaids. That's when the police popped the balloons, scratched the record and turned on the fluorescent, because the Quaids' freeloading party had come to an end. They were arrested for felony residential burglary and unlawful entry. Since nothing makes the crazy in Evi's eye twinkle like a full rap sheet, she was also charged with resisting arrest.

A contractor also alleges that $5,000 worth of damages to the house were caused by the Quaids. Cousin Eddie and his Bride of Crazystein are still sitting in jail today. Their bail has been set at $50,000 each.

Last September, Randy and Evi were busted for using a bunk credit card to pay a $10,000 bill at a fancy resort in Montecito, CA. They were put on three years probation.

You know Randy's brother Dennis isn't even trying to answer the phone today. This is some "pull the cord out" shit. But what I really want to know is, why isn't Casey Affleck filming all of this bottom of the barrel insanity? Joaquin Phoenix needs to learn how it's really done.

With that said, FREE COUSIN EDDIE (But transfer Evi to the nearest mental ward)!!!!!

Every time I see someone wearing CROCS (this is an illegal offense) or hear someone blasting a Ke$hit song from their car, I want to throw on a bobby hat and declare a CITIZEN'S ARREST! CITIZEN'S ARREST! So I'm totally jealous of the paparazzo who straight up dropped a citizen's arrest on Russell Brand's ass at LAX today. This is according to TMZ who has tape of that mess.

Russell and Katy Perry were going through LAX this afternoon when a pap did something to put fire on his taint. The pap must've told Russell that his hair doesn't look as silky smooth as a unicorn's mane in person, because he conjured up the glittery powers of Glamberace and went after that fucker. Russell threw fists and whooped that trick! But the pap had the most fun when he got pull a citizen's arrest Russell.

The cops at LAX eventually took over and officially arrested Russell. They took him into custody and booked him for battery.

Here's EXCLUSIVE video of Russell's arrest:

I so have to do that at least once this weekend.

UPDATE: And now with pictures!

UPDATE II: Katy Perry Tweeted that Russell Brand was defending her honor: "If you cross the line & try an put a lens up my dress, my fiancé will do his job & protect me. #standbyyourman #don'tfuckwiththeBrands."

You might want to stretch the smile muscles in your mouth you never use and clear the day to practice your "Dancing On Wonky's Fake Tears" dance from 2007, because there is a slight chance we'll get Wonky McValtrex Goes To Jail 2: Nevada Don't Play. Probably not, but you should cross your everything in hopes that shit happens.

Since Lindsay Lohan is currently the reigning queen of mess on the stroll, Wonky is desperately trying to get her corner back. CNN has poured a giant sprinkling of HAHAHAHAHAHA into my cup of coffee by reporting that Wonks and her boyfriend Cy Waits were both thrown into handcuffs in Las Vegas last night after they were caught with a bag of the powdery white shit. Las Vegas Police pulled over the Escalade Wonky was riding in, because they noticed a cloud of smoke coming out of the windows that smelled like one of Snoop Dogg's afternoon farts (hint: the smoke smelled like weed). Maybe Wonky's crotch critters were trying to send a smoke signal for help?

Wonks and Cy were both taken down to jail on suspicion of cocaine possession. The police tested Wonky's white powder by calling up Lindsay Lohan and putting a spoon full up to the receiver. LiLo's expert nose confirmed that it was cocaine.

Wonks was released without bail, because they don't believe she's a flight risk. TMZ reports that Wonks has already hired a Las Vegas lawyer. TMZ says that since Wonks was released immediately, the amount of coke she was caught with was probably a teeny tiny amount. Wonks also might try to argue that the bad shit didn't belong to her. That excuse is known by police as CODE BULLSHIT.

This is a case of whore deja vu, because the same thing happened in South Africa last month. Wonks was arrested for marijuana possession, but the cops later "determined" that it didn't belong to her so they dropped all charges.

Wonks will most likely just get a flick on one of her snatch sores as punishment, but I'm still hoping that Nevada will do the right thing by sentencing her to life in prison. That's a reasonable sentence.

Meanwhile, Mugsy is currently erasing the hotel security footage of him sneaking a bag of cokey into Wonky's handbag. Well played, Mugsy. Just make sure it's a bigger bag next time!

UPDATE: Wonks Las Vegas lawyer David Chernoff jacked out this dumb statement about her stupid ass, "Paris Hilton was released this morning on her own recognizance. This matter will be dealt with in the courts not in the media and I encourage people not to rush to judgment until all of the facts have been dealt with in a court of law. There will be no interviews and no more comments at this time." There's no need for me to rush to judgment, because judgment is already sitting on my lap. We're friends!

That HOT SHOWER sign is really make this picture for me. Anyways, this beautiful photo taken today shows the Pickler Gobbler of Jersey Shore WAAAAAAAAHing away as a police officer drags her ass to jail. TMZ says that Snooki was arrested for disorderly conduct while shooting scenes for the third season of Jersey Shore in Seaside Heights, NJ.

It's not known what kind of disorderly conduct Snooki was busted for, but I don't think the police really need to be specific. I mean, it's Snooki! Bitch is a stumbling disorderly conduct. Hopefully, once Snooki is booked, she is taken down to the ASPCA for the works!

And this is probably just Snooki's way of getting Obama to finally admit he knows who she is.