Arrests

You might be a Charlie Sheen if you're spending this Christmas holiday on the concrete floor of a cell at the county jail because you allegedly got physical (and not in an Olivia Newton-John way) with your wife. All together now: PIECE OF TRASH!

Radar reports that Charlie's wife Brooke Mueller has been living in a rented house in Colorado for the past 3 months, because their marriage sucks. Charlie has been staying in Los Angeles, but he decided to fly to Colorado this week to spend the holidays with his family. But instead of singing carols of joy, Brooke sang carols of pain to a 911 operator. Apparently, the two got into a fight and Charlie pushed his wife. The cops showed up and took Charlie off to the clink. And just like that, Denise Richard's Christmas wish finally came true!

Charlie might be having the worst Christmas ever, but Denise Richards is having the best Christmas ever! Merry Christmas, Charlie! This one goes out to you:

Only Dreamboat Doherty would pull this kind of crack-brained shit! Dreamy was arrested outside of a court house this morning after he dropped a bag of the bad shit while he was going through security to answer to a judge on possession and DUI charges.

Just minutes before he was handcuffed, a judge had saved Dreamy's ass by not sending him to jail for drunk driving and possession of heroin. The judge banned him from driving for 18 months and threw a few fines at him. And then a few beats later, Dreamy was busted for drugs. Crackhead FAIL. Or maybe this is a Crackhead WIN?

The Sun says that Dreamy took off his coat to go through the security checkpoint and that's when a bag of blue crystals hit the floor. The security dude immediately called the police who waited until Dreamy left the court house to arrest him. They politely escorted his ass a few steps to the jail house.

From now on, if the police see a Pete Doherty walking around in public, they should just ring the alarm and bring him in. There's a good chance he's doing some kind of illegal shit.

And why does my no-heart always throb for the wrecks who can't leave the fuckery at home?!

Shane Sparks, a judge on America's Best Dance Crew and a guest choreographer on So You Think You Can Dance?, was arrested early this morning for allegedly committing acts of child touching. The District Attorney's office in Los Angeles filed 9 8 counts of child molestation charges against Shane.

According to documents obtained by TMZ, the child touching allegedly began in 1994. Shane is accused of committing lewd acts upon an underage girl who was at least 10 years younger than him. The documents state Shane was born in 1969 (his Wikipedia bio says 1974), so he was 25 at the time. That means the girl was 15-years-old or younger. (Insert a Mary Murphy scream of horror here)

Shane is currently being held on $590,000 bail.

Shane isn't the only SYTYCD choreographer that has been accused of not keeping his hands to himself. Alex Da Silva was arrested in April for allegedly raping 4 of his dance students.

Um. The producers of SYTYCD need to make Chris Hansen a regular judge from now on.

This afternoon, you might have wondered why your mouth spontaneously broke into a smile for absolutely no reason at all. Well, there was a beautiful reason. Michael Lohan was throw into a jail cell! When I first read that headline, it felt like the angels were blowing lucite dust into my eyes!

TMZ says that Michael was put into handcuffs after he violated a restraining order by calling his ex-fiancee Erin Muller. Erin took out a restraining order against him last May after Michael threatened to kill her and himself.

Michael was charged with criminal contempt for trying to communicate with Erin by phone. Don't expect to find that recording on Radar anytime soon.

Michael was released a few hours later. Yeah, the jail warden should've dipped Michael's cell key in Fluff and swallowed it. The jail warden let us down. Although, even if the jail warden did make the key disappear, Michael could've used his big ass jaw to chisel the bars off.

Dreamboat Doherty should just walk around with his wrists already in cuffs and a mug shot and fingerprint sample in his pocket. It would make every cop's life a lot easier.

Dreamy continued his lifelong goal of getting arrested in every city in the world by getting busted by the cops in Berlin on Saturday morning. NME reports that Dreamy was partying with his friends at a bar, when he suddenly decided to throw a beer bottle out the window. The bottle hit the back window of a Ford Fiesta, breaking it. Someone called the police.

He was taken down the station, held for three hours and then released.

I started to think to myself, "Who in the dick would throw a delicious bottle of beer at an innocent Ford Fiesta?!", but then I realized who I was talking about. Dreamy probably thought the Ford Fiesta was giving him a side-eye (which they always are, right?) or honking trash about him. Poor Ford Fiesta. They are the least-threatening cars ever. They are the baby bunny rabbits of cars.

235-year-old Ronnie Wood (no relation to Tiger) of the Rolling Stones was arrested in London last night after he was accused of beating on his 20-year-old girlfriend Ekaterina Ivanova. CHILD ABUSE!

Ronnie's rep confirmed that he was arrested, but wouldn't say anything else. A police spokesperson released this statement to the BBC: "We can confirm that a 62-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of assault in connection with a domestic incident."

He has reportedly been released on bail and will have to answer to the charges in court next month.

