Arrests

What's the number to 911?! There's a criminal on the loose and her name is Cameron Michelle Diaz!! She must be arrested immediately and sentenced to at least 200 years in the chokey. They can throw in an extra 50 years for "The Holiday."

Cammy committed a crime in Hollywood the other night by driving while talking on her Blackberry. Yes, the car was moving! I'm sure she would have told the police officer, "I was only pretending to talk on my phone, so the paparazzi wouldn't bother me. I promise I'll use my Bluetooth headset from now on." And then she'd giggle like a baby stoner. You know how that twat is.

Speaking of headsets, why do whores think it's OK to wear those things outside of the car? I don't know how many times I've embarrassed myself by answering questions from a stranger talking into their headset. Most of the time they look straight at you while saying shit into their practically invisible headset. They are fucking with you. They know what they're doing. And if you're one of those whores, I'll meet you out back.

Grass is green, kittens are cute, Shauna Sand is elegant, Tommy Girl's ass-coochie looks like E.T. and DMX has been arrested AGAIN!!!!! Somebody get the good hos at Guinness World Records on the line, because I think this bitch has beat some sort of record.

Yesterday morning, DMX was arrested in Phoenix on outstanding warrants as soon as he stepped off the plane. Do you think the cops were waiting at baggage with one of those signs that says, "Mr. DMX."

His lawyer said he knew he was going to be arrested, because he failed to appear in court on other charges. He is being held on a $1,075 bond for driving with a suspended license and a $10,000 bond for other illegal crap.

This bitch has been arrested several times in the past few months. He was arrested last Friday in Florida for trying to buy coke and weed.

Dreamboat Doherty better step up his game! DMX is seriously stealing his shine.

Above is just some of DMX's many mug shots. The last one is the latest. DMX could give us some damn variety! Ty Ty Banks would not be pleased. He's giving us the same weepy ass look in every shot. He needs to "smile with his eyes" and pucker up his lips a bit. He's had enough practice! Bitch needs to take a class at Glamour Shots on how to give us some variety.

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Thanks Lana

Anne Hathaway's Zach Braff look-alike ex-beard, Raffaello Follieri, was arrested for wire fraud and money laundering. Raffaello's skeezy ass is accused of telling an investor he had been named CFO of the Vatican. The AP reports that because of his Vatican connection, he was able to buy properties at a discount owned by the Catholic Church in the US.

Zach, I mean Raffaello, is due in court this morning.

Annie Hathaway is totally laughing into a warm, pile of snatch! And I'll fucking bet my prized dildo collection that his real name is something plain like Ralph Foley.

Ralph Foley has also earned a prime spot next to me on the short bus to hell for that little ungodly stunt. Dark-sided! Don't laugh! You have a spot in the back of the bus next to Don Imus and that ole' bitch is going to blow pepaw farts the entire way.

Meth face alert! Did somebody order an extra sausage pizza? Snoop Dogg's wifey, Shante Broadus, needs to travel with her own personal airbrusher just in case situations like this one should come up. The drunk bitch was driving around Fullerton, CA a little after midnight on Saturday when she was pulled over by the cops.

She was arrested and later released with a citation. Bail is not needed in DUI arrests in Fullerton. DAMN! Fullerton is the place to party.

At least homegirl wasn't hot boxing. I mean, she is Snoop Dogg's wife.

Hopefully, something good can come out of all of this. Maybe Proactiv will fall in love with Shante's rock face and offer her a contract! "Hi! My name is Shante Broadus. If you're going to get arrested for DUI, at least do it with clear skin. That's why I use Proactiv!"

Source: TMZ

The newest member of the celebrity crackhead club, Tatum O'Neal, said she thanked the cops who arrested her for "saving" her. Tatum was arrested in NYC for buying crack and coke from some homeless dude at 7:30 in the evening. The light of fucking day! Homegirl couldn't even wait until it was dark. At the time of her arrest, Tatum told the cops she was "researching a part." That excuse always works!

Yesterday, Tatum declared to the New York Post that she was still sober. She said, "Just when I was about to change that and wreck my life, the cops came and saved me!"