Ronnie and Ekaterina started sharing diapers about a year ago when he was still married to his wife of 25 years. Ronnie left his wife for Ekaterina and the two have been shacking up ever since.

Ronnie is getting too old for all of this. Pepaw should be sitting comfortably in a rocking chair, sipping on his hot cider and catching up on his stories on TV. Ronnie should not be throwing babies around like he's Mo'Nique in Precious. He will not get an Oscar for that. Ronnie, let go of the baby, grab the bong and simmer down. You might break a hip or something.

While The Hoff dried out in the psych ward on Saturday night, his ex-wife Pamela was put into handcuffs for driving while under the influence of booze. That family and the sweet nectar are fucking done professionally.

Pamela told TMZ that she was with her daughters earlier in the evening, trying to comfort them because their father is in the hospital. After she wiped their tears, she went off to dinner to booze her sorrows away. Pamela claims she only had a few drinks, but she blew a .14 on a breathalyzer test, so she must have been doing Big Gulp-sized shots.

Pamela was later released on $15,000 bail. This is her second DUI in one year, which means she'll probably have to spend some time in a jail cell.

After her arrest, Pamela told TMZ, "I am remorseful and mortified. I am going through a really difficult time between David being in the hospital and dealing with the divorce."

If you want to booze through your problems, then at least do it right. Do what we all do. Take the bottle, go to the bathroom, lock the door, turn on the shower, sit against the wall and bawl your eyes out while listening to Carly Simon's Greatest Hits. Don't get behind the wheel of anything with a motor.

And somewhere in a Vh1 board room, Dr. Drew is pitching Celebrity Rehab: Family Edition.

Remember when Shayna Lameass called The Empress of Lucite "pure trash"? Just pretend you do and nod your head yes. Well, look who is the piece of trash now! Garbage day is now on Sunday, because this bitch Shayna Lamas got arrested for DUI.

TMZ, Radar, Penny Saver or Craigslist Missed Connections didn't break the story. No, they didn't want to spend their Saturday night Googling to find out who the hell Shayne Lamas is. Instead Shayne told E! (the network her reality show airs on) about the incident and issued her own prepared statement:

"Early Saturday morning, after consuming one drink, I willingly drove through a mandatory check point on my way home with complete confidence of passing. However, the breathalyzer indicated that I was over the legal limit of blood alcohol content and was arrested onsite. I take full responsibility for my lack of judgment. I have always strived to be a role model for my friends, family and fans and have never nor will ever condone drinking and driving. I apologize for all those I have disappointed, including myself."

I just went in to the next room to ask my ceiling fan if he knew who this trick was and the bitch gave me the silent treatment. So I will take that as a big NO. Obviously, Shayne is still drunk off of that one famewhore-tini, because she's talking foolishness with that "role model for my fans" shit.

At LAX last night, Mike Tyson and a pap were both arrested after getting into a fight where fists flew and blood was shed. If Mike is involved, you know a bitch is going to end up in the ER. Mike does it like that.

The L.A. Times reports that some witnesses claim the pap started the fight by getting all up in Mike's life at the airport. Mike was with his daughter at the time and the pap reportedly followed him everywhere he went including the bathroom. Mike told police that the pap threw the first punch, because he was trying to provoke him. The pap's story is that Mike busted him in the face first and then tried to take the film out of his camera. Both Mike and the pap wanted to press charges against each other so they were both arrested.

Mike was taken down to the station and booked on suspicion of battery. He was released a short time later on his own recognizance. The pap was taken away in an ambulance to the nearest hospital.

We're taught that if we see a bear with her young out in the wild, we stand still and keep our eyes down low like we're being scolded by our abuelita. This is also what you do when you come across Mike Tyson. If you even breathe the wrong way around Mike, your eyeball will end up on the floor and your cheek bones will become one with each other. The pap obviously doesn't have any love for his ears, because Mike is not the one.

I know we're in a recession, but DAMN! The Associated Press is reporting that comedian Katt Williams was arrested for breaking into a home in Newnan, GA last night. The homeowner called 911 after they caught Katt snatching a bunch of items from their home. Don't laugh, Nicolas Cage, because this could be you next year!

Katt is still marinating in a jail cell today. He will face a judge later this afternoon.

The police believe that Katt is in Georgia shooting a movie. Katt currently has the #8 comedy DVD in the country

This isn't Katt's first time behind bars. Katt was jailed last year after the police pulled him over for speeding and found three guns in his car. Katt was also put on probation in 2006 after he pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor count of carrying a concealed firearm.

Can you imagine walking into your living room and catching Katt Williams trying to snatch your shit? I wouldn't know whether to hand him my stash out of pity or give him an applause.

Katt's rep would only say that his client has been suffering from "exhaustion." The rep should work on getting Katt a lunch date with Winona Ryder, because those two need to have a conversation!

And I love that Katt is smiling like a first-grader on school picture day in his mug shot above.