Tatum said that her recent thirst for crack started when her dog died.....15 years ago. I'm joking, her dog died 3 weeks ago and she hasn't been the same. She said, "I couldn't get out of it. I was going to my psychiatrist. I was doing everything I could do. I have the disease of alcoholism. It's lifelong. I treat it every day by going to my 12-step program."

Wait.....so there is no part? Fuck! I was looking forward to seeing Tatum in this "new part!" It was probably for Bad News Bears: I Got Caught Buying Crack!

Below are some pics of Tatum leaving court yesterday with what looks like a drug dealer. He totally has drug dealer face and drug dealer pits. Drug dealers start sweating profusely around government buildings. They do.

Tatum O'Neal was arrested last night for allegedly buying coke and CRACK in NYC from a homeless man. Coke, I can see, but Crack?! WTF?! ?

Tatum was busted just blocks from her apartment on the Lower East Side. That's why you've got to get a dealer that makes house calls. Well, so I've heard.....

A source told The New York Post that the 44-year-old Oscar winner was caught at 7:30 pm. When the cop approached her ass, she said, "You know who I am right?" They responded, "Yeah, a crackhead." No they didn't say that. Tatum then told police that she was "researching a part." Okay, Eva Mendes.

Tatum told cops she's been clean for 2 years and she begged their asses not to arrest her. Tatum has had major problems with heroin and other drugs in the past.

I blame Dancing with the Stars. All those fugly outfits and shitty music will turn to anyone on to crack.

Remy Ma was sentenced to 8 years in the chokey today for shooting a friend outside a NYC nightclub last summer. Remy said it was an accident. Yeah, just like I accidentally went pee pee in my bed last night, because I was too lazy to go to the toilet. I'm joking! I swear. Ok, I'm not.

26-year-old Remy cried when the judge handed down the sentence. It could have been worse. She faced up to 25-years in prison.

To make Remy's life even more depressing, her weekend wedding was called off by officials.. She was supposed to marry her rapper boyfriend Papoose, but he was caught with a handcuff key during a visit. The dumb fuck tried to smuggle it in. He was immediately kicked off Rikers and told he can't come back for 6-months.

Papoose tried to hide that key in his poop shoot, didn't he? He farted and it fell out of his ass.

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Scott Weiland checked himself into the clink yesterday at 8:55am to begin serving his 192-hour DUI sentence. Scott was out before dinnertime at 6:54pm. He only served 10 hours. Hey, that's more than Nicole Richie served.

Officials must have realized that Scott is too sexy for jail. Even the harsh fluorescent lighting couldn't mask his hotness. Beauty like that should not be locked down. Ugh. Why do I think he's hotter than a ham and cream twinkie? WHY?!

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Dennis Rodman was arrested last night on suspicion of domestic abuse. Surprised? Me neither.

Rodman's manager told TMZ that Dennis and his girlfriend had too much to drink last night. When they got back to their hotel in Century City, they started arguing and Dennis grabbed her by the arm, leaving a bruise. The hotel's security got involved and called the po po.

Officers learned that Rodman hit the woman, so they took him into custody. He posted $50,000 bail and was released 5 hours later. His court date has been set for May 22nd.

Rodman's manager said Dennis will check into rehab once he gets back into Florida. He said Dennis' drinking, "has been escalating in the last six weeks due to a nasty divorce and not seeing his children in over two months."

I forgot his crazy ass has kids! He has a son named D.J. and a daughter named Trinity.

Dennis is really getting too old for this kind of nonsense. Why do people have to fuck up their buzz by getting into fights? That's disrespecting the booze! Have a good time, let the booze do its work and keep it chill. Respect the booze!

Gary Dourdan of "CSI" was arrested in Palm Springs yesterday on suspicion of possessing heroin, cocaine, ecstasy and prescription drugs. TMZ reports that the cops found him asleep in his car at 5:21 in the morning. He was taken to a Palm Springs jail where he later posted $5,000 bail and was released.

Gary is set to leave "CSI" after this season. Working on the show must have been getting in the way of his partying.

All those drugs and no one to party with? He probably couldn't afford the couple of tranny hookers he ordered earlier.

Gary's mug shot is making me feel his pain. The bitch needs a few Airbornes and a cold shower. I can smell his coke breath from here.

Expect a rehab announcement in 3...2.....